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Five Things I Won’t Be Doing Until I Get Married

We all have these rules for our premarital relationships. Some of them are big picture rules like, no cohabitation or intercourse before marriage. Other rules are more nuanced like the rule I gave myself that I won’t be having s*x without a condom or if I owned a really nice car, no girlfriends are allowed to drive it.

Whatever the rules we may be, some of them are quite ridiculous. And, the longer a lot of us go without getting hitched, the more rules we add, and the more ridiculous the rules can get. For example, the list below, my sampling of five things I have decided I won’t be doing until I get married. Don’t know if I did this list before (too lazy to read back), but I’m sure I’ve never done a list with these five things.

NO GAME SHOWS TOGETHER

The other day I was watching the new game show, “Million Dollar Drop” and there was a girlfriend/boyfriend team trying to win the game. Of course, no matter the status of the couple, any high stakes game is going to test their patience with each other. For that very reason I believe it’s best couples are married before they go on any type of game show together. Even if they win the game, there’s still a matter of maintaining a relationship with each other after they raise their arms in victory, and if the reward they get for winning is something like six to seven figures, how ugly would that breakup be? I will never understand what possesses two people who aren’t married to do something as high stakes as “Million Dollar Drop”.

NO FACEBOOK RELATIONSHIP STATUS

I’ve written about this before, my staunch defense against posting any type of relationship status between a man and a woman. Within the past few years, people have blown a relationship status on Facebook way out of proportions, so much so that by the time I have kids, I’m convinced it’s going to be their generations version of “I’m having a baby.” Seriously, get ready for MTV to make a show in 10 years entitled, “16 an In A Relationship on Facebook.” The fact is, he’s just a boyfriend, she’s just a girlfriend, and just because it’s on Facebook doesn’t make the relationship anymore or less real. What is real is marriage. We can put that status up on our profiles, but until then, can we refrain from posting up the status of our lightweight love affairs.

NO PETS TOGETHER

Not even a goldfish. On my own, I would get emotionally invested in any pet I bring into my life. To have my own emotions compounded with the emotions of a girlfriend who bought or adopted the pet with me is just asking for a messier break up than what is already necessary, even if the goldfish stays with me.

NO HIS AND HERS ANYTHING

Fragrances, body wash, and other hygiene products are perfectly acceptable things to separate by gender, but slippers? Absolutely not. If my girlfriend ever got me a male version of anything she owned, I would put it on eBay.

NO GOING TO A PITTSBURGH STEELERS GAME

A while back, a reader of mine asked me if I would do her the pleasure of attending a Pittsburgh Steelers game with her in Pittsburgh. Caught up in the flattery of the invitation, I obliged, but unfortunately couldn’t attend because the date for the game conflicted with the time I would be visiting my family in California. When I told her I couldn’t attend the game due to my schedule, I did tell her to feel free to ask me to go some other time and I would make it happen.

Well, my dear reader who invited me to the Pittsburgh Steelers game, after much thought, I must decline any future invitation to a Pittsburgh Steelers game at Heinz Field. The fact is, if I ever go to a Pittsburgh Steelers game with some girl to whom I’m not married, I’m destined to make some rash decision based on emotions that have nothing to do with true love. Especially if it’s a home game.

Picture this, a thrilling victory. The game is an AFC Championship game, in overtime, the opposing team has the ball, and is driving down the field when all of a sudden Troy Polamalu makes an interception and runs it into the end zone for a touchdown. Then, he tosses the ball into the stands and it lands right in my hands. If the only reason why any of that happened to me is because a girlfriend brought me to the game, I just know I’m going to get so caught up in the moment, I’m going to ask her to marry me, and buy her the ring right after the game. How could I break up with her? Even better question, what if I did break up with her and she took the ball back? Devasting. Far too devasting for a boyfriend and girlfriend to handle.

So there’s a small sampling of my list. What do you guys have?

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  • Dancinggreenapple

    Funny post! If I had to add one – I will NOT be doing any man’s laundry…until I get married. And no explanation needed. :)

  • Cookie

    My main rule is no combining of finances, household bills, or auto insurance (along with no cohabitation). After evaluating, I have figured that combining these things is a benefit of marriage…why not stay in my lane until I make that jump?

  • Dancinggreenapple

    Oh and no professional Family Christmas photos/cards being taken together or mailed out for the holidays… Save that for when we both have the same last name! “Happy Holidays from the [insert OUR last name here] family!

  • ylneverknow

    I mean how adorable is the last one…sometimes you are the cutest….lol…

  • Weightlossandthesinglegirl

    And no purchasing of anything in both of our names. No cars, homes, RV’s, season tickets, timeshares, cell phones or stuff like that until I have legal papers that say you and me are down to ride. I’ve seen way too much Judge Judy. Great post! -SG

  • http://twitter.com/bellametaphor Erin Ashley

    I definitely agree with Cookie and the financial thing—I would not put my name on anything—a car, even a cell phone Until I Get Married. I should include like you going to Warriors Games. I don’t know how many Warriors games I’ve been to with men who I am interested in, and that was the last date—I get offended when they start talking about the team (they are my favorite) and that date ends up being the last date either because I was irritated or they find me rude and unable to joke or something of the sort. I think it’d be best to go to those games when I’m in a secure relationship and can’t really leave them. Good post.

  • http://liferequiresmorechocolate.blogspot.com/ sunt97

    own absolutely nothgin together, then there is nothing that will be divided. I don’t care if it is a cd. Get your own. Speakign of this never co-sign on any ish. I know a few people left with bills that they co-signed on. A friend of mine actually stole the truck they had gotten together and was going to take it back to the dealership, but didn’t. Luckily the lady at the title bureau let her forge his name so she could get off the title. I wonder if he still has that truck.

    Peace, Love and Chocolate
    Tiffany

  • Ne

    I’m definitely going to make my own list today! I agree with “No combined finances, no major purchases, no “Happy Holidays” pictures, but we can take pictures just because, right (but no posting/tagging on Facebook)?!

    Ok, my current BF said and I quote, “No showers together, that’s husband/wife benefits”…No further comment…

  • Everic

    No wearing, and then taking of my clothes (ie shorts, boxers, hoodies, and general loungewear), until we are married. A woman will keep all of that if you break up, sadly.

  • PYT

    LOL this is very true and sometimes we keep those items because we know they’re your favorite.

  • Kae-Toya

    lol lol

  • Girl Politik

    Really? You would turn down Steelers tickets again? You are CRAZY. As someone who graduated from Pitt and worked at Heinz field the year we won the Superbowl in ’09, I don’t care if you are my best friend’s, baby cousin’s uncle, five times removed! Steelers tickets are Steelers tickets. Especially if their club level or above. For that reason alone, this list is irrational and nonsensical.

  • Kady

    One of my rules is: Until I Get Married, I don’t have to invite you on my vacations. Once I am Married I wouldn’t feel right taking a vacation without inviting the Hubby or talking it over, but while I am unmarried, my boyfriends will have to deal with me taking trips with my girls whenever I feel like it. I wouldn’t even considering discussing it with them first.
    I would also extend that rule to say I don’t have to invite Boyfriends to parties, family gatherings, etc. I may do it just to be nice, but its not an automatic privilege. I will also have the right to turndown invites to his family gatherings or any other events I don’t necessarily feel like attending.

    I just look at it like getting Married kinda means you come in pairs so I refuse to give up my individuality until that time comes. Some boyfriend/Girlfriend couples definitely take the couple thing too far. Then when they breakup they are like lost puppies.

  • http://twitter.com/brickhouse817 Brittany J House

    Since my breakup with my high school sweetheart, my number one rule until I get married is now not stressing about getting married or acting like I am married while in a relationship. I find that taints a relationship and keeps you from actually enjoying the up and downs.

  • http://twitter.com/caribbeanBleu Jinx The Chase

    So you think that when you get married you no longer have self?

    That’s frightening, to be honest. If I couldn’t have self in a relationship, much less marriage, I’m out forever.

    My self is my sanity. And I haven’t let it go to accommodate my s/o. He doesn’t have ME if I don’t have SELF.

    How can you compartmentalize any of this?

  • http://twitter.com/caribbeanBleu Jinx The Chase

    So you think that when you get married you no longer have self?

    That’s frightening, to be honest. If I couldn’t have self in a relationship, much less marriage, I’m out forever.

    My self is my sanity. And I haven’t let it go to accommodate my s/o. He doesn’t have ME if I don’t have SELF.

    How can you compartmentalize any of this?

  • http://twitter.com/AlwaysSilky Tracey Hale Matthews

    Oh wow. I’m a total Steeler fan and I swear if I invited someone to a game and he declined I would seriously considering not ever speaking to him again as long as I lived… that’s serious business right there!

  • Simply_Beautiful

    I’m in total agreement about the FB Relationship status update. I told one of my friends if I were engaged I wouldn’t even put it up there. Simply because if you know then you know. Besides what if the engagment ends. I really don’t need to see a comment about the end of my relationship. Too public folk in your personal business.

  • Simply_Beautiful

    I’m in total agreement about the FB Relationship status update. I told one of my friends if I were engaged I wouldn’t even put it up there. Simply because if you know then you know. Besides what if the engagment ends. I really don’t need to see a comment about the end of my relationship. Too many public folk in your personal business.

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