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On The Hazards of Good S*x

January 18th, 2011 Leave a comment Go to comments

There was a point in my life where I realized not every woman I sleep with has to be my girlfriend. This reality was nothing I came to all of a sudden. It’s something I learned over time; from witnessing a pattern developing in my life. While the number of girlfriends I had was dwindling, the number of partners I had was growing. Rapidly.

Things got to a point where I could count the number of girlfriends I had on my two hands, but to count the number of partners I had would require me to become an octopus with starfish fingers. Of course, as a man, I thought none of this was wrong and all of it was as it should be. I went to college and statistics show those who do go to college get more action than those who don’t, I also wasn’t getting any uglier or any more shy, so all of this, I thought, was a natural progression. To go against it would be like going against nature or something.

But something funny is happening with me these days, another pattern if you will. The older I get, the more I grow up.

As a consequence, I’m beginning to look at this whole casual sex thing a tad bit differently. I’m not saying it’s going to stop anytime soon (who knows when that day will come?), but what I am saying is, there’s some serious drawbacks to partaking in it.

One in particular has me seriously considering slowing things down, and it’s something I had to learn on my own because back when every older person in my life had the chance to tell me all the reasons I should only sleep with those I care about, they never gave me a real good reason why. So, allow me to play sex educator for a day and break down what I have discovered is one of the huge drawbacks to casual sex.

Good casual sex, with those we will never be in a relationship with for any variety of reasons. That, my friends, is a very, very good reason to be choosy with whom we sleep.

One of the biggest lies people will try to sell is the best sex in the world can only be found in relationships. Don’t get me wrong, relationship sex can be incredible — mind blowing even. But this idea that casual sex can’t hold a candle to it is a complete farce. Monogamous relations are good because they’re comfortable, like walking into a quiet, clean house. Unfortunately what happens is people often mistake comfort for greatness, which is kind of like calling medium heat, hot.

Casual relations, on the other hand, are like walking into that same house, and the best party you’ve ever been to is in full swing. It’s taking the quiet, clean, house we grew comfortable with, and having some fun  in it. The drawback here is we know eventually things will get messy. We will grow tired of all the unfamiliar faces at the party telling us it’s the greatest party we’ve ever been to, the music will give us a headache, and our eyes will hurt from the party lights flickering every second. Eventually, we will want our house to go back to the quiet, clean place it once was.

And it is at this point where we realize we probably shouldn’t have had the party in the first place. Because even though we may want it to end, and we may want to turn our real lights back on, we know how fun things have been. We know we had the greatest time of our lives, and even when we put our house back in order, back to quiet and clean, at some point, we are going to want this party again. And again. And again.

Maybe it’s just me, but nothing has frustrated me more than having incredibly good sex with someone I know I won’t ever see again for whatever reason. Nothing has been harder than forgetting the highlights of casual encounters with a former fling and resisting the temptation to relive those moments with them when I see them again. If we think of sex as a charge to our system, what do we do when we encounter people who charge up our systems like never before? An even better question: When we realize they can’t quite charge our system up in any other way, how do we keep them out of our lives? If they were a candy dish full of candy and we couldn’t have anymore candy, we’d throw the dish out, candy and all.

Too bad they’re not a candy dish.

We love to remind ourselves we can’t sleep with everyone we want, but what we fail to remember is we can’t get into a relationship with everyone we sleep with. If we are being really honest with ourselves, we will face the fact that while people are in our lives for a reason, some of those people only have one reason, and sometimes that one reason is hyper-specific.

Trust me when I say, there have been girls who have been so incredibly good in the bedroom that I’ve made every effort to search for a reason to be with them outside of the bedroom (There have also been girls who I cared for deeply but the sex was mediocre at best; with them, I’ve made efforts to change things around too.). But when the party is over and we realize no matter how hard we try, we can only party together, we have a mountainous task ahead of us.  Once again, we have to figure out how and when we’re going to stop partying together.

Soundtrack to today’s post

The Process: Video of the health and fitness part of the process is coming soon.

Poppin’ Questions Podcast: I know if I keep saying I’m going to record another one and I keep on not recording another one, I’m going to look like the boy who cried wolf. So I won’t say anything again until I post a new podcast, but in the meantime, click here to submit a question for consideration.

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  • Anonymous

    Ooooh am I the first commentor…I feel special. I wholeheartedly agree and I’ve tried those very same things; mind blowing sex should mean a greater connection and ability to commit right…wrong, and I’ve been in love with a man who I couldn’t marry b/c of mediocre sex.

    There is nothing worse than seeing someone who the very thought of days later would still give you tingle in your special place, and knowing that the mature thing to do is keep walking…which is why I’ve become celibate. LoL, radical I know…but it kind of solves that problem…well so far anyways. 😉

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  • KitKatCuty84

    I’ve become celibate as well, physically AND romantically. I haven’t set an arbitrary length of time for my celibacy. It’s just for the foreseeable future. Basically, my reason is that I am unsuccessful in this area. Every other area in my life is awesome. Like, NOTABLY awesome. But the sex/love stuff just keeps causing pain and misery. It’s the only time I have anything bad to report to my friends/family. It’s just awful. So I’m giving up my seemingly masochistic search for love/sex, because I don’t get it and it’s just not working out. Time to focus on what IS working and what makes me HAPPY and FULFILLED.

    And I WHOLEHEARTEDLY disagree that casual sex can EVER be as good as good sex with someone you love. Casual sex can be amazing, but have that same sex with someone you love and you might be put into a coma. That’s because monogamous sex isn’t good because it’s SAFE, it’s good because the EMOTIONAL connection heightens the physical. You’re truly experiencing intimacy.

  • Jinx Moneypenny

    I agree not all mindblowing sex happens just in relationships. And I also agree that the more you engage in the mindblowing casual sex with someone the harder it will probably become to let go and move on to something more substantial.

    Best part is finding someone who has both. I’m not about to let go, that’s for damn sure, lol.

  • Mouf Peace

    is there a “love’ button?

    this is hilarious because i used to date this guy and when we were done i told my friends, “he ruined sex for the rest of my life,” cuz it was so good … but that’s pretty much ALL he was good for. so i can def relate to this post.

  • Anonymous

    Not the rest of your life…classic, lol.

  • Mon

    your self-awareness is awesome. but rather than completely avoiding the issue, why not proactively engage in WHY things aren’t working out? therapy, talking with someone for whom it IS working, self-reflection….. all of these things can help in the right direction. because once yours self-declared celibacy is over, what are you going to do when the same patterns emerge? fruit for thought. i wish you luck on your journey.

  • Dra

    All of the mind-blowing sex I have had has been with someone I can not be in a relationship with, for one reason or another.

    All of the relationship sex I have had has been mediocre.

    My solution? No sex until I’m in a relationship. That way, I can’t sit in the quagmire of having an awesome sex partner who I just want to hit and quit. If we start the relationship sex and it’s just okay, we can build from there. If it’s awesome, well then that’s awesome. Casual sex is unfulfilling for me because a) I either really like the person and am disappointed because we can’t be together; b) I don’t really like the person all that much and am still disappointed we can’t be together.