Home > dating, Family, guys, women > No Man Should Apologize For Having A Good Mother

No Man Should Apologize For Having A Good Mother

Anyone who reads this blog knows how important my mother is to me, so when I’m done with today’s post, I’m not reading the comments. And Mom, I know you’re reading this too, so I suggest you avoid reading the comments section as well. I want people to comment freely, but admittedly, this is a sensitive subject. The only reason I’m writing about it is because well, I’d be lying if I were to write about anything else. This is all I’m thinking about.

If I had it my way, my Mom would not need to transfer one dime over into my account. The only type of support I would ever need from her would be emotional and motivational. But that’s not my reality, and I don’t think it’s ever been if I can be completely honest.

The older I got, the more disappointed I became in myself for receiving help from  my mother in any way. Because I’m her first born, she’s always doted on me, always went above and beyond any measure to help me out. Just the other day, we were casually talking about cooking, and I said I needed a sautée pan in my life. It was just a casual observation, there was no hidden hint in my tone, nothing to suggest a dire need for such a thing. And two days later in my inbox was a link to zappos.com and a sautee pan, I ignored it until my mom called me later that day and asked me if I saw it. When I told her I did, she asked me what I thought and if I wanted her to order it. I had to explain to her I didn’t need it right away and if I do I’ll try to get it on my own.

So that is just the most recent example of what type of mom I have. She is, as my friend described to me, a “mom’s mom”. Maybe it’s the Puerto Rican woman in her, or maybe she is just like a million other mothers who want to see her children happy and will do everything, even things like offer to buy a sautee pan, to see that happen. I really don’t know what it is, but I know I’m not about to make any apologies for it.

A woman I once dated said my mom enables me. I had to look that word up. Then I went off. When I was a kid, a friend of mine once said my mom spoils me, and I responded by punching him in the face. I’m one of those guys who can crack “your mama” jokes with the best of them, so go ahead and bring on your own, but the minute a person starts saying anything about me and my mom’s relationship or what kind of mother my mom is towards me, I’ll fight. And I know that may come off as defensive, but everyone has their fighting words, right? Any words on the relationship between my mother and I are mine.

The criticism that irks me the most is when it comes from the opposite sex. Even when I hear women talk about other men and their relationships with their mothers, something about their tone makes me want to shut them up.  A woman who has something to say about the relationship my mother has with me never lasts long in my life primarily because I don’t think my mom is ever going to change, and therefore the criticism will never cease. I’ll be damned if I spend the rest of my life with someone who has a problem with a woman who will support me for the rest of her life.

I think some women get it confused. They don’t know the difference between a mama’s boy and a mother’s son. A mama’s boy is a classic case of the Oedipus complex. He wants his mom to be his woman and no one else to have her. A mother’s son wants his mother to find a man to make her happy if she doesn’t have one. Before my mom met my step-dad met, I never gave her a hard time when she went out on a date. If anything, I spent many a night praying she would find someone who gave her the happiness she deserved because I knew one day I, the lone man in the house, would be gone. A mother’s son does everything he can to make sure his mom is happy not just being his mom, but being her own woman.

A mama’s boy is someone who needs their mother for everything, whereas a mother’s son, needs his mother when he has no one else to turn to.

When I told my sister about my recent job situation, she told me to tell my mother almost immediately, but I wanted to get everything as squared way as I could, before I did so. I wanted to understand what kind of position I was in, assess my potential prospects and figure out what it would take for me to support myself. Once I had all that squared away, then I told my mother, and of course, nothing I said made her feel comfortable with the idea of me not having a job, but I told her it would be okay. I promised her it would be, and as her mother’s son, I’m going to do everything short of selling drugs to see that I live up to the promise. But if I can’t, after I have exhausted the possibilities, I will have no problem letting my mother know, and why should any woman in my life have a problem with that? No, it doesn’t make me feel good to ask my mom for some help, but why must a woman feel the same way? Your man, yes, but my mom.

If men have to deal with women who had fathers that weren’t there, women have to deal with men who have mothers that were. I don’t say that to be mean or to be cruel, but in some way or another, we’re all affected by our parent’s shortcomings, and we bring those issues into our relationship, unfairly so. And I’m wondering, when we actually have no issues with our parents, when we were raised by parents who loved us hard when we were growing up and continue to do so has adults, what’s the beef then? Why is it a problem? If I date a woman who has a father who dotes on her or a mother who does, I don’t get jealous, I step up to be an addition to that support system.

When it comes to taking care of me, I would never bother comparing my mother’s treatment of me to my woman’s. I don’t want my woman to do anything like my mother except for maybe cook tacos like her. Other than that, she’s free to be the woman she wants to be. But when that times comes for us to have a family together, I will hold my children’s mother to the standard by which I was raised. And I would even apply the same standard to myself. I can’t let all that good parenting I was raised under go to waste!

Right now, nothing in my career is where I want it to be, ditto for my finances. Things are about to get real, and it’s going to be a struggle for me. I have no plans at all to lean on my mother to get myself out of the mess I’m in, but if my mom decided to do so, I’ll be damned if I make any apologies for it. I’m my mother’s son. Get over it.

——————————————————————————————

THE PROCESS

Umm, let’s not even talk about yesterday. I took a day trip to D.C. for a panel I was sitting on and I didn’t get back until 3 in the morning. Today will be a better day.

Real Quick: The SIXTH edition of the Poppin’ Questions Podcast is now up. Click here to listen

Categories: dating, Family, guys, women Tags:
  • Toya

    You are your Mother’s son and no one can ever take that from you. My husband lost his mother to cancer the year we got engaged. I pray all the time wishing he could have his mother back because she was one of his greatest friends and they had a very strong relationship. I think a healthy and positive relationship between a mother and son is a beautiful thing.

  • **inquiring mind**

    Aww Jozen… who cares about what people think about you and yo momma… dats why she is YOUR’S and NOT theirs. Doesn’t someone always have something negative to say about ANYTHING anyway? Eff THEM! Life is too short, yo momma obviously knows that… them chicks or whoever that talk mess about y’alls relationship obviously haven’t lived long enough… Boy you better take that sautee pan and cook her something special in it when she comes to visit.

    *sidenote* You keep playing around with this “process” thing and you won’t be living. PERIOD. (that’s a bit dramatic, but for effect I felt it was necessary… work with me here- by working out) Get it together!

  • Kelz

    I don’t think there is anything negative to be said about your relationship with your mother. As long as you are trying to be an independent man, and do what you have to do for yourself, there is nothing wrong. Mothers are going to be mothers, they are always going to try to wipe our noses, and prevent us from falling when they can. It’s innate. And I’d much rather be with a man with a healthy relationship with his mother, than a harmful one.

  • Aries_Rose

    Jozen,

    I don’t know what kind of response you were expecting, but this reminds me a lot of how I was raised. My parents raised me and my siblings like this and they never believed their job was over because we turned 18. We all fall on hard times. It’s one thing to fall on hard times and another to just be doing absolutely nothing with your life because you don’t feel like it. I have a younger brother and our Dad helped him, even when he had his own house and started a family. It’s not babying, but helping out when you see your children making an honest effort is what good parents do. I ain’t mad at ya!

  • http://weightlossandthesinglegirl.wordpress.com/ Single Girl

    No hate here. She sounds like a wonderful woman. I always say, ‘Mom’s make life better.’ Yours proves that. -SG

  • http://www.ivplay.ca Pow

    “If men have to deal with women who had fathers that weren’t there, women have to deal with men who have mothers that were” Such a POWERFUL quote

  • Bunny.

    I loved this. Period. I dont even DO yo mama jokes because I will turn a knife on someone. Your parents are a part of what you are and who you are. An insult to the person who gave you life is the most tender subject. The feeling to turn to your mom when you need help isn’t weakness and I commend you for that. Bravo.

  • Carla

    I have always been on the female side of this because my father is just like your mother. Whenever I need something, not because i’m too lazy to do it myself but because I honestly worked by butt off and have exhausted all my options, my dad is there. It’s one thing to sit around and have things given to you or to be in a situation where your parent is enabling (i hate that word in regards to my situation) but to work hard and still fall short and have a wonderful support system is the beauty in having caring, loving parents. I aspire to raise a family with that kind of love , to have a relationship like my mother and father (who have been married for 30 years) and to find a guy who would appreciate that type of giving as something he should model himself after. Its a wonderful thing.

  • Miss. Riss

    Kinda seems pointless writing a comment, but….

    That sautee pan situation is just like me and my mom, just the other day I got an email about some camisoles she saw on sale. Gotta love good mothers :)

  • Kady

    Man I wish someone would be bold enough to criticize me for accepting help from my family. Thats what family is for in the first place. I am the youngest of 2 girls, so my family is pretty tiny and we hold each other down. When my sister was buying her home, I loaned her money and added her to my bank accounts so she would be approved, 2 years later when my first apartment flood, she told me to pack my stuff and move in with her. People who look at your relationship with your mother as a “take” are miss guided. Sure she is helping you out today but one day down the line it will be your turn because family takes care of each other. I can’t even imagine how insecure and stupid a woman has to be to criticize someone for accepting help from family when they are down, definitely no wife material.

  • http://whomadeyougreat.com Lala Jackson

    I’m my mother’s daughter, in every way, and I completely understand. There’s a really huge difference from a mom who is an ‘enabler’ and a mom who is just looking out for her own, as she should. My mom is certainly the type where a random care package will show up with random items I may have mentioned in conversation without really thinking about it, and as much as I want to be independent, I know that if I just had to spend a lot of money on something unexpected, she usually ‘reimburses’ me for it because she doesn’t want to see me struggle.

    You still work hard and you’re not trying to take advantage – that’s the key difference that I bet women have missed in the past when they made ‘enabling’ comments. If you weren’t working and you knew she would help you and that’s why you continued to fall back on her help then sure, that would be enabling. But as it stands now, your mom sounds fantastic and I’m glad you have her.

    Plus, you can tell EVERYTHING about a man by how he treats the women in his life that he’s related to. So I think the relationship you seem to have with her shows a lot of good qualities in you.

  • j

    good stuff, i think its great to have moms who care that much bc many dont…as long as we dont allow them to criple our ability to grow and one day take care of them its all love!

  • BoomShots

    Yo son, you think the hair on your back stands up when someone says something referencing your mom’s. I am the only son with a mother and 2 older sisters…all three would put cut a mofo with a spoon if they came at me sideways. “…you must have been spoiled..” is always the first I hear whenever I tell some women my family structure. But they are alternately shocked to learn I am probably one of the most self reliant person they ever met. I tell folks all the time that what my parents and sisters “enabled” was my ability to best that I could be because I was secure in knowing they had my back.

    That sense of security is a powerful force that without it you are more likely to be crippled by fear and thus never try. Whenever I hear people dismiss the value of loyal dedicated parents, I pity them because I think the reason they do is because they lack that positive force in their lives. Good parents and good family believes in you even when you doubt yourself and do their best to make your dreams come through. You can’t buy that anywhere.

    I am not a religious man but “honoring my mother and father” is one commandment I will always maintain. Because I know that without those 2 imperfect people I could only have done worse not better.

  • leressa

    I think it sounds like you have a very healthy relationship with your mom. I think it only becomes an issue in a realtionship when it is not.. when it becomes more co dependent rather than allowing each party to live independently living and loving as they please.

  • blackcattygirl

    I guess I will be the dissenting opinion because you do sound kind of spoiled. Though it doesn’t seem like it has had a negative effect on you. I wonder if your mother will be able to pull back alittle when you meet someone. She sounds like she tries to make sure you have what you need (not a bad thing at all). Some women might find that annoying.

  • http://www.pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

    Great post. I’m not a man so of course I don’t receive the extent of the stigma you do, but since I’m a youngest child, I’m definitely spoiled. I am also very independent so I do use my mama as a VERY last resort when I need help, but she does help me. She has helped me then and will continue to help me now. And I’m glad she is there to support me. I think of us as a team…she was a single parent most of my life, and now that I’m an adult, I try to support her in similar ways she has supported me. I’m glad she’s there.

    I love a man who has a close relationship with his mother. The only time I see it as a problem is when he is using her as a crutch. And hell, I feel that way in regards to his relationship with ANYONE. It’s not healthy, no matter the type of relationship it is.

  • http://sinnamonnights.blogspot.com/ Sinnamon

    @blackcattygirl
    I was afraid to comment until I read yours.

    Jozen, you have a great relationship with your mom, but my only issue would be regarding what happens after you are married which we really can’t speak on yet because you’re not. I’m an advocate of becoming one with your wife once you get married and so she should be the most important woman in your life. Not to say you always have to agree with her or side with her, but for instance, there should be some privacy between you two so that youdon’t share every detail of you relationship with your mother. As a woman, I know that can be nervewrecking to feel like my relationship with a man is not our own.

    Relationships with family are important. There is a fine line and what’s crucial is knowing where that line is. I once had a boyfriend so close to his mother that he told her all about our sex life and that just made me way uncomfortable.

  • http://thefabfoodie.wordpress.com thefabfoodie

    FANTASTIC post. Absolutely Fantastic. A lady I met when I was younger told me, “Your mama is your best friend.” Truer words have NEVER been spoken. I have the same relationship with my mom that you described, and I dare anyone, man or woman, to criticize that. My mom is my next breath and the reason I am who I am. Any woman who would criticize a mother’s love for her son doesn’t know the true meaning of motherhood.
    I’ve always operated on the saying,”If you want to know how a man will treat a woman, look at his relationship with his mother.” My boyfriend lost his mother 3 years ago to cancer, and they also had a similar relationship to what you described with your mom. To watch him deal with that unimaginable pain is something that still brings me to tears.

  • http://womanofcolor.wordpress.com brownivyx

    I think it’s ridiculous to be anything other than genuinely grateful for having a mother that loves and supports you. Period.

    I was raised by my mother. In her way, she was loving and she did the best she could to raise me and my younger brother and sister, alone. She was a very strong woman, in ways even I don’t know how to be, now at the same age as she was then. But she was also a big proponent of tough love. She was very much of the “pull yourself up by the bootstraps” camp, and was not particularly “in touch with her emotions”, as they say. She basically thrust me out into the World, albeit an Ivy League one, at the age of 17, and said, fend for yourself. And I did, in a very strange and winding path that I’ve grown to love. But, I am a harder, rougher woman for it and there are gaps in my World that have come from being a person with no feasible safety net…such as the inability to trust anyone except myself completely, a dull fear that that the bottom could drop out at any moment, and a sort of sadness when I look at my friends who do have doting parents, the kind of confidence and security that comes with knowing that there is always a place for you in this World. I don’t have that…yet. And though I love my Mother, and I love the person I have become as a result of her parentage, it is not the way I would choose to raise my children. My style, ideally, would be closer to that of the openly loving and supportive mother.

  • http://www.icareforyouhomecare.com Lia

    It is good to have a good relationship with your mom. I can learn a lot about you by the way you relate with your mom. This will make our relationship solid. My husband is the same way with our two daughters, but their husbands are jealous of the relationship. They are insecure in their relationship with my daughters. They always ask their dad for advice and help when they have exhausted all other options. I wish I had a dad like that. My dad was never there for me. The father figure I had was my uncle. You will find that special woman who will appreciate the relationship you and your mother have.

  • mochabarbie

    Jozen,

    You are very blessed to have the mother you have. I am not as fortunate as you. I have been unemployed for the past year and I wish I had a mother or a father I could turn to. Kudos to your mother for doing what a parent is supposed to do. You should not have to apologize to anyone because you have a great relationship with your mom.

  • Jinx Moneypenny

    My brother’s dad had a toxic relationship with his mother, full of blame and discontent and pain, so that played the biggest role in the relationship he had with our mom, which eventually ended in divorce.

    I took note of it, much like everything else in my young life, and vowed that I wouldn’t allow myself to be put through all the sh*t my mom was put through on account of her ex-mother-in-law. My last ex doesn’t have much of a relationship with his mom, and even though we were together for a couple of years and I’ll always have love for him it made me uncomfortable to know some of the things he had experienced on account of her.

    My s/o and his mom are exactly alike, which is part of why it’s best they don’t live close to each other (lol). But they definitely love one another, and that much is obvious, no matter how often he rolls his eyes when conversing with her.

    I’m hoping with enough time my son will learn never to apologize for what I do for him, to anyone. Period. I know my role, and will continue to know it whether he’s in a relationship or not.

  • Violet

    Jozen,

    We know you ADORE your mother. No surprises here.

    We also know this is a difficult time for you. The nebulous of emotions you’re displaying is normal and healthy. Just keep sharing.

    Everything is going to be alright.

  • http://www.my28cents.com Vic

    @BoomShots
    Same here, raised by my mother and my 2 older sisters. I get that annoying “you must be spoiled comment” as well. Just shows how little they know because unless I’m hanging from a rope with no knot at the end, I don’t ask anyone for anything.

    Anyway, regretfully I don’t have the same type of relationship Jozen has with his mom. We sometimes go weeks without seeing or speaking to each other. No bad blood or anything that’s just how it is. We have a different bond. If she were to slip & fall right now I would most likely feel it (mentally). Without getting into too much detail, when I was a kid I actually saved her life twice because our strange bond. Although my mother would help me out financially in a heartbeat, it’s usually my eldest sister who plays that role. Rare, but sh*t happens. It’s that false pride that has a few people sleeping in alleys.

    I love my family, I could ramble all day about them. Bottom line, unless a mother interferes with her son’s relationships for no good reason (and he let’s her) I don’t see the problem . Anyone who has an issue with it, well you just have to ask them if they weren’t hugged enough as a child…

  • Cristina

    There is nothing wrong with being close with your mother. Any woman in your life should respect that relationship. My mom would have sent me the email about the pan too… and actually if me and a friend were having a conversation about sautee pans, I would probably send them a link too if I knew they were on sale or something. I thought it was a woman thing, but I guess not. Me and my mom have a very close relationship as well, and I know she would be meeting needs I said I didn’t need help with if I was too proud or too shy to ask for something.

    When it comes to the process thing, I have some advice… serious advice. MAKE CONCRETE GOALS. “Today I will avoid all fried foods.” “I will eat 5 servings of fruits/vegetables.” “I will drink only water.” These are positive statements and will allow you to change your habits over time. If you give yourself vague resolutions you will be lenient on yourself. Give yourself commands. Praise yourself when you do something well. And write down everything that goes into your mouth, along with these statements. When you have weeks of food intake written, you have a visual way to address it. Not only can you then make better decisions, you can also see the changes you are making over time. In a year it will look very different for you. Good luck, you can do it!

  • rwifey

    similar situation, my tv went up, right when the cable bill was do, so i let the cable get off, no need for it, no tv to watch it
    mom and dad in there oldie but goodie position are willing to do what they can to get me a tv, i had to beg and plead for them to not worry, I WILL TAKE CARE OF IT!!!! (screamin)
    and yet still they sent an envelope in the mail with cash in it: FOR A NEW TV OR WHATEVER ELSE YOU MAY NEED
    …sigh….
    as i always say, i just want to be to my kids even the tiniest bit of what they are to me

  • Lyoness

    “I think some women get it confused. They don’t know the difference between a mama’s boy and a mother’s son.”

    That says it all. You had me right there. Don’t apologize because your mother made raising you as an honest, hard-working, independent person a priority. She’s willing to help you because she sees how much effort and hard work you’re putting into making your dreams come true.

    I’m my mother’s daughter. I can honestly say she’s one of my best friends and I don’t apologize for it. She’s been a wonderful emotional support through professional school. Anyone who calls you a “momma’s boy” is probably jealous that they don’t have that kind of relationship with their own mother.

  • Cali

    I’m all for positive relationships w/ our parents – we have to cherish those relationships while we have them b/c they’re not forever. As a woman who lost her dad far too soon, I love to see a man have a great relationship w/ both parents. It’s a blessing, anyone who says different is probably broken…

  • http://twitter.com/flockabey AGirlNamedGOYS

    @blackcattygirl

    Why should it be annoying to a woman that someone is there to make sure he has everything he needs? That sounds hella jealous and petty. “Nobody can take care of you but me” is selfish and counter productive, and is usually the sentiment of those who cant take care of shit anyways.

    With all the fucked up examples of family, trauma and pseudo family we see today, Jozen is lucky to have something real, to actually have a family that does what it is supposed to do, instead of bringing pain and stress people feel forced to endure just because “its blood”. And thats what made him a real person. Absolutely no reason to hate on that.

    I do think he sounds a little over sensitive about the topic. I believe as he grows and acquires more wisdom, he will find there is no need to hold anger towards those people, but have compassion for the fact they have been so unfortunate in that area they can not properly conceptualize this sort of love. Aint no use hatin on a fool, they know no better

    “If you aint talkin bout wisdom, you aint talkin bout shit.” FlockaBey

    Peace and Abundance

  • http://www.realtalk123.com AlesiaMichelle

    I don’t see anything wrong with being close to your parents. I have been “looked down on” by men who felt that because my parents have provided me with so much that I automatically don’t know how to stand on my own two feet. This is untrue. My parents only want the best for me, and honestly what parent wants their kids to suffer? I don’t see anything wrong with your post.

    Maybe I just know a lot of Mama’s Boys lol (not that you are a mama’s boy lol)

  • BklynJewel

    I love this blog post!! I understand your frustration. Your mom seems like an amazing woman!! God Bless you and your mom!!

  • LBoogie

    Mother’s mother. That’s what they do, and to a certain extent, you’ll always be a child in your parents’ eyes. Most mothers don’t like the idea of their children (even adult children) wanting for anything. If it’s in their power to help you out, then that’s what they’ll do. I’m sure if you were in the position to help your Mom out in some way, then you would do that as well. Of course, anything done in excess, can become harmful. However, it sounds as if you have established healthy boundaries with your mother.

  • keiana cox

    ITS ABSOLUELY NOTHING WRONG FOR A MOTHER TO HAVE AN INFINITE LOVE FOR HER CHILD……WHETHER YOUR 5 OR 50 FOR THE MOST PART A MOM WILL ALWAYS GO OUT OF HER WAY TO MAKE U HAPPY… OFFERING TO BUY THE SAUTEE PAN WAS A SWEET GESTURE OF ENDEARMENT AND VERY THOUGHTFUL FOR HER TO REMEMBER U MENTIONING UR NEED FOR 1 AND FAR FROM SPOILING YOU N MY EYES ITS TOO MANY MOMS OUT HERE REWARDING THERE CHILDREN WHO ARENT MAKING ANY EFFORT TO HELP THEMSELVES BUT U ON THE OTHER HAND U ARE AN INTELLIGENT FOCUSED YOUNG MAN N SHES JUST WILLING TO ASSIST U UNTIL U CAN STAND FIRM ON YOUR OWN TWO FEET AND THATS WHAT A GOOD MOM DOES SHE KNOWS ITLL PAY OFF N THE END WHEN UR ABLE TO TAKE CARE OF HER AND THE REWARD OF HER CHILD BEING SUCCESSFUL WILL BE EQUIVALENT TO THE SACRIFICE……..GREAT BLOG STAHAN

  • citygirl22

    This post made me smile. I have a similar relationship with my Mom. Her favorite “trick” is to ask me to go shopping with her, saying she needs help choosing X. She then treats me to something for myself, as thanks for helping her.
    A mother’s love never ends… that’s how it should be :)

  • Pingback: His Mama vs. YOU: Know Your Role « The Ramblings of an Intellectual Sistah()