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A New Vow of Celibacy

September 28th, 2010 Leave a comment Go to comments

To hear others tell it, I use this blog to talk about sex. A lot. Though I don’t think it’s an entirely accurate assessment, I do know I talk about sex frequently.

It is because of this frequency many people in the comments and those who meet me in real life usually suggest I’m some sort of insatiable freak who will sleep with every woman I meet. And that is not true! I will not sleep with every woman I meet because not every woman I meet will let me sleep with them. DUH! But I digress…

What frustrates me most when people speak on my speaking about my sex life is when they want to give me the same song and dance I’ve heard a million times about the importance of safe sex. As though I don’t know it, and I don’t practice it. So what I have decided to do is publicly declare what I call a new vow of celibacy for myself and any woman I sleep with moving forward. Here it is:

There will absolutely, positively, under no circumstances, be any unprotected sex between me and another woman unless said woman is the woman I will marry. Until I get married, I’m wearing a condom every. Single. Time. It doesn’t matter if we are in a committed relationship and only sleeping with each other; a sign of my devotion won’t be measured by the privilege of letting me go in bare. It doesn’t matter if we’re somewhere condoms are not; we will stop, find some, and pick up where we left off.


Now I can already hear people saying, “What did you do before?” I know, I know. I sound like the McDonald’s commercial when they were promoting their crispy chicken McNuggets were all white meat, as though they used to be something else entirely. But  I tell you no lies when I say — since I’ve been out of a relationship especially — wearing a condom has always been rule number one for me before any sort of engagement.

So why the promise for public display? Well, because if there’s one thing I care about, it’s safe sex, not only because it’s the right thing to do, but it feels damn good. Not to quote rappers, but to quote rapper Lil Wayne (of all people) “safe sex is great sex”.

I’m not ashamed to admit I have engaged in unprotected sex in my lifetime, but what I am ashamed to admit is how stupid I felt afterward. Anyone who has ever done it knows the euphoria of unprotected sex is mere minutes compared to the lingering questions that stay with us afterward — questions like, What the hell did I just do that for? And what really bothers me is the question isn’t rhetorical because the answer usually is, Oh, yeah, I did it because I have no self control.

Eventually, self control no longer became an issue for me because these days I can honestly say, I’ve found a way to enjoy safe sex as though it was unprotected sex.

A lot of  men talk about how much they hate sex with a condom. A lot of women say they don’t like the way it feels. In a match up of best physical experiences, the flesh-to-flesh one will beat the latex-to-flesh one every time. Every. Time. But, in my opinion, the victor only wins by a narrow margin, so narrow in fact, I can actually deal with the second place experience if only for the peace of mind I will have afterward.

I’m tired of the bum wrap men get when it comes to safe sex. We’re always treated as a group of people who don’t want to be bothered by such a thing. But I’ll tell you what I don’t want to be bothered with: The worry that comes along with unprotected sex.

So I’m saying it here and now for everyone to read: Not only do I vow to never have unprotected sex with a woman until I get married, I’m going to love every bit of it. No more acting like wearing a condom is a hassle because that hassle is nothing compared to the one we have to go through as we’re awaiting STD results or figuring out how we’re going to take care of children we weren’t prepared to have. The act of putting on a condom shouldn’t be treated like a chore, it should be treated like an essential accessory to a great time. Believe me when I say, I’ve made a lot of vows in my lifetime and broken them, but this vow is different because unlike the others, I think I’m going to actually enjoy staying true to it more than I would enjoy breaking it.



Health: Avoided Popeye’s despite a serious craving for it. But is it safe to eat once a month?

Finances: Spent $7 today.

Categories: dating, s#x Tags:
  • Nynos81

    “The act of putting on a condom shouldn’t be treated like a chore, it should be treated like an essential accessory to a great time. ” –>Wonderful way of putting it.

    Great Post Jozen. Thanks for putting that out there.

  • Tnoise

    Nice post…the fact that people have assumed that your active sex life has automatically meant that it’s an unprotected high risk one is plain old ignorant…one has nothing to do with the other
    Either way, I guess great way of shutting folks up once and for all…but…is this really considered celibacy?

  • ljoiner

    I like that you are publicly declaring that you will not have unprotected sex.. and this next question maybe too personal for this blog but ….. will you be using a condom for oral favors as well? I know condoms and dental dams are not fan favorites when giving or receiving oral pleasure but you can just as easily get an std in the mouth as you can down below. I was just wondering as I had this subject come up about two weeks ago and I ended the conversation with… “well I guess we won’t be doing that either….” what are your thoughts on that ?

  • L. Dejean

    I’m so glad you have made this vow but as a woman going through a serious drought (boy, you have no idea), that vow is not one of celibacy! lol! If people feel they need to preach to you about safe-sex, they aren’t looking at you as a grown intelligent man but as a naive boy that has bouts of reckless abandon in the sexual arena. I won’t lie, there are men that need to be hit with that sermon frequently but people will only take in what they want and disregard the rest.

    This post did make me giggle at parts! And i think it is safe to have popeyes once a month…i haven’t had it in so long (amongst other things -_-) so enjoy it for me, whenever you have it, that is!

  • brownivyx

    In an age where there are STDs that even a condom won’t shield you from, yes, it is the bare minimum (unfortunately). As a woman (also unfortunately) there are other matters and risks to be taken into account when it comes to dalliances. For this, like so many other things, I blame the baby boomers. It would have been nice to live in an age where sex and freedom went hand in hand, but that’s probably how we arrived at this point in the first place.

    As for the Popeyes, I totally get it. It’s delicious…and a light splurge every *few* months is tolerable. But your best bet is to find a healthier, non-fried alternative that is just as delicious. It’s out there..somewhere. That way you can alleviate the craving without dealing with the guilt.

  • Tasha

    Yay, Jozen! That’s the only thing cogent I can muster up this morning. Great post! Damnit I’m making my public declaration too; “Until I get married, I’m wearing a condom every. Single. Time.”

    …Aint nothin wrong with having Popeye’s once a month. As long as you are reducing the number of times you usually have it, it’s still progress.

  • Miya

    EXCELLENT POST, Jozen! It irritates and infuriates me to hear girls talk about their escapades of unprotected sex. I’ve heard it all: “I’m allergic to condoms”. “I trust him”, “We use the pull out method” and the one excuse that makes me want to slit my wrist: “I don’t use condoms because I don’t want him to think that I am sexually active with others”. What the!!? Heffa, you ARE sexually active lol! The consequences of unprotected sex are so blatantly obvious that it scares me to think that some of us are willing to subject ourselves to the awful possibilities.

    Women: you are in control of your own body! If you don’t demand respect for your body (i.e. having your partner wear a condom – EVERY TIME), then he won’t. And besides, I don’t even want to have sex with a man who doesn’t wear condoms. If he’s willing to go bare with me (because I “look clean”) then he’s been bare many times before. I only have one body, and frankly, at 5’2, there’s not that much room for disease.

    Plus, I think we need to save some privileges for our husbands. Why should another man know what it feels like to be with you without a condom!? Save it for your husband!
    I’ve said it before, as women, our bad decisions are the reason so many of us are baby Mommas.

    So ladies, if you’re active, then carry your own condoms – all three sizes if need be! Don’t let a man deposit nuthin that you didn’t lay down with.

    Stepping off the soap box…

  • TOP 5

    Always keep it wrapped.

  • KB

    So, I’ve had the same rule for quite a while now. I think it began because of my Catholic guilt for having pre-marital sex in the first place. Somehow I rationalized by thinking, “Well, the only person who gets to know what I really feel like will be my husband.” And that’s how it has been. I have no idea what flesh-to-flesh feels like and I am A-ok with that…because that’s just how it’s gonna be. Until I get married.

  • Miss. Riss

    I don’t even want to comment on the post, I saw on your twitter box that you are no longer with Global Grind. I’m sure you are not going to put the details of that out on your blog, so I just hope the best for you!

    But you could have let your readers know!

  • MsPrincessKey

    I love this post so much and I will sharing this with others. I know lots of people who have sex with their partner exclusively without any protection but I have to admit I don’t understand why. Having unprotected sex with your partner is like letting someone drive the life your life while you take a back seat. I’m glad I am taking control back in your life in more ways than one (Popeye’s situation).

  • Netreia

    I’m sending this to my friends right….Now!

  • islandgirl

    Amazing post and a great way to say it! “The act of putting on a condom shouldn’t be treated like a chore, it should be treated like an essential accessory to a great time” You have a way with words Jozen that is absolutely incredible. By the way Popeye’s is totally ok to eat once a month..You can’t give into your cravings all the time but when you do, it will be a special treat! Thumbs up on your process journey 🙂 I have started my journey to self improvement as a single woman about a month ago and can say it’s working out in all the right areas.

  • BoomShots

    This topic exposes that there is always a huge divide between what people say and what people do. Everyone supports safe sex but we don’t always practice it. Folks rationalize a lot of their behavior to fit their own belief systems i.e Catholic guilt of premarital sex papered over by condom use….
    Hell, I probably do it myself but what is clear is that none of us really have the answer. Sex is complicated, relationships are complicated. We only really have control over what we do and not what anyone else does. But in the end sex and relationships require us to align with others in union.
    So if you commit to condom sex until you get married, I don’t see anything wrong with that because you are protecting yourself and if enough of us commit to protect ourselves in whatever the forum I believe we are collectively contributing to the greater good.

  • YeahRight

    LOL unless you’re getting married today, I call bullshit!

  • @shaystew

    In response to “the process”…avoid Popeye’s! You can fry your own chicken for a lot cheaper and make it a lot healthier. Try oven baked with cornflakes YUM! I’m enjoying “the process updates thus far…”

  • Single Girl

    Great post and great vow. Keep us posted on developments. -SG

  • Starita34

    $7 a day in NYC? Jozen you’re my hero.

  • Anike Love

    Yeahhhh…I wish Lil’ Wayne had heeded his own words while laying next to Lauren London…*sigh*

    But good PSA nonetheless!! Oh, and stay away from the Popeyes. The longer you stay away, the easier it’s going to be, and then when you try to eat it again, your body will be like, “What!?!” and force you to upchuck every ounce of biscuit, fried chicken wing, and mashed potato with gravy you just ate on the cute girl next to you…who could have potentially been your future wife but won’t because she your throwup has permanently ruined her Nine West black leather pumps…

    But let’s be optimistic! Good luck!

  • Cheekie

    “I know, I know. I sound like the McDonald’s commercial when they were promoting their crispy chicken McNuggets were all white meat, as though they used to be something else entirely.”

    Dude, they were. I sweah-fo-gawd Mickey D’s chicken nuggets were not all white meat before they changed them. I can tell the difference lol. That meat used to be GRAY.

    But, yeah, great vow. Even though I am currently a virgine (not the waiting til marriage type, the waiting til love, married or not type), it is one I will practice as well. I am a strong proponent of wrapping-it-up before marriage and recommend it to folks.

  • Ziggy

    1) Does that incl oral sex? Bc that’s sex, too, n plenty of STDs can be spread that way
    2) Props for making this decision, and I believe you can stick w it! And moreso for sharing it w the world bc that’s not easy but by doing so, you have probably inspired many, which is awesome!
    3) Safe sex is great sex, even if Lil Wayne of all people said it

  • Mighty B

    From the very beginning, since I started reading your blog, I have prayed, “Dear Lord, please let him use his powers for good.” *nods* Well done, Jozen.

  • Jinx Moneypenny

    Best wishes to you in taking your vow! I mean that sincerely. When you think about it though, it’s really not hard to do when you’re sexually active with more than one person. You want yours, they want theirs, but without any of those pressing questions that pop up in one’s head after unprotected sex.

    I know you’re smart enough to give the side eye to any chick who insists on sex without. The side eye does wonders rofl.

  • MoodIndigo

    “I know, I know. I sound like the McDonald’s commercial when they were promoting their crispy chicken McNuggets were all white meat, as though they used to be something else entirely.”


    True story, when I was 6
    PARENTS: …tell him what you want to order.
    ME: okay, I’d like a 6 piece chicken nugget with…
    CASHIER: you know they’re not even chicken, right?!
    ME: ugh…I’d like a 6 piece chicken…

    and THIS was in the 80s lol

    yeah safe sex always. who needs the hassle, the worrying, the lab-tests, the…”damn do i really want her to be the mother of my child…???”

  • Streetz

    Wearing a condom isnt debateable to me. Id rather know Im having protected sex then be sweating like Patrick Ewing after intercourse, wondering if I caught a STD or a seed!

    Popeyes is somethign entirely different boss. I haven’t had it in 5 weeks, and I used to eat it once a week (not too shabby). I dont get cravings anymore, but when I walk by one I do a heavy sigh.

    I got about 2 more weeks before I get down with the get down! hahaha!

    Good Luck!

  • Doesn’t Matter

    Safe sex advice from Lil Wayne? That’s funny. Question is when’s he gonna take his own advice?

  • A Diva State of Mind

    Great post. Hopefully others reading who aren’t currently practing safe sex will be inspired to do so!

    While you’re working toward a healthier you, I think it’s ok to have Popeyes once a month. It’s fine to have those treats we like every once in awhile; just make sure you don’t over indulge!

  • Nope

    ANSWER THE ORAL SEX QUESTION! In my opinion, thats where all the disease comes from….

  • Cali

    Well, it’s not celibacy (LOL) but it’s a good vow nonetheless 🙂 & I wanna meet the folks who have safe oral sex – I know we’re supposed to but I can’t even imagine it. Then again, I don’t have casual sex…

  • Nicole

    I’m proud of you Jozen.

  • Kim Chi Ha
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