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We’re Talking About Sleeping With Women With No Nose

December 15th, 2010 Leave a comment Go to comments

Two days ago, I called up my boy to discuss with him yesterday’s post. This was before the piece was published. What I often do is call up at least one of my friends to bounce an idea off them, not for the sake of approval, but to get a better sense of how well it resonates to men besides myself.

As anybody who read yesterday’s post already knows, I wrote about this idea that a lot of women have somewhat of an egotistical attitude about their bedroom skills. And it’s because of this egotistical attitude that they do not know how to take a man’s compliments whenever he speaks highly of those skills. When I asked my boy his thoughts they were kind of jumbled and non-descript, a lot of “yeah, I feel you” and “mmm hmmm.”

Last night, the same friend calls me and soon as I pick up the phone he says, “Yo, man, my bad. I had a girl here so I couldn’t really get into the conversation like I wanted to, but man, you were spitting some gems last night, let me tell you…” From there, my friend went on his own mini rant on the topic I wrote about, which segued into a conversation about other past experiences with other women. It was the conversation he wanted to have the night before but because he was in the company of a female, he had to refrain until he was free.

I can relate to my friend’s dilemma. When I lived with my ex, anytime a friend of mine called I would either ignore the call or pick up the phone and tell them I would call them later. The reason? Nine times out of 10, my boys were calling me to tell me about something they did with another woman or share their thoughts on a situation relating to women. In order for me to really let loose and share my own thoughts about what they had to say, I always felt like I had to be away from my ex. I couldn’t talk the kind of stuff I wanted to talk in the company of a woman out of respect for her ears, but in retrospect I’m wondering if my approach was too extreme?

Men love to BS just like women do, but a lot of times, we don’t BS about the same things women BS about. As the comedian Patrice O’Neal points out in one of his stand up acts, men like to BS about stupid stuff like whether or not they would have sex with a woman who has no nose. As a result, sometimes our BS has the potential to be so disrespectful, if our mothers heard us, they would ground us for two weeks and try to encourage us to find a new group of friends.

When men talk amongst men, and there are no females around to listen, we take the filter off, we refer to women in ways that should be illegal, and if another man can say this doesn’t apply to them, more power to them. But as for me and my boys, sometimes the things we say are no classier than a BET Uncut video. To put it in perspective for the women reading this, she should imagine the most uncensored conversation she has ever had with a man, then imagine a conversation 100 times more profane and bile. Once she can recall it, she then needs to imagine a conversation even worse than that.

This is not to say men can’t have civil conversation amongst ourselves, or need to constantly refer to women in a disrespectful manner, sometimes the fact is, we just don’t want to be proper for the sake of being proper. Yes, I know we probably shouldn’t say things the way we say them, but if it’s just us, why can’t we? And an even more pressing question I have is, if I’m in a committed relationship with a woman, at what point can I start taking off my filter in her presence? Maybe never?

I have always said that sometimes the reason why men are the on their Ps and Qs in front of a woman is because estrogen — through osmosis — has the ability to render men slightly soft. In other words, even if a woman told a man he could say whatever he wanted however he wanted to his friends when she is around, he would still stop short of going full tilt. I sometimes compare it to this hypothetical situation: If my woman said it was completely fine for me to pleasure myself in front of her, I still think I would go into the bathroom and the lock the door to do so by myself. The fact is, I just don’t feel comfortable doing certain things in her presence, and talking BS is one of them.

Not only do I feel uncomfortable with saying exactly how I feel about certain things in front of a woman, I honestly don’t think most women could handle everything men say. What if my friend called me up and wanted me to get his honest thoughts on a situation he has going on with some woman and I wanted to keep it one hundred percent with him? Could I do that in front of a woman, especially a woman I live with, without her judging me? Can I talk to my boy and bring up past experiences I’ve had in the presence of a woman I am presently dating without her getting offended?

I suppose if the tables were turned I wouldn’t want to hear everything my woman says to one of her friends, but the way I would avoid that is encourage her to talk in private or go into the other room myself. Problem is, sometimes, a woman gets suspicious when a man wants to have conversations in the other room, and to a degree, I understand.

But if it’s my friend who calls, and he has something to get off his chest, and in turn it encourages me to get a few things off my chest, I’m sorry but I need to take the call in the other room. She should just trust a man on this, because I don’t know one woman who wants to listen in on a conversation between two men trading stories about the most unusual vocal sounds they’ve ever heard a woman make in the bedroom or why they would or would not sleep with a woman who has no nose.

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The Process: Been slipping on my daily intake of Fish Oil, but finally took a teaspoon today.

XXLMag.com Business: If you get a chance, check out this special package my colleagues and I did on “The 50 Greatest Dr. Dre Beats Of All Time”. Lots of fun with his.

THE SIXTEENTH EDITION of the POPPIN’ QUESTIONS PODCAST! Listen here, please! Also, if you’d like to submit a question for consideration in the seventeenth edition of the Poppin’ Questions Podcast, which I will record tonight, click here.


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  • http://sinnamonnights.blogspot.com/ Sinnamon

    Would I sleep with a man who has no nose? I wouldn’t even know how to begin to answer that question, nor would I want to waste the brain cells to think about it, so this further confirms my suspicions that men have too much too time on their hands to basically just think about dumb stuff…lol good post though.

  • StarryEyed

    This post was kind of pointless. Everyone already knows what men talk about when they’re together and no females are around. A whole lot of nonsense and salacious language, nothing new!

  • Ladybird

    One of my best relationships (while it didn’t work out in the end) was with a man that talked with his friends while at my home. He would often start in the same room but would then take it to another room. It never appeared suspicious as he was often louder in the other room so clearly there was not a whole lot of “under cover” talk. I loved that he felt he could still talk to his friends but gave it a little space so that he was not disrespecting me (with language or discussions). I even told him one day that I liked that he had those convo’s and did not rush his friends off the phone in front of me. I know the level of relationship matters and not all people feel comfortable doing this, but it made me happy to know he felt comfortable enough to carry on. I am not easily offended and growing up around other males, I knew what was said and that it was not said in a hurtful manner (most of the time, lol). Us women also talk about nonsense so to assume that men don’t would be foolish. I, like many, enjoy holding a conversation about serious matter, but at times a silly conversation about nonsense is needed. So…I say do you and talk about that nose-less lady and her groans! :)

  • Aiby36

    Good post Jozen. I seriously don’t want to hear what my man is talking about to his friends. I’ve been privy to a few of these conversations and it’s just awkward when you find out some info about someone you know that you really didn’t want to know about. Although I know what men generally talk about with other men, it’s a completely different thing to actually be in the middle of the conversation.

  • Who dat.

    I think it’s sad Jozen… not the post, the post was good… I think it’s sad that you feel you need to hide basically who you are from your woman… is that not what’s happening here? I pray to God my relationship with my s/o is deeper than some frivolous conversations he has with his friends… I pray to God my s/o finds me more light-spirited than to judge him based on something as miniscule as talking sh!t with a friend of his… I miss that closeness. You know… no secrets. That comfort of being in the room with someone so intune with you that it’s like you’re there with a part of yourself. Why do y’all feel that way? That if we’re alone and a call comes I’m going to hold what’s said against you… why? You’re wrong. Give us the opportunity to be understanding… and maybe even chill, I’m sure you’ll be surprised by what you discover.

    PS… a lot of those comedy shows with men talking about all the vulgar isht they say to each other have women in the audience as well… laughing right along with them.

  • Kayla

    Some of you people shouldn’t take this post to heart. Get over it already!!!

  • http://twitter.com/slimjackson Oluslimye Adejackson

    Yeah…gotta cosign Brandon on this one. Some of the things I heard when chilling with a group of women are…I mean…I gotta go.lol.

  • http://twitter.com/slimjackson Oluslimye Adejackson

    I used to date a girl that I was friends with beforehand for a while and we used to say any and all things in front of each other. References to past frolicks weren’t uncommon. However, once we were officially in a relationship that changed because it made both sides a bit uncomfortable. I think a lot of this has to do with expectations and respect. And a lot of times, a woman doesn’t just wanna be considered one of the fellas listening to recklessness. She wants to think she’s more special than that and that there’s a different level of respect. There has to be boundaries. I don’t think me sitting in the same room on the couch being able to talk about old romps or give raunchy advice to one of the boys while sitting next to my girl makes our relationship any more meaningful. That’s just me though. As long as folks are on the same page about expectations, then all should be well.

  • Missvion01

    ROTFLMAO!!! I can hear my BF talking with his friends “no nose? Who cares? What does her a** look like?”

    Jozen – I hope you find a woman like me who enjoys the fact that my man can speak freely without being in fear of me judging him. I’m sure he’s overheard me cackling with girls about the trashiest, nastiest, un-lady like things you ever did see. And sometimes it gets really real, lol

    Once the figurative “honeymoon” period is over you start being who you really are in front of your partner. And if you’re blessed enough you can appreciate the fact that what you see is what you get. If what you see still makes your heart sing even after knowing that he is discussing the smasability of a chick with no nose, then boo you got a keeper. She’s out there, just don’t settle
    Best,
    Kiana

  • Jiveleigh

    I think both men and women engage in vulgar conversations, they just keep it within the gender of their own. Plenty of things I’d tell my girlfriends that I wouldn’t dare say in front of a man because it is dirty/rude/freaky.

  • Kae-Toya

    lol lol

  • Nadira Rae

    Well, women have the ability to talk just as grimy/ dirty as men can lol. There’s no filter when I talk with my male friends…especially one of my best friends. If you saw a transcript from our conversations, you’d think it was 2 men talking lol. Some women have the tendency to talk that way amongst themselves as well (like I do with some of my close girlfriends). But the whole ‘no nose’ thing reminds me of a time when I was in college and talking to one of my boys on the phone. Somehow we got on the topic of having sex with a midget (yay or nay)…so he decided to make a bunch of random calls to his boys on campus (I was listening in on 3-way) to see if they would have sex with a midget, a chick with no arms, etc. The responses were HILARIOUS. I love the no holds barred conversations with guys!

  • CourtyJ

    Release.
    Talking to your friends is a release.
    The things you didn’t get to say in the moment you wanted to or the expletives you should never use because your an adult and should act like one in public, the raunchy random thoughts that are downright embarrassing but also funny as hell, we are lucky to be able to share with friends.

    Ladies get your uppity ass off that high horse. You’ve called your CURRENT boyfriend or the man you knew you were still gonna sleep with a dumb ass n***a or a piece of sh*t before because he forgot to buy the movie tickets on fandango to your girl(s).
    You’ve told your girls about how his ex thinks she’s cute and you saw this cute skully cap & black knee high boots that would make for fun photos as you spray paint her car.
    You’ve also told stories about that football player with the broad shoulders who you “climbed” while in college. Or… maybe not exactly, but you get what I’m saying.

    Yes, you were joking, no you wouldn’t do it (or do it again), but it feels GOOD to say it and that’s part of the joys of having friends. Your friends are your sanity. You can trust them to confine your “crazy” or your off color commentary. It’s no different for men and though the subject/content may differ and may be more blunt or brash or harsh, they are MEN, damnit. Please leave your man room to be a manly while around his friends.

    I do have one opposed response to a question Jozen had in regards to men’s private commentary.

    Excerpt from the post: “This is not to say men can’t have civil conversation amongst ourselves, or need to constantly refer to women in a disrespectful manner, sometimes the fact is, we just don’t want to be proper for the sake of being proper. Yes, I know we probably shouldn’t say things the way we say them, but if it’s just us, why can’t we?”

    I beleive that respect for women & particularly YOUR woman is absolutely necessary to show in front of and to your boys. Though the majority of it is joking and playing, it is hypocritical after a while to say you care for someone yet you say “derogatory” things or engage in oversexualized talk about her or any other woman. You want your boys to treat her with respect, you’ll have to show them that you respect her. And for the betterment of your crew, as you get older, you should grow out of some of the off kilter stuff. Even Jay-Z looks back embarrassed at “Big Pimpin”.

    Just my thoughts.

    😉

  • Kema

    One of my favorite conversation with my bff was what we would do if one of us woke up with a d***. I said I would want to experience oral. Being the bff she was she let me know that she would orally stimulate me immediately if need be. Thats what friends are for! lol!

  • Jess

    I think you bring up a good point. Sometimes, there are conversations that are best taken in another room. It has nothing to do with how much the person trusts his or her s/o; there are just some topics that are only discussed with friends. It’s natural to feel uncomfortable taking off the filter with a s/o even years later because, in most cases, people want to seem presentable and respectable to their partners for the duration of the relationship. If any boyfriend of mine talked to me the way he talks to his boys, we would’ve had a problem — not because I haven’t heard it before (my friends and I get kind of out of control ourselves), but because I’m not one of his boys, and he’s not one of my girls.

    It also gets into the fact that sometimes, two people in a relationship need their own space, away from their s/o. Why would I need to know what he’s talking about with his friends? As long as he’s not disrespecting ME (or doesn’t hold some negative fundamental beliefs about all women–i.e. women ain’t sh*t and all that mess) and I’m not disrespecting HIM, why do we need to be all in each other’s business? It’s not necessary.

    Now if you don’t trust your man / woman, you’ve got another problem altogether…

  • Miss.Riss

    Its much easier to get used to hearing your bf talk like that when you have male friends. My best friend is a dude and the conversations we have make me shake my head in shame and disgust but crack up laughing at the same time. Once you realize men (and women) can have these conversations but still be the same normal good hearted person you know them to be, its much easier to listen to them and shoot participate in them once in awhile.

    I do agree that sometimes, no matter what the topic, it just feels better to talk in a seperate area. It just feels so rude and awkward to be yapping in front of someone.

  • http://wwwinmycomfortzone.blogspot.com/ Southern Poise

    “I have always said that sometimes the reason why men are the on their Ps and Qs in front of a woman is because estrogen — through osmosis — has the ability to render men slightly soft.”

    I soo agree with this statement. I was with someone who was very respectful. I never heard him say anything off the wall, or slightly uncomfortable, no curse words, or anything off balance, not even in front of his boys, who might be having a conversation about some female (probably cause I was there). But after we weren’t together anymore, in phone coversations, every so often, a MF, OR B or something slightly vexing (not directed at me), would come out. I was like, WOW, who is this person? And we hadn’t been broke off that long, less than a year.

    I agree you should have your space to have a conversation with your boys. It’s true women do sometimes feel like you going in another room can become suspicious activity that must be monitored a little annoying, because we do talk in front of you, on the phone, or even with our female friends present.

  • Doesn’t Matter

    This makes me wonder if women truly know the men they are dating.