She Cheated With Her Feelings
What should he do with a past unfamiliar? Maybe let it go; let it be forgotten. Don’t go searching for it. But sometimes, he can’t help but wonder if it’s ever happened to him and if it has, who did it.
How naive would he be to believe no woman has ever cheated on him? He has not seen any evidence to the contrary, he knows of no time when it actually happened, save for that one night he wrote about a while back. But still, that was a flirtation with the idea at best, not the actual act. So it still has yet to hit him, the discovery of a physical act having taken place, but then again, maybe he should have been looking for another type of cheating.
He stopped believing he had what it takes to keep a woman faithful the day he realized to be unfaithful is a personal choice dictated by no one else but the devil on our shoulder. His selfish character is what guided him to make some bad decisions and he always wondered how could a man so selfish always end up with women who were nothing like that? How could he be so lucky?
Maybe he wasn’t. Maybe he was that aloof and clueless to pay attention to signs that it was happening to him all along and above all else, that is what really gets under his skin. How could he allow his head to go so far up in the clouds that he can’t even see what’s going on anymore? Why does he believe when she didn’t pick up the phone it was because she couldn’t hear it in the shower? He would tell her the same thing, wouldn’t he? Right after he left another woman’s bed.
Then again, he can’t think it has everything to do with his choice to not pay attention to signs something else was going on. Maybe it wasn’t naivety so much as it was trust. He trusted her to not do to him what he had done to her. He trusted her every move, her every word, her every act, to the point where he never asked those questions she would ask him. He did it to the point where he never searched through a phone (save for that one time) or searched through some email. He trusted her to the point where he never asked her trick questions about where she had been and where she was; to the point where he never brought up certain things she said when they did not line up with other things she said.
But maybe his biggest problem was how he defined what cheating was; the way he equated it with a physical act. All he ever cared about was whether or not a girlfriend of his slept with someone else. That was it. Was another man inside of her? Were her lips on his? How did he do and was he better than him?
These are the questions men ask if they ever find out a woman cheated on them, and they want the answers to them because their ego is a shell to protect a heart they don’t want broken. So a man asks all those questions or avoids them, all in the name of protecting an ego she helped him build up. After all, it was her who screamed his name every night, it was her who said he was the best, it was her who asked him for more. And he took all those words and used them as fuel for his ego, so to think she had said those words to someone else while she was dating him? Worst nightmare.
Unless, he sees something entirely different; a kind of cheating not expressed in the physical, but the emotional.
The goodbye was already awkward. Something about it didn’t feel right She felt distant and she hadn’t even gotten on the plane yet. When she finally did and landed at her destination. She never called him until the next day; she never returned his calls. She was acting the same way he was acting a couple of months ago, back when she asked him out of nowhere, “So are we good? You like me again?” How did she know, he thought. It’s not that he liked her less, but he had been connecting with someone else, and as much as he tried to mask it, her question led him to believed he sucked at masking it. Now he was seeing what she saw.
She was acting in a similar fashion on this two-week business trip. He got so frustrated and anxious about the idea of her cheating, he had to ask her questions: Was another man inside of her? Were her lips on his? How did he do and was he better than him? He asked her all these questions about what she was doing with someone else and she swore to him she wasn’t doing anything of the sort. She swore and swore and begged and pleaded for him to believe her until he had to believe her. She wasn’t saying anyone else’s name. She wasn’t calling anyone else the best. She wasn’t asking anyone else for more.
He had to give up because he could hear her cry with the frustration of a person who wanted to be believed. So he stopped with such questions, decided to ask a different kind of question. “Well why do I get the feeling me and you aren’t what we used to be? I mean, is there someone else you’re feeling.” She was quiet and again, distant. Then she said she had to go. She had an early call time in the morning.
The next day they talked, and he skipped the formalities to ask her the question again. Was there someone else she was falling for? She said she didn’t know how she felt, and she was confused, but she did admit there was another person she was spending a lot of time with. And she wanted to reiterate to him that she wasn’t cheating, that she was resisting. He accepted that much, for whatever reason and waited until she came back home from her trip to sort everything out.
He didn’t see her until two days after she got back. He usually would have met her at the airport but decided against it this time. He didn’t want to make that goodbye between her and whoever this other guy was, awkward for himself to watch. When he and her finally did see each other, she said she needed space and all those other things people say to break up with someone without actually saying, “I want to break up.”
He knew what it was though. His girlfriend cheated on him. Maybe she didn’t say his name. Maybe she didn’t say he was the best, and she probably never asked for more. But she fell for someone else; she cheated with her feelings, and though his ego remained unscathed, the heart within it definitely got cracked.
Jumped rope, in the rain, for 20 minutes. Need to find more sweet things to eat that aren’t filled with any sugar.
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