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Advice From Hot Girls: How Do I Date Her Friend?

November 19th, 2010 Leave a comment Go to comments

My head feels like someone is practicing drums inside of it right now. I can barely move, barely talk, and it’s freezing here in Boston.

So considering I’m recovering from my wild night here in the Bean, I have nothing substantial to say about anything. Instead, I’d much rather pose a question to my female readers (as always male readers are welcomed and encouraged to chime in) about a dilemma I would like some clarity on. Please leave them in the comments and remember, don’t curse or bad mouth people lest you want your comment to go in the virtual trash bin.

WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO GO AFTER A GIRL WHO HAS A FRIEND I TRIED TO ALREADY GO AFTER?

The girl I wanted to go out with originally has declined me for whatever reason. I’m not her type. She has a man. She just got out of a relationship, adjusting to her new found singledom. Whatever it is, I tried to go out with her, she said no, I oblige, but not without noticing her friend looks just as good as her.

So now I want to go out with her friend. How do I do that without making the friend seem like the second one picked? Considering her friend turned me down, this is okay, right? What if the girl and I did go out on a date, but I found her not interesting or she found me not interesting? That being established, do I have license to ask her friend out? Can I ask her to hook me up with her friend?

I’m ready to hear from the masses.

Go.

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The Process: I wish people could see how thorough I am about sticking to my diet, even when I’m at a diner at 4 a.m., inebriated. Anyway, as I said yesterday, tomorrow (Saturday) the Grits and Biscuits party is going down in Brooklyn. I swear I am not working for the people putting this on. I just want to spread the good word. People should know about great times, so go here and if you’re in town or live in NYC, click here for the info.

The THIRTEENTH Edition of the POPPIN’ QUESTIONS PODCAST is now UP! Click here to listen.

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  • Truth

    NO u can not ask her friend out! If her friend is a loyal friend it would be breaking GirlCode to go out with u bc u use to like her girl!

  • Luv_poet001

    sorry buddy, you struck out. no second chances on that one if the girls are truly loyal to each other. to ask the other girl out would indeed start trouble. thats the gamble men take when deciding which woman to pursue, you gotta pick the right one.

  • Tes

    It all depends. My best friend and I had a similar instance of this awhile ago and she and I had no issues with it. It depends on their friendship and their personalities. Also, girlCode is complete crap. Once you become a woman, it becomes about doing what’s right for you and communicating that to others with no apologies.

  • rw

    you can’t, accept the L, or wait a bit to approach other chick, but no contact at all with either chicks til then

  • shay

    NO WAY!!! The friend will definitely feel like the only reason you asked her out is because her friend declined you. It also looks bad to the girl that you tried to date initially. You might as well forget about her sorry to say.

  • RAE

    I don’t see why not. If both the girls are aware, and are cool with it, does it really matter? I’ve wanted to date a guy my friend had dated in the past. I just told her what was up, and asked if it was cool. She didn’t care. So I did me. It turned out fine.

  • Janelle

    I agree with everyone else. To ask the other friend out because the other one wouldn’t go for you for whatever reason will only start trouble. Furthermore this has actually happened to me except there was a bit of a spin on the situation. They guy was dating my roommate and thought it would be acceptable to start hitting on me and eventually asking me out after he knew it wouldn’t work out with the roommate. Um yea it caused problems with us (my old roommate and I). I will just leave the rest to everyone else’s imagination. But here is the real deal Holyfield or in other words my opinion about the guy who was causing all of the havoc. Him wanting to find someone or approach someone like me (which is how he worded it to me) was ummm from my point of view a bit desperate. I am not saying the author of this blog is desperate but when it comes to picking out fruit from a fruit tree sometimes if you know that the fruit at the very top of the tree has gone bad or spoiled it is probably best if you pick fruit from a completely different tree if you know what I mean? Chances are picking fruit from the first tree will just end with bad results. You would have less risk by pursuing a woman that has nothing to do with the first gal you tried to approach. Going after friends is a definite no no. It doesn’t matter whether or not the girl is cool with it or not. Unless she offers up her friend I wouldn’t do it as a man and approach a friend of a girl that rejected you.

  • Msdropsknowledge

    Let’s be real, the truth is she is the second choice. (Technicalities bro.) However, this isnt a bad thing….if she does not possess a childish mentality/insecurity issues she will not let it keep her from a potentially great date.
    I mean do you really want to go on a date w/ a chic that’s going to whine about being the 2nd choice? It’s a date not a walk down the aisle, she’ll be aright.

    And yes you’re always allowed to ask the friend out. No one is going to stop you BUT it depends on the situation.

    If you asked out friend A and she said no then it’s not a crime to try to date friend B because friend A had no interest in you. (this does not break the girl code in any way. In fact, having been in the situation before friend A will not care if you ask out her friend, why should she? She doesnt like you. She may even clue you into if friend B is interested in a date or let friend B know youre interested.)

    Now if you and friend A did actually go on the date or dated for awhile then it’s tricky. This is where the code comes into play, it all depends on friend A and how she feels about the situation. For ex, maybe it didnt work but friend A is still attracted but knows YOU are no longer interested. Can you date her friend? NO. She will feel her friend is not being loyal, which would be disloyal.

    BUT if friend A moves on because she realizes she could never vibe with you and doesnt find you interesting then YES. This is because friend A is not attracted/feeling you on the low in fact she may even be happy to hook you up w her friend.

    Usu. if it was just a date or two and the friend you dated no longer has feelings/attraction for/towards you , no boy shorts will get twisted at the thought of you dating her friend.

    You should also, think of it like this…..

    if your boy jermaine dated a chic and was really feeling her but the chic was no longer interested in him and wanted to date you would you do so knowing that he was really feeling her on the low still?

    If he dated a chic and did not find her interesting and no longer wanted to date her, would you date her if she asked you out?

  • Lorz46

    Assuming these are mature women you’re referring to, there’s no reason why it should cause a problem. BUT, it is a bit of an awkward situation because it does kind of imply that she’s your second choice. Maybe wait for some time to pass by?

    Other than that, I don’t understand some of the comments that say the second woman wouldn’t be loyal or would be breaking “girl code” by going out with you considering you never went out with the first woman to begin with…it’s like asking your friend permission to like the same guy she does out of “loyalty” or “girl code.” Sounds a bit juvenile to me…

  • Nicole

    I think the safest bet is to avoid the situation entirely..or at least for a couple months. No matter how you approach it, it will look like the friend is the ‘second choice’.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1319164448 Shavonne Purifoy

    I have mixed feelings about GirlCode. I personally don’t like seconds. If a guy were to ask my girlfriend out, get declined, and then ask me and I know about it….the only way I would is if I secretly crushed on him first and thought that we would go far…very, very, very far with the relationship. Otherwise, NO. Don’t do it. Just hang out with your secret crush, drinks, movies, dindin. Build it slowly.

  • Shaunnilb

    GirlCode does not apply here, because there was no relationship of any kind established between you and Girl A, not one date, not one kiss goodnight. You got rejected by Girl A, Girl A has nothing to say about what happens from here on out- you would not be “sloppy seconds” to Girl B. However, fact of the matter is Girl B IS second choice (hence why she has been referred to as “Girl B”), and any girl with a fair amount of self-respect will realize this. You need to let a little time lapse before asking Girl B out at the very least. Anything other makes you look either 1.) desperate, or 2.) spiteful, in the middle school kind of way, and chances are the A+B may share a laugh at your expense. At any rate, asking Girl B out at this point in time will not come off as 100% sincere.

  • Aries_Rose

    Lol I like the A and B nicknames so I’ll stick with that! I guess the way you approach it depends on who girl B is as a person. Girl A shouldn’t care because she wasn’t interested. Girl A probably has informed girl B about you, so there’s no secret that at some point in time, you did want girl A. With that being said, maybe girl B won’t take offense to you asking her out, but you could also risk that if things go well, the thought of you really wanting girl A could linger in girl B’s mind, which would be a DISASTER! I think I like the tree analogy…it’s time to stop with the apples and go on to an oak tree or something!

  • Sassygirl151

    This is a no win situation and it will make you look like a lame no matter what your intentions are and how good/cool a dude you may be. Like someone else said, they will most likely have a laugh at your expense. Ladies have just as much ego as guys and guess what; nobody likes to play second best. Her friend caught your eye first because she is probably just a tad more visually pleasing or well put together or something but either way the other chick was just an afterthought and she will know it. People, it has nothing to do with being grown, it’s ego.

  • http://www.aconversationbycandlelight.blogspot.com Erica

    I think the best method is to try to approach both ladies as friends. This way when you and girl B click it wont be odd. You can gracefully move the relationship from friendship to something deeper. Definitely DONT ask girl A to hook you up. Although she might not want you she might not want your friend to have you either. It might take a little time and may seem a little backhanded to go the friend route but at least this way no feelings will be hurt (esp. yours)! Good luck!

  • leressa

    There are so many women out there that you could choose from why would you want to put yourself or both girl A and B in that type of situation. As evolved as most people would like to believe that they are, NO ONE wants to feel like your plan B. I would say move on and find someone else.

  • Chelle

    We are all adults therefore, we need to look at situations that way. You
    asked her friend out and for whatever reason she turned you down, so
    if you want to ask out the other friend then you should be able too. Who knows you two may hit it off and you would of missed out on it just because her friend turned you down…and if the girl feels “second choice” then keep it moving…cause nothing u can say will change that

  • BoomShots

    Is your goal short term or long term?
    If it is the former just go for it, ask and ye shall be answered. If it is the latter the best bet is to take the long route..the accidental meet, did I not meet you with whats her name…artfully recalling her name and not the friend….you know the laid back way to stalk a chick without really stalking her. By being around her without too much direct contact…that way your being in her circle looks more like fate and less like a concerted effort. If you don’t hang in the same circles most of this will be pretty hard to accomplish.

    F girl code, you looking to get with a woman. Most of those codes were devised by adolescent girls in HS circles. Women have to travel with better rules and focus on good choices not choices limited by rules made up by teenage girls.
    Do they still not talk to people whom their BFF don’t talk to either?

    Plus what is wrong with second choice?
    If the first choice was wrong maybe the second choice is right.

  • http://twitter.com/kannycharm Kandra

    It all comes down to how cool the girls are. If they are real friends they will laugh at the guy thats trying to go between them. If they aren’t, anything goes. Be yourself and keep it casual until you are certain.

  • Ajgoodees

    This is what you do….cut all ties with the first chick you asked out. You don’t want it to seem as if you still are interested with her. But this is where the tricky part comes in. You have to find a way to casually start a conversation with the other chick. The purpose is to make it seem like everything is random and unplanned. You all start talking, make her laugh a little bit, and eventually proposing to continue the conversation further. Her response to your conversation will tell you if she is feeling you too or not. If she is standoffish, then let it go. But if she’s receptive, laughs at your jokes, and doesn’t get offended at your proposal…..then there you go! Doesn’t hurt to try. Stuff like this happens everyday. 🙂

  • Amakachi

    The fact the 1st girl turned you down is perfect, you can use that as your ticket into the group proudly proclaiming that you are just friends and are being friendly, but that gives you the excuse to be aroung girl #2 unsuspiciously, all the while running subtle game on her until the point that her and your relationship “just happened!”

  • Billions

    Yes you can ask her friend out after you do some investigation first. you must know how close they really are? what the 2nd women feels about her friend

    then i would suggest going out somewhere public during the day or afternoon just to see where her heads at?

    i feel like why should the 1st women care about if you talk to her friend. because A. she told you no B. You never smashed (Right?) C. who knows her friend might be a better match for you.

  • coco

    That’s not true. There is a code and what you propose is just plain selfishness. It is not all about what you think is right for you. That’s the problem, folks have are about self. The guy that tries to date friends is a jerk, pure and simple, not to mention vain. There are plenty of women he can get with instead of hitting on the friend. Next!

  • coco

    Sounds like you found out the hard way. A lesson learned.

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  • 05girl

    It totally depends on the exact situation. How long have you known these women? How well do you know them? Do you have a genuine connection with the girl? Probably easier to try to slowly get to know her than ask her out and put her in the difficult situation.

  • Ed

    I’m loving reading these comments, I’ve always wanted to know this answer

  • Cookie

    You’re better off building a friendship with girl #2, preferably out of the presence of girl #1.

  • Cecilia

    Girl B would most likely:
    1) feel like she is “second best”
    2) feel like you still may be attracted in some way to her friend whether or not you’ve moved past the fact that she doesn’t want a relationship with you
    3) feel like it’s a bit tasteless to even consider the situation
    4) have given you some type of inclination that she was mutually attracted to you by now
    5) all the above
    6) some of the above
    7) none of the above

    Either way, it wouldn’t portray you in a manner that is charming.

    There plenty of other attractive single females, eventually the right one will come at the right time. As cliche as that sounds… it’s the truth. NEXT!

  • liss

    I havent read any comments, but this is coming from a girl who was the “second choice”.. I became friends with this guy BECAUSE he was trying to get at a friend… they tried their thing for a week and both figured out it wasn’t for them. OUR friendship remained and somehow WE “just happened”.. If you are just trying to mess around with the girl and dont think there is a potential relationship, don’t go out of your way to get this girl. There are plenty of fishes in the sea. All that will create is a bad name on your part with their crew and you know how girls talk..

    NOW- if you are really trying to get to know this girl and not just trying to get in her pants, just be her friend first. it ALWAYS helps to become friends first (not best friends, but you know what i mean).. If you try to get at her off top, she will most likely be turned off and feel all these negative things everyone says she will feel. good luck buddy 🙂

  • liss

    ps: being that her friend rejected you.. if her friend really likes you or finds you attractive, wouldnt “girlcode” be to encourage this to happen?? at least thats what i would think a grown woman would feel in a situation like this.. if they are mature enough, i don’t think it would create a problem. But you are putting yourself on thin ice. This has potential to be okay if you play your cards right, but also potential for you to look bad..

  • Tea

    In a perfect world everyone would be rational and this would be fine, but this is not a perfect world. You said youself in the question that you noticed her friend was fine AFTER you got turned down. You should have picked the other girl first. She is second-best if you didn’t pick her first.

    And no one wants to be in competition with their friends. If you all hit it off with Girl B, Girl A and B will always know you wanted girl A first. That’s not cool.

    You also run the risk of being tagged one of the thirsty dudes we talk about over mimosas at brunch. You’re at no loss for women. Leave Girl B and find someone else to ask out.

  • GWTRS

    don’t do it…there are plenty of fish in the sea. P.S. you should live stream one day, I’m sure you’ll get lots of viewers!

  • Dani

    I have to disagree with you – for example, why should I go and put my friend first? She had her chance with him and said no, so if he asks me out and I’m interested because I’m not one to write people off quickly, why can’t I say yes? Because there’s this made up girl code that you can’t go for someone your friend DIDN’T want? It’s not like she wanted him and he didn’t want her, it’s completely the opposite situation. And honestly, once you’re past the age of 20, you should always put YOUR best interest first, because in the end the only person you have is yourself, so if you don’t look out for what you really want, who will? Those ‘friends’ who make up ‘girl code’ because they’re too selfish to let others be happy?

  • Jade24

    You will seem extra thirsty. Are you so desperate that you can’t find another girl in another circle of friends to holler at??

  • http://twitter.com/hey__ma madeleine lindsey

    big girlcode no.

    a few times i have watched a friend date a guy i found interesting and realized that was it for the possibility of my dating him.

    HOWEVER

    a clause i think should be mentioned

    I feel like there is a statute of limitations: after a year it is a blank slate. All the girls friends are fair game.

  • http://pastthevelvetrope.wordpress.com Mimi

    Umm… Its never okay. There is no smooth way to do this. Just choose someone else. The friend IS the second choice regardless. And you will be a lame if you try to act on that second choice. Simple.

    Crazy night in Boston??? LMAO… yeah right, Imagine that. There are never crazy nights in this city anymore. But maybe to an outsider who drank too much and was just excited about new faces and the surprisingly good weather for November that we have been having. Just maybe…

  • http://twitter.com/caribbeanBleu Jinx The Chase

    LMFAO, sounds awkward if they ever get into a conversation about it (assuming Girl B says yes to going out with you).

    But ask her out. It’s really on her to say yes or no.

  • anonymous

    If you really, really like here. Try to talk to her at least a couple of months from now. If you can, make it a chance meeting. At least for me, I don’t like being considered 2nd choice. It is one thing to know that a guy you like prefers someone else over you, but it is even worse when you will have a constant reminder that your my guy liked my good friend before me. I will feel like I am getting her sloppy seconds.

    Just my opinion.

    Here is an example. I was talking with this guy during the spring. He disappeared and started texting me again in the Fall. I haven’t returned any of his texts. Although I was interested before, I keep wondering why did he disappear. If the woman or women you were seeing were so great before, then go back to them. I don’t have time for games and now I feel like a 2nd choice. Feeling like a 2nd choice to him has stopped me for texting or calling him back.

  • sugarhoneyicedt

    I think it’s possible. It would definitely help clean the situation up if you told girl A that you’re attracted to her friend and that out of respect you just wanted to give her a heads up. Maybe ask her the best way to approach girl B. If girl B is mature enough, then she will A: appreciate your honesty and tact and B: give her girl the head’s up which let you in. Nothing like a recommendation from her girl to put you in there!! Girl A will most likely say something like “he tried to get at me, but I was stuck on such and such” or “he just isn’t my type, but he’s sweet and you’d like him.” I think some of the other opinions on here are reflections of their own sensitivity and insecurity. Sometimes this kind of guy is a creep, but not always. Sometimes they turn out to be really good friends for Girl A and good lovers etc for girl B. *shrugs*