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Once A Cheater…Always A Guy Who May Get It Right The Next Time

October 28th, 2010 Leave a comment Go to comments

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I’m different than most guys.

I have this whole blog where I confess to a lot of my mistakes I made in the past. As a matter of fact, I think I write more about how bad of a boyfriend I was more than I write about how good of a boyfriend I was, even though all of my exes would probably say I’m not as bad as I make myself out to be.  Call it accountability, call it humility, or call it something else, but I’m more than aware of the fact that the reason my blog stands out is because not too many men are going to say they have done things I have done.

The reason why? Some men would much rather learn the lessons of their past ways on their own than deal with a woman in the present who discredits him for what he did to someone else. We made a mistake and the last thing we want a woman to tell us is if we made it once, we’re bound to make it again.

Women have definitely said it to me when I told them I cheated in the past. They said once a cheater always a cheater. Were some of them right? Yes. Were some of them wrong? Yes. So now that we know it’s not entirely some self-fulfilling prophecy, what to make of a man’s past?

Well, I for one would certainly start with suggesting no person should hold a person’s past against them. More importantly, don’t grill them on why they made certain decisions long before the present day. While I definitely think asking me questions about a past is legitimate, I fully expect the answers to not be held against me in the future.

The person who has made mistakes in their past is more comforting than the person who has never made any. Call me crazy, but if I had to take a chance on a girl who has never cheated and a girl who has, I would definitely pick the one who has. It’s not that I prefer my girls flawed, but I don’t believe in perfection, or at least, perfection for a lifetime. Give me the woman who knows what it’s like to do something she shouldn’t have done and has learned from her actions, over the woman who (allegedly!) has never made a mistake in her past relationships.

Besides, if I’m being completely honest, I probably wouldn’t believe the woman who claims to have done no wrong. The idea of a single woman who has never made a mistake, whether caught or unknown to the men in her past, is something like Santa Claus to me. I know it sounds like the words of someone who is cynical, but why should I believe anything different because she says so? Please. Too many women do not extend the same benefit of the doubt to men.

Skepticism is understood, but distrust and pessimism is a deal breaker. If I wanted to be with a woman who didn’t trust me I would have stayed with the girls whose trust I violated. I also certainly don’t want to be with a woman who feels as though I’m some special project she can take on; to treat me like a man who has a problem and sees herself as a solution. Such behavior is right up there with the women who believe I won’t change at all. I have learned from my mistakes on my own, and the reason I would want to be in a relationship again is because I’m ready to apply what I have learned and be better than I used to be.

I don’t need a girlfriend to be my boyfriend tutor. I need a girlfriend to respect me as her boyfriend and recognize that in spite of my past, I’m someone different. Do not mistake my ability to talk openly about past mistakes as a nonchalant attitude towards those mistakes. It’s like men who have been to jail and why they can talk so openly about what they did to land there, because they got caught and they learned. Just because I know I’m capable of cheating doesn’t mean I want to do it.

A lot of women will say not all men cheat, but where are the women who meet a man who cheats and believes not all men stay the same and make the same mistakes? We shouldn’t forget before history repeats itself, it has to be made.


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  • Procrastigirl

    I’d just like to say I’m a girl who has never cheated. Which is not to say the thought never crossed my mind, but I never acted on the impulse, you can choose not to believe it, that doesn’t bother me. But just because I haven’t cheated doesn’t mean I haven’t made mistakes that have hurt the men I’ve loved. Not cheating doesn’t make me perfect, or better than the woman who has, it doesn’t make me anything. I just don’t think it’s very fair to hold not cheating against me if you won’t hold cheating agains the woman who has.

  • Common diatribes

    Another self-indulged, irrelevant post.

  • LMariePayne

    Excellent post!

  • Southern Poise

    “where are the women who meet a man who cheats and believes not all men stay the same and make the same mistakes? ”

    RIGHT HERE>>> Southern Poise

    Honesty, I wouldn’t put it passed a man, but I wouldn’t passed a woman either. It happens. My last and best relationship ever, lasted 3 years. (I know you’re probably saying why aren’t you together then), because he cheated…

    It was the most open and ‘honest'(I use that loosely) relationship I had with a man. We used to have these sessions, in the beginning of the relationshp where we would tell our “past” stories, from old girlfriend/boyfriends to sexual escapades to cheating and with whom, I’m talking both sides. That was one of the reasons we got along so well, we were able to talk about anything. And even after hearing that he slept with his ex-girlfriend’s mother figure( where they do dat at?), someone she was staying with, I still thought, ok just cause he did that to her doesn’t mean he’s going to do it to you.

    And I wasn’t trying to be ‘Miss Project Manager’ (ref to special project ) either. But I honestly believe in most cases, you can take someone’s past for what it, and start fresh. If you don’t except their past and move forward, why even be in the relationship if you think it’s going to happen to you. Not to say it can’t.. But trusting that just because they were a ‘serial cheater’ before they met you, doesn’t necessarily mean you’re their next victim.

    Although my relationship was the best overall, in my case, in the end, he did cheat…. C’est la vie… on to the Next one… STILL with an open mind.

  • La’Toya M. Taylor

    This is great because I have been plagued by the question once a cheater always a cheater & if I believe that in my mind for the past few weeks being that my boyfriend cheated with an ex a few months ago & we have been working it out. The biggest factor in my forgiving him has been a play on my emotions & mind & I am not sure if that is because I am pregnant or the fact that I gave up my world & moved into his…This was a much needed read & I will bookmark & follow your blog as this was an excellent read & piece of mind for me…Thank You

  • Miss. Riss

    I coulda sworn you were the perosn who said people shouldn’t say ” I’m different from most __ ” or ” I’m not like other ____ “.

  • Kae-Toya

    there is a higher possibility that he will cheat again though.

  • Malia

    People who do things, that they can’t quite reconcile, find comfort in others who have done the same, so that they won’t be judged. I find it hard to believe you wouldn’t believe someone who didn’t cheat, but rather, you would rather they have just as much of a past as you, so they can’t hold you to a higher standard than someone who has never cheated.

  • half a hero

    and here it is and I thought it was me!

  • Noble Woods

    Great post man…

    As men we both know that a lot of women wont understand why you’re so comfortable talking about cheating in the past. They’ll try to crucify you and ask you “WHY? WHY? WHY?” did you do it as if they’ve never gotten a bad grade on a test, fell of a bike, or cursed. They’re all mistakes and they happen in life. You get that and many people have such deep levels of self deception that they cant be honest enough to admit that they’re just as flawed and imperfect as the next person.

    Cheating is the final physical expression of something that happened internally and a long time before the act. You can tell how mature someone is if you ask them their views on cheating and forgiveness and the area in between. Once you’ve cheated or been cheated on and forgave or received forgiveness you do learn an immenslely powerful lesson. You learn that pain is a part of love and when you say you love someone you better know that you are positioning yourself to see them at their worst as well as their best. You learn how to survive relationally because pain is a part of life and you can NEVER guarantee that your mate wont cheat. How you will deal with it if it happens is more important then hoping it doesn’t happen. I’ve been on both sides but I know I’m a better man for the experiences and lessons learned.

    And when men cheat its actually not as bad as when women do it….this usually set women off but its true. Typically when a woman cheats the new guy ends up being her new man and it was an emotional/heart cheating before it was physical. She was already gone. When men cheat its usually physical and not a heart move. Of course its still deeply painful and bad but the side chick usually is not the new woman. There no intent to actually leave your woman. He probably just didnt articulate what he was feeling and perhaps what he needed more of from his woman. And that takes us back to the “perfect” theory. Some women dont seem to realize that they’re not as perfect as a gf as they imagine. How do you really have no idea that it was coming? Are women that aloof in relationships to not feel,assess, or know that something is off with themselves and their partner? I knew when my girl was at the point of cheating. It made it easier to forgive her to be honest. I knew my part to her being open to another mans touch, time, words, service, or gifts. And lets be real here…most men dont wake up and decide to cheat just to do something different. We dont say, “hmm..I think I’ll cheat today…spice it up a lil bit!” We dont.

    I just hope ladies reading your blog are learning something man. Most probably arent…they think they know how men function…if that was true they probably wouldnt have any issues with their own guy and wouldn’t be reading blogs about relationships. lol

  • Top 5

    Cheating isn’t the end all be all… To me there are other things that are worse.

  • Anonymous

    I’m a woman, which means I may be lonesome in this regard – but I actually agree with Noble Woods’ comment here. As someone who struggled to forgive my partner in the aftermath of his “transgression,” I have to admit that doing so made me (and us) so much stronger. Realizing that forgiveness is just as important in a relationship as love is probably one of the greatest life-lessons I’ve learned. Of course, forgiveness didn’t come easy – and not without making him move all his sh*t out and live at his parents for a while (which I’m sure was enough to make him regret his mistake). But how realistic was I to believe that a perfect relationship would stay that way – or was even anywhere near perfect to begin with? And at the risk of sounding like I have battered victim syndrome – I was also able to take a step back and realize that, although I definitely didn’t deserve what happened, he’d been trying to tell me for a long time that which I was either unwilling or unable to hear.

    Now I look at the period before it all went down and see how our relationship was very much still in the gestation stage. Just as a baby never comes out fully formed, we can’t expect our relationships to end up where they began. They’re born and, with support, love and patience, eventually learn how to crawl, walk, and then run. And as adults we have to accept that this process will never go smoothly – and just try to enjoy the bumpy ride however we can.

  • D Tunis

    Great response. I agree with you totally being the girlfriend who never realized how imperfect I was. The entire process really and truly is a lesson learned. ANd once a cheater you are most certainly not always a cheater.