Home > guys, women > Before Her, There Were Other Fine Women

Before Her, There Were Other Fine Women

November 3rd, 2010 Leave a comment Go to comments

One of the worst arguments I ever got into with an ex-girlfriend of mine was over another girl I said was cute. My ex swore up and down she had the face of a horse, I thought she had the a** of a horse and her face was fine. But our disagreement wasn’t so much about how pretty this girl was or wasn’t.

What really got me fired up and took our argument to near break up levels was when she tried to use my opinion of this one girl we clearly disagreed on and use it as ammo to say something about the girlfriends who came before her. She said, “Well, I would really hate to see what type of girls you dated before me.”

I. Went. Off.

What is it about a woman’s ego that makes her believe before she came along her man’s standards were below average? Better question: Why do women believe their taste in other women is better than a man’s when we all know good and well it isn’t.

I understand some men have acquired tastes, but women, their taste is all types of off. The best proof I have of this is the way women love to say how cute their friends are knowing good and well a large portion of them are far from it.

They’re not.

If they were, a man wouldn’t have cannibalized his own opportunities at getting with them by focusing on his main girl.

I have been with women who I know are legitimately  beautiful only to be told by a couple of my female friends, “She’s cute.” Then when I ask them to explain, they repeat what they said and follow it up with a smile, as if that’s further affirmation. One thing I have learned overtime is if a woman says the woman I’m with is cute, that means she is at least in the 85 percentile. Some girls say Beyoncé is cute, then turnaround and say her friend Becca is gorgeous. Well, I have seen a lot of Becca’s. I haven’t seen a lot of Beyonce’s.

Men don’t do these things. As a matter of fact, the number one reason why a lot of men get jealous when their ex-woman moves on with a new man is because they automatically think their ex-woman got an upgrade. The man scorned can be 6’8 and still, the minute he finds out his old woman has found a new man, he thinks she’s moved on with someone who is 6’10. If he’s the type of guy who hits the gym seven days a week, he thinks his woman has moved on with a guy who goes to the gym eight times a week. It’s not that he has low self-esteem. He’s just humbled.

Women are never humbled because they can never admit their man was the man before he started dating her and there are other girls who at the very least are as cute as her. Even Tyra Banks has a lookalike who is working at a McDonald’s drive through. Further proving God is a man, but I digress..

If I tell a woman she’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever been with, it does not mean the rest of the women I’ve been with were floating around the 60th percentile, looking all average. Women who think they’re the best thing to ever happen to a man need to understand there were still plenty of good things with good women that happened before them. Stop thinking a man’s scale goes up and down. For some men, it goes side to side; they go from one fine woman to the next fine woman to the next fine woman.

When are women going to understand their man didn’t magically wake up one day and get an upgrade in taste? He’s always had good taste, that’s why he’s with her.

——————————————————————————————

The Process: One of the ways I’m furthering my growth, is via my career, which means, making some changes to this site. Tomorrow, I’m going to do something new here, and I hope you all enjoy it.

The ELEVENTH Edition of the Poppin’ Questions Podcast is now up! BRAND NEW EPISODE! Click here to listen

Categories: guys, women Tags:
  • Kae-Toya

    There are beautiful women everywhere, just because she is your gf doesn’t mean that other women are not attractive.

  • Julciasan

    “Further proving God is a man” is going to get you in a lot of trouble, but it put a smile on my face. You do have a point.. :)

  • Kae-Toya

    I agree with the side to side comment, a man who has his own values looks for someone who shares similar values. I believe the reason most woman behave like that is because they are not fulfilled, they haven’t done they things they wanted to do, truly lived the life they have wanted to live. So they compensate in other ways, I am beautiful, but I have complimented women strangers on the street. They looked nice.

  • http://twitter.com/TraBoogie Tracy Joseph

    It’s not that women think that their man didn’t have good taste until them. It’s that some women hate to admit that other women are beautiful, particularly her man’s ex-girlfriend. Some women don’t feel comfortable admitting that her man’s ex is pretty/gorgeous/fine/etc. because, in her mind, if even SHE can admit that his ex is pretty, it will make her man wonder why the hell he isn’t still with her. This reasoning may be illogical, but that’s how women roll. Men and women both play the comparison game, but the reality is that there will always be someone prettier, taller, more handsome, finer, etc. You know have to be confident with yourself and know that there is a reason why your man is with YOU now.

  • Alice Everleigh

    Unless the person you are currently with is a horrible human being and supremely bad for you, then it stands to reason that they help you grow as a person. I say that because we grow from every new person, experience and relationship in our lives. That may be why (just going out on a limb) why we women feel that you have made an upgrade with us. Dating can be compared to a career in that way….you never want to go backward. With every new job you hope to be getting paid more or have a higher post or gain more knowledge. Similarly, with every new woman you are with the idea is that they are better in some way than the last; either prettier, or nicer or more attentive or what have you. The bottom line is with each relationship we learn more about what we don’t want or don’t like and we apply that to the next relationship thereby upgrading in a sense. If we didn’t upgrade then we could just be with our first boyfriends forever. At the end of the day we hope we add to our current boyfriends life as well but we know that if he isn’t “the one” then we just made the next woman’s job a whole lot easier…which always stings a little.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=76600259 Kevin Warmack

    Dope Post!

  • Jacks

    Alrighty a whole post about that….? I actually point out girls to my boyfriend whether it be, body, face or hair that compliments a woman. Since I do these things his boys think I am somewhat lesbian. Which I don’t understand men and woman are going to look at the opposite sex. Now if I see a sexy man, the insecurities race through his mind. I have been with men who swear they are the best thing ever and everyone is a downgrade. I have been with men who think the my taste in extra tall men is crazy doesn’t make logically sense if you grow old with them. Nothing is wrong with 6’0 like him, a perfect height for a man in his opinion. I find men tend to focus on certain things and each one in the past has had that feature. You like pretty faces therefore pretty faces draw your attention. I have a male friend who love ass and face is average. I expect every girl he is with to have a big ass. Every woman to be fine for every men I would disagree. Every man has their feature that drives them wild.

  • Pinkflame1983

    “I’ve seen a lot of Beccas, but not a lot of Beyonces.” LMAO! I’m not a Beyonce or a Becca. I’ve never had the problem you speak of, if my man’s ex’s are hot and fly. I’m like damn he got some good taste, “I must be in this league of extraordinary ladies.” I’m most def an upgrade but I like to know I’m in good company.

  • CourtyJ

    Ooooh. Love this post. So… can I respond? Since that was rhetorical… let me get to it.

    “What is it about a woman’s ego that makes her believe before she came along her man’s standards were below average? Better question: Why do women believe their taste in other women is better than a man’s when we all know good and well it isn’t.”

    -I can’t say it’s entirely about ego that makes us believe that. Some of it is pure necessity so that we can move forward and grow with you. When you are in a relationship with someone, everyone else who came before (on both sides) should lose value and attraction. Because if he/she were better than you/me, we’d still be with them. And if we are no longer with the one before because one of us screwed up, neither of us can ever admit that is the only reason why, because then OUR relationship loses value. Neither one of our egos can handle being less than the right one for each other, the better one.

    -Women’s taste in other women IS better than men. Men base their initial attraction on physical alone. Woman judge other women on more than just physical, even when they take their first glance. Sure, we see her face, shape, clothing and hair. Then we assess her again all of it based on location. If she’s at a picnic with a freakum dress on, even if she looks good, she’s just “cute”. Why? Because she’s doing too much for the occasion which immediately leads us to believe she has self-esteem issues. If she has weave that’s obvious, she has poor taste, if she has a frown on, she’s a “b*tch” or appears “unapproachable” and that’s a turn off. I could continue but you get the point. When you add all that up, it makes her less attractive. Women are much more intuitive and thoughtful than men and because of it that assessment took us less than a minute. On that alone, we are better judge and therefore our taste is better.

    “Women are never humbled because they can never admit their man was the man before he started dating her and there are other girls who at the very least are as cute as her.”

    -We are humbled when we were the one’s who messed up. Not to be funny but, most of the time… we didn’t mess up. He did. So why should we think less of ourselves?

    -Yeah, he was the man… on the surface. After knowing him for a while though, she knows his good, bad & ugly is. He’s not “the man” anymore, he’s “her man” (which by the way is a much higher accolade). And that’s fine. That’s what she wants. I think men fail to realize the majority of feelings a woman has for him she developed, nurtured, and built up with the value she GAVE him in her life. She holds him at a much higher esteem than he probably deserves because she cares for him. He’s 10x more attractive, special and important because of it. It’s how we make the man in our life stand out from any other guy. A man can be great on his own, but his greatness doesn’t matter to us until we give it value.

    And the last part: “When are women going to understand their man didn’t magically wake up one day and get an upgrade in taste? He’s always had good taste, that’s why he’s with her.”

    -Whether his taste in women upgraded or not is irrelevant. What matters is his maturity. His growth. His experiences have made him better, more knowledgeable. He has a better idea of who he is and what he wants. He chose her NOW when he’s a better man than he’s ever been before. Any other woman before her got a lesser version of him and was held to lesser standards, which means we truly are better than her. We count on that. And if that’s egotistical fine. But it’s also TRUE.

    😉

  • http://twitter.com/kindasweetish Aisha

    Haha “she’s cute…” laughed at that hard! I’ve said that and had that said about me and I know all tell well it means “she ain’t that hot” lol.

  • http://musicmakesmehigh.wordpress.com/ Reecie

    this was a good post. Funny stuff about women not being able to rate their friends. I think there are other things that attract folks to previous SO’s so it may not be looks alone, but I wouldn’t assume my SO had all ugly girlfriends before me or after me for that matter. I agreed with your point about having good taste in general, which is why they are with you. People need to just stop being so insecure and petty. Someone else being a stunner doesn’t or shouldn’t take away from your shine…

  • Pingback: Tweets that mention Until I Get Married » Before Her, There Were Other Fine Women -- Topsy.com()

  • A Diva State of Mind

    “When are women going to understand their man didn’t magically wake up one day and get an upgrade in taste? He’s always had good taste, that’s why he’s with her”

    Excellent point. I think some women are insecure so not admitting that their bf ex-girlfriend is pretty makes them feel less insecure about themselves. Women need to realize, if their bf wasn’t attracted to you, he wouldn’t be with you.

  • BoomShots

    I think you should always leave women to their illusions that they are the best thing that ever happened to you. I will even reinforce that and say they are the best thing that ever happened to me because how can I lose.
    Am I the most beautiful?
    Yes baby, sometimes I wonder how I got so lucky.
    Am I the best in bed?
    Before you, I did not know sex could be like that…
    On some levels it might be true or it might not be but the truth is if I make her feel better there is great chances she will make me feel better. Win Win!!

    The nature of most women is to be competitive with each other. I don’t know why but leveraging that innate competitively for my benefit is a choice I will always take. I use to want to be ablee to figure out how women minds work but its ways too complicated and I am aging.
    Show me a man who claims he understands women or how they think and I can show you a fool!!

  • Southern Poise

    Yes women do size up the Ex along with any other woman that may be in close proximity to our man. But it’s because we know men are visual creatures. You’re automatically drawn first to the physical then go from there. Not to say women don’t go for the physical, it’s just common knowledge we ultimately go off the metnal. Like “they” say,(who the hell are they?), women don’t dress for men, they dress for other women. Not that I ever thought about it that way.

    But, we like to think we’re the flyest women in the room so that we hold all the attention, if we are looking for attention. So when there’s a another woman in the mist, we do at at times automatically go to her looks, cause we know that’s the same thing a man does. We size her up. Now I can admit and compliment when a woman is cute/beautiful. And I might even say to myself if a man had his choice if going off looks alone, then he might go for her. Although I don’t in any way consider myself unattractive.

    However if you are a woman and can’t take your man complimenting another woman while he’s with you, then that is clearly a sign of insecurity. I was with a “potential” mate not too long ago, and we were out, and he mentioned some girls, something, can’t remember. But he said something to the effect of how cute she was. I think it was her outfit. But anywho, she was a cute girl, and I was kinda like hmmmm… but didn’t really think too much about it. I don’t think I would have felt any different if he were my man. I’ve had it happen even with someone I was in a relationship with. But if the man is doing it much too often, then that might be a tad disrespectful and a possible sign of ‘not happy with what he got’.

    But bottom line, women should be able to respect that their man may have been with someone before you that to him may have been beautiful at the time, and maybe he has made a come up with you. But it aint always about looks. So pretty much, just cause you might have it gone on, on the outside, don’t mean he can’t leave you for a less attractive person, cause your head and right.

    So don’t be JELLY…

  • http://twitter.com/streetztalk Streetz

    Tabernacle my G tabernacle! Men keep it real, women lowball stats… on some ‘whats on the inside that counts” swindle

  • Southern Poise

    I agree with everything you just said Court!!! Hit the nail right on the head.

    ESPECIALLY:

    “He chose her NOW when he’s a better man than he’s ever been before. Any other woman before her got a lesser version of him and was held to lesser standards, which means we truly are better than her. We count on that. And if that’s egotistical fine. But it’s also TRUE.”

    This couldn’t have been better said…..It’s not that we make him better. But he’s better WITH us. We are better people together. Same as I’d like say about myself. If I’m with you, hopefully I have grown enough to know what I want and what’s not good for me. So if I’m with you, then it’s safe to say that you are better for me than the last. So I’m better for you. Or so I would hope.

  • http://twitter.com/caribbeanBleu Jinx The Chase

    I like to see pics of ex-girlfriends, just to see what he was into at one time, or even what he’s still into. For example, most of the time the men I’ve dated have had ex-girlfriends that had dark skin, like I do. Doesn’t mean we’ve looked anything alike facially, or body-wise, but it’s been a common theme.

    I’m not delusional, so I can concede when another woman is better-looking than I am. Do I allow it to take a hit on my self-esteem? As motivation, yes. As a downer? Never.

    And the important thing is that he himself sees me as an upgrade; he’s the one who’s with me, and was with her. Only he knows what direction he’s taken in terms of choosing.

  • http://thegoyslife.com/thegoysgirlwonder AGNG

    -_- you HAVE seen alot of beyonce’s what exxagerates her beauty is her fame. There are very few beautiful women out there, and alot of pretty ones. “Beautiful” is handed out too easily.

    There is an energy that accompanies a beautiful person, you don’t just see it you feel it.

    Yet many have come to base beauty on media standards.

    You are also really foolish to generalize “women” tastes, as if all women have the same taste in women, and so do men.

    Poor, damned near pointless post.

  • Re-Ce

    ok so you dont make no since everybody has different taste period! So are you saying the way you may see a women your women has to see her the same way you do, so a womens opinion cant be humble because she doent agree with you? I dont understand

  • Kady

    I feel like Men hype up there ugly friends too, did anybody see that episode of Jersey Shore when Snooki’s dude rolled up with the bother from Everybody loves Raymond for J-WOW. I mean if I wanna set people up, I send a pic and keep it moving.

    This post made me feel like I just got a stern talking to…

  • http://twitter.com/thefabfoodie Qiana McKoy

    I think what it really boils down to is a woman’s security, both with herself and in the relationship. If you are secure with yourself, why would you feel the need to delve into the pool of girlfriends past and compare and contrast? If she’s an ex, she’s an ex for a reason. You’re there because he wants YOU. Why are you concerned about the past?
    I will own up to the “way women love to say how cute their friends are knowing good and well a large portion of them are far from it” because I’ve done it. I do it because while they may not look like B on the outside, they can carry a conversation about important issues, watch football with the guys without asking a million questions, and can cook a decent meal. Physical attraction grabs your attention, but it doesn’t always keep your focus.
    I’ve also used “cute” to refer to women who to me are just “regular”. When I say regular, I mean they have attractive features but their personality is lacking. I’m very secure in myself and I believe in giving a woman her just due when she is killing the game. I’m the first to compliment a woman on a fierce hairdo or great outfit. And you can kill the game in jeans and a t-shirt, as long as your personality is poppin. But if you’re giving side eyes to every woman you see, or you have a persistent screwface EVERY time I see you, or you act thirsty whenever there are more than 2 guys present, then you’re “cute”. You’re just regular. If you like it, I love it for you.

  • http://BlackVoices.com/TheSpark Deevster

    ehhhhhh…depends on the chick you are and the dude he is. Dudes know when they got lucky and acquired a woman they know full well is out of their league. Also if you know the track record you can usually deduce that yes you are an upgrade and homie better act like it!

  • Anonymous

    Yeah, he was the man… on the surface. After knowing him for a while though, she knows his good, bad & ugly is. He’s not “the man” anymore, he’s “her man” (which by the way is a much higher accolade). And that’s fine. That’s what she wants. I think men fail to realize the majority of feelings a woman has for him she developed, nurtured, and built up with the value she GAVE him in her life. She holds him at a much higher esteem than he probably deserves because she cares for him. He’s 10x more attractive, special and important because of it. It’s how we make the man in our life stand out from any other guy. A man can be great on his own, but his greatness doesn’t matter to us until we give it value.
    ______________________________________________________________________

    can I shake your hand? lol seriously, I couldn’t have said this better myself. everything you’ve said is completely on point. these are the fundamentals men seem to overlook when they’re so busy getting perturbed because we don’t think the chick they’re salivating over is that “hot”…

  • GirlMelanie

    “Women are never humbled because they can never admit their man was the man before he started dating her and there are other girls who at the very least are as cute as her.”

    Jozen, I’m sorry this particular girlfriend damaged your poor ego. I understand the point you are trying to make, but methinks you are a bit of a hypocrite because you are doing the same thing to women that you accuse them of doing to you and the other women you have dated. You are speaking with absolute certainty about things which you could not possibly know. Although I have encountered women who carry this vain attitude, I know just as many women who are not so insecure that they have to put down every other woman their man has dated solely based upon looks. Far more often a so-called upgrade to a new relationship is based upon myriad reasons other than physical attractiveness for both sexes.
    For example, my current boyfriend lavishes me with praise for my looks. However, I know that my looks are not the sum total of what keeps him committed to me, as I am certain that he could find and has dated women who are more physically attractive than I am. On the other hand, am I wrong to assume that something was clearly lacking between his ex and him if they are no longer together? Maybe his ex really is finer than l, but maybe she is also a greedy, manipulative, abusive person, and I only think so because HE told me so. In this case, like so many others, my opinion about his other women is borne of his experience with them and not my own vanity. Or maybe that girl really ain’t that damn cute, but your ego won’t allow you to admit how your opinion about her reflects poorly on your taste in women. 😉

  • Corey

    I never ever trust a woman’s assessment of her friends. Women have the innate quality of combining physical and personal charactaristics. They truly have a difficult time seperating the two. That’s why a below average dude can actually grow on a woman over time and have her thinking he’s an adonnis. Ladies, the easiest thing I can tell you on the friend rating is to break down the discription. For instance, instead of telling us your friend is soooo beautiful (she’s really quite average), just say she’s a decent looking woman BUT she has her shit together, she works hard, cooks, loves sports, etc. Don’t go mixing up the pot and setting the bar all high. I can tell you from experience, once you’ve hyped her up if she doesn’t fit the bill on first look we really quit paying attention.

  • Anonymous

    “Women are never humbled because they can never admit their man was the man before he started dating her and there are other girls who at the very least are as cute as her.”

    Can’t quite co-sign that. There are a lot of women who are terribly self-conscious because of the woman/women who came before them, and who are concerned about the possibility that their man will once again take up with her/them. And no, not all of them suffer from low self-esteem.