But What If We Fall In Love With Someone Else?
We’re talking about cheating, aren’t we? We’re talking about being with someone we shouldn’t be with because we’re already with someone else. We agree this is wrong, that if we were to partake in something on the side, trust is gone, and so is the relationship.
It’s a guilty indulgence, a selfish act. Cheating, whether it’s emotional or physical is wrong on any level.
But have we ever thought that maybe, possibly, this person we began seeing while we were seeing someone else was the person with whom we were actually in love? And if that is the case, have we done something wrong if we eventually make the decision to break off things with the one we’re with to be with the one we want?
I don’t believe any act of cheating is accidental — I’ve cheated enough times to know that — but I do believe meeting the person with whom we fall in love is rarely, if ever, by design. When I think about the times I cheated, there’s obvious regret for doing something I shouldn’t have done, but underneath is a feeling of resentment for doing such a thing with someone I didn’t really care for in the first place. Sometimes we do things impulsively, just because we want to, just because we can. So rarely do we do things with the willingness to suffer whatever consequences may come our way for making such a decision. Most times, when we cheat, we do it because we want two things, not one thing.
But if we want one person, and it just so happens it overlaps with another person? Is that so wrong?
I suppose on some level it is, but perhaps not maliciously? Sometimes a person tells me about an ex of theirs who cheated on them, and they mention, ever so casually, their ex is still with the person with whom they cheated. And though I do sympathize with the cheated on, I do wonder if their anger is a little misguided, because it’s always easier to be mad at something as tangible as a person than it is to get mad at something as intangible as bad timing. If the person who cheated on us is still with the person they cheated on us with and it’s been two years since that happened, why can’t we separate fact from fiction?
The fiction could be they’re a cheater, an incredibly selfish person who never cared about us as much as they say they did. The facts could be they’re a flawed person who once cared about us as much as they say they did, but unfortunately found someone else they wanted to care about a little more.
I don’t know, but what I do know, what I have learned is cheating just to cheat, doing it with no consideration for anyone’s feelings but my own is a one way ticket to the single life. I never cheated with a girl I wanted to be with should I ever get caught, I cheated to experience the moment, escapism. Do what I want to do, then go back to the life I wanted before the moment crossed my path.
That was back when all I cared about is myself, and now I realize it’s very possible to care about someone else a little bit more than we care about ourselves. Every now and then someone will tell me they’re involved with one person but they have gotten to know someone else and they don’t quite know what to do. I never ask them what’s going on in their present relationship, because it’s really not as important to me as how they feel about this other person. So I say to them they should do whatever they feel is right and before they’re truthful to anyone else, they have to be true to themselves. That’s something I didn’t do back when I was running around seeing all kinds of girls on the side. I thought I was somebody who wanted to be in relationships only to realize what I really wanted to do was be single and act that way.
But some of us don’t want to run around, we just want to be with one person, and sometimes we think that one person is the one we’re with, only to realize it’s not that person, it’s this other person we met in a random encounter. This is why when people ask me if they should explore whatever it is they’re feeling with someone on the side, I tell them to think about the consequences of getting caught. Are they willing to lose the one they’re with to be the one they think about all the time? If not, they should leave it alone. Don’t risk getting caught doing something with someone you don’t want to end up with beyond the moment. But if they think it’s more than a moment they want to be with someone, they should put some space between themselves and the one they’re with, explore whatever it is they’re feeling with the one they’re thinking about, and if it turns out to be substantial enough, proceed with them.
Cheating on someone is universally understood to be wrong, but when we talk about it, I wonder if we ever consider the idea of something deeper, something like falling in love with someone else.
The Process: This morning’s workout, slightly better than yesterday’s, but didn’t go as hard on the cardio. Been eating healthy snacks like raw broccoli and hummus.
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