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Archive for March, 2011

Quiet Breakups

March 30th, 2011 17 comments

I haven’t had the privilege of arguing with someone in a very long time. Some who know me might beg to differ, citing some random argument we had last week about some random topic, but I’m not talking about those arguments. I’m talking about the arguments born out of intimacy and love.

For some reason, I was thinking about this the other day, how long it’s been since I stayed up at night tossing and turning over words that were said with someone I cared about. When we were happy, I wondered how we ever got to the point of anger with one another. Then I thought about how much of a waste of time it all was. I remember in my previous relationships, the arguments we had, and when I look back on them today, all I can do is shake my head. They were so unnecessary, and I can’t say I learned anything from them, or, not nearly as much as I learned from the times we were happy together.

My last relationship was such a strain on the brain and the heart, that when we broke up, I declared a break from relationships. It’s been four years, and of course I have dated some fantastic women, and of course I’m not dating them anymore. And I laugh at that, because if there’s one thing I want in a relationship, it’s compatibility. I’m a stickler for it really, unwilling to compromise and refusing to buy into the idea that opposites do indeed attract. Not in my book they don’t. What attracts me is similarities, oneness, and so it’s what I go after, and it’s what I get, but the irony of it all is, it’s what I lose too.

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Poppin’ Questions Podcast Episode 30

March 29th, 2011 3 comments

Jozen is happy to be back with Episode 30 of the Poppin’ Questions Podcast, and he hopes you all are too! The first podcast since March 8, Jozen answers questions about getting a man’s mother to accept the new woman in his life, women proposing to men, and why a woman should never ask a man about a certain unspeakable sexual act. Oh my, this episode was crazy!

Take a listen, download, subscribe to iTunes via PodOmatic and click here to submit any questions for consideration on the next Poppin’ Questions Podcast or send an email to feedback@untiligetmarried.com.

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This Is What A Happy Couple Looks Like

March 27th, 2011 20 comments

Before watching this video, three things about it:

First: It’s kind of ugly. I hate the song and the dancing is hardly sensual. It honestly looks like something out of a dance at a public school named after Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. I should know because I went to a public school named after Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., and I went to the dances.

Second: This is romance, people. Seriously. Look at the laughs, the smiles, and most importantly, how comfortable they are with one another. We should be so lucky they let us even watch such a moment. Not because it’s lewd (that’s actually what makes it somewhat uncomfortable to watch), but because it is obviously something they’ve done plenty of times before in the privacy of their own quarters. For whatever reason, this time, they decided to record it and as a reward we get to see a young couple who may or may not end up together forever have a moment Videos like this should go viral.

Third: If I saw them, I’d thank them, for this is a tutorial on how to have fun as a couple, an example of what happiness in a relationship looks like. It was also a reminder of relationships past. Not ashamed to admit, I like to dance with the woman I’m dating in a room, quietly, with no one around. In my last relationship, we’d dance in my apartment together at least once a week, not as a rule, just as a way to let loose with one another. Couples need moments like this, to remind themselves why they’re together in the first place.

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Categories: dating, guys, quotables, women Tags:

To Be With Someone For The Last Time

March 23rd, 2011 14 comments

I know I said I was taking a break, but I was moved to post something quick. Read on. I hope everyone is doing well.

If I haven’t said it before, let me say it now, “Californication” is one of my top three favorite shows on television. Maybe it’s because of the show’s protagonist, Hank Moody, a charming but no-luck-having writer who is, to put it bluntly, addicted to sex. And yet, he is in love with one woman, Karen, his estranged lover and mother of their daughter, Becca.

Throughout the show’s four seasons, Hank and Karen have been on an up and down roller coaster. Their lives, of course, are forever connected through their daughter, but you always get the feeling even if they didn’t have a child together, they would always find some way to be more than friends. I don’t watch every show on television, but I can’t think of a couple more dysfunctional, which is why root for them to be together the way I root for my Pittsburgh Steelers to win games.

This past Sunday I was reminded once more why I watch Karen and Hank with a wide-eyed curiosity usually reserved for train wrecks.

Hank, who has been convicted of statuary rape (long story stemming all the way back to season one), is embraced with Karen and they’re slow dancing to Jeff Beck’s cover of Stevie Wonder’s “Cause We’ve Ended As Lovers” in Karen’s living room. Karen is venting to Hank all that is wrong with him and her and them together, and as she winds down she asks Hank a question I have pondered over with lovers of my own. It was a question Hank answers, and a fantastic end to the episode, because even after the credits were done rolling I was still chewing on the question. So I decided to share the bit of dialogue with all of you below, with the question in bold. Feel free to leave thoughts and/or answers in the comments section. Also, the song they were listening to in the scene. I miss you all.

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The Process: Until I Get Back On My Feet

March 18th, 2011 23 comments

At the church service I went to Wednesday evening, the preacher read from Genesis, Chapter 4, verses 1-10. Those in the know are aware the story in this portion of the chapter is about Caine and his brother Abel, who Caine murders. This, as a result of God choosing to accept Abel’s harvest over Caine’s.

From this scripture, the preacher spoke to the congregation about the importance of being honest with our emotions. As he took to the story to point out, had Caine been honest with God about the way he felt, and expressed his displeasure with what God chose, the resentment he felt towards his brother could have subsided, but instead, it resulted in a most unfortunate demise.

The preacher’s message resonated deeply. I can’t say his words were a revelation so much as they were a reminder of something I too once told people:  Real honesty starts with ourselves. If we ever want to be honest with the facts, we must first be honest about our feelings. I have lost sight of that, and though I can’t pinpoint the exact moment I did, I don’t think it’s as important as knowing it now.

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On Behalf Of All Men Who Don’t Think Less Of Women For What They Do

March 17th, 2011 17 comments

There are a lot of things women told me they do because a man said they should.

That’s fine.

Plenty of men do the same; take advice from a woman and apply it in hopes of landing more women. I don’t fault any woman who once heard a pearl of wisdom from a man and ran with it to increase the likelihood of her finding another man. I believe when it comes to advice about the opposite sex, seek it from the opposite sex.

But there is once piece of advice I wish women would stop entertaining, and it often comes from men. To paraphrase, it goes like this: “If you want a man to take you seriously, you need to make him wait for sex. Give it up too soon, that respect goes out the window.”

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A UIGM Tribute: The Five Nate Dogg Songs You Can Dedicate To Your Lady

March 16th, 2011 4 comments

I had a real reaction when I heard about Nate Dogg’s death this morning. This is not to say I cried, or shed tears, but I did freeze up for a second. After all, I did grow up to the man’s music.

Like many who heard the news, I couldn’t believe it. Though I was more than aware of the strokes he suffered in 2007 and 2008, last I heard things weren’t getting any worse. If I can recall correctly, my former colleague at VIBE, Keith Murphy even did an interview with him in 2008. It was something small for VIBE, but I can’t really recall exactly what the story was, what I do remember is Keith telling me his condition was improving. Unfortunately, the man passed away last night at the young age of 41.

Of course, I immediately went into my catalog and dug up some of my favorite Nate Dogg records. In doing so, I had to chuckle to myself as I bobbed my head and sang along. If there’s one thing I have to give props to Nate Dogg for, it was the way he sang some of the lewdest, harshest lyrics about women and made them sound so, well, nice. Nate Dogg, for better or for worse, was one of the rudest singers ever, which may make a tribute to him sound like a smoothed-out playlist of woman bashing.

But every now and then, Nate Dogg would sing something a bit more female friendly. In honor of hip-hop’s greatest singer and his unfortunate passing, a list of the five Nate Dogg sounds a man can play and sing along to (if he dares) for his lady.

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What Happens When You Stay With Someone You Don’t Love

March 14th, 2011 62 comments

The easy answer to the question I pose in the title of today’s post is we just break up with that person. Right? Why waste our time and energy being devoted to someone we don’t love?

But I think if it was an easy question to answer, I wouldn’t be asking. Also, I only ask because I have answer of my own to the question, and I want to write it out here to bounce it off my readers. But first, an explanation as to why I believe the obvious answer isn’t necessarily the easiest one.

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Categories: cheating Tags:

Our Days Are Now

March 11th, 2011 8 comments

Excuse me if today’s post is all over the place, just writing to wrap my head around things.

When I found out this morning about the earthquake in Japan, the tsunamis running through Hawaii and the ones headed towards the area where my family lives, of course I panicked. I called my mom at the ungodly hour of 4:00 a.m., ringing her phone until she woke up. Of course her being the woman she is, when she picked up the phone, she was worried about me.

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Categories: Life Tags:

Let’s Talk About Dental Dams For A Minute

March 10th, 2011 35 comments

In his latest stand up, “Elephant In The Room”, comedian Patrice O’Neal has a hilarious bit about safe sex and why he feels it’s a woman’s responsibility. While I don’t agree entirely with this notion, I definitely see his point, which he brings full circle in the following quote:

Here’s why [ladies] should be responsible for safe sex: How many guys in here, honestly, have used a dental dam before… [chuckles, but no show of hands or applause from the crowd] No one’s ever used one before, huh? See what I’m saying? [Ladies] are all like, ‘Put that condom on’ but…The dental dam is a piece of a trash bag, about as big as a napkin that you flip out, and you lay it over a woman’s vagina just in case it’s poison, to protect us from imminent danger. But [men] don’t use it because [women will] be insulted. If I’m getting ready to have sex with you and I pull out a piece of a trash bag, and you go ‘What is that?’ and I go ‘I’m just going to lay this out over your vagina just in case it kills me’ and you say ‘I’m sorry, what did you say?’ When we see that face, we’re like, ‘Nothing, forget it…I’d rather die than insult my way out of some p****y. I’d rather get what you got!”

It’s all jokes, so the offended can move right along as I unpack this for the rest of us mature adults to discuss.

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Categories: guys, s#x, women Tags: