Her Dream Man Is Standing Near Me, But I’m The One Talking
I know a man, he’s a friend of mine. By any measure we want to use, he is a good man. If we measure the quality of a man by education, he has that in spades. If we measure the quality of a man by physical attractiveness, I have no opinion of him, but as a couple of my ex-girlfriends have said to me, “He’s a good looking guy.” If we want to measure the quality of a man by his career, he has a stable job that involves helping others. If we want to measure the quality of a man by the good that is in his heart, well, he’s one of my best friends for a reason; as a matter of fact, if my sister were single and I had to choose one friend to match her up with, it would be this man. If we want to measure the quality of a man by his relationships with other women, he’s never cheated and never had a one night stand. If we want to measure the quality of man by his willingness to settle down and have a family, he has spoken to me countless times about how he’s ready for that phase in his life.
Did I mention he is single? Yeah, that too.
So having said all that, are any of you ladies interested in meeting this man? Probably so, but unfortunately you won’t. Here’s why.
My friend I speak of is also one of the most reclusive people I know. He’s not socially awkward by any stretch of the imagination, but he is not sociable, if that makes any sense. There’s nothing about him I dislike, but his whole stay-inside-and-when-we-go-out-stand-against-the-wall approach to women really grinds my gears. I tell this brother all the time, “Dude, get up, get out, and get at these women if it’s a woman you want.” But he rarely listens.
In my man’s defense, there’s a lot of men out there just like him. Perfectly eligible bachelors ready to be taken home to meet some woman’s family are everywhere but where they need to be, and yet, women get frustrated with men like me.
To hear a woman tell it, all they’re meeting is men who aren’t ready to settle down, who are only after one thing. This is why they get tired of the club/lounge/bar scene. They don’t want to go to anymore parties because all that’s there are men who are more about one night then they are about one life. And you know what, they’re right.
As Grandmaster Flash once famously said, “It’s like a jungle sometimes.” That is what the social scene is in any city, in any state. It is a jungle, so why get upset when you come across men who are acting like lions, actively pursuing women like they are prey? Want to see us get poached? Call out the reinforcements, men like my boy I just described.
Sorry for the extended metaphor, back to reality…
Women constantly want to talk about where the best places are to meet some good men, but that’s the wrong way to strategize. First of all, are men are good, just in different ways. Secondly, men like me, the ones they’re not looking for, are everywhere. We’re at the club, we’re at church, we’re at the library, we’re at the bar. Ditto for the men who aren’t like me at all. They’re everywhere I am, though some spots less frequently than others. Essentially, nowhere is safe from men like me, and everywhere has some men like my boy.
The issue of where to look pales in comparison to the issue of whom to look for. Take the club for instance. When out at some club looking for a man with the most potential to settle down, start with the guys on the wall. These are the men who are looking for the same thing most women want, but for whatever reason, they’re too shy to speak up. I know that may not sound appealing, but this approach is not demonstrative of their character. In other words, they’re only standing against the wall because they’re not in their element, and we all act a little differently when out of our comfort zones.
For any woman who wants to complain about how all of this sounds like way too much work, you won’t hear an argument out of me. Females need to stop getting upset with guys like me who go out and get exactly what they want, just because what I want isn’t what they want. Instead, their frustration needs to be directed at men like my boy who are sitting at home waiting for women like them. Me, and guys like me, are proactive about getting what they want. The men who want to find women to hook up with go out and get them. Hell, some of them will even be bold enough to say, “I don’t want anything more than this one night.” But how many men out there who are ready to settle down take the same approach with finding a woman to settle down with? When is the last time a man has been bold enough to say to a woman, “I want more than this one night. I want as many nights as we live.”
The men I know who are married, most of them were built for it at a very young age. Recently, I sat down with four of my best friends from high school, two of whom are married. When I thought about our lives now versus the lives we lived in high school, I find it fascinating how much went unchanged. The men who are married are also the same friends who never really went to the high school dances, with the exception of prom. Those of us who aren’t married, practically went to every single dance the school offered. What this said to me is, ultimately, most men get it how they live from a very young age. The type of man who has girlfriend after girlfriend after girlfriend in high school will probably take years to grow out of such a pattern, whereas the man who only had one girlfriend in high school, will probably repeat that pattern with her or someone else in his years as an adult.
None of this is to say men who want to settle down don’t do as the men who don’t want to settle down. As I have suggested, men who want a woman for one night and men who want a woman for a lifetime can and do co-exist with one another. We hit the same spots together more often than anyone can imagine, it’s just once we get there we’re standing in two different areas. For any woman who wants a guy like me, you can find me on the dance floor in a woman sandwhich or chatting it up at the bar. All those ladies interested in men like my friend who is ready to find Mrs. Right, have you tried the wall yet? Happy hunting.
The Process: Flight leaving tonight to Boston, followed by a train ride into NYC, and then a cab ride to Harlem.
The Poppin’ Questions Podcast was recorded last night, but I’m waiting on Jermaine to put it up.
HUGE THANKS: Last night, Until I Get Married logged it’s 10,000th comment. Thank you all for all the feedback, dissenting opinions, and responses to the things I write. Ironically, it means more to me than I can ever express in words.