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She Cheated With Her Feelings

October 27th, 2010 Leave a comment Go to comments

What should he do with a past unfamiliar? Maybe let it go; let it be forgotten. Don’t go searching for it. But sometimes, he can’t help but wonder if it’s ever happened to him and if it has, who did it.

How naive would he be to believe no woman has ever cheated on him? He has not seen any evidence to the contrary, he knows of no time when it actually happened, save for that one night he wrote about a while back. But still, that was a flirtation with the idea at best, not the actual act. So it still has yet to hit him, the discovery of a physical act having taken place, but then again, maybe he should have been looking for another type of cheating.

He stopped believing he had what it takes to keep a woman faithful the day he realized to be unfaithful is a personal choice dictated by no one else but the devil on our shoulder. His selfish character is what guided him to make some bad decisions and he always wondered how could a man so selfish always end up with women who were nothing like that? How could he be so lucky?

Maybe he wasn’t. Maybe he was that aloof and clueless to pay attention to signs that it was happening to him all along and above all else, that is what really gets under his skin. How could he allow his head to go so far up in the clouds that he can’t even see what’s going on anymore? Why does he believe when she didn’t pick up the phone it was because she couldn’t hear it in the shower? He would tell her the same thing, wouldn’t he? Right after he left another woman’s bed.

Then again, he can’t think it has everything to do with his choice to not pay attention to signs something else was going on. Maybe it wasn’t naivety so much as it was trust. He trusted her to not do to him what he had done to her. He trusted her every move, her every word, her every act, to the point where he never asked those questions she would ask him. He did it to the point where he never searched through a phone (save for that one time) or searched through some email. He trusted her to the point where he never asked her trick questions about where she had been and where she was; to the point where he never brought up certain things she said when they did not line up with other things she said.

But maybe his biggest problem was how he defined what cheating was; the way he equated it with a physical act. All he ever cared about was whether or not a girlfriend of his slept with someone else. That was it. Was another man inside of her? Were her lips on his? How did he do and was he better than him?

These are the questions men ask if they ever find out a woman cheated on them, and they want the answers to them because their ego is a shell to protect a heart they don’t want broken. So a man asks all those questions or avoids them, all in the name of protecting an ego she helped him build up. After all, it was her who screamed his name every night, it was her who said he was the best, it was her who asked him for more. And he took all those words and used them as fuel for his ego, so to think she had said those words to someone else while she was dating him? Worst nightmare.

Unless, he sees something entirely different; a kind of cheating not expressed in the physical, but the emotional.

The goodbye was already awkward. Something about it didn’t feel right She felt distant and she hadn’t even gotten on the plane yet. When she finally did and landed at her destination. She never called him until the next day; she never returned his calls. She was acting the same way he was acting a couple of months ago, back when she asked him out of nowhere, “So are we good? You like me again?” How did she know, he thought.  It’s not that he liked her less, but he had been connecting with someone else, and as much as he tried to mask it, her question led him to believed he sucked at masking it. Now he was seeing what she saw.

She was acting in a similar fashion on this two-week business trip. He got so frustrated and anxious about the idea of her cheating, he had to ask her questions: Was another man inside of her? Were her lips on his? How did he do and was he better than him? He asked her all these questions about what she was doing with someone else and she swore to him she wasn’t doing anything of the sort. She swore and swore and begged and pleaded for him to believe her until he had to believe her. She wasn’t saying anyone else’s name. She wasn’t calling anyone else the best. She wasn’t asking anyone else for more.

He had to give up because he could hear her cry with the frustration of a person who wanted to be believed. So he stopped with such questions, decided to ask a different kind of question. “Well why do I get the feeling me and you aren’t what we used to be? I mean, is there someone else you’re feeling.” She was quiet and again, distant. Then she said she had to go. She had an early call time in the morning.

The next day they talked, and he skipped the formalities to ask her the question again. Was there someone else she was falling for? She said she didn’t know how she felt, and she was confused, but she did admit there was another person she was spending a lot of time with. And she wanted to reiterate to him that she wasn’t cheating, that she was resisting. He accepted that much, for whatever reason and waited until she came back home from her trip to sort everything out.

He didn’t see her until two days after she got back. He usually would have met her at the airport but decided against it this time. He didn’t want to make that goodbye between her and whoever this other guy was, awkward for himself to watch. When he and her finally did see each other, she said she needed space and all those other things people say to break up with someone without actually saying, “I want to break up.”

He knew what it was though. His girlfriend cheated on him. Maybe she didn’t say his name. Maybe she didn’t say he was the best, and she probably never asked for more. But she fell for someone else; she cheated with her feelings, and though his ego remained unscathed, the heart within it definitely got cracked.

——————————————————————————————

THE PROCESS

Jumped rope, in the rain, for 20 minutes. Need to find more sweet things to eat that aren’t filled with any sugar.

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  • lexy

    OMG I LOVE THIS POST!!!! GREAT JOB

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=8210335 Janet Dickerson

    Excellent post.

  • Tmcofield

    WOW Jozen that was really powerful and an interesting thought. I have done that myself and never came up with a good title for it but that is sooooo real. I wonder why men ask those questions before you get to that point? On one occasion I KNOW I got there from the constant drilling of the idea I didnt have yet. Good Post!!

  • Miss.Riss

    Emotional cheating is the worst, imo. There’s more to it. Its not just ok, ” I’m good, I’ll hit you up next time I’m in need “. It’s not just one or two time sex. Its more of a deep like and adoration of someone. Essentially, you are beginning a new relationship, while you’re still in one. Scary thought.

    I’ve done it, twice. Both times actually ended up with being in a relationship with the person I was ” cheating ” with. Oh well…

    I liked the writing style of this post. :)

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  • I.Mind

    Thought I’d go ahead and register my “hell yes!” to the post… great read. And to speak to the post in itself… whether she actually (physically) cheated or not, the fact that “he” is tormented (feeling guilty) about it is reward enough I’m sure #gottalovekarma.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=602376154 JC Cox

    This post touches home for me on both sides…Very well written.

  • Temitope123

    I was in a similar situation… Still dealing with the pain

  • Southern Poise

    WOW, very thought provoking. It does happen. Although, it’s not as easy for a woman to cheat as it is for a man. “Easy” meaning, we don’t do it on a whim, or everytime a chizzled chest walks past us….Like men and the big booty…. For men usually it’s USUALLY physical. Women are emotional cheaters. Women need a reason to cheat, men need opportunity.

    If we’re not getting our emotional needs filled along with any other issues that may play a small part, when theirs a man that sparks interest, we might bite…. It could be as ‘innocent’ as texting or emailing, not to condone any of this behavior, because if the shoe was on the other foot, we would definitely have a problem with it. But the fact is, a lot of the times, it’s the man’s behavior that drives a women to cheat, whether emotional or phyiscal. A real woman, who is truely in love with her man, will never take it to the extreme of the physical act, but if she’s pushed to where she’s not getting the attention she needs, she might not hold out for too long, especially if she feels that her man is already cheating on her. And we all know the tell tell signs. Like they say women’s intuition is a BIAATCH…..

    ****He’s not doing what he used to for you
    **** and when you ask him he has a problem with
    **** He doesn’t make time.
    **** But he’s hanging out more with his “boys”..ie (New booty)
    **** He’s not trying to have sex with you.
    **** and when you do have sex, it’s quick and with no real emotions
    **** He doesn’t call as much or answer your calls, suddenly goes to voicemail
    **** He makes excuses (lame ass**see right through them)

    And there may be tell tell signs that women are cheating (not given up the goods, that goes against the ‘women cheat sometimes’ code book)… but men are too busy cheating or not taking our emotional complaints seriously to even see them.

  • Court

    I love this! It was sad, emotional cheating seems to sting as bad as the physical, maybe even more. You’re a great writer, Jozen.

  • Islandgirl145

    What if you reassure his ego that you didnt cheat and that you pleaded as much as you could to be believed? What do you do when he refuses to believe you and believes what others have said?…Do you let him go even though your heart is yearning for him still?

  • http://alovelydai.blogspot.com Alovelydai

    Men are known to cheat more but women are better at it.

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/2FXR3MIN4X7L4RZG2O7Q7LRGHI Scarlett D

    I like the new style and the look inside “his” head…enjoyed the post.

  • BoomShots

    You know we are so fixated on the sexual act that we seemingly fail to understand that cheating in a relationship is about dishonesty and not sex. When people are dishonest in a relationship they will no doubt damage their partners trust. For some reason we seem to elevate sexual infidelity as the penultimate act of betrayal. I would disagree because I have had the occasion to be seriously lied to by women with whom I have been in relationships and sex was never a part of their lying. I equate those violation of my trust just as damaging as if those women had cheated sexually.

    I refuse to get caught up in that sexual infidelity game of gotcha because the truth is relationships are about trust and whenever one party violate that trust it will indelibly mark that relationship. I get the idea that people are more revolted by the stigma of it being known or possibly known that they were cheated on. For many men it would affect their ego and growingly for women its about not being one of those women who tolerate cheating.

    I don’t know if any of my exes ever physically cheated on me and since its all now in the past, I really don’t care. I find relationships enough of challenge that having an added responsibility of policng that other person’s sexual behavior is not a job I desire. What I have learned is that feelings in a relationship will ebb and flow the longer that relationship last. You or your partner may at some ebb point find someone else more appealing how you deal with that determines how much you want to continue to maintain that relationship. It is not always a physical act, sometimes it is an emotional act of cheating.

  • Esquin

    Good post and makes me realize that emotional cheating (which I agree is the worst), affects both men and women the same. Physically cheating on someone else, once/twice/maybe three times doesn’t feel as bad because you can say, oh well it was just f*&$….but emotional, it’s like that person now has a deeper connection with you. Not to say that having sex doesn’t build a connection, some may even say invisible soul ties, but emotional… that’s deep.

    Line that resonated with mer…”His selfish character is what guided him to make some bad decisions and he always wondered how could a man so selfish always end up with women who were nothing like that?”

  • recent reader

    Is it easier to recover from a broken ego for a cracked heart?

    Whats worse…the physical or emotional cheating?

  • understood

    tis true. feelings are a far more intimate form of cheating…

  • Top 5

    Men Cheat Physically — Women Cheat mentally…

  • Sanchezmeli

    Great Post Jozen and I’ll have to agree with you Southern Poise, a million and one times on this.

    Your reply is so on point with it. I swear those were all the questions I asked my ex-husband before I caught him doing the dirt with someone else. My intuition was so right on but even after all those questioning, I couldn’t put myself in that position and cheat on my husband.

  • Nadira Rae

    It’s ironic how men usually put so much emphasis on when a woman physically cheats, yet the emotional indescretions (if applicable) are the ones they REALLY need to be worried about. The most difficult aspect of cheating (emotional or physical) deal with is the betrayal. You trusted someone and they basically shitted on you…that’s the toughest pill to swallow, because trust is such a fragile thing…it can be shattered in an instant. Good post.

  • B.Walk

    ha! yesterday everybody was mad at you; today everybody loves you!

  • NicEShock

    I like the new style of writing, had me hooked on every word. It felt as if I were reading a book as oppose to a blog entry. Keep them coming!

  • TRUTH

    MENTAL STIMULATION leads to PENETRATION!

  • Anike Love

    Totalmente profundo…

  • Southern Poise

    Thank you. We women know, when know, what we know… And as much as we know what we know(I know, redundant right?) lol, it’s to hard to do the same thing to them because we still love them ( dammit why must we have emotions) lol

  • Southern Poise

    If you know in your heart you have not done anything to lead him to believe you cheated, and you’re reaasured him, then he must find it in his heart to believe you unless he catches you red headed.

    If he refuses to believe you, then he has trust issues. If he has trust issues, then that’s something you can’t change. That has to do with insecurites. You will always have issues within the relationship if he can’t get that under control. So it’s up to you or him to make a decision.

    Does he stay with someone he thinks is cheating on him? or do you leave for your sanity sake? Because it can only get worse if there’s no trust.

  • http://twitter.com/thefabfoodie Qiana McKoy

    This post was so on point. I truly believe that a mental/emotional affair is much deeper and more intimate for a woman than just sex. I’ve been in a “emotional affair” situation, and it’s rough on everyone involved. With sex, the feeling is fleeting, but with an emotional connection, that feeling never goes away. I recently saw the object of my emotional affair, and 10 years later, those feelings are still there, although we’ve both moved on and found new relationships.
    Great post Jozen! Oh, and a tip for finding “sweets without the sugar”: don’t try and cut the sugar out completely – your body will crave it. Gradually wean off of sugar. If you want something sweet, go ahead and eat it. If you continue to hold out, you’ll overindulge if you give in to the craving. Changing your diet has to be a marathon, not a sprint. Good luck!

  • Kady

    This post…*heavy sigh*…Life…

  • Nynos81

    this post has so much soul and is so rich with emotion. Good Job Jozen, another gem

  • http://twitter.com/jermel_lynn Jermel-Lynn Quillopo

    I love it!!! :)

  • leressa

    wow!!! great post Jozen. I really enjoyed seeing things from a mans perspective.

  • wahoo4uva

    From the tone, I’d argue the ego didn’t go unscathed even if the cheating was not physical. Ego just didn’t want to admit it was scathed. Both ego and heart were definitely cracked.

  • my10cents

    It doesn’t matter whether it’s emotional or physical cheating…it’s cheating. A woman is just as traumatized by her husband/boyfriend cheating physically as she’d be if he did it emotionally. And I’m pretty sure he would be just as traumatized if she cheated in one of those ways. I am quite surprised by the hypocrisy of a man that cheats and then is upset when he thinks his partner may be cheating. If people would put themselves in their partner’s place and think of their feelings instead of being selfish by only focusing on their own immediate needs, fewer people would cheat. Stop assuming that you won’t get caught. In fact, you may never get caught but you still broke that bond once you cheated. You act and think differently.

    You should think about what are you giving up in the long run for this short-term pleasure. I’m sure the recklessness would be significantly decreased if you lived your life as if your partner is right next to you. If you have to hide or you would be uncomfortable doing something, you probably shouldn’t do it…so don’t. We’re all adults here, communicate and exercise some self-control.

  • Anonymous

    Great post, and it rings true for a lot of relationships.