A Woman’s Five Freaky Things That Freak Me(n) Out
Before I get into today’s list, I just want to say I hope we can have fun and talk about today’s post in the comments section like mature adults who know how to laugh. Remember: Just because you don’t find it funny, doesn’t mean it’s serious.
Without saying too much about myself, I would like to think I’m fairly adventurous when it comes to bedroom activities. There is a short list of things I absolutely positively won’t do, or should I say let be done to me? Yeah, I’ll say that, a short list of things I won’t let be done to me, so go ahead and connect the dots on that one. But when it comes to her? Hey, whatever we need to do for her to enjoy herself, I’m game. There’s not too much I won’t do for her pleasure, but every now and then, I want to draw another line.
Whether it was something I experienced first hand or it was an experience one my boys told me about, the following is a list of five things women have wanted to do to enhance the experience, but in doing so, pushed the envelope a little too far. It’s not to say the show will stop. Not at all; it must go on. But just know, these five things are making me slightly uncomfortable.
SHE BRINGS OUT THE BIG BOTTLE OF LUBE
Couple things here: The first is she hands it to me to use and I notice how it’s not a full bottle. What? Why does this thing feel half-empty? Second thing: Why is the seal already broken? Third: Why the heck is it such a huge bottle? Ladies who want or need to use this stuff, take it down a notch. Get some sample packs and let us use those. Quit telling on yourself by throwing us a quarter-empty Costco sized bottle of KY.
THE USE OF C*CK RINGS
I really fault the manufactures of this product because they’re the ones who never market this as a disposable item. Ladies who are into this sort of thing, please, please, have the decency to buy a new one. There is not enough water and soap in the world for me to feel comfortable using one that’s already been used. Matter of fact, before I even consider putting this thing on, I need to see a receipt with that day’s date circled in red ink and the device still needs to be in the package. Ladies, think of the c*ck ring as an engagement ring. No woman wants the ring her man gets back after things didn’t work out with his ex-woman. No man wants the ring the woman gave her last man.
THE “TERMINATOR 2” VIBRATOR
No this is not a specific vibrator I’m talking about, this is an analogy. I remember thinking the first Terminator, the original one, was the baddest dude to ever be in movies. Part man, part machine. He was a force of nature unlike no other until, I saw Terminator 2. The villain in the second Terminator was way badder than the original Terminator, and anyone who ever saw both will say they thought in Terminator 2, the new Terminator was going to kick the old Terminator’s butt until the end when the original ended up finding a way to kill the new version. I say all that to say this…
My equipment is like the original Terminator, part man, part machine (girl, quit rolling your eyes). But a couple of times in my life when a woman wants me to use a vibrator on her, she brings out some huge, imposing device that looks mad expensive. This is what I call the Terminator 2. Now, just like in the Terminator 2 movie, the original Terminator will ultimately be the victor over the Terminator 2 she’s asked me to use on her, but obviously Terminator 2 is going to put up a fight. So ladies, be considerate when buying these vibrators. As my boy so eloquently put it, it’s okay to get the “your-d*ck-can’t-do-this-2000”, but try not to take it out in front of us. Remember, the sidekick can never be bigger than the main guy.
THAT WHOLE CHOKING THING
I once dated a woman who loved to be choked, but I always felt somewhat uncomfortable with it. Maybe I watched one too many episodes of Law & Order or something, but even with the use of a safe word, my propensity to get all Ultimate Fighter on this woman was always less than hers. When we were done she would always ask, “Why’d you loosen up the grip?” And though I would always blame it on my reflexes to the climax, what I really wanted to tell her was, “Because you sounded like you were having an asthma attack and I don’t want to catch a case.”
A classic case of something I would use on a woman but she better not ever try to use on me. Why? Because I’m ticklish. Okay? I admit it. I am ticklish. I know it’s not the most masculine thing to say, but better to say it now than let a woman hear me in the bedroom laughing like a school boy who just saw a pair of breasts for the first time.
Yesterday I spent a full day away from the Internet, it felt great. Trying to find ways to relax. But good news, I’m about to document the physical part of the process. Meeting with a trainer on Saturday. Videos will soon come on a partnering website.
SEVENTH Edition of the Poppin’ Questions Podcast is now up, last day before we post the EIGHTH. Click here to listen