Home > dating > Quit Worrying About The Other Girls

Quit Worrying About The Other Girls

January 27th, 2011 Leave a comment Go to comments

It’s been going on for about a year now, this new party line I’ve been hearing from women. Something about how whatever I want from her I can get from another woman. These days, women don’t like to just tell me no. Instead, they fancy themselves witty and say things like, “Oh Jozen, I’m sure whatever you want to do with me you can do with one of your other girls.”

But this isn’t just my problem, I feel like a lot of men have to deal with this type of response whenever they want to spend some time with a woman with whom they’ve been spending time. “Why are you calling me and not one of your other girls,” they like to ask.

Well, here’s what I’m going to start saying whenever a woman asks me this question or implies such a thing.

Quit worrying about the other girls. Quit worrying about who I’m not calling. Start taking it as a compliment that I’m not calling someone else, and instead I’m calling you.

If there’s one thing I learned in my years being single it’s that I can’t ever get caught up in who another woman is dealing with. The minute I start doing such a thing is the minute I start to lose my focus, which is primarily being with her in some capacity.

Now I understand women may bring up the “other girls” as a ways of tricking me into saying they’re the only ones, but to fall for such a mind game would make me not only a simpleton, it would make me a liar. And for as many women out there who insist on men being honest, I have no idea why they want to bait us into lying in the first place.

What am I supposed to say to a woman who brings up other girls? I always feel like what they want to hear in response is something along the lines of, “There are no other girls.”

Well, the truth is, there are, so here’s the better question: Now that we know the truth, are we still saying no?

When doing the whole casual dating thing, I don’t think full disclosure is always necessary. I’m not into volunteering who I’m spending time with when I’m not spending time with someone else. I don’t feel obligated to talk about my personal business regarding other persons with other persons. But I do think tip-toeing around it and trying to find out whether or not we are seeing other people through subliminal questions is counter-productive. If she wants to bring up another girl, fine, we can talk about her, but two things about that…

The first is I’m definitely seeing other people and if I wanted to call them up for the same reasons I’m calling you up, I probably could. Might be a hard pill to swallow, but if she insists on bringing this up, I might as well cop to it.

The second is what’s really important and it goes like this: Even though I have at least three or four other girls I can spend time with if I wanted and if they were available to do so, I want to spend some time with the person I am calling.

As I have said before, I’m not really the type of man who does the Plan B sort of thing. When I want to go to a movie or if I want some company, I call who I want, so if she’s the one I’m calling, she’s the one I want. It’s really that simple, and if she doesn’t want to hang out with me, it’s really that simple to just say she’s not available to do so or doesn’t feel like doing so. No matter her answer, it’s still no, and I’m not about to wonder if she’s telling me no because of some other guy. Why should I worry about him? All I care about is whether or not her “no” now will change to “yes” when I ask her to hang out again.

—————————————————————————————————————-

The Process: Might have lost too much weight, going to pack some more muscle back on with some protein shakes. Anyone have suggestions on a good powder?

Poppin’ Questions Podcast: The 20th Episode is up now. Episode 21 will air on Monday, between now and then, please hit me on my Formspring or email me at feedback@untiligetmarried.com for a question to be considered.

“The Game” Season 4, Episode 3, ‘The Wing King’: TV Recap for The Wall Street Journal. To read, Click here.

Categories: dating Tags:
  • http://twitter.com/solidcelly Celly Richy

    Great Post Jozen! Your analysis is right on.

  • Mr. Write Now

    1) Cosign the post. Good shyt. Sums my thoughts up. Chicks dont wanna hear the truth sometimes, and when they do, they deny it. whutevva.

    2) Optimum Nutrition whey protein is the best Ive tried.

  • WealthLoveBeauty

    Totally agree with this post from both sides of the equation. When casually dating, neither guy nor girl should be worried about the other’s activities outside of their casual dates. But here’s the thing, doesn’t this practice prevent casual dating from ever moving into the serious/exclusive dating? From my experience it does.

  • Inquiring Mind

    LOL… I think you’re completely missing the reason behind the whole “other girl” sentiment… She’s not worried about them, actually she is setting you up to pay her a compliment… a set-up you obviously never considered. Next time, when any girl says “I’m sure you’ll have a good time with the other girls”… say, “You know what you’re right… I’ll call you back” and see if she doesn’t get a little hurt by it… From there I’m sure you’ve got enough charisma to turn things around.

    It’s the game.

  • OwiseOne

    Honestly..that question means of “the other girls” means alot of different things to different females. You’re right…some are trying to trick you into saying that they’re the only girl. (those are the stupid ones) Others..like myself…when i was single…use it as a way to test the waters. I WANTED the guy to tell me they were talking to other girls. it let me know where i stood…and also told me where to put him. like the first post said…its all a game at the end of the day. some just choose to play with a different set of directions.

  • http://twitter.com/AshleighTrenee Ashleigh Washington

    There are so many reasons women ask this question which you highlighted but the only way I can relate to asking a guy “dont you have other girls?” in response to hanging out or whatever is when I’m just not that into him and I want him to explore his options and quit pressing me so I don’t have to turn him down. Otherwise I wouldnt even say something like that. My mind wouldnt even go there b/c if I liked the guy I would be trying to make myself that girl. Who are these girls?

  • Anonymous

    Might be time to stop dealing with “girls” and begin to seek out women. Iamjussayinguknow….

  • Naomi

    So where are the guys that when asked if they are seeing another woman, they actually say YES?! In my experience (casual dating, exclusively dating), I’ve never had a guy honestly say YES (when in one case, i caught him with her shortly after). I have no problem asking him if he’s seeing someone else. I really honestly want to know. Maybe it’s my downfall in “relationships”, but I always want to know where I stand. I don’t want to sit there and think..”this is just me and him” and treat the relationship as such when its me, him, Tiffany, Courtney and Kelly. Most women want to be the only one, but sometimes, especially in the beginning, its naive to thing that’s the case. That’s why I ask. I do agree that ladies shouldn’t beat around the bush about or fish for compliments. They’ll end up getting their feelings hurt when the response isn’t what they expect.
    What’s worse though is that there are guys that offer up the “its only you” when its not the case. I’ve always wondered what the purpose of that is. Oh well! *Kanye Shrug* <3

  • http://www.outsidesinside.blogspot.com/ esoteric

    dude play fair… I mean if I got to get gamed with lines like… “Where your man at?” and ” Your dude got you out here solo?” you got to get gamed with “Why are you calling me and not one of your other girls?” …and so what if you think that dude wack cause he still using “Where your man at…” He is still a dude it still counts and I’m still using “Why are you calling me and not one of your other girls?” ( just for clarity I don’t really use that) “I have no idea why they want to bait us into lying in the first place.” what is this statement lol…I feel like you trying to start a revolution… j/k …lol besides… “No” doesn’t work and ” No thanks” and “I’m not interested ” aren’t any better… come on you know you don’t want to hear “No” no matter how many chicks you have in your pocket … especially if the “No” is coming from someone you have taken the time to approach. No plan B? I just want to make sure I understand ya…So if girl #1 says “No” you going to the movies or hang out alone?

  • http://brandonsaintrandy.wordpress.com Faraji

    It’s times like these when a strong pimp hand is necessary. That question means she’s trying you. Try phrases like “You trying me? ” with a raised eyebrow. Or “The hell did you just say to me?” If you can do this wearing a sharkskin shirt with no shirt underneath, you have the game mastered

  • Anonymous

    i thought this was going to be profound… telling a woman she is the only one.. but alas, you have convinced yourself that it’s okay to have multiple girls and that you don’t have to disclose what you’re doing. If you are sleeping around, a woman has a right to know and she should not be okay with it. She is devaluing herself if she is.

  • KB

    See, if I mention anything about any other girls to a guy I’m casually dating, that’s my way of telling him I’m sick of being one of a bunch of chicks clamoring for his attention and I’m about to dip. I generally don’t care about the “other girls” in such a situation, because when you’re with me, you’re WITH ME. That’s what I care about. The problem comes when I want you with me and only me, and you’re good right where you are. So that’s when I’ll throw in some snide stuff about other girls…because you’ll have those other girls…and not me.

  • Shae Mechelle

    I agree w/ this one. Simply because I hate when men say “Oh I know you got guys lined up to take you out, blah blah blah…” It’s actually quite annoying when people fish for answers to questions they are afraid to ask.

  • http://twitter.com/TheresaM86 Theresa M.

    Once a person feels they want to move from the realm of causal to serious they should initiate a frank discussion about exclusivity. Sure there’s the possibility of rejection, but without risks there’s no possibility of growth.

  • http://twitter.com/EleanoreW eleanore wells

    This one shouldn’t be that complicated. If you’re seeing other women, it ought to be okay to say that…and not that difficult if you’ve never pretended otherwise. Some women will hang around and some won’t, and that’s how it should be. http://www.TheSpinsterliciousLife.com

  • Wart

    A reference to your ‘other’ girls should correctly set off an alert. My experience is that women who use this veiled question are seeking a monogamous relationship. If you want to commit honestly, do so. But expect that you will a) begin to confuse sex with her with love 2) have no options in the wings when she starts directing activities and aesthetics to fit her ideal of a relationship. I love the response suggested above, “You know, you’re right.”

  • S-dot

    OPTIMUM WHEY PROTEIN!! GREAT TASTE TOO!!

  • Theviajeroshop

    You’re making it sound way too simple.

    I’m one of those 35+ women you’ve written about and in my world, a date is a date, hanging out is hanging out, and casual sex is casual sex… not to be confused to be or mean the same things. If you keep coming around, expect the woman to ask (not make stupid comments), and be prepared to respond respectfully. Mature women expect a mature man to be honest with her/himself.

    Why do you keep going back?– don’t if when asked bothers you (even if it’s in a roundabout sort of way). Rather than thinking and writing simple posts about this (that many perceive as gospel), I challenge you to evaluate the real reasons you keep going back. Oh, and don’t assume I’m thinking it’s because you “love her.” I mean, what is really going on with you?! That would make for a more interesting and refreshing topic. Because brother, “An unexamined life is not worth living.”

  • Procrastigirl

    If you’re seeing me, I think it’s fair to ask if you’re seeing someone else. That leaves me free to make an informed decision as to whether or not I want to be seeing you. Why do I want to invest time in someone who only wants to see me when I’m the flavor he’s looking for that evening?

  • guest

    I agree with this comment. When I start giving you snide/ backhanded comments about other girls or anything else, I am half way or three quarters on my way out the door. I will say crazy stuff like this because I am getting to the point where I don’t care if it is your last call. Just call one of your other lady friends and leave me alone.

  • Pingback: Jozen Cummings:Stop Worrying About Other Girls « Uptown Socialite World()