Home > Five Things, s#x > A Woman’s Five Freaky Things That Freak Me(n) Out

A Woman’s Five Freaky Things That Freak Me(n) Out

October 12th, 2010 Leave a comment Go to comments

Before I get into today’s list, I just want to say I hope we can have fun and talk about today’s post in the comments section like mature adults who know how to laugh. Remember: Just because you don’t find it funny, doesn’t mean it’s serious.

Without saying too much about myself, I would like to think I’m fairly adventurous when it comes to bedroom activities. There is a short list of things I absolutely positively won’t do, or should I say let be done to me? Yeah, I’ll say that, a short list of things I won’t let be done to me, so go ahead and connect the dots on that one. But when it comes to her? Hey, whatever we need to do for her to enjoy herself, I’m game. There’s not too much I won’t do for her pleasure, but every now and then, I want to draw another line.

Whether it was something I experienced first hand or it was an experience one my boys told me about, the following is a list of five things women have wanted to do to enhance the experience, but in doing so, pushed the envelope a little too far. It’s not to say the show will stop. Not at all; it must go on. But just know, these five things are making me slightly uncomfortable.

SHE BRINGS OUT THE BIG BOTTLE OF LUBE

Couple things here: The first is she hands it to me to use and I notice how it’s not a full bottle. What? Why does this thing feel half-empty? Second thing: Why is the seal already broken? Third: Why the heck is it such a huge bottle?  Ladies who want or need to use this stuff, take it down a notch. Get some sample packs and let us use those. Quit telling on yourself by throwing us a quarter-empty Costco sized bottle of KY.

THE USE OF C*CK RINGS

I really fault the manufactures of this product because they’re the ones who never market this as a disposable item. Ladies who are into this sort of thing, please, please, have the decency to buy a new one. There is not enough water and soap in the world for me to feel comfortable using one that’s already been used. Matter of fact, before I even consider putting this thing on, I need to see a receipt with that day’s date circled in red ink and the device still needs to be in the package. Ladies, think of the c*ck ring as an engagement ring. No woman wants the ring her man gets back after things didn’t work out with his ex-woman. No man wants the ring the woman gave her last man.

THE “TERMINATOR 2”  VIBRATOR

No this is not a specific vibrator I’m talking about, this is an analogy. I remember thinking the first Terminator, the original one, was the baddest dude to ever be in movies. Part man, part machine. He was a force of nature unlike no other until, I saw Terminator 2. The villain in the second Terminator was way badder than the original Terminator, and anyone who ever saw both will say they thought in Terminator 2, the new Terminator was going to kick the old Terminator’s butt until the end when the original ended up finding a way to kill the new version. I say all that to say this…

My equipment is like the original Terminator, part man, part machine (girl, quit rolling your eyes). But a couple of times in my life when a woman wants me to use a vibrator on her, she brings out some huge, imposing device that looks mad expensive. This is what I call the Terminator 2. Now, just like in the Terminator 2 movie, the original Terminator will ultimately be the victor over the Terminator 2 she’s asked me to use on her, but obviously Terminator 2 is going to put up a fight. So ladies, be considerate when buying these vibrators. As my boy so eloquently put it, it’s okay to get the “your-d*ck-can’t-do-this-2000”, but try not to take it out in front of us. Remember, the sidekick can never be bigger than the main guy.

THAT WHOLE CHOKING THING

I once dated a woman who loved to be choked, but I always felt somewhat uncomfortable with it. Maybe I watched one too many episodes of Law & Order or something, but even with the use of a safe word, my propensity to get all Ultimate Fighter on this woman was always less than hers. When we were done she would always ask, “Why’d you loosen up the grip?” And though I would always blame it on my reflexes to the climax, what I really wanted to tell her was, “Because you sounded like you were having an asthma attack and I don’t want to catch a case.”

FEATHERS

A classic case of something I would use on a woman but she better not ever try to use on me. Why? Because I’m ticklish. Okay? I admit it. I am ticklish. I know it’s not the most masculine thing to say, but better to say it now than let a woman hear me in the bedroom laughing like a school boy who just saw a pair of breasts for the first time.

——————————————————————————————

THE PROCESS

Yesterday I spent a full day away from the Internet, it felt great. Trying to find ways to relax. But good news, I’m about to document the physical part of the process. Meeting with a trainer on Saturday. Videos will soon come on a partnering website.

SEVENTH Edition of the Poppin’ Questions Podcast is now up,  last day before we post the EIGHTH.  Click here to listen

Categories: Five Things, s#x Tags:
  • Keia

    Hilarious, I actually showed off my “your-d*ck-can’t-do-this-2000” last night, and got the most priceless look! This has to be my favorite post, keep it up!

  • top5

    You forgot a couple things on here Jozen… but I’ll let those live for another day… But i agree with you on the Choking thing… I am scared to death of accidentally hurting her… She dies and you have to explain that one to the cops, ummm well I am going to jail… The first time a girl ever asked me to do that, I had no idea what to do… 87 year old grandmother had a harder grip on her neck than I did…

  • Ritenow26

    This is the funniest post ever. It’s ok that your ticklish it’s pretty cute. The choking part is too damn crazy but then again pain and pleasure can go hand and hand.

  • Tiggums McGhee

    LMAO! This is the funniest thing I read in a long time. (“your-d*ck-can’t-do-this-2000”). Im in class reading this trying to keep my chuckles to myself, but I’m having a hard time. Oh and I love when guys are ticklish! I definitely use it against whatever guy im with…it seems to be the only way for me to get physical control over him, in a fun way of course.

  • Toya

    As an offender of numbers 1, 3, and 4, I find this post utterly hilarious! Top5, what are the remaining freaky freak outs?

  • lady876

    This is hilarious “you d^ck cant do this 2000” had me rollin’…yea, we do be trippin sometimes with our requests

  • Lexy

    HILARIOUS … love this post lol “My equipment is like the original Terminator, part man, part machine (girl, quit rolling your eyes).” sounds like something my man would say lol …but i totally understand what you are getting at.

  • Danni

    This fool said a Costco-sized bottle of KY :). *dead*

  • Nadira Rae

    VERY funny: half-empty, Costco-sized bottles of lube lol…gently used cock rings LOL. The Terminator 2 analogy was priceless…that T-1000 was a BAAAAD muthaf*cka! LOL. Why did I think of something totally different when I read the heading for #4….nevermind. Hahahahaa. Great post.

  • Jmontva

    Yo, this is funny, but so true when it come to some women

  • Anonymous

    LM*entire*AO!!! I really should not read these posts while at work. I’m here trying extra hard not to cackle, this one was a classic!

    *“your-d*ck-can’t-do-this-2000″*

    DEAD!

  • http://alishawritinglife.wordpress.com/ Alisha

    “(Girl, quit rolling your eyes.)” Funny.

  • Anonymous

    Who enjoys being choked?! Very funny post Jozen you should probably keep them funny like this…that rating system crap wasn’t for me and although I can laugh about it now it didn’t make sense either

  • Ms. Ne

    HILARIOUS! I’m trying not to laugh too loud in my cube!…Still laughing…Best line:”what I really wanted to tell her was, “Because you sounded like you were having an asthma attack and I don’t want to catch a case.””…DONE!

  • BoomShots

    I can’t feel the chicks with the “hurt me” freak…I understand that many of our turn-ons are not rational but I don’t want to be explaining why my woman is all bruised up or got a handprints on her neck.

    The things you learn about people during sex can make you start giving some perfectly respectable looking folks the side eye after a while.

  • Kady

    I keep my big bottle of lube right next to my 36 pack of condoms, I keep the bottle upside down because its almost empty lmfao. But seriously, nothing grosses me out than someone busting out a old bottle of anything, even if we’re on a 2 week break, you gonna need to throw that stuff out and repurchase pleeze.

    And reusable rings, ohh geez STOP!!!

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/2FXR3MIN4X7L4RZG2O7Q7LRGHI Scarlett D

    Shots fired! #I’mhit

  • http://sleep-is-the-cousin-of-death.blogspot.com/ taut_7

    yeah 1/2 used KY jelly is not the business.

  • Gina

    I agree with KY jelly and the c*ck ring! How you gonna break out an open box of condoms and there is only ONE in there…so whoo you been having sex with? Yea that’s another topic for discussion. But this made me laugh. P.S. Anybody out here wear JEANS? http://www.denim-lounge.blogspot.com

  • http://twitter.com/streetztalk Streetz

    I cosign the anti choking thing. im just not tryna choke a b*tch. Wayne Brady

  • Tash

    This is my first comment and this post was the funniest I’ve ever read. Keep it up.

  • SimplyBeautiful

    LMBO…in tears. Hey there’s nothing wrong with a little choke every now and again (sometimes you need a little roughness)

  • http://twitter.com/thefabfoodie Qiana McKoy

    Absolutely hilarious!!! Although I will say, sometimes we have to show you the “your d*ick-can’t-do-this-2000” when you want to act like the original Terminator isn’t up to the task. #i’mjustsayin. Anyway, great post!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=668083450 Nadia Imiss Jman Woods

    Lol Josen noo..so you’re ticklish hun? *makes mental note* j/k

  • Anonymous

    HEEHEEHee…. This is too funny, I read this post to my co-workers and I barely got any work done.

    Years ago I was in a relationship where my partner was sexually adynamic. It took me some time to convince him to broaden his sexual horizons. In the end, he did open up and accepted alot of things. And I’m sure the girlfriends after me appreciated the work I put in. Reading this post reminded me of him and that time.

    There was a particular situation that happened between us. One day he picked me up to take me home, as he drove, he asked what I got from the sex shop in hopes to use them that night. So I showed him a few things and then I pulled out the…
    7″ HOT PINK VIBRATOR :-) with the adjustable speed dial… LMAO
    He looked at that vibrator, snatched it out of my hands, and threw it out of the window onto the expressway. I guess he reacted that way because his PENIS SIZE is in the 40th PERCENTILE :-)

    So what u said is so true in my book….
    “Remember, the sidekick can never be bigger than the main guy.”

    HEEHEEHee LMAO

  • http://www.nicolen275.blogspot.com Nicolen75

    OMG! I was screaming. “Quit telling on yourself by throwing us a quarter-empty Costco sized bottle of KY.” Ha!

  • spchrist3

    That was a good list…I’ve never understood the choking this as a turn on though.

  • spchrist3

    this=thing

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=780690191 Shai Ramzan

    lmao! this has to be one of my favorite posts!

  • Brwn_Butterfly80

    Favorite lines in this post:

    “My equipment is like the original Terminator, part man, part machine (girl, quit rolling your eyes). ”

    “I know it’s not the most masculine thing to say, but better to say it now than let a woman hear me in the bedroom laughing like a school boy who just saw a pair of breasts for the first time.”

    Lmfbo!!! This is it! Great post.

  • Bklynjewel

    This post had me dying particularly the paragraph about the c*ck rings!! Love it!!

  • Rw

    i always wondered how men felt about choking, and i only had one dude i was concerned about, only ’cause he had already caught multiple cases (nothing to lose)
    glad u didnt touch on spitting 0_o

  • swoowooopblooded

    “Why? Because I’m ticklish. Okay?” Im done.

  • renee

    There should be a part 2 to this…maybe even from a lady’s perspective

  • Southern Poise

    OMG, ROTFLMAO…. TOO DAMN FUNNY…. “your-d*ck-can’t-do-this-2000”.. CLASSIC!!! “Matter of fact, before I even consider putting this thing on, I need to see a receipt with that day’s date circled in red ink and the device still needs to be in the package.” TOTALLY AGREE….EWWW THAT’S NASTY LOL

  • Pingback: Until I Get Married » Why I Can’t Trust A Woman Who Doesn’t Own Toys()