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Dear Future Girlfriend, RE: Facebook Profile Pictures

November 30th, 2010 Leave a comment Go to comments

Since I’m not in a relationship, there are things I want to write about but often can’t because, well, I’m not actually going through it. Anyone who’s followed this blog knows I place a premium on writing about things I’m either going through or have gone through.

But there are some things I want to write about even if I’m not going through them right at this moment. They’re certain issues or points of conversation I’m sure I will have with my girlfriend of the future. I don’t know what she looks like (well, maybe I do). I have no idea what she will bring to the table, and I definitely can’t predict the contentious points of our relationship. but I know at some point I will be in a relationship and at some point, certain things will come up.

What I want to start doing is getting in front of these issues now, before she even comes into my life. We can certainly talk about them at some point, but I do believe these letters I write to her will be a good starting point for the conversation.

So future girlfriend who I don’t know yet, I’m going to need you to read these letters carefully. They’re not all the answers to the test, but they’re definitely a helpful study guide.

Dear Future Girlfriend Whose Name I Don’t Know Yet,

RE: Facebook Profile Pictures

I once dated a girl who was seemingly perfect in every way. This was long before you came into my life. She was a bit of a nag, and kind of seemed like she was in a rush to get into a relationship, especially on Facebook, but outside of those two particular issues, she was awesome; a real gem.

But one day she crossed the line. She decided it would be cool to just post a picture the two of us took on her Facebook profile. and get this, she posted it as her profile picture! When I told her to take it down, she objected. I said she had to take it down, she had no choice. When she asked why, I said because I was through dating her and therefore the picture of us together was nothing more than a lie.

Yeah, I know, I used to be messed up back then.

Anyway, here was my issue with her posting up a picture of us on Facebook as her profile pic:

She was showing off.

She had a lot of friends, on Facbeook that is, and so I knew her profile pic was a carefully maintained vanity project. Shoot, I know mine is and I refuse to let myself be used for the purpose of showing off the fact that they’re in a relationship. If it sounds unreasonable, trust me it isn’t because if anyone knows the art of Facebook profile curating, it’s me.

A couple of years before the girl I just told you about, I was guilty of showing off my happiness to a bunch of people, via There was the vacation I went on with an ex-girlfriend of mine years ago. We went to Cancun, stayed in these plush accommodations, the whole nine. So of course we took a gaggle of pictures. Pictures in our swimsuits, pictures of us chilling together on the beach, eating breakfast, laying by the pool. The very next week, of course I wanted to see the pictures on Facebook, so we posted them up, leaving them on our profiles for the duration of our relationship.

Then there was the ex-girlfriend after her. For years I kept up a couple of pictures we took together on my Facebook profile. Even after we broke up.

But today, all those pictures are gone. What prompted their removal? Well, they say hindsight is 20/20, and when I think back to my motive for posting up those Facebook pictures, I realize all I really wanted to do was show off these pretty girls I was calling my girlfriend. That was it. These girls were the equivalent of a rapper’s platinum chain, and I was the rapper, guilty of lifting them up and holding them up so the whole world can see. In essence, I might as well have been putting my thumbs up to my ears, palms facing the camera, and sticking my tongue out. Posting up those pictures was my way of saying to the world, “Look what I got, suckers!”

Now I’m with you, and trust me when I say, you’re the prettiest woman I have ever dated. I would love to show you off, but can we just settle on posting up our relationship status instead of putting all these pictures of us posing for the cameras? It’s not like I’m hiding the relationship, it’s just, pictures mean a little bit more to me than they used to. Look at the pictures of me and my boys. A lot of those were taken years ago, back when we were into showing off our good times. But we’ve grown out of that, and I hope you have too.

Candids are cool. We can let other people take pictures of us dancing, laughing, hugging, maybe even kissing, but none of this business where we ask one of our friends or complete strangers if they can take a picture of us with some scenic view in the background. I mean, those are okay too, but let’s not post them on Facebook. Instead, let’s frame them up and put them at our desk at work or on the shelves in our apartments. Let’s use them as our wallpaper on our phone. Hell, let’s even use them as each other’s caller ID photo. But outsourcing them to the rest of the world to our Facebook friends, the majority of whom we don’t know? Come on, girl. Let’s not and say we did.

Like I said, I’m not trying to hide what we have, I just want what we have to be what we have, not what everyone else has on their time lines. Besides, look at the photos of your friends who do post their couple pics all the time. Doesn’t that look corny to you?

I promise you, baby; when we get married, I won’t even hesitate to post up the wedding pics. We’re probably going to hire an expensive photographer to take the pictures, so we might as well. But until that day comes, let’s keep most of the pictures we take to ourselves and our real friends.

Your Man,



The Process: Day two of the new gig, feels good to be back in a routine, and of course, still sticking with the workout. Now I’m doing reps though to save some time in the morning.

The FOURTEENTH Edition of the POPPIN’ QUESTIONS PODCAST is now UP! Click here to listen.

Categories: Dear Future Girlfriend Tags:
  • Courtney Andrews

    i LOVE it =)

  • Oluslimye Adejackson

    I can throw a co-sign on this. I don’t change my status when in a relationship or post a bunch of lovey dovey status updates for my time line to see. Once you put your relationship out there via social media, you’ve added unnecessary stress. Best believe when you break up and the broken heart shows up next to your name and picture of the 2 of you suddenly changes to you out clubbing with a smile, people will ask questions…lots of them. I don’t want it.

    There’s a lot to be said about people that rush to broadcast their relationships online. Too much for me to say in a comment here.

    Good post.

  • Anthony Springer Jr.

    Amen to this whole post. FB is more trouble than it’s worth when it comes to the infamous “relationship status.” Too many people worrying about FB appearances instead of what’s going on in real life. It’s like we’ve entered the matrix.

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  • Sinnamon

    You make a lot of sense Jozen. I’m not real lovey dovey. Def don’t like broadcasting my relationships. But…I like pictures. I’m guilty of posting pics of my new beau and I out and about. Not a profile pic. That’s a bit much, but in an album of things I did over the weekend. Is there any real harm in that? My FB audience will never know exactly what is going on since I have lots of friends in the same album. Whether he is a friend or more than that, I keep to myself.

  • Anonymous

    I dont even put pictures of myself smiling online. B/c even thats suspect.

    -Ace from the ApolloKidz

  • Rebecca

    I totally agree. I am not in the business of sharing MY facebook profile picture with anyone who isn’t my husband. I have a FB friend who has over 200 profile pics and you can see all of the girls he has loved in the past by going through his profile album. It looks really wild.

  • Chanel

    So true. I never post picutures of all the men I entertain. I like them all but until I’m married who cares…Like one stated it just added stress to the friendship/relationship and everyone wants to know your business in the Matrix. When I see someone posting picutures of that sort. I start asking questions and I’m not ready to answer questions like that so I rather not post!

  • Miss. Riss

    I absolutely love this!!!! I think it is way too cute. And as usual, your postings hit me right at home. The guy I’m dating isn’t really into the whole picture thing, its one of those, we know we were there, we had a good time, why does everyone else need to know about it.

    Its hard because facebook has become this sort of brag book, like you mention, and its almost as if, if you don’t put them up your hiding the relationship. But I guess you just have to be confident enough in your relationship to understand its not all about the pictures.

    Cause it sure does suck when you get those ” how come you took down your pics, did yall break up? ” messages..

  • Mimi

    Jozen, I would leave your ass. This is oneof the most unreasonable rationalizations I’veever read on this blog. I think if I were your future girl, I’d be very irrtated if not baffled at this bullsh*t you just tried to sell me.

    You’re in a relationship. No we shouldn’t see your after s*x pictures on Facebook, but if you want to be cute and corny, you should have the right to do so. I wish I would date a dude and decide he’s worthy of even a mention (let alone a picture) on my profile via facebook and he have an issue with it. He’d be single before he finished his next thought. For a female like me, I’m private… if I EVER put a dude and myself as a DEFAULT (gag) whether I’m showing off, or just feeling that blessed he better smile when he sees it or press LIKE (if by the stretch in the type of men I date he even has a profile).

    Jozen, you’re bugging. In relationships, a part of being in a successful one and a part of being a good man in general is picking your battles. Don’t let Facebook be this serious. This train of thought could be a reason you’re single. =) Im just sayin.

  • Reecie

    I actually agree with this. I don’t really do facebook albums at all anymore. a profile pic I don’t think is THAT big of a deal though…but I understand.

  • TierraChanel

    I <3 my cheesy/corny/lovey pics of me and my Bob Saget look-alike. I don't think its being show-offy. I agree with most things you say, but this . . . well homie — no! But as always, well-written.

  • Lina

    I posted a pic of my ex and I after having been together 4 semesters. It wasn’t a matter of bragging b/c for the longest time only ppl in our close circle knew we were dating. However, it is still in my profile pics cache because 1) I look good in it and 2) I think it would be awkward after all this time to delete it just because we’re not together. Like so what, it’s just a pic.

    On the other hand, my biggest FB pet peeve is the relationship status. Don’t comment congrats unless it’s a real engagement and don’t ask what happened if there’s a break up. My relationship status doesn’t appear so no one knows if i’m taken or single, and if you need FB to know then we’re not that close anyway.

  • Anonymous

    Well, after my last relationship my opinion on Facebook has really changed. The majority of his tagged pictures were from my profile and once the relationship ended I went on a deleting rampage. The only photos I kept up of him and I were from high school graduation and his boot camp grad. I made sure my relationship status was hid from everybody so that when I changed it I wouldn’t get a bunch of, “OMG no, what happened?” because EVERYBODY likes to be in your business when it comes to a break-up. Especially the people who hated seeing you together.

    I know with my next relationship I want it to be as private as possible. The only people who should know him will be my close friends and I’m not gonna change my relationship status b/c that’s when everybody wants to go add the person simply because they were your best friend in kindergarten and feel they too should be friends w/ that person despite the fact that you haven’t talked in 15 years.

    I don’t think there’s anything wrong w/ posting pictures up, but don’t upload the pictures where you’re kissing. I’ve always hated those and thought they look utterly disgusting.

  • Got me by the curlies…

    I mean really to complain about facebook pictures. It seems a bit superficial to me. Your post “Act like a dude” focused on PDA (public displays of affection) and you are complaining about facebook pictures…another form of PDA. That’s what you do on facebook post pics for people to see, show your relationship status and let people know what’s going on in your world.
    I am a guy and the last thing that I care about is what picture my girlfriend post on FB of us. I would rather her have cheezy ass pics of us than pics of her in booty short any day. I am more concerned about how to feed her, make sure that I can provide the things that she wants, keep her interest level up than be concerned about pictures.

  • Tea

    Relationship statuses are wack arnold’s in 2010 too. My FB status will be single until I’m engaged. Then I’m going to put up a profile picture of the ring. Is that allowed?

    The real treat is when your mate doesn’t participate in social media. Nothing says drama-free like a man without a Twitter or Facebook page. This may also indicate that he’s old or married, but I digress.

  • Ne

    Ok, ok I have to say I just had this conversation with my bf & he was straight up said “I don’t do Facebook pictures”…I really didn’t (want to) understand his position, but Jozen your rationale will suffice for today…Thanks for the male insight!

  • Scarlett D

    “This is one of the most unreasonable rationalizations I’ve ever read on this blog.”

    You obviously haven’t read his “women should have sex within a week” post.

    Jozen – I keeed, I keeed!! 🙂

  • A Diva State of Mind

    I agree with this post!! I have seen entire album dedicated to relationships (of people who are not married) and I just wonder, “is that really necessary??” Nothing having all your pics and business in general on social media definitely helps keep things drama free.

  • Scarlett D

    I’ve been called the paparazzi on more than one occasion. I dig pictures and like you said, when you posted pics, all you were doing was bragging on your chick. Well I will continue to brag on my man (when God’s done with him and he actually exists, that is…). I’m not a fan of the changing relationship status all the time or airing your relationship woes via FB, but a pic of the booski? Yes please. I’ve got pics of everyone in my life up, why would he stay hidden?

    It’s cool, I’m not the type of girl for you – cause my man will either dig that I’m so proud of him, or accept that he’s with an oversharing photohound. We all have our preferences.

    Congratulations on the new job 🙂

  • paigeworthy

    “until I’m married who cares”?!

    A lot of people care.
    As trivial as it seems looking back, it all fucking matters!

    Facebook has replaced the physical photo album — that it happens to be public is just a product of the world we live in now.

  • Esquin

    So true indeed… and two snaps to the people who are leave their relationship status off of Facebook. If we really are that close, you would know what MY relationship status is… people love to let everyone into their space and world, and then get mad when people question/comment about it.

    Relationship statuses, albums, posts about how much fun we had last night together… that ish is for the birds. If you really had that much fun, why don’t you just hit me up personally and tell me? Reason: You probably already have and now you want to “show off.”

    So two tips for these ladies who like to write all over their SO’s wall, post pictures, and update their relationship status between “in a relationship/it’s complicated”:
    No one really cares.

    But I must preface that with an “unless they are trying to get at your man.” Oh and second tip… if you feel so compelled to gush over your man on Facebook, wait for him to do so over you first, otherwise you’ll look silly. “Silly Rabbit tricks are for kids…”

  • maxfab

    “Jozen, I would leave your ass.”

    This line killed me dead.

  • maxfab

    Let’s not forget “if we’re not f*cking we’re not kissing”. That was a bit over the top too.

  • maxfab

    I kinda feel you on this. And I’m with Slim on the idea that broadcasting your relationship via social media puts unnecessary stress. But um….have you not considered the possibility that maybe she just likes the damn picture?

    Yeah some (needy, insecure) girls use their profile picture to show off. But sometimes people choose a profile picture just because it’s their favourite picture at the time. If you happen to be in it, oh well.

    I think if she’s putting up the picture for the wrong reason you have a leg to stand on, but in that case I think you have bigger problems on your hands than Facebook.

  • Dwilli62399

    Couldn’t have said it better. Not that we’re tryin to hide anything. Most people I know that do it, do it out of spite/maliciously(just to piss someone else off).

  • BoomShots

    I am not on FB but someone I dated a couple of years back was and unbeknownst to me she was posting pictures of us together on her page. The result was that she was inviting others into to speculate and comment on our relationship and I can tell you it was not for the better. Responding to the feedback she was getting from her people she did a series of missteps that contributed to the rapid decline of the relationship.
    I believe publicizing your relationship in online social media is a indirectly inviting others into your relationship. If you think that may be a problem, you may want to rethink how you want to go about that.

  • v4c

    LOL! I am actually on the co-signing team regarding this post. I choose NOT to post rela pics on networking sites. I choose not to show my rela status AT ALL on facebook. No telling videos or pics until we are WAY deep into our rela…I mean WAY DEEP! Shoot, I’m even hesitant if a man I’m dating snaps a photo of me with clothes on, lol. “What do you plan to do with that photo?” LOL! You gotta be careful these days…photoshop, tmz…

  • Anike Love

    Um sir, your name is pure comedy! Clearly, you have some Nigerian friends lol.

  • Anike Love

    I never really liked putting pics of me and my ex up on Facebook mostly because I didn’t think we were going to last very long anyway and I was right! I don’t know if I would really do it now, not so much because I wouldn’t want to, but because most of life isn’t spent on FB anyway. There would be occasional pics, but my whole wall wouldn’t be flooded with them.

    But it also depends on your dating habits. If you know your butt has a new bf/gf every month, I’m pretty sure you don’t need to be posting new pictures of you and your new beau every time. That just gets tired!

  • Dropsknowledge

    Which is why you’ll never be his future girl….lmao. Different people have different things that work for them, don’t tell the man what to and not to make serious in his life he has his own brain as do you.

  • Dropsknowledge

    You’re also a completely different man. FB and public are different, one is social networking/media and the other is regular everyday life. This is coming from a female but I agree with the profile pic thing. It’s kind of tacky and I don’t like EVERYbody to be too in tune to my life. If I happen to be out taking a stroll in the park and me and my dude are holding hands and someone happens to run into us and see that’s completely different. Organic vs inorganic.

  • Taurusitalia

    I like the perspective Jozen! Geez what did people do before Facebook! LOL! & FB is a place to show off. Whether intentionally or unintentionally, it just happens. Congrats on the new job!!

  • Jermel-Lynn Quillopo

    well said. I’ve always been the type to not put pictures up of my intimate life. Like you said, it is not that I’m ashamed, It’s just that I want it to be private, intimate and untainted.

  • Holly

    Haha, no sooner than I read this, did I see one of my FB friends has put up a pic of him and his new lady!

  • sunt97

    I actually agree with you on this one. I think there is a time and place for everything but constant pictures of your latest fling and the ones still sitting on your profile can be annoying, especially if you are the new fling. I’ll save the cute profile pic for engagement. I like keeping pics of myself and sweets to myself.

    Peace, Love and Chocolate

  • Little Miss Sunshine

    I used to have my status up as simply “in a relationship” when i was in one but refused to tag the guy I was dating. I wanted to make it clear to eff-buddy that we were legit not on anymore but I didn’t need everybody trying to figure out who my man is. If you’re suppose to have that kind of information I’m certain you’ll meet him.

    As far as pictures… if I look good in it- it’s going up. But don’t worry- I”ll crop you out 🙂

  • Liz Tymoc

    We are on the same page on this issue. I like your flow when you write. I would like to buy you a coffee.

  • sg

    I agree with you totally Anthony S. FB is definitely more trouble than its’ worth when it comes to everything in my opinion. I deactivated my account months ago and life has been great! I used to log in all the time and it felt like middle school or something. Life without FB is great and best of all I have my privacy.

  • C. Boardroom Benford

    Jozen, I am cosigning your post. I am not about bragging via Pictures or statuses concerning a relationship. because i truly believe subconsciously people will then try to break up yall two. especially the women you might have had a history with who are your FB friends but did not show the same level of attention to.

    so for me no wedding day pictures, especially no picture of the children i have yet to have and no bf/gf profile pics. somethings you have to kept amongst the two people in the relationship

  • Elizabeth smith

    i totally agree with u jozen. i also hate it when pple write some status like “getting cuddles from my hubby” like WTF? who cares wat u r doing with ur hubby?

    congrats on the new job

    p/s why don’t we go for coffee whenever u’ll come to England…wink..wink…lol

  • Aisha

    I agree Jozen…I won’t change my relationship status on facebook or post statuses about every minute of my relationship not because I don’t want to brag…I want to keep my life private and social media cares more about gossip and hearsay than reality. I’ll post a pic of the ring when I get it…that’s it.

  • IceQueen

    I completely agree with you, Fb has really revealed the attention seekers or perhaps it has made people into attention seekers..either way my relationship status isn’t on my page the full stop. I have seen someone who was MARRIED change his status to its complicated…can you imagine the comments he got underneath that. I thought why the hell are you going to broadcast that you are having marital problems why the hell does Tommy you went to nursery school with and haven’t seen in over 20 years need to know that?!

    When you change your relationship status from in a relationship to single or vice versa this goes on the live feed and everyone can make a commentary on it…

    The profile pics is all about bragging about how loved up you are, how good looking my man/girl is etc. Same with the status update about “me and so and so are having a romantic night in” Who the f**k cares?! Often I find the people who brag or go on about how happy they are have the most drama in their relationship because they rarely keep anything private and have everyone involved in their relationship….

  • Mandi

    I am always posting profile pics of me and assorted people, mostly me and my best male friend, me and my best female friend, with my brother, or some random guy I met in the airport that was wearing a pink tutu.

    I think I would be reluctant and would last consider posting any pics with the SO until we had been established for awhile and it was an exceptionally nice pic, though I positively hate it when people comment “awwww” or “how cute” on couple pics.

    Also I took my relationship status off a long time ago and don’t think I will put it back up “until I get married”… if ever.

  • Scastaneda_22

    makes a lot of sense like the way u think

  • Keis

    I really liked this post. I don’t have a relationship status and I’m not fb friends with my significant other because I don’t think I need to be. If you (as a person in my friend list) don’t know about him, we probably are not that close in the first place. What’s interesting to me, is how many of my friends seem to think that this is weird – as if my relationship is less valid because it isn’t broadcasted or because I can’t fb stalk him, lol.

    I understand that some ppl really like to share their relationship with their network, and that’s fine. Different strokes. I do wonder though about the motivation behind sharing SO much. Posting relationship drama, marital troubles or worse, custody battles, seems like you are inviting way too much speculation into the intimate details of your life.

  • FlyBrownie89

    I am diggin this post! This is a nice new segment def look forward to reading the rest of the letters to her! Jozen you really have an interesting mind.

  • Sandra

    I don’t like it when people update the world on every single minute detail of their lives, especially their love lives, but I don’t see the problem in putting up a picture of you and your boyfriend/girlfriend as a profile picture. It’s not really a matter of bragging or showing off, or even putting your business out there. It’s cool to put up pics with you and a friend or with a sibling, so why is it weird to put up a pic of you and your S.O.? The problem lies if you switch boy/girlfriends at the drop of a hat. Obviously, if you have a new S.O. every other month, then yes, you’re just bragging, and that is actually just sad and pathetic. But if there is a constant in your life and he/she is important, and you feel the need to put it up, I don’t think it’s a big deal.

  • leogoddess

    I got engaged on thanksgiving, I asked this question as well, I was told it was tacky(haters) so I chose to email pics to a selected few. I do have alot of pics up of me and my fiance while I don’t hide my ring (it’s very nice) I don’t show it off either.

  • leogoddess

    To add to this I never had a relationship status until I got engaged. Everyone who needed to know knew. My engagement was no surprise to close friends.