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Thank You For The Good Time

February 17th, 2011 Leave a comment Go to comments

As you all know, a lot of my readers send me questions about damn near everything. I don’t think they send me these questions because they fancy me an expert on matters of the heart, sex, dating, or anything else. I figure they just want me to contribute my two cents to something they’ve been thinking about, then once I do, they go back to their own original take on whatever it is they asked me about.

I mean, they couldn’t possibly expect me to have a definitive answer for all of their questions, because some of them don’t really have a definitive answer. For instance, this latest question I am about to share with everyone.

I share it not because I don’t have my own thoughts, but because I think it’s topical enough where everyone can chime in down in the c-section. So here’s the question, below is my answer, and then below that, in the comments, let the person who wrote the question and myself know what you think. Remember, there is no wrong answer to this question, but there could be a funny one and we’d love to hear it.

The question goes:

Is it bad manners to not say thank you after sex?

So the very first answer that popped into my head when I received this question was, “Well, technically yes.” I mean, if we look at sex as an act of kindness (and it most certainly is), then we should be thankful and thus express as much, right?

But when we look at the context of the act of kindness, maybe saying “thank you” is unnecessary and to a certain extent snarky? Like, if this is our significant other with whom we have sex three, four, or eight times a week, must we always say “Thank you” after the act. What is she thanking me for, a job well done? She didn’t think me the last time we did, is that to say I didn’t give a performance worth thanking?

Though even if we are in a relationship and one of us doesn’t feel like doing it — we have a headache or something — but we give it up anyway, should we not say thank you? And one should always say thank you if it’s someone we barely knew, right? I know I’ve said thank you to women who have chosen to come over to my place instead of me making a trek over to there’s. A euphemism for thank you I often apply is, “Appreciate that.”

This question brought to a mind a story about one of my childhood best friends. We were right at the height of our pubescent years and starting to round the bases on girls — second base, third base, HOME PLATE! You know that stage during your teenage years where every new sexual act with someone makes you feel like you reached the top of Mount Everest.

Well, one of my best friends got to what we considered third base at the time before any of us. He received from a girl fellatio and I’ll never forget the call he made to me right after he left her place. He sounded like he won the Lotto…twice. He broke down to me what happened, but after he was finished with his story, I had a very important question to ask, since I hadn’t experienced this myself, I needed to know what to do after just in case my number was to get called.

So I asked, “Hey, did you kiss her after? Like, when you left, what did you do?”

This question was important because the girl who he did this with wasn’t his girlfriend. At this point in our lives, the only girls we were doing anything with were girlfriends, so doing something as intimate as this with a girl who wasn’t our girlfriend was still a fairly new phenomenon.

He said, “Oh hell naw, I didn’t kiss her when I left,” he said, already sounding like a veteran of the game.

“Well then, what did you do?” I pressed.

“Honestly, dude, I didn’t know what to do,” he said. “So I just said ‘Thank you’, gave her a high-five, got on my bike, and broke out..”

See? Good manners, right?

So what is it folks, ‘Thank you’ after sex, do we say it, if so, under what circumstances? If not, when did we become so rude? Is it rude at all to not say it? I don’t know, tell me. Tell the person who asked the question. I can’t wait to read these answers.


The Process: Quick, someone tell me how many minutes of jump rope is equivalent to one mile of running.

Poppin’ Questions Podcast: Episode 24 is up now (from there you can also see the new Until I Get Married Podomatic page). Episode 25 is now in the works, and will be up on Friday. Hit me on my Formspring or email me at for a question to be considered. A

UNTIL I GET MARRIED CONVERSATION: Thank you to everyone who participated in the #UIGM discussion on Twitter last night. We had a fun half-hour talk online about Food and Sex, which turned into a conversation specifically about condiments in the bedroom. We’re going to be hosting another one next week, same day (Wed), same time (10 pm EST). To read the tweets from last night’s #UIGM discussion, click here. And feel free to hashtag #UIGM to chime in on the discussion during off days.

Categories: c-section, dating, s#x Tags:
  • CT

    As you said earlier in your post, it depends. If we are sleeping together most days I am not going to thank you everytime…not verbally at least.
    But, if it’s someone that I am sleeping with occasionally…then a high five will suffice. Saying thank you seems kind of awkward.

  • Gina B.

    In my opinion, saying thank you after sex cheapens the act (unless it’s a straight booty call, in which case . . . who cares?). If I like the guy, I’d rather he omit the “thank you,” and say “I had a great time last night.” The very act of thanking someone means that that person did you a service, something nice for you that he/she didn’t have to do. I thank a waitstaff for providing good service. I thank people who have done selfless favors for me, taken me out to dinner, held a door. If I thank a guy after sex, I might as well tip him, too, for a service well provided.

    Or maybe it’s just my connotation.

  • Guest

    Thank you is custom when something does something for you, a favor. So if you say thank you after sex it’s almost as if you’re implying that the person did you a favor you needed. I think if a guy thanked me it would seem like he just realllly needed some sex and would take anyone that would do that for him. If it consensual sex it should mean more than just a favor, something both persons want, not something one person is just doing for the other. Would you thank somebody every time they gave you a kiss? Unless, that one person said “Hey, it’s been a very long time that I’ve had some, would you like to do it this once?” Then that might warrant a “thank you” afterwards. Sex is not an act of kindness it’s an act of hormones, sexual excitement and pleasure, not something you do just to be nice.

    And to the person above, a high five is awkward as well. I think we’re grown enough for a hug now.

  • Guest

    Oh and if you feel like you have to say sometimes after the act, just give a compliment like “That was good/great but I got to run now.”

  • Guest

    something** sorry

  • v4c

    “Honestly, dude, I didn’t know what to do,” he said. “So I just said ‘Thank you’, gave her a high-five, got on my bike, and broke out..”

    ^ That line gave me my first LAUGH OUT LOUD of the day! LOL!

  • Aiby36

    Thank you is appropriate when you’re receiving a service or product or kind act, ie holding the door open for someone. Sex doesn’t fit in those categories unless you’re paying the person to have sex with you. Then I think it’s totally appropriate to hand the person your money and say “Thank you for your great services! You really hit the spot…” Otherwise, it would cheapen the act and make it awkward. Saying thank you just makes it appear like the person didn’t really want to have sex with you in the first place and did it as a service to you.

    To answer your process question: I’ve heard its 10 minutes. Good luck!

  • miss.riss

    unless you’re paying for it, I don’t see why you need to say Thank you.

    If the Thank You is just to know, they did a ” good job “, then say ” Thank You ” by doing it again, and again, and again…

  • CT

    But there is something so awesome and right about a high five.

  • Tag0538

    I agree with most on this subject, thank you cheapens the act, and at best provides for an awkward moment/exit. I would prefer that your response to enjoying the ‘session’ be an active pursuit of more, and the “I enjoyed last night” would suffice as well.
    Also, in that particular story the high five was awesome and hilarious! However I DO NOT want a high five myself, at all…..however I guess if I don’t go around giving random guys fellatio, I won’t run into that issue lol 🙂

  • Lauren

    i think “thank you” is understood when we say “that was great!” or “wow!” or……….. “alright, have a good night,” “I will call you later this week.” LOL

  • Lindsey

    If a dude ever thanked me after sex, I’d be secretly mortified while making some snappy comment about leaving the money on the bedside table. Seriously, we’ve spent the last hour swearing, pulling hair, and swapping bodily fluids, and now he’s going all Emily Post on me? Weird. And possibly offensive.

    BF has, on occasion, been cutely appreciative after a particularly rowdy session. Tongue in cheek, he’ll say “Thank. YOU.” I always find it hilarious, but it’s within the parameters of a well-established pattern. Is he actually thanking me? Not really. It’s more of an acknowledgement of my mad skills and his utter enjoyment thereof.

  • maxfab

    We had a similar discussion over at my blog last week. I agree with Lauren – you don’t have to say thank you but letting the person know that you enjoyed it and/or look forward to doing it again soon is good enough.

    For me, saying “thanks for having me” with a smirk on my face as I walk out is my signature move.

  • Anonymous

    Is it just me or are the responses to the idea of someone saying thank you after sex,alarmingly negative?
    I sense some discomfort with sex….

  • SnarkyLark

    The high five was awesome because it conveyed the awkwardness of being a teenager and trying to figure out how to conduct yourself after random sexual acts… Snark.
    For those in the world who don’t have some funny or embarrassing stories about treading these waters… My apologies to you!

  • SLB

    I find a compliment (not overdone) to be equivalent and preferred over an actual “thank you.” Something about those two words just seems almost… unfamiliar and offensive. As good as it was, I don’t want to feel like what I just did to and for a man was seen as a favor or an act of kindness, ESPECIALLY when in a committed relationship. We both should want to please the other and be physically intimate without feeling a sense of ‘obligation.’ Even if I had a migraine headache and still gave a BJ, I would not want to be thanked. A simple, “You are great, that was amazing” will be enough gratitude.

  • rw

    thank you?
    i’ve never thought to say thank you nor has anyone ever said thank you to me. if they left money on the table i guess one would say thank you, otherwise, thank you? i dont look at what i do, what they did, or what we did together as a favor, a blessing, or something i should be thankful for. it was simply a way we connected.

  • Guest

    While reading your answer to the question, i had to imagine being in place of the individuals being in the situation. Based on the varied answers, every individual
    has their own way of showing their gratitude.
    A few answers came across as ‘wham bam thank you ma’am/sir’. Other answers
    came across as ‘thank you for being a friend’ sung to the tune of Golden Girls.
    The worse kind of thank would be ‘thank you God for blessing me’. i don’t think
    it would be in God’s interest to bless anyone to have a night of sexual ecstasy
    especially if the partner is not the actual significant other. Thank you is simply a
    gesture acknowledging one’s effort for their time. Time is precious in all our lives.
    Whether or not the moment of sex was fulfilling on both sides, it’s practice for good
    behavior by saying thank you for one’s time and effort

  • Mouf Peace

    when u think about it, it sounds funny. almost too formal or technical. but the last guy i slept with actually says thank you. not necessarily because i’m amazing in bed but ‘cuz he busts everytime. to me him busting, is a must. but hey, you’re welcome nevertheless lol. i don’t think i’ve ever said thank you but after some really good sex, i will let them know it was good. i don’t think it ever hurts to say that.

  • Esquin

    Saying thank you is just awkward… the only thank you I want is some cab fare home if we hooked up after the club and I felt like being wild the night before… or thank you in the form of breakfast in bed.

  • Shai Ramzan

    Ten minutes of jump rope is equivalent to a one mile run 🙂

  • Christina White

    An “oooooooooh, thank you!” after the first time… ain’t nothin’ wrong with that! A Dewin Davis “that’s what’s up!” should be the custom thereafter 🙂

  • Christina White


  • Emoceans

    if the sex is a mutually agreed upon act then it’s similar to a handshake. i give you a handshake while you give me one in return. would you say “thank you” for a handshake?

  • Thetruestfaith

    When the conversation about saying thank you and sex came up, I had to hear Jozen’s take on it. So, thanks for answering in detail, Jozen.

    I was just about to respond with the same idea. Thank you is a response to a favor. Whether the sexual is casual or not, thank you is the last thing I want to hear. I mean, thank you is appropriate when you’re having sex with a prostitute.

  • Roxy

    When I read the post, the first think I thought of was this answer. I feel like there is an implicit “thank you” if you are satisfied and you say the above things, or it was so good you don’t say anything at all! Both people will know if it was good, and that should suffice.

  • Islandgirl145

    Maybe not a full on “thank you” but just letting the other person know you enjoyed what you came there to do. I think the status of your relationship depends on what type of thank you is needed.

    For my best friend, who just recently became official with her guy,has an inside joke. At the beginning of their relationship he would always tell her “Thanks for coming” and now that they have hit all the bases…they both say “thanks for coming”, pun intended.

  • Anonymous

    If someone said thank you to me after sex I’d feel like they were offering me that instead of money. I agree with the handshake comment earlier, no thank you necessary. I think the biggest act of gratitude after sex is offering to do it again some time in the future.