Five Things Women Lie About Regarding S*x
The other night, a female friend and I were having a very candid discussion about s*x. It was one of those talks where if outsiders were listening in, they would blush. We weren’t delving into each others history or being nosy about each others experiences, but we were definitely letting our thoughts hang out there and asking questions with no filter.
I was grateful for the conversation, because her woman’s perspective helped give me a better insight into what goes on with a female when she is having s*x. The other thing it revealed to me was how often women lie about things related to s*x. One thing I have learned over time is the reason why men enjoy s*x more than women (and I absolutely believe this is true) is because men are more open and honest about what they want and what they like. Women, on the other hand, lie, a lot about, and mostly it’s in the name of protecting a man’s ego.
Well some of us men out there are tied of these lies as well as others. We’re big boys now, we can take the honesty. As a matter of fact, we would really prefer to hear it. After I talked to my female friend, I talked to my boy ER and wrapped with him about the five most common lies we’ve heard women tell us regarding sex. Here they are. We hope to never hear them again.
“IT WAS GREAT BUT I DIDN’T HAVE AN ORGASM”
I’m glad women are no longer faking about having the big O, but honestly, ladies, we don’t need the back handed compliment. Men don’t compute this because we don’t equate non-orgasm s*x with good s*x. If a woman didn’t make us have an orgasm she wasn’t great. To be honest, she could have been better. Now, men, we don’t need to be told “it could have been better”, some of us might get offended or be sensitive. But we definitely don’t need to be told it was great, that’s not encouraging, it doesn’t make us want to work harder. So instead of saying, “It was great, but I didn’t have an orgasm” try this: “It was great, let’s do it again.”
For those who don’t understand the difference between the Big O and climaxing, Google. As for the rest of us who do understand the difference, cut out the theatrics ladies. I’m a man who appreciates dynamics. I like a woman who knows how to build up to a yell and come down to a whimper. But a woman who keeps the volume on 10? Man, they annoy me, like inner city kids on the subway who turn their mp3 players all the way up. We all have a volume control, let’s use it. Don’t make me think I’m doing my job from the moment I enter the workplace. A good boss isn’t going to give me a raise just because I came in on time on the first day. Quit saying at the lop of your lungs, “This is soooooooooo good.” I know what so good is, and it comes out in the form of incomplete, clipped, sentences. “THIS……………………..IS!……………………..SO!……………………..”
“YOU’RE THE ONLY GUY WHO’S EVER HAD THIS PROBLEM”
It’s happened to me before. A woman’s ready to go, and I’m not ready to go. She’s being all seductive and I’m into it but I’m just not responding the way I need to be responding. So she says it’s okay, but then says how strange it is because she’s never seen that happen before. I had one girl tell me every guy she’s been with was always ready, no matter what. I just assumed she used to date p*rn stars because a normal but healthy guy like me definitely has his moments when he’s not ready. I believe it happens to the best of women, because some men get so wrapped up in anticipation they psych themselves out (might write more about this later), and thus they’re unprepared for the big moment. So ladies if this hasn’t happened to you, yet, well, might want to make a man wait some time. For the ladies it has happened to, quit lying and saying it hasn’t.
THE LAST TIME THEY HAD S*X
Lying about the number of partners she’s had is so 1990s. The new lie is lying about the number of months that’s gone by without having s*x. The most I will believe a woman has gone without s*x is three months, and I will only believe her if she tells me it was due to her undergoing a human experiment where they took regular people and sat them in their own igloos for three months to see what they would do. Other than that, I’m sorry I don’t believe it. It’s summer, and she’s trying to tell me the last time she got some it was under the sweet glow of Christmas lights? Please. Not only do I not believe her, I honestly don’t care. It didn’t feel different. I have never been with a woman and been able to say to myself, “Damn, this girl has been on a five-month hiatus.”
SHE WON’T DO A THREESOME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T LOOK AT GIRLS LIKE THAT
Really? REALLY!? This girl expects me to believe she doesn’t assess other women by the way they look? Then why is she always telling me her friends are pretty? Even more telling, why do some fine women hang out with nothing but other fine women? Let me guess, because they have nice personalities? No, it’s because they like to go out and party and they don’t want to go out with any girls who can’t bat their eyelashes and make the doorman open up the velvet rope. Most women I would kiss hang out with other women I would kiss, and I don’t think it’s by coincidence. She has the same taste in women I have, so why does she act like she doesn’t see what I see in other women.
Ladies, there is a perfectly acceptable answer for those women who just aren’t interested in a three-way naked tango and I’m going to give it to you so that from now on, men don’t have to be given the same tired spiel. Here it is: “No, I don’t want to have a threesome because that’s not me. That’s not what I do. But I do know two girls who are like that, here are their phone numbers.”
The Process: Thinking about growing out my mustache, just to start more conversations.
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