Five Things I Won’t Be Doing Until I Get Married
We all have these rules for our premarital relationships. Some of them are big picture rules like, no cohabitation or intercourse before marriage. Other rules are more nuanced like the rule I gave myself that I won’t be having s*x without a condom or if I owned a really nice car, no girlfriends are allowed to drive it.
Whatever the rules we may be, some of them are quite ridiculous. And, the longer a lot of us go without getting hitched, the more rules we add, and the more ridiculous the rules can get. For example, the list below, my sampling of five things I have decided I won’t be doing until I get married. Don’t know if I did this list before (too lazy to read back), but I’m sure I’ve never done a list with these five things.
NO GAME SHOWS TOGETHER
The other day I was watching the new game show, “Million Dollar Drop” and there was a girlfriend/boyfriend team trying to win the game. Of course, no matter the status of the couple, any high stakes game is going to test their patience with each other. For that very reason I believe it’s best couples are married before they go on any type of game show together. Even if they win the game, there’s still a matter of maintaining a relationship with each other after they raise their arms in victory, and if the reward they get for winning is something like six to seven figures, how ugly would that breakup be? I will never understand what possesses two people who aren’t married to do something as high stakes as “Million Dollar Drop”.
NO FACEBOOK RELATIONSHIP STATUS
I’ve written about this before, my staunch defense against posting any type of relationship status between a man and a woman. Within the past few years, people have blown a relationship status on Facebook way out of proportions, so much so that by the time I have kids, I’m convinced it’s going to be their generations version of “I’m having a baby.” Seriously, get ready for MTV to make a show in 10 years entitled, “16 an In A Relationship on Facebook.” The fact is, he’s just a boyfriend, she’s just a girlfriend, and just because it’s on Facebook doesn’t make the relationship anymore or less real. What is real is marriage. We can put that status up on our profiles, but until then, can we refrain from posting up the status of our lightweight love affairs.
NO PETS TOGETHER
Not even a goldfish. On my own, I would get emotionally invested in any pet I bring into my life. To have my own emotions compounded with the emotions of a girlfriend who bought or adopted the pet with me is just asking for a messier break up than what is already necessary, even if the goldfish stays with me.
NO HIS AND HERS ANYTHING
Fragrances, body wash, and other hygiene products are perfectly acceptable things to separate by gender, but slippers? Absolutely not. If my girlfriend ever got me a male version of anything she owned, I would put it on eBay.
NO GOING TO A PITTSBURGH STEELERS GAME
A while back, a reader of mine asked me if I would do her the pleasure of attending a Pittsburgh Steelers game with her in Pittsburgh. Caught up in the flattery of the invitation, I obliged, but unfortunately couldn’t attend because the date for the game conflicted with the time I would be visiting my family in California. When I told her I couldn’t attend the game due to my schedule, I did tell her to feel free to ask me to go some other time and I would make it happen.
Well, my dear reader who invited me to the Pittsburgh Steelers game, after much thought, I must decline any future invitation to a Pittsburgh Steelers game at Heinz Field. The fact is, if I ever go to a Pittsburgh Steelers game with some girl to whom I’m not married, I’m destined to make some rash decision based on emotions that have nothing to do with true love. Especially if it’s a home game.
Picture this, a thrilling victory. The game is an AFC Championship game, in overtime, the opposing team has the ball, and is driving down the field when all of a sudden Troy Polamalu makes an interception and runs it into the end zone for a touchdown. Then, he tosses the ball into the stands and it lands right in my hands. If the only reason why any of that happened to me is because a girlfriend brought me to the game, I just know I’m going to get so caught up in the moment, I’m going to ask her to marry me, and buy her the ring right after the game. How could I break up with her? Even better question, what if I did break up with her and she took the ball back? Devasting. Far too devasting for a boyfriend and girlfriend to handle.
So there’s a small sampling of my list. What do you guys have?
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