For Quiet Girls Who Do It Like Their Parents Are In The Other Room
Anytime I write two s*xually related posts two days in a row, the claws come out. People start complaining my blog is about nothing more than s*x. They say all I care about is getting women in bed. I don’t want a relationship, etc.
Well, all I ask is for any reader who feels like writing such a comment today, please email it to me instead, because today, once again, I’m writing a post about s*x. It’s nothing perverse, just something i want to get off my chest. So, to those who feel like saying something else about my writing about s*x, please find a way to take it out of the comments section because in there, I want to stay on topic.
Now, let’s get started shall we?
Quiet girls. In the bedroom. The ones who don’t say much, if anything at all when they’re getting it on with a man. Why do these women exist? Better question: How do these women exist?
Honest, I want to hear from the women who know they’re the quiet type (ladies who aren’t can chime in too). Comment away please and let me know what this is about and why do we think it’s sexy? Is it me and my brethren who just aren’t doing the job, or did someone a long time ago sign off on this? Speak up ladies, because I know I’m not the only man who wants to know what’s with the silent treatment. We’re listening.
No man necessarily needs opera singers, but we definitely don’t want girls who sound like nap time. As a matter of fact, I can safely gather no man prefers the latter. Don’t believe me? Ask a man what he prefers, if he says a woman who doesn’t vocalize her appreciation for what he’s doing I’ll buy him a box set of silent films.
If being quiet during s*x was the hot thing to do, why have I never swapped stories with a man who has a fetish for it? Search on the Internet for any type of fetish and there is sure to be an entire adult movie series based around it, but I’m pretty sure there is not an entire line of adult movies made where women are silent. I’m pretty sure I have never seen a series entitled MILFS, and the “M” stands for Mutes.
Before I continue: Mom, if you’re reading this, can you please stop here? Thanks.
When I was growing up, the cable provider in my city carried this pay-per-view movie channel. Channel 41. Every night at 10:30, Channel 41 would cut right into a movie like Braveheart and go straight to the Spice Channel until 6 a.m. Now of course, my family didn’t carry the pay-per-view channel, so watching anything on Channel 41 was pretty much impossible. Everything was scrambled; elbows looked liked heads and heads looked like knees. At best, a man could get 30 seconds of clear picture, but those moments were rare. For the most part, the picture made it feel like my brain was on drugs. But what the Spice Channel lacked in picture it made up for in clear, sobering sound. The sound was crystal clear and as a young man, all I cared about was hearing what these women were saying.
If my Mom just read that, I’m definitely grounded when I come home for the holidays.
Want to know what the beautiful thing is about being an adult and having my own place? Long as my volume’s not at the level where my neighbors could hear, I can listen to adult films as loud as I want. Ditto for when I actually have real women come over. She can make as much noise as she wants, and my hats off to the women who take advantage of such freedoms. To the women who still get it on like their parents are in the other room, what gives?
The biggest problem men have with quiet women is they make us feel like we’re not doing our jobs. Even worse, sometimes they even make us feel like we’re not doing what they want to be doing. I’m not trying to make light of forcing s*x onto anyone, those news narratives disgust me to the core whenever I hear about it. But I would be lying if I said it doesn’t freak me out when I’m trying my hardest to make a woman sound like a cat who got its tail stepped on and instead she sounds like a cat drinking milk. Quiet women make me wish I asked them to sign a consent form before we got started, and I know plenty of men who feel the same way.
If it’s not uncertainty about permission, then it’s definitely uncertainty about performance. Usually when I ask a woman if it feels good, the question is rhetorical. I just want to hear her say it while panting heavily at the same time. But if the woman is quiet, the question is not rhetorical, I honestly want to know if it feels good, and anytime I’ve asked a quiet woman this question they look at me crazy. “Of course you are,” they say. And I’m thinking, “Well can I get a sign? Leave a scratch or something just so after we’re done I know you were here.”
Women need to understand, it’s the sounds they make that keep a man coming back. We can factor in other things, like how she feels and yes, even tastes, but s*x is a very sensory thing for men, so women need to lock us in with more than just the sense of touch, sight, taste, and smell. We need the fifth sense too. The sound. When we’re by ourselves, thinking back to the last woman we had, yeah, we can close our eyes and remember what she looked like, but like Channel 41, the sound of her is going to resonate most.
The Process: A lot of people wondering why I’m putting an asterisk in s*x. It’s to prevent us from getting blocked at the workplace and keep our search results clean. Oh, and I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from working out this morning. Anyone have some tips on how to nurse it back to health?
Tomorrow we record a new podcast, but the TWELFTH Edition of the POPPIN’ QUESTIONS PODCAST is now UP! Click here to listen.