My title
Home > dating, guys, things a woman should do, women > Her Dream Man Is Standing Near Me, But I’m The One Talking

Her Dream Man Is Standing Near Me, But I’m The One Talking

December 30th, 2010 Leave a comment Go to comments

I know a man, he’s a friend of mine. By any measure we want to use, he is a good man. If we measure the quality of a man by education, he has that in spades. If we measure the quality of a man by physical attractiveness, I have no opinion of him, but as a couple of my ex-girlfriends have said to me, “He’s a good looking guy.” If we want to measure the quality of a man by his career, he has a stable job that involves helping others. If we want to measure the quality of a man by the good that is in his heart, well, he’s one of my best friends for a reason; as a matter of fact, if my sister were single and I had to choose one friend to match her up with, it would be this man. If we want to measure the quality of a man by his relationships with other women, he’s never cheated and never had a one night stand. If we want to measure the quality of man by his willingness to settle down and have a family, he has spoken to me countless times about how he’s ready for that phase in his life.

Did I mention he is single? Yeah, that too.

So having said all that, are any of you ladies interested in meeting this man? Probably so, but unfortunately you won’t. Here’s why.

My friend I speak of is also one of the most reclusive people I know. He’s not socially awkward by any stretch of the imagination, but he is not sociable, if that makes any sense. There’s nothing about him I dislike, but his whole stay-inside-and-when-we-go-out-stand-against-the-wall approach to women really grinds my gears. I tell this brother all the time, “Dude, get up, get out, and get at these women if it’s a woman you want.” But he rarely listens.

In my man’s defense, there’s a lot of men out there just like him. Perfectly eligible bachelors ready to be taken home to meet some woman’s family are everywhere but where they need to be, and yet, women get frustrated with men like me.

To hear a woman tell it, all they’re meeting is men who aren’t ready to settle down, who are only after one thing. This is why they get tired of the club/lounge/bar scene. They don’t want to go to anymore parties because all that’s there are men who are more about one night then they are about one life. And you know what, they’re right.

As Grandmaster Flash once famously said, “It’s like a jungle sometimes.” That is what the social scene is in any city, in any state. It is a jungle, so why get upset when you come across men who are acting like lions, actively pursuing women like they are prey? Want to see us get poached? Call out the reinforcements, men like my boy I just described.

Sorry for the extended metaphor, back to reality…

Women constantly want to talk about where the best places are to meet some good men, but that’s the wrong way to strategize. First of all, are men are good, just in different ways. Secondly, men like me, the ones they’re not looking for, are everywhere. We’re at the club, we’re at church, we’re at the library, we’re at the bar. Ditto for the men who aren’t like me at all. They’re everywhere I am, though some spots less frequently than others. Essentially, nowhere is safe from men like me, and everywhere has some men like my boy.

The issue of where to look pales in comparison to the issue of whom to look for. Take the club for instance. When out at some club looking for a man with the most potential to settle down, start with the guys on the wall. These are the men who are looking for the same thing most women want, but for whatever reason, they’re too shy to speak up. I know that may not sound appealing, but this approach is not demonstrative of their character. In other words, they’re only standing against the wall because they’re not in their element, and we all act a little differently when out of our comfort zones.

For any woman who wants to complain about how all of this sounds like way too much work, you won’t hear an argument out of me. Females need to stop getting upset with guys like me who go out and get exactly what they want, just because what I want isn’t what they want. Instead, their frustration needs to be directed at men like my boy who are sitting at home waiting for women like them. Me, and guys like me, are proactive about getting what they want. The men who want to find women to hook up with go out and get them. Hell, some of them will even be bold enough to say, “I don’t want anything more than this one night.” But how many men out there who are ready to settle down take the same approach with finding a woman to settle down with? When is the last time a man has been bold enough to say to a woman, “I want more than this one night. I want as many nights as we live.”

The men I know who are married, most of them were built for it at a very young age. Recently, I sat down with four of my best friends from high school, two of whom are married. When I thought about our lives now versus the lives we lived in high school, I find it fascinating how much went unchanged. The men who are married are also the same friends who never really went to the high school dances, with the exception of prom. Those of us who aren’t married, practically went to every single dance the school offered. What this said to me is, ultimately, most men get it how they live from a very young age. The type of man who has girlfriend after girlfriend after girlfriend in high school will probably take years to grow out of such a pattern, whereas the man who only had one girlfriend in high school, will probably repeat that pattern with her or someone else in his years as an adult.

None of this is to say men who want to settle down don’t do as the men who don’t want to settle down. As I have suggested, men who want a woman for one night and men who want a woman for a lifetime can and do co-exist with one another. We hit the same spots together more often than anyone can imagine, it’s just once we get there we’re standing in two different areas. For any woman who wants a guy like me, you can find me on the dance floor in a woman sandwhich or chatting it up at the bar. All those ladies interested in men like my friend who is ready to find Mrs. Right, have you tried the wall yet? Happy hunting.

——————————————————————————————

The Process: Flight leaving tonight to Boston, followed by a train ride into NYC, and then a cab ride to Harlem.

The Poppin’ Questions Podcast was recorded last night, but I’m waiting on Jermaine to put it up.

HUGE THANKS: Last night, Until I Get Married logged it’s 10,000th comment. Thank you all for all the feedback, dissenting opinions, and responses to the things I write. Ironically, it means more to me than I can ever express in words.

Categories: dating, guys, things a woman should do, women Tags:
  • Shawntelrenee

    Very, very interesting take Jozen! I might glance at the wall one day soon. 😉

  • http://twitter.com/solidcelly Celly Richy

    “The issue of where to look pales in comparison to the issue of whom to look for.”

    Great Post!

  • StarryEyed

    This is good! Your title should have been, “Have You Tried the Wall Yet?” Lol..I love it! I’ll be eying the wall tomorrow night for sure! 😉

  • http://twitter.com/NaturallyMe_ SimplyBeautiful

    Love it! So often the focus is on the guy at the bar or by the DJ, you never would think ‘he’ would be on the wall. Funny because she may be sitting just few tables next to the wall he’s up agaist. Both not knowing the other is out of their comfort zone.

  • Lisa

    Very nice post Jozen….thanks for the insight.

  • Bee

    great intro!

  • Rogue Thought

    I totally agree but the same goes with women too. So presumably the two people standing next to each other on the wall should just turn to the person next to them and say hi.

  • esoteric

    Interesting… cause I’m that girl holding the purses… most assume she’s the ugly one… actually I’m not.. (keeping it real: I’m not the baddest out of the bunch either) I’m just the one that decided to leave my freak um dress at home (yes I do own some) and wear a cashmere turtleneck to the club instead… I am the one man woman…. the chick that cooks gourmet meals, is attracted to all the guys with potential and dreams, the chick that picks up the cleaners, educated, heart of gold and a credit score and smile to match… and I’m not anti-social or a prude… I’ll admit amongst friends I’m going toe to toe in the dougie contest… actually I’m the life of the party… but at the club… I’m just out of my element… so how do I meet the guy standing up against the wall while I’m buried under the purses… camouflaged to keep the one night stand boys away? tsk tsk… I’mma just keep believing in fate, fairytales… and beautiful nightmares!

  • Guest

    first time I’ve felt compelled to comment…thanks for the honesty and the advice of this post. someone has to take the first step in the dating ‘dance’ and maybe your insight will inspire that.

  • scout

    🙂 Great post. Thanks.

  • papaya

    well written my dear!! im glad ur back btw! & some men on the wall are just scoping out which honeydip they gon take home..azzes aint shy at all..lol them shy ones arent always the innocent ones..theyll get yo azz lol

  • http://twitter.com/caribbeanBleu Jinx The Chase

    Tell him to not let too much time pass before he makes a move on someone he sees that he wants. He’ll miss out.

  • Cheekie

    Hmm, what sucks is that I’m lookin’ for a man on some long-term ish, but I STAY on the dance floor! LOL I might try that approach, even though I cannot stand when a man is too cool to dance. 🙂

  • A Diva State of Mind

    Not necessarily…I’m a woman that loves to be on the dance floor with the rest of them, but I’m not looking for a one night stand. This post for the most part is true, but as stated, some guys that are looking for more than a one night stand may also be the ones on the dance floor. And as another person commented, not every guy standing on the wall is out of their element, looking for more than a one night stand. Some of them are checking out the ladies to determine who they want to approach.

  • Guest

    tell those girls to hold their own purses. Case closed.

  • Pingback: Tweets that mention Today's Until I Get Married post, "Her Dream Man Is Standing Near Me, But I'm The One Talking"... -- Topsy.com()

  • Anonymous

    “Instead, their frustration needs to be directed at men like my boy who are sitting at home waiting for women like them.”

    And in the same way, women need to get out of the house if they’re looking to date and find someone special. (trying to take my own advice)

    But to that dude standing on the wall or at the bar quiet cause you’re “out of your element”, if I girl does chat with you, respond! *rolls eyes*

  • <3

    How do suggest female home-bodies connect with male home-bodies… To make warm-bodies 🙂

  • me

    How do you suggest female homebodies connect with male homebodies to make… WARM bodies 🙂

  • Volt

    Quite an interesting post and this is actually my first time commenting after being a lurker for a while. You hit a lot of things right on the money. There are also somethings to consider. It is undeniable that the primary element that sparks interest in the social scene is attractiveness; albeit in the eyes of the beholder. Like you said, the social scene is a jungle, in every city and every state(questionable). The thing is this jungle atmosphere automatically causes most women to step their guard up……waayy up, and it’s understandable with the level of aggression that men display. A lady moving 15 feet across a room is like walking through a pack of lions. If your buddy who is the ‘ideal’ man is the end of the room, he will just appear to be another lion that wants some meat. I once took a female friend of mine to a club, and left her for 2 mins to say hi to a buddy of mine 10 ft across the room and she was approached like 5 times.The ball is really in the women’s court, who get to decide who they wanna talk to, and when it comes to down to it, they go unconsciously go for attractiveness, the over-aggressive ones (aka would not give up) or ‘swag’. Sometimes, it get’s so aggressive that dudes go for just anything, and ladies that you would consider not very attractive by most standards act pricey, and a friendly hello is retorted with a perfect eye-roll. I have always believed a lot of women use the club scene to boost self-esteem. The guy on the wall is just chillin and scoping up the place, and figuring out who he is genuinely attracted to. When he decides to make a move, “talk to the hand…you are just another one looking for booty”. It’s about time women do the talking, and the man gets to determine if she is the ideal one.

  • SB

    Nice post. I agree with everything you wrote. Actually, I don’t enjoy the club either, so the last time I was out with my girls, standing on the wall… I noticed a guy standing on the wall too. I noticed one really loud chick who was all on the dance floor try her luck at him. He just gave her the side eye. A little while later, I simply stood beside him and asked, “Why are you on the wall all alone.” He responded with something clever, and we struck up a conversation from there. Just like you said, he’s the guy that wants to settle down. Nice, doesn’t really enjoy the club, blah, blah, blah. So what happened, you ask?? I was on vacay!! He lives up north and me… WAY down south! We chatted for a while, but, I don’t do long distance relationships… womp, womp, womp!!! ‘But the moral of this story is that your methods have been tried and proven. 🙂

  • http://liferequiresmorechocolate.blogspot.com/ sunt97

    Don’t we all just hate that.

    Peace, Love and Chocolate
    Tiffany

  • Pingback: I used to stand near the wall | Adrian Mercado()

  • Pingback: Embracing Me in 2011 | Three Ways to Take It()

  • Anonymous

    Isn’t this why guys have wingmen? Thought you were supposed to help each other out….

  • http://twitter.com/Tavonna Tavonna Miller

    Hmmm…food for thought 🙂 Thanks

  • HollywoodBabe

    I’m a chick, & I have to say, U sound like a really great girl. So my advice-stay out of the club looking-I mean, do people still go there to find relationships? Puhlease. Get On-Line. I live in a big city–Los Angeles–& no1’s really going to approach U nowadays-every1’s afraid of rejection-they look-but they won’t say anything-& I won’t either to a guy. The best way I feel to find great guys & guys U’re seeking is on line social sites-U post exactly what U’re looking for-weed out profiles, email & message back & forth, U read who they are & what they are about & are looking for & U eventually speak over the phone when U’re ready-then plan a date. I have been dating on line off & on forever–my last serious relationship of nearly 2 years was from an on-line personals.. & more & likely that is where I will find my husband as I am on a few sites as we speak! I love it- I hardly ever meet guys in public-& the 1’s who approach me I NEVER am interested in them-they’re never my type. So try it! Don’t rely on the Club to find a man! Especially as U get older & more serious–it’s just a waste of time-use it for a girl’s night out, but that’s about it! [all the best*]

  • HollywoodBabe

    My advice-stay out of the club looking-I mean, do people still go there to find relationships? Puhlease. Get On-Line. I live in a big city–Los Angeles–& no1’s really going to approach U nowadays-every1’s afraid of rejection-they look-but they won’t say anything-& I won’t either to a guy. The best way I feel to find great guys & guys U’re seeking is on line social sites-U post exactly what U’re looking for-weed out profiles, email & message back & forth, U read who they are & what they are about & are looking for & U eventually speak over the phone when U’re ready-then plan a date. I have been dating on line off & on forever–my last serious relationship of nearly 2 years was from an on-line personals.. & more & likely that is where I will find my husband as I am on a few sites as we speak! I love it- I hardly ever meet guys in public-& the 1’s who approach me I NEVER am interested in them-they’re never my type. So try it! Don’t rely on the Club to find a man! Especially as U get older & more serious–it’s just a waste of time-use it for a girl’s night out, but that’s about it! [all the best*]

  • Rosie

    You know what ? This can also be applied to females as well. I’m much like your friend, I’m not antisocial, but I tend to retreat in areas where I do not know a lot of people, and as a consequence, men don’t approach me, because I’m shy, they think I’m stuck up, or they assume I don’t want to be bothered.