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Five Reasons Other Than S*x He Still Talks To Other Women

November 29th, 2010 Leave a comment Go to comments

Well, what do you know? I had a topic all lined up to write about this morning, and then I open up my inbox. Inside was an email from a reader who found out the man she’s been seeing is still active on a couple of dating sites. To add more context, they’ve been seeing each other for two years and he has a history of lying.

What made her question interesting was not that she asked the typical stuff like, “Do you think he’s cheating on me?” or “How do I confront him about this?” (One more thing: a friend of hers who goes to the same dating sites is the one who tipped her to her man’s activity). She actually doesn’t believe her man is cheating, and however naive she may be for believing so, I still think her question was an interesting one:

She asks, What else is a man looking for when he is looking for women?

That’s a great question, so let me lay out not one, but five things a man can be looking for in women outside of the one with whom he is in a relationship.


Within the nuances of self, we all are different, but some of us like to go for people who are explicitly and boldly different.  We date our polar opposites; people who are into different things than we are or who come from a different background than we do. They live a life in a different world, and we appreciate the contrast. But, when we go back to our lairs, set free in our own world, we find there the people whom are most familiar, people just like us. We may not want to date them. We may not want to hook up with them. But we certainly enjoy hanging out with them.


I’ve said this before, I’ll say it again: outside of making a woman scream or moan or say his name at the top of her lungs, making a woman laugh is music to a man’s ears. Every man has a couple of jokes in his repertoire and they usually guarantee at least a smile. The problem is, sometimes they’re all he has, and he can only say them so much to his main woman before she starts finishing the joke for him. So every now and then, he likes to go out with his buddies and meet a new woman whose name he doesn’t know and tell her the same joke. He likes to see a new set of teeth, hear a new giggle, and even if she doesn’t think it’s funny, a new set of eyes rolling at what he just said. Is this really that bad? Can’t a man make another woman laugh without being labeled a cheater? Of course I can keep my member in my pants, but I’ll be damned if I hold back a good joke.


I know this may sound sketchy, but hear me out. Since I’ve been single, I’ve had the opportunity to take advantage of a lot of foodie calls. Women have cooked so many meals for me, it’s fair to call me a dinner wh*re. Shall the day come when I get into a relationship, guess what I’m not giving up? Those foodie calls. I’m sorry, girlfriend I don’t have yet. It’s just too many good meals being cooked by too many good female friends of mine to be all, “I’m sorry I can no longer come over for the steak and shrimp meal you make once a month because I have a girlfriend.” Not happening. Even if my woman at home makes a good steak and shrimp meal, why can’t I have two? That question is rhetorical because I’m going to have two. Remember, I’m eating, not cheating (no pun intended).


This is a sketchy area for some couples, but I truly do believe if I have a friend of the opposite sex who has been in my life longer than the girlfriend with whom I’m in a current relationship, I should be able to keep my friend. Now, when can said friendship go under review? Good question. Here’s what else I believe: A girlfriend of mine can voice her issue concerning my female friend after we have been together for as long as the female friend and I were friends when my relationship began. Make sense? In other words, a girlfriend of 8 months cannot take issue with my girl friend of 8 years.


There is absolutely no greater equalizer amongst men than a fine woman. A man can be poor, have nothing to his name; not a car, not a dime, not a reservation, not a name on the list. But if he has a pretty woman on his arm, doors open up, things are on the house, and though a pretty woman can’t make a car magically appear, the man waiting for his car at valet still wishes he had the woman who is on the arm of the man hailing down a cab. When a man has a pretty woman in his life, he’s not letting her go. She’s his entryway into places and social circles he probably can’t get into otherwise. What’s the difference between the fine friend and the fine girlfriend we have at home? Well, they both can be a headache. We just don’t have to deal with one of them all the time.


The Process: Today, I start my new gig. I’m the new editor for XXL’s website, You know what that means? Go there. Now. Later. Often. Thanks in advance!

The FOURTEENTH Edition of the POPPIN’ QUESTIONS PODCAST is now UP! Click here to listen.

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  • Kae-Toya

    Makes sense………….i have one guy on my fb who is there just because he is hot. And I told him so when I added him………he knows he is just there for eye candy……

  • Superwoman

    ha ha ha ha – i just love your perspective, jozen! and congratulations on the new gig!! that’s kind of a big deal, innit? well done! *applauding*

  • Aries_Rose

    Congrats on the new job! I’m at my desk cracking up @ “Remember, I’m eating, not cheating (no pun intended).” Oh my goodness, you are hilarious for that one! Hope your first day goes well!

  • MIss White

    Ehhhhh I guess. You may be re-evaluating that dinner stance if you get with the right (or wrong, depending on how you look at it) girl. Great post as usual though! And congrats on the new gig!

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  • maxfab

    I have to come back later and re-read this but I’m tentatively calling shenanigans on this post.

  • A Diva State of Mind

    Congratulations on the new gig!!!


    Great post. Humorous. But I strongly disagree with the ‘foodie’ thing. That is just ridiculous. If we’ve been in a relationship a while and I’m cooking for you, whether good or bad, you taking me with the good and the bad, btw, I’m a great cook, but I digress. If you’re making once a month food runs to another woman, that’s just disrespectful. Firstly, not only are you eating another woman’s food, but you are still having some connection to said other woman. Then if you’re having dinner WITH her, actually at her house and not just taking the plate with you, then you’re spending time with another woman, AND entertaining the idea of you and the other woman, OR at least in her head. Let’s flip it…SHALL WE… So if I had a male ‘friend’, who gave the best massages, and even though, you give a great massage, he’s offering them up, with no strings attached, I should be able to go get a damn massage, I mean, it’s innocent right? Same thang. I don’t know if it makes sense, or truly equates, but it sounded good in my head… lol.

    Did you ever consider inviting your girlfriend to dinner with you??? If you wouldn’t consider it or would NEVER, or she would not be invited, then it’s not right.

    I mean, ideally, it could just be a plate of food. But the reality is that it’s still just another woman, whom you, for whatever reason you decide, you still have a connection with. Why you men feel it necessary to keep a short leash on women to have at your disposal is just plain selfish. You’re never satisfied with what you have at home, literally. Always keeping options open. It’s just that simple. Doesn’t really require much explanation. I mean, honestly, it’s probably best not to even ask, and just accept the fact that they are selfish. Nothing to do with you, at all. Quite frankly, the explanation BS they try to throw at you will leave you baffled, that they really believe what they are saying to be ok, simply make you angrier.

    SHE’S FINE…wow, shallow… but OK….

    The FRIEND thing, well, to a certain extent I can agree, but if said ‘friend’ is an ex or past booty call/buddy, and you know it could still be poppin, if you wanna or one of you ….pop the cork, sorta speak, then would we would have a problem. You know when someone still wants you, and if you are still hanging with that person, it’s not right.

  • Reecie

    hmm. I am not feeling the she’s a better cook one. actually the only one that makes sense to me is common interest. Even with friendship there should be boundaries. Any guy that says we have to be together the same amount of years of said friendship to have an opinion isn’t the man for me (I would never hold that stipulation for my bf if he felt I had an out of line friend.) our roles in your life are very different, unless they aren’t. then what’s the point of having a gf at all? hmm.

  • Miss Priss

    SMH!!!! Sad story if a man in a committed relationship mirrors these views. If a man in a relationship feels this way, he should not be in a relationship.

  • Ms. D Marie

    hmmm…this answers the question of why men keep other women around…not necessarily what they’re looking for.

    except for #1…which I think is an excellent point. We all do this.

    #2, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with making other people laugh. I like when my friends or other people in general think my man is funny and interesting. who wants to be with a lame? LOL

    #3…this is dangerous. I agree with SouthernSexy on one part….if you can’t invite your girl with you to dinner then there’s something wrong. And if your girl and this “cook” don’t know each other or have some kind of familiarity…you’re wrong. I dunno about comparing a massage lol…but how about if your girl was cooking for another man?

    #4 having a female friend who you go back with is cool! Spending all your time with that other female friend; divulging all your closest secrets/thoughts to her BEFORE your girl, putting your female friend 1st all the time is WRONG. There have to be boundaries. I have parents who have been married for 37 years and they have friends of the opposite sex but they speak to them erry now and then. maybe an email a little more often. Eventually your partner should take precedence. But I agree that a shorty u been kickin’ it with for 8 months needs to chill on beefin’ about your friend of 8 years. Honestly if I was her I’d want to get to know that girl. Because she has qualities that have enabled her to become a staple in your life and can give her insight into you. Not in an unhealthy, jealous, stalker way tho lol…but you can tell a lot about a man by the company they keep.

    #5…get over it. Beauty fades. LOL

  • Talia Taylor

    In Summary:

    1)She’s boring.
    2)She doesn’t laugh at my jokes anymore.
    3)Her taste buds are underdeveloped.
    4)She’ll never be as cool as my other friends.
    5)I need something prettier to stare at in my spare time.

  • BoomShots

    Most of my friends are women, some of them fine, some great cooks, some exes, some people I just love to talk or hang out with but I doubt I would present them to a serious GF as a take it or leave it option. Whose relationships are such zero/sum games?

    I am very big about introducing my female friends to my GF to make her aware that all of these relationships are above board. Once you start cloaking any relationship in secrecy you open to the door for speculation about motives or actions. Inevitably all relationships are doomed by poor communication.

    Deception requires complicity, so the LW who prompted this blog with her questions is fooling herself if she thinks her man is not looking to cheat or at the least hoping to get caught so he can exit their relationship. In most relationship some where along the line an unreasonable demand will be proposed by one party or the other but most times these can be negotiated by reasonable people.

    The key though is that both people are reasonable. An old but true saying is you can’t reason with unreasonable people.

  • lola

    Boomshots took the words right out of my mouth – “I am very big about introducing my female friends to my GF to make her aware that all of these relationships are above board. Once you start cloaking any relationship in secrecy you open to the door for speculation about motives or actions. Inevitably all relationships are doomed by poor communication.

    If your GF can’t come to that dinner with you or if you haven’t made a sincere effort to introduce her to that long-time female friend (and all 3 of ya’ll hang sometimes so GF can observe the dynamics for herself and hopefully stop feeling insecure), something’s sketchy.

  • lola

    Oh, and congrats on the new gig!!!

  • KitKatCuty84

    I would not be comfortable with my dude accepting home-cooked meals from other women. I cook meals for men. I bake desserts for men. I know what it means when I do it and I know what my intentions are and I know what THEIR intentions are (at least latently), so I would not be cool with that.

    My feelings about the “female friend” are mixed. I’ve tried making male friends in NYC. It’s very hard. They want to have sex with you. And you kinda want to have sex with them. It’s always there, under the surface. Some female friends are just a great friend that you talk to once in a while and you’ll go to her parties once in a while, and you’ll grab brunch and you’ll walk her to her car or call a cab for her if it’s late. Those are cool. Others are the ones who’ll hear all about our sexual issues, any arguments we have, your negative thoughts about our relationship, etc. etc. Those I do have a problem with.

    Call me insecure if you like, but I don’t like the dudes with the long-time female friend that’s hotter than I am (at least in my opinion) that knows everything (even personal stuff I wish she didn’t know about ME). That never ends well in the movies and it never ends well in real life because one day, the dude wakes up and says, “Wait a minute! I LOVE this chick who’s hot and knows everything about me and with whom I have a lot of history, etc.”, and I don’t want to be the girl he’s dating when he comes to that realization. As many times as I’ve seen “When Harry Met Sally”, I’ll never believe she’s “just a friend”, either. There’s something drawing you two together. This is even worse if the two “friends” actually have a sexual history together.

  • Bob

    be happy. happiness and peace of mind are priceless. you can’t force someone to be the kind of friend / companion that you need. no matter how nice the person is or how much you want them to be. he / she is just not the one. that’s hard for a lot of people to accept.

  • Pantrini

    Normally I agree with your thoughts despite being from the opposite sex but this post reads …#she must entertain me at all times…or ill go to my replacement.” This I cannot support…because I doubt you would be ok with a girl your interested in keeping a male person around because he’s hot. That’s what I call tom foolery.

    But then again, I’m just a silly lil lady with average looks and poor culinary abilities.


    ” I’ve tried making male friends in NYC. It’s very hard. They want to have sex with you. And you kinda want to have sex with them. It’s always there, under the surface. ”

    I mean really though, it basic math. Man+Woman=SEX
    In the right conditionenough alchohol, right ligthening, smoove music, or it’s been awhile and you’re about to bust, a man and woman, whether they consider themselves friends or there is no real attraction, will connect the dots and anything else with connecting parts.

    I’ve never personally had ‘male’ friend either. Yes, they all wanted to have sex. It’s just not fesiable to maintain a frienship in such conditions. I mean, a man is always thinking, one day you’ll give in. But do you keep this person around, knowing you have a man? Just not safe lol. Cause maybe you thinking the same thing, or at least it’s a possibility. Not always true, but why chance it.

  • Randy Z.

    Massages and meals are on completely different playing fields — foreplay and dinner.

    Now if your example was truly reversed, and you went to another mans spot for said steak dinner. . .then your argument would hold more validity and issues of jealousy/respect/etc could be addressed — or depending on the dude, just bring him back a plate.

  • Celly Richy

    I agree with all of the women who think the 3rd one on the list is extremely outta pocket. I would NOT be OK with my man going over to another woman’s house to accept meals. To me, cooking for my man is intimate. He is my sous chef. He is pouring me a glass of wine as I am busy over the stove. He is making sure the music is right. When he bites into my meals he makes the “OMG this is soo delicious” face. These nights are almost sacred to me, it goes beyond food… it is bonding. So it isn’t rocket science as to why it is very inappropriate for a man to leave my house and receive a meal from another woman. It is so much more than a meal. I’ll be damned if my man requested to do such a thing! ha!

  • paigeworthy


  • Mandi

    As a female with a number of male friends, I feel it is important to uphold a respect for any relationship any of them may be in, and not infringe on any couple time. And I am cool with a man I may be with having female friends, in fact I encourage it.

    I am on the other side of dinner wh*ringness. I will cook for just about anyone (but not everyone gets dessert). My last boyfriend struck out in the beginning, he asked me out a couple times and received some indefinate answers and flaking out…but then one day he texted “So when you gonna cook for me?” and BAM! He was in…

  • Miss. Riss

    Congratulations on the new job! Best of Luck!

  • Anike Love

    “In other words, a girlfriend of 8 months cannot take issue with my girl friend of 8 years.”

    There are exceptions to this rule though.

    1) If you and said “girl friend of 8 years” have had any intimate relationship, then I’M TAKING ISSUE!

    2) If either you or said girl friend have ever dated or expressed interest for each other in the past, then I’M TAKING ISSUE!

    I don’t care how long you’ve known each other, that line has got to be drawn because that’s how people end up getting burned.


    LMAO @ “or depending on the dude, just bring him back a plate.”

    I do see your point. Duely noted. I know I was reaching. However, a massage is a massage, just like dinner is dinner. It just depends on who’s providing the service and where. A massage doesn’t have to be foreplay. It can be taken there, but doesn’t necessarily lead to it. Ok, maybe, more so than dinner. But, still, I belive my point holds some validity. lol

  • Atinys

    1,2, and 5 i can get with…. 3 definitely not….4 we;d have to talk about….. good read 🙂

  • PYT

    I totally agree with you, its not cool and wouldn’t go down…two people who are dating and in a relationship cooking together and making a meal for each other is an intimate thing…I mean haven’t we all seen Down Home with the Neely’s? They can’t chop onions without wanting to back it up on the buttered rolls at least once during the show.

  • Scarlett D

    Food p0rn! I love it! There is nothing like cooking with your man and he comes up way too close behind you, moves your hair to the side and sniffs or bites your neck…cooking together=heaven…even if it does delay the meal for a few strokes minutes.

  • debbie

    congrats on the new job! i will definately be going there. Now. Later. Often

  • FlyBrownie89

    I agree with your comment 100% Thats exactly how some Brown Sugar type ish goes down! I do however feel that if he and this female friends have only been friends and have never even crossed that line then it cool! I have guys friends that are like brothers that i can’t see parting with when i get into a relationship

  • Guest

    I will say I felt this way until I became very close to one of my bf’s friend from growing up. I knew from the get that they used to “talk” on and off for a while, and were just friends before and after this occurred. Although I was hesitant on what to believe, I soon learned that people can be just friends even after they hooked up, depending on the time of relationship they had. In this case they had been friends since about 9th, so even after they stopped hooking up and get with other persons, they remained friends and just that. And it has been about 5 years since they broke up. I think getting close to her is what made me realize there was really nothing going on between them, and also the fact that it has been a very long time since they were last together. However, if he hung out with her on his own time and I never really got to know her then I would have been much more skeptical.

    And I likewise will say that I am friends with people I have messed with in the past and we are that- just friends. So it is definitely possible as long as the person allows the significant other to get to know this friend as well. Otherwise, if he doesn’t let you meet her it’s most likely because that’s who he’s cheating on you with. (Also from personal experience.) A real friend they would want you to meet.