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All He Ever Wanted Was A Girl He Wouldn’t Cheat On

October 20th, 2010 Leave a comment Go to comments

People always ask me why I haven’t been in a relationship, and I say, “Because I have yet to meet a girl I wouldn’t cheat on.”

I say it as a joke, sort of. The truth is, I know when it comes to cheating, it’s a personal choice. No one ever put a gun to my head and told me to cheat anytime I did in the past. But I also think it’s my choice to find a woman who makes it the easiest choice in the world not to cheat.

The fact is, some men are lazy. They’ll accept any girl who likes them and make them their girlfriend. As I always like to say, the girl a man wants most is the girl who wants him the most. Some of us like the girls who don’t make it difficult for us to love them. We don’t want to deal with the frustrations of the chase.

Eventually I outgrew such a trivial need or desire. Call it a boost of much needed self-confidence, or a wake up call, but at some point I realized what was more important than how a girl felt about me was how I felt about the girl. I didn’t want to be with any girl who didn’t hold my interest beyond her presence.

I lost a girl I loved very much because I made a choice to cheat, and I think it takes those types of situations to learn the lessons necessary to at least not to want to do it again. I used to think cheating was par for the course, or if I did it, the girl would eventually get over it. These were just girlfriends, they weren’t my wife. I could cheat, and if I got caught, no law would be broken, only a heart.

All of these things are easy to say if you never get caught. But I did get caught, and everything that came as a consequence of being caught was all I needed to know cheating is not worth it. Cheating is a horrible thing deserving of no reprieve. Cheating crushes the trust in a relationship like it was nothing. Cheating is a one-way ticket to hell on earth.

Cheating can also happen again.

Want to know why so many men are out there taking their time to commit to one woman? If it isn’t their own efforts to bettering themselves (to thine own self be true), it’s because they don’t want to cheat. When we see things like the Tiger Woods situation, the first thing we heard a lot of men say is he should have never got married in the first place. Those men know like I know, the lifestyle he was going to be able to afford was going to give him access to all types of women he would never find at home. We all knew Tiger wanted to get married because he believed it was cheaper to keep her, but as we all saw, it’s expensive to lose her as well. So why bother committing if we know we can’t be committed in the first place? Men ask the question just as often as women do.

To be honest, I have no idea.

I do know a man like me loves the idea of being with one person for the rest of my life more than I love the idea of chasing all types of women around for the rest of my life.

When I wrote about the latest rating system my friends and I developed for women, I tried to breakdown all these reasons why it was such a necessary system to use, but I don’t think I mentioned one of thoe most essential reasons. If I put a woman in a percentile. I am basically laying out the odds I won’t cheat on her. So therefore if I say a woman belongs in the 90th percentile (the creme de la creme of percentiles), I am basically saying there’s a 90 percent chance I’m not going to cheat on her. Ask any man alive and he’ll take those odds. Most men take 80 percent odds. It’s what we have all come to know as the 80/20 rule. Most women are only going to give a man 80 percent of what he wants, the rest of the women out in the world only account for the other 20 percent of what we want. When a man breaks it down like that, he begins to think that’s good enough for him to keep still and stick with the woman he has.

Unfortunately, I don’t know what constitutes a 90 percent and I don’t know what constitutes anything less. I don’t know what drives a man to cheat, but I do know if a man makes the right choice and waits to find himself a woman he is absolutely crazy for, the likelihood he will cheat decreases dramatically. The question is, does such a woman exist? Absolutely, and here’s how I know.

Because with my own eyes I have seen a man with a woman he is absolutely crazy about. I know what it looks like when a man finds the woman of his dreams, because he isn’t even paying attention to other women who are around him or in his vicinity. Even when he does notice one, all he’s doing is sizing her up, and comparing him to what he has back home, which he already knows is far better than what he sees before him.

I have also seen men end up with women they know don’t hold their attention, who are more than happy to be with a woman who let’s them do what they want, and therefore, they really, really do what they want. I don’t judge the men, but it’s easy for me to say I don’t envy them. It’s not that they can’t make a choice, it’s that they chose wrong and so they try to make up for it.

As far as I’m concerned, just like I have  a choice to be with the woman on the side or not, I also have a choice to be with the woman who is going to be in front. And if I’m doing it right, the woman I choose to put in front, will make me blind, deaf, and dumb to the women on the side.

——————————————————————————————

THE PROCESS

This diet is killing me, but it’s kind of what I need right now. Ate a grape wrap yesterday and nearly freaked out because I didn’t know it had rice in it. I spit it out on the first bite. Oh, also getting back into my regular church rotation. Went on Sunday and Wednesday last week. Plan to do the same this week. It’s what I need.

The EIGHTH Edition of the Poppin’ Questions Podcast is now up, so please click here to listen

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  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_42SURC7WVXKYWWIZC5JKLEO6FQ Huguette

    I Think this is the realest thing I´ve seen u write about Jozen. In fact so real that I finally desided to comment ( wich took me a while).

    Let me let u in on a secret, a woman´s point of viuw:
    Us confident women only want to be that kind of a woman to our man. Let me be the 90% for u at home sothat u can meet all kinds of 10% on the street. A woman who loves herself and who has something to offer want to do it good or not do it at all. I guess its safe to say that even if ur not at that place yet, U are deffinatly on ur way. And hey… I aint mad at ya for being u and doin ur thang in the mean time. U´ll get it right when ur time comes. Just try not to break too many hearts cause u might be blessed one day with a daughter and we all know that karma is a big ugly b*tch.

    Keep walkin forward Josen, ur just around the corner from ur destination.

  • Me

    This one of my favorite ones. Thank you!!!! It kind of hit home since my two serious relationship ended in them cheating on me. When I left them they acted like there whole world just crashed and swore to me that they changed, but of course the trust was now gone. Once the trust is gone what the point of staying in the relationship ?? I guess they were right and losing me made them grow. I guess, for my next relationship I need to ask the question why did you break up with yr ex?? Okay.. did her leaving you impact you soo bad that you are ready to be in a relationship and stay faithful lol Because I am done being the lesson

  • Msquimarie

    “And if I’m doing it right, the woman I choose to put in front, will make me blind, deaf, and dumb to the women on the side.”

    Best line ever!

  • http://sleep-is-the-cousin-of-death.blogspot.com/ taut_7

    great post. you’re right, cheating is a choice and people make that choice everyday. a lot of people say that they would rather you leave them than cheat on them and for the most part i believe them. i don’t understand the logic behind it. there have been times where i suspected i was cheated on (never had concrete proof) and just the thought of it alone was disturbing. like you said no laws were broken but misplaced trust is not a good feeling.

  • Dannie

    It’s shocking how this applies to my ex who left another girl to be with me, only to end up by himself because he’s a serial cheater. Everyone has the choice to be with who hey want to be with, so settling will only drive them to cheat. It’s like the saying, ‘if you love two people at the same time, go with the second one because if you truly loved the first one, you wouldn’t love another.’ But, I truly admire your writing and honest opinion. 🙂

  • Southern Poise

    I enjoyed your ‘real talk’. It brings perspective to those less fortunate enough to delve into the mind of a man and decipher the reasons they cheat. The interesting part is that, there are so many valid, and some odd reasons, that women will never understand. And I can appreciate them all from your angle, not to say they aren’t vexing, but thanks for sharing. I am very attentive, and will proceed with caution…

    But I believe there’s another important reason, not mentioned. A man doesn’t know how to trust his own heart, meaning, you don’t give your heart freely. Some men are so busy looking for the next booty; they don’t stop and take the time to really get to know a person or let a person really get to know you. And will only give up about 60%, that may be pushing it a bit. We have to kick, scream, and fight for the other 30%. Some of it is innate, men are taught not to share feelings, not to cry, have to be hard at all times, and have to be a playa playa. So it’s not easy to let down your guard and commit to one women, who might really be ‘the one’. Some women can show you who they are immediately, and you can tell she’s not ‘wifey’ material, or maybe you can’t tell, because you’re blinded by the booty. Because the ass is fat, and she’s appears to be in that 90% on appearance alone, men find themselves in a relationship with someone, and then realize, after the sex is old, that there’s something missing. And you repeat this until one day, you find the one, you are really feeling, and you have found ‘the one’, but she’s been heart broken so many times, she can’t see you for you. You’re just another man, who may ultimately do the same, so she’s not giving you that 90/10, she might be teetering on that 80/20, just barely. So now you gotta prove yourself worthy.

    But the realization is that no matter the reason, it is understood that men cheat. Like stated above, women have to know they’re own worth, and stop falling for any man that shows them a bit of attention. Once you know your worth, and exude qualities beyond the physical, then a man will too realize quality ass, comes with class, and you will not become just another statistic.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=542773171 Ricardo RudeBwoy Rhoden

    Wow, this post totally blew my mind. I must sadly admit, I’m a guy that cheats because of the reason “southern poise” said. As a male I was taught dont be soft, don’t open up, always put up a wall. So unfortunately all the women I’ve been with I only put in 40 or at most 50%! So when I finally met the girl I actually liked and who kept my attention she denied me. She felt like I was just like any other guy and how she couldn’t really trust me. I was hurt but couldn’t get upset because its us guys are the one to blame. So sadly that girl left me alone which made me become more bitter!

    Moral of the story: guys need to trust in there hearts and put that women first!

  • Malikah

    I luvvvv it!!! You are such an amazing writer. I’m addicted to your blog.

  • http://twitter.com/danni82 Danni

    Deeeeep. Good post. Love these insights into the male perspective.

    I have a question, though (as always). This lucky friend of yours, the one who’s found the woman who he’s so crazy about. The one you’re sooooo sure will never cheat because he’s so taken with the one he’s got. What happens when that feeling fades? I think we all know it will at some point. Relationships last a long ass time, and those dangerously-in-love emotions ebb and flow. What keeps him faithful then???

  • Sanchezmeli

    By far one of my favorite posts. This post kinda hit home for me because as a woman that has been cheated on her by her husband, I like to see that a man actually owns up to it. I had to walk away from the husband and it’s definitely the best choice I have ever made but till this day he kicks himself in the ass for it. Oh well…men and women should be aware of the damage that can be caused.

  • Kady

    Trying to find the perfect girl who you wont want to cheat on is like Chris Brown saying he needs to find the perfect girl who he wont want to beat up. Why deflect the blame to someone else, the better thing to do is to figure out why you’ve cheated on all those girls in the first place, and if its simply because they were in the 60th percentile and you had to go for the other 40%, then i would suggest never getting exclusive. How insulting to your ex’s Jozen! To claim you cheated because they weren’t perfect and captivating enough.
    There is no perfect woman, even Halle gets cheated on. Again i have to wonder what happens when your woman starts to age, or gains 50lbs while pregnant? This breakdown is just way too shallow for me.
    I mean is it too hard to say “I cheated because i just wanted to do me, and i expected my girl to stay because i think I’m the shit”.

    I’m not buying any of this, men who don’t cheat choose to be committed, its not because their woman has put then under a spell with their perfection. Plus in mine and my friends experience, men aren’t cheating with woman who have better bodies or better jobs, are better anything that I can see. Maybe if you made a point to say you were definetly cheating on the 70 percentile girl with the 85 percentile i might buy it, but i doubt that’s even the case.

  • BoomShots

    Cheating has fallen inline with a lot of other stupid/thoughtless things people do to and with each other nowadays. Stepping out on your relationships became not a matter of why but when. It is either “everybody does it” or “its not that big a deal”. In some cases it really is not that big a deal. Afterall if the partner does not think it is that big a deal who are we to judge. Sometimes the effects of cheating are relative.

    Afterall, publicly we are very tolerant of philanderers. No one is socially isolated or publicly humiliated after being exposed as a cheater anymore; if you are a celebrity you make take a few hits from the tabloids but it may actually enhance your profile. That mindset trickles down socially, I have seen it enough that privately people tolerate it more than their public stances would belie.

    I think we focus too much on the sex and not enough on the lying and betrayal. That is where the real hurt occurs. Because if you think about it deeply, it is that violation of your trust and the subsequent lying that really hurts. The fact that someone that you open your heart to would think so little of you as to not be considerate of how their behavior may impact you. How do you then go about trusting them in anything else.

  • Danigurl207

    Can we rename this post to “All she ever wanted was a man she wouldn’t cheat on?” There aren’t enough thoroughbreds out there. There’s just a bunch of nags and we women are left wondering why am I not cheating? Why aren’t there enough men out there that make us want to cook dinner for them and take care of them–do all those all womanly things that they say we’re supposed to be doing–instead of looking at the dude at the Home Depot thinking about what she’d like to do to him tonight. Kinda like that Old Spice commercial only it’s real life.

  • Violet

    “And if I’m doing it right, the woman I choose to put in front, will make me blind, deaf, and dumb to the women on the side.”

    No woman can do this. Faithfulness is an act of individual will, an extension of one’s character.

  • Anike Love

    Girlll, those Home Depot dudes! Wow…with all that sawdust and soil dirt on them, my gawd…gotta make sure you look RIGHT when you step in there lol.

  • http://twitter.com/caribbeanBleu Jinx The Chase

    Why do we still expect our significant others to make us blind, deaf and dumb to everyone else?

    Why?

    I ask because I find it unrealistic. I’m committed, and I remain aware of what I like in other men. Does that mean that because I do I’m bound to cheat? No, it certainly does not. My s/o isn’t going to find EVERYTHING in me; there are things I don’t possess that other women do.

    It starts with you being able to look at yourself, and know that you’ve set a precedent for not only you as a person, but as a person committed to someone else.

  • Patricia L.

    That’s a lot of pressure to put on your attraction to a woman. I’ve heard from just about every married couple I know–some insanely happy and some just commitedly married–that the feeling you described comes and goes at best or goes away all together. What’s left after that is only for mature, self-satisfied, disciplined adults to handle. After that, they decide to stay in love and to be happy doing it. They accept the challenges that require emotional maturity and growth, and it’s not always like what you describe. Some decide to cheat in those moments instead of mature.

  • http://blackpicket.com brownivyx

    I think you’re half right.

    You should definitely be with someone who captivates you so much that you can’t imagine being with anyone else, can’t imagine willfully hurting her so much or breaking the seal of the trust that you two share.

    However, at the end of the long haul, the onus is on *you* to be the kind of person who chooses not to do this to someone else, to willfully stay clear of situations in which you would even have to make that choice, and to examine and acknowledge that whatever the other 20% has will *never* be the same as what is right in front of you because, at the very best, you’d be starting all over again.

    Because I can guarantee you, you will always meet someone who is more beautiful, taller, has a more banging body, has an English accent, is smarter, or funnier, or can cook better than the one you’re with. But can she be all these things and love you or know you as well? And even if you were with Aphrodite herself, the level of attraction ebbs and flows throughout a relationship…especially during turbulent times. I choose to believe that relationships are not about trading up, but about being with someone who can and will see you at your worst and best moments and loves you the same all the way through. And no zero-sum equation or a percentile ranking can account for that.

  • me

    all the bachelors out there need to read this piece……

    i like the fact that this made me think about myself too and making me better for my mr!

    cool stuff

  • tech difficulty

    Anyone else having trouble with the podcast?

  • kS

    “I don’t judge the men, but it’s easy for me to say I don’t envy them.”
    i love the way you said this.

    “men..who are more than happy to be with a woman who let’s them do what they want, and therefore, they really, really do what they want.”
    i stay’d here, til i got here: “a man finds the woman of his dreams.”

    so if i could give myself advice back then, i woulda said they do exist. but it is on them. there’s not a whole lot a girl can do to make him stay. HE has to choose whether he wants to be the kind of man who does or not.

    i liked this post because it summed up my dating life and delved into the bewildering cheating issue and spelled out what i think is its best resolve.

  • Shaunnilb

    Precisely. It’s not the woman’s job to make her man “untouchable” to other women- yes, I as a girlfriend need to be doing my part and fulfilling my man to the best of my abilities and strive to go above and beyond, but it’s his job as a man to be the type of man who simply- won’t cheat. If you are that unsatisfied, get out before sticking your dick where it shouldn’t otherwise be. I always thought that it was an unwritten but implied part of being in a committed relationship that cheating won’t happen, and if it does, you have a real selfish and deceitful prick/prickess on your hands. On to the next one.

  • Na Na

    You are giving men too much credit honey. Ever heard a man say he’s going to stay unhappily married for the kids sake? Or that he will not take a promotion because he has to drop his niece off at school every morning and the new position won’t allow for that? NO! Women make personal concessions for the sake of others way more than men. so I agree that if a man can’t keep it home for whatever reason then don’t create a home. Just do you.