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Sometimes I Wish You Were Here To See How It All Came Together

So no one accuses me of writing today’s post about one person in particular, let the record show, the “you” is intended to be universal. I’m not talking to any one specific person, I’m talking about anyone who believed in me then, but aren’t around to see how what they believed in came true to some degree.

Today I’m not even really writing about a girl, I’m writing about a feeling; that which occurred to me just the other day as I was walking home. It was on that walk I realized I have never been happier about my life than I am these days. Maybe it was my trip home, or the friends I came back to, or the endorphins I stirred up from completing a solid, lengthy jog, whatever it was, I just felt fantastic and blessed. And I sort of wished just one person I used to deal with, didn’t matter who, could see it for themselves. I said to myself…

I don’t miss you, but I do wish you were here right now. I wish you could see where I’m at right now. I’m not talking about the location of this very spot I’m sitting, here on this bench at the park right around the corner from my apartment. I’m talking about seeing how everything has fallen in place for me like it never did when we were together.

Back then, I thought I had everything I needed to be your man. Thought I was a catch to take home, not realizing, I could have used some more time in the water. From time to time you would hint I needed to grow up just a little bit more, and I took that the wrong way, didn’t think you knew what you were talking about.

Now I do.

This is not to say you were completely right about me back then. You said to me once, I wasn’t as healthy as I thought I was, and another time you said one of the biggest reasons you were with me is because of the potential I had to offer, not so much what i had to offer at the time we were together. To those things, I would argue you that you weren’t entirely right. There were some things about me you failed to see because you were paying too much attention to what wasn’t there. And I think it’s fair to say that even if I was in a less mature state than I am now, I was a good man to you back then. I did a couple of things wrong, and took lightly other things I should have given more weight to, but I was good to you.

My only problem was I never thought about how essential my own happiness was to making you happy, and when I really think about it, I probably overestimated how happy I used to be. Back when we were together, a few years ago, I had plenty to smile about. Today’s smile though is a little wider than it used to be, with so much more behind it. Back when we were together, I was like an award nominee, just happy to be considered. These days, I feel like I’ve won whatever that award is.

I’m an uncle now. I write for a lot of the publications I used to tell you I wanted to write for. I have this blog and it’s successful to a degree. I’m still not making quite the amount of money I want to make, but I have a good job, with a lot of responsibility. It’s the kind of job you were saying I deserve. I exercise now, just like you used to tell me I should, and I’m a way better cook than I used to be. I know I was never bad, but remember when I could only make one or two things? Now I can make a lot more things.

Is there anything else?

Yeah, I guess there’s a lot more, a whole lot more about myself I wish you were around to see. It’s not like I did any of it for you, a lot of my growth and maturation came from figuring these things out on my own. But I do remember those years, when I was with you, acting like I was complete. Maybe at the time I was, but when I think about where I am now, it’s hard for me to believe I could have thought such a thing back then. Today I feel whole. Sure, five years from now I’ll have grown up even more, but man oh man, you should see me now. I’m really, really happy with everything and more importantly, with myself.

None of this is about missing you, nor is it about being happy without you. So often, we like to inform the people from our past that we’re doing fine, now that they’re gone, but I wouldn’t say such a thing to you. At one point in my life, you were my biggest supporter outside of my family. I could never forget that time we spent. Sometimes I just wish you were here now, to see how well it all worked out.

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  • Namia20

    pass me the tissue..this is raw

  • esoteric

    “and another time you said one of the biggest reasons you were with me is because of the potential I had to offer, not so much what I had to offer at the time we were together…
    There were some things about me you failed to see because you were paying too much attention to what wasn’t there.”

    Great way to start the day… with a smack of reality… maybe now I know why many of my relationships fail!
    – The Serial “Potential” Dater
    sn:It really sucks to watch the potential come to fruition from the sidelines…

  • http://sepiabrown.wordpress.com Sepia Brown

    Yo! Love this <3

    Insightful view into the mind of a man growing, maturing and realizing that it takes time to get "there"…wherever that place is…

    This post makes my pad thai breakfast a bit yummier as I await the ringing bell and first class of pre-algebra students…

    Jozen = Dope

  • Browneyecar

    I’m so happy you’re back. I truly missed coming to work and reading your blog. Keep up the good work, sir! And loved this one and yesterday too :)

  • http://musicmakesmehigh.wordpress.com/ Reecie

    awesome post.

  • Jessica

    Great post! It’s funny, in a coincidental way, that you wrote about this today, because I was just thinking the same thing about myself (and those from my past) the other day! It’s always a nice surprise to look back and realize that some form of positive growth has occurred over the years :)

  • Ne

    I like this, I wish I had something profound to say, but I think you said it all! Hopefully, in a few years I’ll be able to write my own testimony.

  • http://twitter.com/B_A_W B.Will

    I need to convo with this dude @jozenc ASAP! Powerful words

  • Anonymous

    Others expectations are either a floor or ceiling. Potential is not what we see within but what others see within us. It is through them that we come to realize potential.

    My point is we are in trouble when people no longer see any potential in us. From the day we are born most of what we do and what we come to do is driven by other’s expectation of our potential. Most of us are successful in whatever endeavor because some other person saw something and gave us an opportunity. There are no Horatio Algers in this world truly; no one succeeds by the sweat of their own brow. There is always someone who paved the way, offered a hand up or even inspired/motivated to act.

  • Ashleyb

    Fantastic post!

  • Islandgirl145

    I hope that soon I will be able to happy about where I am in life in that exact moment. I find myself looking and reaching for things in the future instead of enjoying the blissful moments of the NOW.

  • Honeysucklebrown

    This is a beautiful post, Jozen. Your words carry me forward.

  • http://www.imperfectenjoyment.com Dewan Gibson

    Welcome back; I enjoyed the post. Would have REALLY enjoyed it without the qualifying statement/first paragraph:) Let us wonder what the girl and relationship was about! Even if it’s not one particular person. Congrats on your progress.

  • Lohi

    I just found this blog today! I am in AWE! i love everything I have read so far, and this post is amazing!

  • Niki M

    had to sniffle back some tears with this one. i share a lot of the same sentiments nowadays. i hope you continue to do well in your life and career.

  • Sandra J

    Like everyone else, I can relate. Wonderful post.

  • Naomi

    I’m just tryna get there.

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