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Advice From Hot Girls: The Readers Edition

September 29th, 2010 Leave a comment Go to comments

Welcome everyone, to my humility. “Advice From Hot Girls” is a new series I’m adding to UIGM for the sake of changing the plenty I don’t know about women, to the plenty I do know; the plenty I need to learn about women, to the plenty I learned.

As many readers have told me, the UIGM comment section is just as engaging and fun to read as my posts. So I decided to marry my lack of knowledge about the opposite sex with the remarkable candor of my readers, and thus “Advice From Hot Girls” was born. Here’s how it works:

I will ask one question or lay out a dilemma I am having with the opposite sex. Then I go on a rant to give the question context, and ask you all to offer me the best answer or solution, which you all will leave in the comment section. And don’t worry about what I’m going to do with the advice or answers given. If it’s good I’ll put it into practice, and rest assured, probably blog about what happened as a result.

Oh and to my male readers, don’t leave. Stay and you might learn something too.

Now, without further ado, my first dilemma I need a woman’s take on.

HOW DO I TELL A WOMAN SHE SUCKS IN BED WITHOUT HURTING HER FEELINGS?

Ladies, let’s face it. Some of you are not good in bed. And I know you all know this because I’m pretty sure every one of you believe you’re better in bed than all of your friends. Combined. So therefore, you also know or at least have to figure one of your friends isn’t good in bed. Right?

Right.

Now, let’s say I slept with that girl. The friend of yours who isn’t good. And let’s also say, to avoid any cliche answers, I have done everything I could to work with her and nothing seems to be working. Maybe I don’t want to tell her she sucks in bed (because not only is that relative, it’s also mean), but I do feel it’s necessary for me to express to this girl that however good she thinks she is, it’s only in her imagination.

Of course, some might say I could just show she’s not good in bed by just not sleeping with her anymore, but we all know how women get when a man is no longer interested in sleeping with them. They start suspecting it’s because of another woman. But sometimes, it isn’t (as I have stated before). Sometimes, it’s the very woman we’re sleeping with who has affected a man’s libido to the point where he doesn’t want to do it anymore. So how do men tell a woman such a thing?

I thought about this yesterday after I wrote my post where I vowed to never have unprotected sex until I get married. One of the biggest myths about condoms people like to perpetuate to avoid wearing them is a man can’t achieve a climax with one on. But that is just not true. What is true is a man can’t achieve a climax when he is with a woman whose skills in bed are sub-par. If a man can achieve a climax with a condom on, then what’s the reason he can’t, especially if he is using the same brand he’s always used?

If your answer to the question is, “Well, he probably can’t reach his climax because his partner isn’t bringing her A game, or her well runneth dry often”, you’re thinking like I’m thinking. I would like to know how to tell her this so when I do decide to stop sleeping with her she doesn’t think the problem is another woman, she knows the problem is her.

Oh and one more thing before I open up the floor to answers/suggestions: You can be real. You can be nice. But I would really appreciate it if we can try to maintain a combination of the two. Imagine this was you (fellas, your girl) we were talking about, how would you (fellas, your girl) like to be told you’re (fellas, she’s) not great in bed?

Thanks in advance!

——————————————————————————————

THE PROCESS

Health: Drank a smoothie for dinner, still haven’t done one push-up. The goal is 150/day in a month. Must start asap.

Career: Now jobless, but finding a new gig and freelance opportunities. As a result, sent my resume to several publications for consideration, one of them is a VERY BIG DEAL. Pray for me on all of them, but I won’t be mad if you give some extra prayer to the VERY BIG DEAL.

Real Quick: The SIXTH edition of the Poppin’ Questions Podcast is now up. Click here to listen

Categories: Advice From Hot Girls Tags:
  • Nynos81

    I think it all depends on whether or not you would ever sleep with her again. If you’re certain that you don’t want to give this girl a chance, maybe you could tell her that you don’t think the two of you “mesh” well sexually.
    If you like the girl and would like to give her another chance, maybe you could subtly suggest things she could do better by telling her what you like. If she’s a real trouper, she should be up to the challenge and try most of what you suggest. If she doesn’t….well, that speaks for itself.

    I like this new idea by the way. It’s a nice way to engage with your audience.

  • Aries_Rose

    Jozen,

    I think it’s one of those situations where no matter how nice you think you’re saying it, it may still be a blow to the other person’s ego. It’s like that person that has bad body odor. When somebody finally tells them, they might act all shocked and offended like they don’t believe that. What you can do is soften the blow with a compliment “Listen so n so, I really like you and I think you’re cool, but I’m not satisfied sexually.” And of course she will ask what you mean by that (we women always need an explanation) and that’s when you dive deep (verbally lol) and let her know.

  • Kae-Toya

    you need to tell her she is crap, straight up like henny with no chaser. its like you said before if the sex was that good he would be calling again, alot of people both men and women have this vibe like im soooooooooo wonderful/beautiful/successful i dont have to do anything, and they never have to try to please their partners sexually. and nooooooooo one tell them so they are caught up in a state of euphoria regarding their sexual prowess which is none existent. just do it jozen some times people need to be crushed so they can be made whole again.

  • Jackie

    I guess you can tell her what you are used to and it seems like you will only enjoy it if she does x, y, z. Or you can just not sleep with her anymore. Maybe you should jsut send her a link to todays blog and maybe he will get the hint, lol

  • M

    Go with the whole ‘I just don’t think we mesh well sexually,’ or ‘I just kinda think we have different styles in bed.’ It’s not harsh, but it gets to the point. She might ask why, and you can kind of explain… or she might just think you have different styles (and maybe you do, which is maybe why the sex is bad!). I’ve used that line with a dude before – and it worked – both to make him realize that his sex game was not nearly as strong as he thought, and it opened up the floor for discussion about what was lacking.

  • Aisha

    I agree with Nynos81…if you’re not really interested in giving her a chance the conversation is mute. Say what you like and if there is a chance she gets defensive and says you not that hot either, then be willing to let her tell you what you could do better. The reciprocity should make her more comfortable.

    I see you are well on your way in the process. Praying for ya!

  • SB

    Okay…well since you said you tried everything there is nothing else to do but be honest. But before you just jump right in you should think of how you would want someone to tell you. The words, “you suck” are never going to elicit a constructive response. As a matter of fact, you better duck!

    I feel that you should simply explain to her the methods you have taken to improve your sex life. You should also understand that many woman are timid in bed because of the double standard. I for one grew up with people telling me things like ‘if you have sex with a guy other than your husband he won’t respect you’ and ‘you can be a freak or you can be a wife!’ These things have lasting effects on some woman. For me, it was easier to open up sexually to a man that I felt completely respected me. Me that sincerely feel you are beautiful and would never judge you.

    So my questions is…did you try and get her to open and be better by attempting to engage in more freaky sex or did you engage her mind? Because that is the place to start.

  • http://www.twitter.com/DESHARAISM De’Shara

    Hmmm, this is a hard one Jozen.

    I can only answer by trying to visualize how I would want someone to tell me.
    There’s no real way to actually say it in one sentence without crushing the other person.
    I think the guy should try and encourage her to try some new things during sex before he drops the bomb, just to give her a second shot. I know men that try and ‘break-in’ there girls who are not that good in bed, by kind of ‘coaching’ them into being better lovers. This could be a step in the right direction, but if it’s bad to the point where she can’t learn….then, i’m not really sure.
    I mean, after you tell her she’s bad in bed (however you choose to say it) what is she supposed to do??????!!!! Like, all of sudden become better? Apologize? Try again?

  • Em

    I say don’t directly tell her she sucks… Everyman is different and everyman likes different things.. So I would basically give her advice on how u like it. Just be like I love it when a girl does this or even during it give a hint on how to move … Just make into a situation where your the issue and you just like a certain way and its not her fault lol…

  • Amber

    ohh good ending SB! Engaging the mind is huge for women we are all about intellectual intimacy.

    If you have tried all these things and your ready to give up then start with positive aspects of it first go with negatives in the middle and end on a positive/or like a suggestion for improvement.

    One thing you have to ask yourself before you talk to her is: “what do you want from this conversation”. I mean you said your ready to give up so are you doing this to be nice and not hurt her feelings but your already done or what.

  • Melanie

    I think you just need to be straight up. Talk to her and say “You know, no two people are the same in bed, and I feel like we are not on the same page. I really like/care about/love you, and sex is important to me and hopefully to you, so let’s figure out how to get on the same page”. Then you have real ways to do this…play a game where for 10 minutes the other person has to do exactly what is requested and the person “receiving” gets to give feedback on everything.

    This is my only suggestion…it’s a tough dilema. Some people just suck at sex, but if she’s worth keeping around, it’s worth trying.

  • Bunny.

    I’ll be honest and say that if i really am not connected with someone, I will not bring my best to their bed. It’s possible she doesn’t like you [which I would find hard to believe… but I digress.] and maybe, sexually, isn’t focused. Read her body language when you guys are together, see if you guys really have any type of chemistry.
    Tell her that you would like if she does this… or that. and if she does do this that and another, you should be nice with a hint of honesty…
    “i don’t think we are connecting on a sexual level, do you feel the same? I mean, I do like you a lot, and I want to better things in the bed… yada yada.”
    I feel like I agree with every one who has commented above me.

  • afro

    that’s a difficult situation either way you look @ it. i think you should just be honest. you don’t strike me as a cruel person, so just be real about it. tell her it’s just not what’s poppin in the streets. she’s either going to get pissed & not speak to you again, which is a win for you cause you don’t have to deal with suck ass sex anymore or she’s gonna woman up & listen to your advice & learn how to pop, lock, & drop that thang right!

  • Danni

    Hmmmm…I can only give this advice based on the type of woman I am, so here’s my take on it. P.S. Jozen said we could be candid, so excuse me if I’m too frank. “We family”…

    I would assume that this is a person who you’re considering starting a serious relationship with. Otherwise,why not just bounce if the sex was bad? If that’s the case, and she feels the same way about you, she should be as willing to please you in the bedroom as you are to please her, right? So I say, just tell her. But NOT in words. Do it during the, uhm, act. If she lays there like a board assuming all of that moaning is doing you a favor, tell her, as romantically as you can, to move with you. Or kiss her; that tends to get the ladies active. If those hips ain’t moving in a way that makes you feel anything but a need to watch ESPN, grab ’em and show her how to do it. And once she gets it right, TELL HER!

    You could also try telling her how amazing she looks (even if you’re lying at the time lol). Women motivate men in this area by erasing their sensitivities about their performance. Imagine if a woman never did that…it would affect your confidence about performance, right? Well, a lot of women have sensitivities about how they appear during the act, and spend way too much time wondering if the “twins” look uneven bouncing around like that rather than worrying about the big picture. So placate her until she feels comfortable.

  • SB

    @Danni…that is exactly my sentiment!

  • taurusitalia

    Good Luck With Job Prospects!!!!!! I am unemployed too so I know the heartache & frustration.

    I am a strong believer that not everyone is “suppose” to be compatible. Granted, who doesn’t want to be a sex God/Goddess LOL!! Some people’s drive just do not match. I think if you are REALLY into the women, you can find a way to resolve the issue. I guess decide what is it about her that is “subpar.” Is it foreplay, is it the act itself. Is she not sexy, is she too shy. Is she just not educated when it comes to sex. Clearly you know what you like, does she do it at all or does she try to please you? Maybe next time make it a game. Tell her what you like for her to do & “coach” her while she is doing it. If she cannot follow instructions…welll, umm, then I would say bye bye (nicely of course). You can always get a silly magazine like Cosmo, they always post sex articles. You can be nonchalant about it & read the article to her & say “huh…lets try it.” LOL! Now after ALLLL this “coaching” her body still cannot deliver….she is not meant for you. We want to be with someone that satisfies all levels, mind, body, & soul.

    Now if she becomes inquisitive about what you are doing…you will have to fess up & say we need to work on our compatibility. Do not lie to her if she comes out & ask, it will only cuz more issues for her later. Just be tactful.

  • Melodee

    Based on the context of your question, good luck on your quest! Lol, but I agree with Danni, experience is the best teacher! You can make this ‘sexcapade’ fun in various ways. When you all are getting ready to get into it, up the anty and tell her you “want to try something different this time”. Different as in: K-Y has some great tasting lubes (the chocolate is amazin btw) or keep it old-school and break out the whip cream, and you can both teach each other how to please one another #foreplay. Then to keep the juices flowing (literally) you take charge and be the man by guiding her movements while yall try various positions.
    Give her instruction, touch her hips, engage in conversation with her about the pleasure level for both of you. Most women are concerned about if they’re pleasing their partner and open to trying new things.
    And hell if all else fails, pop in a porno, imitate some moves…and/or make your own movie (which is an excellent way to provide feedback and give you both a visual)! LOL
    (tried to keep it clean) Have fun!

  • http://theuptownlounge.com Andrea

    Jozen, I agree with Danni. All girls are different, but if it was me, i’d rather you show me or guide me rather than tell me so bluntly. You might soften the sting of telling her she’s horrible if you approach it that way. On the other hand, if you choose to just bluntly tell her, she might get discouraged all together, and that might lead to her not wanting to do it at all. I know you don’t want that. If this girl was someone you cared about, and her feelings are mutual, she’ll do what she can to make you happy. It’s a process, be patient with it and you’ll be happier if you’re in it for the long haul

  • **inquiring mind**

    hmmm… for some reason this doesn’t seem that hard to pull off. Can’t you just tell her you don’t feel like y’all are sexually compatible. I mean, you’ve tried everything (so you say) so all that seems to be left is that of an intangible nature = chemistry… she probably won’t have much of an argument with that. Good luck!

    P.S.
    Health: Push-ups are cool… but crunches (read: don’t neglect your GUT) are dope too! I don’t see why alladis can’t be done real quick right before you jump in the shower anyway.
    Career: What is for you… is for you! So trust God and you’ll end up right where you belong… God bless!

  • Kady

    Some of these comments are hilarious!!!

    Well the above scenario is should be an expected result of sleeping with alot of women (no judgement), just from a probability point of view. Now from the question, its seems you really just want to knock this girl off her high horse, because you say you’ve already tried to “work with her” my advice DON’T DO THAT!!!! If you’ve already decided its not going to work, just makeup a random reason and bounce, breaking up with someone and then criticizing them in bed will make you 1) Look like a jerk. 2) Look bitter. If you guys are in the same circle she is likely to turn the tables and ruin your reputation.

    Now from the other angle, if you want to keep seeing her then the best way to tell her is during the act. That way you can give instant feedback and I’m speaking from experience. The best way I’ve learned how to please my man is for him to tell me during, that way you fix the issue and go. This is a time when i man has to take charge 100%, if you want her in a certain position, physically put her in that position, if you want her to move her hips a certain way tell her and once she is doing it right a reaffirming “yea like that” is all she needs to hear. Then immediately after your done, praise her for the new things you just taught her, this will boost her confidence and she will definetly remember for next time. Repeat this method for about a month to make it stick. (fyi this works excellent on men also).

    Another method is to use a girl from the past as the example, if you tell her the things another woman has done that were a complete turnoff, she will avoid doing those things.

  • Jivey

    Honestly, if this isn’t a woman that you see a long future with, you should probably step out. Tell her you’re just not feeling it anymore. She won’t necessarily think there’s another woman. After all, it’s quite often that people just don’t have that (sexual) chemistry to keep things going. And frankly, if the sex is bad early in the relationship – and you’ve tried to be the coach yet she’s just not getting it – it’s probably just going to go downhill. Leaving both of you sexually frustrated.

  • blackcattygirl

    Forget all the rest. Danni’s advice was the best!! (hey that rhymed!!) She just might not have a strong sex drive or could have been abused when she was younger.

  • Keia

    If this woman that you are having sub par sex with isn’t important enough to want to correct or coach her, what difference does it make? Just don’t have sex with her anymore. I understand you might want her to know that she needs to step her game up for future endeavours but, there is NO politically correct way to tell a woman, or a man for that matter, that they don’t have skills in the bedroom without feelings getting hurt of offense being taken. Just my personal opinion.

    I enjoy reading the process, you will one day be the man of your own dreams.

  • Sassy C

    Hi Jozen,

    This is a problem that most women actually have with men. They are cool as hell until we get to the bedroom. However, Like most sistas including myself I will work with a brotha if I am feeling him. Now, if you are feeling this girl outside of the bedroom the remedy is simple and fun actually. I say talk about sex with this woman. Dialogue is key. Tell her what you like ( and don’t like) . Invite her to tell you about her fantasies, share yours with her, make it into a whole evening of sexual exploration where you can only do the things that you both like and nothing else. If you want to get a little kinky include a consequence for not abiding by the rules. Oh, and definitely make sure that there is a reward for everything she does that you like. With a little liquid courage on hand this might be the key to you having great sex with a girl worth working with.
    If you decide to try this approach please let us know how it works out.

  • http://blackgirlunlost.wordpress.com Jubilance

    I think tactful but direct is the best course of action. Don’t lie, but don’t also be super blunt about it either. The phrase “you suck in bed & not in a good way” shouldn’t be used.

    Granted, no matter how you say it, most women are gonna be hurt & defensive about it. But if you’re sure you never want to sleep with her again, but you want to let her know WHY do you don’t want to do it again, the truth must be said. Maybe something like “I like you as a person but I dont enjoy some of the physical aspects of our relationship”?

  • wahoo4uva

    Her feelings will be hurt. There’s no avoiding it; however, you can reduce the blow’s impact and influence how she receives it with how you communicate the message.

    Others here have made good suggestions: telling her what you like, showing her what you like, expressing you feel there’s a connection missing (I recommend asking her how she feels about it first, then sharing your perspective). The reader’s input that resonates most with me is Amber’s: “Engaging the mind is huge for women we are all about intellectual intimacy.” I add to her statement how important emotional intimacy is to women. Particularly when it comes to sex. Most of us need to feel a certain level of emotional security and compatibility with a man in order for us to feel comfortable with him. I believe more often than not, when that comfort and security level is lacking it is revealed in sexual performance.

    Based on what’s included in the post, your perspective on the dilemma seems focused on the sexual act. True to form, as a man, you’re concerned with the physical aspect. Men are simple. You’re able to separate the physical from the emotional. Women are complex. We tend to combine the two and it can complicate things. When a man’s having sex he’s probably in the moment and that’s all he’s thinking about at that specific point in time, whereas all kinds of things directly or indirectly related to the sex she’s having can be running through a woman’s mind during sex. There’s where you’ll probably find the source of the problem. If you want better sex with this woman, assuming you want to see her and have sex with her again, find out what’s going on in her mind.

    There’s two people involved here. Both contribute to the situation. For argument’s sake, let’s say your physical performance is flawless. In that case there’s still something about you that she’s not comfortable with; therefore, she’s not able to relax so she can bring her best. She may need emotional intimacy from you that she’s not receiving. Maybe SHE’S not in a position to have or even develop a connection with anyone, sexually or otherwise. She could be self-conscious about her body (doesn’t matter how good it looks to you). It could be that she’s just not that into you but it’s been a while, she needs a lil’ somethin’ and you’re available and willing. She might be inexperienced and embarrassed to tell you. It could be problems at home, work, family, finances, any other kind of emotional stress. Another possibility is that she’s not over an ex and you’re the transition guy, or you’re filler until she get’s the guy she wants. She might not even like sex (*yikes* I know, but I think these people exist and probably are just as common as virgins).

    It could be, might be, may be a whole lot of reasons she’s no good in bed. If you want it to improve, when you initiate the conversation with her, direct your attention toward how she FEELS and what she THINKS about herself, you, the relationship you have with each other, sex, THEN the sex you have with each other. If the conversation goes well and reveals some information you can work with, be patient and give it time to progress. These things don’t change overnight.

  • goalawal

    Bruh! I think first off you have to do it while engaging in the act itself. When u doing it communicate with the lady at let her know what u want.. U can whisper or shout certain commands @ her while smacking her backside(assuming ur hitting it from the back)

    “Meet me half way”
    “Work girl”
    “Move those hips”
    “baby…. I want u to fcuk me”

    Then if she’s do good work.. You say.. “Good, shit baby”….. “Thats what i’m talkin’ bout” ….. “keep doing that babe’

    And she still has no clue then u can say “Bae, lets go”……………… “U aint working yet” ….. “Fcuk me”…..

    And if it’s really still terrible… fake like u came and go watch tv….. she will know deep down that she had a piss poor performance and thou u might say afterward… “baby, u were great” (Knowing u just told a lie) she will be forced to work on it on not be called on to be a repeat offender…

  • Good 4 Me but not 4 YOU

    Sorry that this is off topic but I wonder how many women would date you knowing that you are unemployed?

  • Nicky

    Okay, I’m going to offer you two quick points:

    I am 100 percent in agreement with Danni, you have to teach her because that’s how any woman learns. A lot of what I learned early on came from a good man putting his good hands on me and showing me where he wanted me to move. If you were in a job that you loved, but knew that there were certain things you wanted out of it–new opportunities and adventures–you would propose those opportunities to your boss directly in hopes that he’ll let you take them, right? Same thing applies to ol’ girl. If you want certain things to happen, tell her what you want to happen and ask her if she’s willing to take you on that adventure.

    Now, I’m going to tell you what not to do because someone did this to my friend. (And no, I’m not talking about the proverbial “friend” that really means “me.”) My friend’s man straight up told her that he wasn’t happy in bed–he sat her down, said “Look I love you but the sex is wack.” She was so devestated that she said she thinks she started performing even worse in bed because of self-conscious feelings.

    Long story short, think about you want from her physically and suggest it in a romantic, exciting way so she gets as excited about it as you are. Good luck!

  • Starita34

    @Good 4 Me but not 4 YOU
    He wrote a post on that, search the archives…*spoiler alert* lots.

  • I.G

    what are your true intentions for the woman? if you just wanted some, just pack up and go, if you are a “hot boy” that want to play with all the girls, you can try and teach her new tricks if you are a great teacher. If you are in it for love, you need to know your partner. if your partner is open to criticis (either good or bad), you should go about it in a loving, open minded, understanding manner, and not be brash about it. remember it’s feelings you are dealing with and when a woman have sex, more time she is also givin a part of her..

  • Kady

    @goalawal
    Lmfao, I think that might be a little too subtle…

    “And if it’s really still terrible… fake like u came and go watch tv…..” <——– That's Rough, poor girl will probably lay in bed crying after she just got yelled at for 1/2 an hour. I wish there was a button for funniest comment because i am dying.

  • mspdarling

    My ex used to use Truth or Dare to get conversation going around tough topics. A couple warm up tries take the edge off and get convo going. Before he told me the more serious thing, he’d ask me to kEep an open mind and not to fly off the handle. Then he’d just let me have it. You can expect she’ll be defensive, but good women are open to criticism and even if not immediately, will want to learn more and tackle the problem with you.

  • Monica

    @Danni
    Now thats some knowledge for ya! Go ‘head Danni!

  • Kae-Toya

    @Good 4 Me but not 4 YOU

    just because he is unemployed does not mean he isn’t a good man. If you cannot love/like him when he is poor you don’t deserve him when he is rich…..or in this case employed.

  • Good 4 Me but not 4 YOU

    @Kae-Toya

    I never questioned if he was a good, bad or even GREAT. I know what its like to be an unemployed male but lets be realistic. Women dont even pay for drinks at the club or let alone ask dudes out on dates. Its different to have some support you as in pats on the back and high fives, but how often would YOU foot the bill?

  • Tasha

    Jozen, I want you to write an explicit post on “what is bad sex” on the woman’s behalf..isnt it all the same; like pizza! I want to make sure I never fall in this category. What makes it bad, ” not wet enough, not spontaneous, the woman’s body turns you off?? Isnt sex about chemistry. Two people may just not be good together right? I don’t know if there is a good way to say this to a woman. Assuming this is someone you wish to maintain a romantic relationship with and know well, you should be able to have open communication but yeah….I have more questions than solutions regarding this issue. Sorry

  • LBoogie

    Regarding this unemployment situation, I think it’s dependent on how long you’ve been dating. Speaking from personal experience, it’s hard to date someone who is unemployed, very early in the relationship.

  • Cocotteamour

    First I am not sure exactly what it means when a woman is bad in bed. Is it that she’s like a dead cat, lays there with her legs and arms up in the air just staring at you? Or is she just not willing to do anything, or she just does it poorly. I for one can say that one way to teach a woman is the same way women teach men. By telling them what you like during or before. No, I want you to do it like XYZ. Turn around, get on top, talk to me… you get the picture. If she is into you she will do it, because we all know that sex is important in every relationship and for women as well. If you start telling us what you want we will do it and in turn tell you what we want, that’s how sex gets better.

    PS good luck!

  • CourtyJ725

    I was going to leave this alone but… it can’t be helped.

    The part that is stifling me from going into what you should say is that you said you tried everything to work with her, and none of it has.

    So the real solution (in my opinion, naturally) is admitting your incompatible. The two of you are not in sync in an area that is essential to having a happy relationship or the bare minimum of a good sex life with each other. Crushing egos is evil. Discouraging each other is too. Whether it’s true or not that the sex is bad, the worst approach is to speak negatively into someone’s life.

    So I suggest you don’t address the “bad in bed” issue, you address the “incompatible” issue. Do it without getting into the specifics of it being her sex game that motivated it and MOVE ON. Its hard to beleive that the sex is the only thing you don’t have in sync with each other. Sex is a reflection of emotions and desire. If it sucks, then something else must be off too. Like one of your level’s of attraction to the other, your communication, your desire to please… something. Perhaps there’s oversight on your part on what else is off but it’s there somewhere. You can use that to explain that though you aren’t sure what it is, you know there’s something not in sync between you. Then you won’t be lying.

    If you just have the need or want to tell her “you could have been dope but you suck in bed”… just let that go. She may just suck in YOUR bed. The only thing you need to do now is keep her out of it.

    I mean… you truly did try everything else, right?
    Tried asking her how she felt about you, if she was comfortable, if you made her feel sexy? Did you assess that she has a healthy self-esteem and that’s she’s comfortable and aware of her body and what she likes?

    I’m assuming yes, since you said everything.

    So I stick by my solution that you end things.

    But if you just MUST get it off your chest… tell her:
    “We are out of sync in the bedroom and I’ve tried numerous things on my end to try and fix it and nothing’s working. Have you noticed? Do you feel the same? Got any ideas? Because I’m becoming frustrated and I really want this to work.”

    Egos are fragile but assuming we are as mentally mature as we are physically: She should be able to handle that. Still not my first choice but hey…. you’ve got options.

    Hope this helped!

    🙂

  • Anike ♥

    Eugh, there’s no easy way to say it honestly. When I nookied with a couple guys who I THOUGHT I was interested in and they were tur-ri-ble, I realized how quickly I was turned off from the fact that they were NOT rocking my boat. Soooo, I just cut them off (no Lorena Bobbitt)! Yikes!

    But I definitely agree with all of the posters who mentioned it that if you are truly interested in that person, you’ve got to keep those lines of communication open about how you like it being done! Just be real freaky about it, you know, like when someone is scratching that itch you can’t reach and you’re like, “Oooh..yeah…right there…oh yeah…that feels so good…lower…higher…faster…FASTER!!”

  • CourtyJ725

    OMG THAT WAS HILAAAAAAAARIOUS @GOALAWAL. SMH. Yeesh.

  • Anike ♥

    Now, as the resident certified health & fitness expert and former Division 1 athlete (tryna boost my credibility here…and brag on myself a little!) my health advice: A lot of times, we think healthy eating means less is more. Really, it’s less of the wrong things is more. So rather than having a smoothie for dinner and waking up HUNGRY AS HELL and unenergetic in the morning b/c your liver has literally depleted your entire day’s worth of food which then causes you to stuff your face with something unhealthy which leads to you feeling guilty (WHEW), eat a meal with made up of carbs (i.e. rice or pasta), protein (meat, tofu, or beans), and vegetable. Even a lean cuisine might do!!

    As for your workout, 150 push ups is a great goal! In addition to that, start your cardio (aerobic) fitness with simple things like not taking elevators (yup, walking down your apartment stairs!) and walking rather than catching the train (within reason of course)! Then after your cardio, get your push up reps in that way you’re working your aerobic and anaerobic systems! YEAAAAAA-AH!

  • b

    i don’t really think you have to tell her per say. its other ways around being mean or just coming out and saying “you’re terrible in bed” MY ADVISE: (assuming you like the girl and would like to continue the …… relationship?) have sex lessons!!! let her know ahead of time you have something planned out to try in the bedroom and that you want her to have an open mind. Then write positions/techniques that she needs to improve on index cards. Have her pick a index card with instructions/pictures/suggestions on them and have her practice that move that night….and the next night (a new card)…the next night (a new card) etc. She will get the hint! and she will appreciate that you took the time to help. Sometimes its not about what you say; its about what you do!

  • http://angelapanama.blogspot.com Angela Panama

    UUUgggh tough one because if you wait until you are parting ways to tell her then she will think its just a line. People always say “THE SEX WAS SH*T” at the end. But if you tell her and then try to help her improve… *STOP* then again who wants to be a bedroom instructor? I want to hop in bed & have that other person be a BEAST!!! I say the best thing for you to do is leave that person a note detailing all the areas that they suck at and then move to another country & change your identity!

  • JCC

    Definitely don’t tell her 3 days after the act. Maybe wait about 5 days before you mention bedroom activities. You must mention it in a critique style. Mention 1 thing you loved last time you made love, 1 thing that maybe you would like more of and then mention 1 thing that you dug again. This is going to lift the woman’s spirits about the whole experience but maybe it will also open her mind to trying something new or different while having sex. The other thing you can do is be very demonstrative. A lot of time women just don’t know what they are doing so sometimes you just have to show them unless you have a situation like mine (I will get to that).

    If you have a situation like me meaning that maybe she is waiting for you to commit before she gives you the good stuff. Why don’t you evaluate how long you have been dating, and then maybe see if it is time to become more serious. You would be surprised by women who don’t necessarily go all out in the bedroom just because you haven’t made more of a commitment. Sometimes something simple like a title will have her performing magic tricks or more 😉

  • http://rewritingthehilife.blogspot.com Mel

    Sometimes people get nervous on the first try because first times are always a “feeling out” thing. Sometimes people hold back because you have not reached them to the point where they are WILLING to go all out on you. OR they could be feeling you out on the first try too, trying to see how you perform so that she can up her game on the next session to please you. Maybe you can give it another try and hint the fact that you want to see how she really gets it on. Hint to her how you like it because you may never know unless you voice it out.Then if is still not to your liking then straight up tell her that the sex life between you two is just not that exciting or good. BECAUSE EVERYONE NEEDS EXCITEMENT IN THAT ARENA If you were telling this to one of my girls… I would straight up tell her, “at least he told you the truth then faking it the whole time.” Shoot, honesty that hurts your feelings is better than lies that has you thinking you the ish. Because quite frankly if you ain’t gonna tell her that she needs to up her game in the sheets, no one may ever tell her. You just got to keep it real.

  • MJB

    Can you please elaborate on ‘bad sex’? What makes a woman suck in bed? Is it the wetness, movement, noise level? Please share.

  • rwifey

    be honest, dont bs with her, do you care to continue sleeping with her? do you want to work with her on it? if not, its done, end it, and be honest. if you want to work it out, explain, be instructional, tell her u want to ‘try some new stuff’. check ur ego at the door, especially when she says ur not all that either. you’ll be fine

    signed,
    your #1 fan

  • Doesn’t Matter

    I second Tasha. Since “bad” is relative I think you’re gonna have to go ahead and be a little more specific.