No Man Should Apologize For Having A Good Mother
Anyone who reads this blog knows how important my mother is to me, so when I’m done with today’s post, I’m not reading the comments. And Mom, I know you’re reading this too, so I suggest you avoid reading the comments section as well. I want people to comment freely, but admittedly, this is a sensitive subject. The only reason I’m writing about it is because well, I’d be lying if I were to write about anything else. This is all I’m thinking about.
If I had it my way, my Mom would not need to transfer one dime over into my account. The only type of support I would ever need from her would be emotional and motivational. But that’s not my reality, and I don’t think it’s ever been if I can be completely honest.
The older I got, the more disappointed I became in myself for receiving help from my mother in any way. Because I’m her first born, she’s always doted on me, always went above and beyond any measure to help me out. Just the other day, we were casually talking about cooking, and I said I needed a sautée pan in my life. It was just a casual observation, there was no hidden hint in my tone, nothing to suggest a dire need for such a thing. And two days later in my inbox was a link to zappos.com and a sautee pan, I ignored it until my mom called me later that day and asked me if I saw it. When I told her I did, she asked me what I thought and if I wanted her to order it. I had to explain to her I didn’t need it right away and if I do I’ll try to get it on my own.
So that is just the most recent example of what type of mom I have. She is, as my friend described to me, a “mom’s mom”. Maybe it’s the Puerto Rican woman in her, or maybe she is just like a million other mothers who want to see her children happy and will do everything, even things like offer to buy a sautee pan, to see that happen. I really don’t know what it is, but I know I’m not about to make any apologies for it.
A woman I once dated said my mom enables me. I had to look that word up. Then I went off. When I was a kid, a friend of mine once said my mom spoils me, and I responded by punching him in the face. I’m one of those guys who can crack “your mama” jokes with the best of them, so go ahead and bring on your own, but the minute a person starts saying anything about me and my mom’s relationship or what kind of mother my mom is towards me, I’ll fight. And I know that may come off as defensive, but everyone has their fighting words, right? Any words on the relationship between my mother and I are mine.
The criticism that irks me the most is when it comes from the opposite sex. Even when I hear women talk about other men and their relationships with their mothers, something about their tone makes me want to shut them up. A woman who has something to say about the relationship my mother has with me never lasts long in my life primarily because I don’t think my mom is ever going to change, and therefore the criticism will never cease. I’ll be damned if I spend the rest of my life with someone who has a problem with a woman who will support me for the rest of her life.
I think some women get it confused. They don’t know the difference between a mama’s boy and a mother’s son. A mama’s boy is a classic case of the Oedipus complex. He wants his mom to be his woman and no one else to have her. A mother’s son wants his mother to find a man to make her happy if she doesn’t have one. Before my mom met my step-dad met, I never gave her a hard time when she went out on a date. If anything, I spent many a night praying she would find someone who gave her the happiness she deserved because I knew one day I, the lone man in the house, would be gone. A mother’s son does everything he can to make sure his mom is happy not just being his mom, but being her own woman.
A mama’s boy is someone who needs their mother for everything, whereas a mother’s son, needs his mother when he has no one else to turn to.
When I told my sister about my recent job situation, she told me to tell my mother almost immediately, but I wanted to get everything as squared way as I could, before I did so. I wanted to understand what kind of position I was in, assess my potential prospects and figure out what it would take for me to support myself. Once I had all that squared away, then I told my mother, and of course, nothing I said made her feel comfortable with the idea of me not having a job, but I told her it would be okay. I promised her it would be, and as her mother’s son, I’m going to do everything short of selling drugs to see that I live up to the promise. But if I can’t, after I have exhausted the possibilities, I will have no problem letting my mother know, and why should any woman in my life have a problem with that? No, it doesn’t make me feel good to ask my mom for some help, but why must a woman feel the same way? Your man, yes, but my mom.
If men have to deal with women who had fathers that weren’t there, women have to deal with men who have mothers that were. I don’t say that to be mean or to be cruel, but in some way or another, we’re all affected by our parent’s shortcomings, and we bring those issues into our relationship, unfairly so. And I’m wondering, when we actually have no issues with our parents, when we were raised by parents who loved us hard when we were growing up and continue to do so has adults, what’s the beef then? Why is it a problem? If I date a woman who has a father who dotes on her or a mother who does, I don’t get jealous, I step up to be an addition to that support system.
When it comes to taking care of me, I would never bother comparing my mother’s treatment of me to my woman’s. I don’t want my woman to do anything like my mother except for maybe cook tacos like her. Other than that, she’s free to be the woman she wants to be. But when that times comes for us to have a family together, I will hold my children’s mother to the standard by which I was raised. And I would even apply the same standard to myself. I can’t let all that good parenting I was raised under go to waste!
Right now, nothing in my career is where I want it to be, ditto for my finances. Things are about to get real, and it’s going to be a struggle for me. I have no plans at all to lean on my mother to get myself out of the mess I’m in, but if my mom decided to do so, I’ll be damned if I make any apologies for it. I’m my mother’s son. Get over it.
Umm, let’s not even talk about yesterday. I took a day trip to D.C. for a panel I was sitting on and I didn’t get back until 3 in the morning. Today will be a better day.
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