I Just Called To Tell You That I Found Someone New
Then I CC’d every girl I’d see see ’round town
© – André 3000
I wasn’t cc’d or even sent a text message, at least my ex had the courtesy call and tell me she was going to have a baby. The only thing more shocking than the news itself was the call itself. We made a deal early in our breakup to cut off contact with one another and with the exception of a couple of missteps by yours truly, we both did a great job of holding up our ends of the bargain. So when I received a voicemail from her telling me to call her back, I was taken aback. When I finally did get back in touch with her and she shared the news with me, I was taken down.
For my long time readers, you know how the rest of the story goes, so I’ll refrain from divulging more details because today’s post isn’t about that specific phone call. Today’s post is about the phone call, or the email, or the text, or the instant message, or, in a very rare instance, the face-to-face news we receive from a past lover that they are moving on in some form or fashion with someone else. Why do they bother and more importantly why do we care?
I suppose I should preface this by saying I don’t know the exact answer to this question. I can’t speak for everyone who has ever done such a thing, but then again, I think most people who read this blog know I have no more answers to life’s questions than the next person does. All I know is what it’s like to be told by someone you once thought you were going to marry that they’re going to get married to someone else, or someone you with whom you thought you were going to have a family, is going to have a family with someone else.
Why did these women bother telling me such things when I never asked to know in the first place?
Well, they all gave me their reasons, and I could get into the specifics of those reasons, but why bother? It’s really never a good enough reason when we initially hear the news. It’s not like I ever woke up a day in my life hoping to hear from an ex who is saying she found the love of her life and her name is not mine. Besides, we’re moving on just the same, right? They don’t get a phone call from us saying, “Hey, guess what? I found someone new. Who is it? Oh, it’s me. Me. By myself. Yep, I’ve found myself and I’m loving myself more everyday and I’m so happy I’ve moved on without you.”
I don’t make a phone call like that because I do believe it would kind of be wrong. So what makes it right when they call me to basically say the same thing except instead of bragging about how they found themselves, they’re boasting about finding someone else?
This is the question I get mostly from my female readers. There was once a man in their life who said he was going to marry them or who they thought was the one to marry them. Then it doesn’t work out, and they move on, only to get the news from them that they have found someone else they’re going to marry or someone else with whom they’re going to have a baby. Their stories always lead to the same question, “Why did he call to tell me that?”
Well, let’s be clear that men get these calls from women too. As a matter of fact, there’s a part of me that believes when a woman finally does find a man who puts a ring on it they are salivating at the opportunity to share the news with all their past men. They can’t wait to say, “Hey, idiot, guess what I got? A ring. Oh and it comes with a man who wants to be with me for the rest of my life. Boom!”
But most of me believes the reason we really want to share the news about a future with someone else to a person from our past, is because we once thought the person from our past was going to be the person in our future. Sometimes we miss people who we are no longer with, and just because we found someone to be with for the rest of our lives, doesn’t mean we stop. As I used to tell my ex when we were going through our on again off again phase, you don’t have to be with me to love me. To this day I believe that to be true.
The second question, which I believe is the better question we have to ask ourselves is this: If we have moved on as much as we say we have, then why do we care so much when the person from our past calls to tell us they moved on?
I would be lying if I said ex-girlfriends who called to tell me they were engaged to be married or having a family with someone else sounded like my music to my ears. Like I said up top, those aren’t the phone calls I’m ever waiting for. But if I can guess one reason why I cared when they called, it’s probably the same reason they cared enough to call me. I, like her, thought that it was going to be me they were talking about on the other end of the phone, not someone else.
It turned out differently, way more differently than I thought it would, but if it’s one thing I’m relieved to know, it’s that no matter how differently it turned out to be, it all turned out to be okay.
The Process: Headed home today, wish me safe travels please.
Still haven’t recorded the new podcast, apologies, but will definitely do so either late tonight when I arrive home or early tomorrow, in the meantime, THE SIXTEENTH EDITION of the POPPIN’ QUESTIONS PODCAST! Listen here, please! Also, if you’d like to submit a question for consideration in the seventeenth edition of the Poppin’ Questions Podcast, click here.