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On Behalf Of All Men Who Don’t Think Less Of Women For What They Do

There are a lot of things women told me they do because a man said they should.

That’s fine.

Plenty of men do the same; take advice from a woman and apply it in hopes of landing more women. I don’t fault any woman who once heard a pearl of wisdom from a man and ran with it to increase the likelihood of her finding another man. I believe when it comes to advice about the opposite sex, seek it from the opposite sex.

But there is once piece of advice I wish women would stop entertaining, and it often comes from men. To paraphrase, it goes like this: “If you want a man to take you seriously, you need to make him wait for sex. Give it up too soon, that respect goes out the window.”

The problem with this advice is not the advice itself, but rather, the way it’s been blanketed to speak for all men when it doesn’t apply to some of us. I don’t even know if I’m in the majority when I say this, but I swear on a stack of Bibles I have never not dated a woman because she slept with me too soon. If anything, I knew before I even slept with her I wasn’t going to date her, and to her credit, she probably knew the same of me.

What kills me about this whole logic is how it’s hampered a woman’s freedom; the freedom to do whatever she wants to do when she wants to do it. I know plenty of women who would absolutely love to get their freak on with the finest man they see on sight, but they won’t, and the reason is because someone once told them if they do, that fine man is going to fancy them a h*e.

Now this isn’t the reason for all women. Some women don’t subscribe to their carnal thoughts because it doesn’t suit them or they care about things like their sexual health. Some women also don’t want to jeopardize the risk of getting pregnant by a man they barely know what with the likelihood he will leave them should a pregnancy test come out positive. To those women, hats off. I respect the decision. Those reasons are legit, but the one about how a man will judge the woman should she decide to give it up on the first date, or in the first week, or anytime before the “appropriate time” (quotes used to signify there’s practically no such thing), save it for the guys out there who let too much rap music influence their logic.

As a man, I wish I could say it was for noble reasons men don’t want to sleep with women too quickly, but the truth is, we have no noble reason. Or, let me rephrase that: I have never heard a man give me a noble reason. No man I have ever talked to said they didn’t want to sleep with a woman too soon because it jeopardizes their sexual health or they don’t want to impregnate a woman they barely know. Most men say they don’t want to be with a woman who gives it up too soon because they couldn’t “trust her”; she’s not the type of woman a man takes home to meet his mother. As though their mother never gave it up too soon.

Yeah, whatever.

I used to think the same until I started sleeping with women who were mothers and I realized some women, with child or not, want the same thing I want at the same time I want it.

When I realized that, my whole perspective changed.

One of the biggest reasons why I stopped calling women h*es or made harsh assessments about their character based on what little I knew of their sex life is because I found it to be unfair. Here I was, a man who wanted a woman to be as comfortable with sleeping with me as I was with her, and yet when she did so, I treated her like she was less than afterward. Why? It made no sense, like getting mad at someone for telling me to open my present the day before my birthday instead of on my birthday. The more I repeated the logic to myself, the more I laughed at myself. I realized the only men calling women h*es, judging a woman’s character on her bedroom antics, are the men who aren’t getting enough to be called a h*e themselves.

The truth is, it’s been years since a man like me has used terms like these to describe a woman. As far as I’m concerned, those kind of labels belong to no woman. Not to say there’s no such thing, just to say I’ve been with a lot of women and I can’t think of one for which those terms fit. The women I’ve been with do what they want when they want. They don’t subscribe to some predisposed, antiquated form of feminism based on some silly advice a man gave them a long time ago. They also don’t think I’m disrespectful because I slept with them once and then never slept with them again. If we both wanted to do it, no one was ever disrespected, and if one of us wants to do it again but one of us does not, we’re disagreeing with one another, not disrespecting one another.

I am sure there are going to be plenty of men out there who disagree with this and will still tell a woman her chances with him are best if she makes him wait for sex. But those men should say so and stay true to their word. They should man up and tell a woman they’d rather wait until some time has passed before taking things to the bedroom. Don’t be that guy who likes to take their time but keeps it a secret from the woman so when she gives it up way sooner than you were comfortable with, you take it, and then hold it against her after the fact. Not only is it childish, it makes it harder for women to believe a man like me when I tell them, my bedroom is a place where the only thing that gets judged is performance, not character.

Being a man is accepting a woman not for what she did in the past, but who she is in the present. Unlike some men, I could care less as to whether or not a woman has done with others what she has done with me, and this is not to say I’m all revolutionary in the mind. I’m not trying to set any trends in male thought here. I’m saying, I’ve outgrown an elementary way of thinking about women and if more men would let a woman do what she wants without judgment, they may find what she wants to do is the same thing he wants to do.

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The Process: Exercised for the first time in five days and the struggle was real. I don’t think I’m quite over this stomach flu virus, so I’m breaking my normal diet and eating things like bread, drinking things like ginger ale. I must get better.

Poppin’ Questions Podcast: I promise today I’m recording Episode 30, things have just been hectic right now, forgive me for the lack of consistency and in the meantime, Click here to listen to Episode 29!. Hit me on my Formspring or email me at feedback@untiligetmarried.com for a question to be considered for Episode 30.

The #UIGM Twitter Conversation: Did not go down last night, apologies. Once again, this mostly has to do with my illness. Fatigue is the biggest issue I have with being sick. We’ll be back next week though.

See a mistake? Hit me here, typos@untiligetmarried.com

Writings elsewhere: For those who watch ‘The Game’, I’ve been doing TV Recaps for the Wall Street Journal all season. Click here to read the latest one. Yesterday, I wrote a piece about Nate Dogg for NPR. Check out the tribute I wrote for him on UIGM if you haven’t already, and you will find the link to the NPR piece at the end.

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  • Anonymous

    Jozen, can you see me? Can you see me standing up and applauding? lmao. I am so sick of hearing that crap about ” a man won’t respect you if you sleep with him to soon”. What about my respect for the man? Never do we really talk about how a woman might feel about a man sleeping with her too soon and wondering if she should trust him.

    I hate double standards and I refuse to judge anyone. If I am single and I am feeling someone the only person I have to answer to for my actions is MYSELF. Sex is something that should be enjoyed and society puts these rules, and adds labels of calling a woman a h*e when a man is just being a man.

    Thank you so much for not only standing up for the men that don’t care and men that are honest and true to being in the moment. And thank you from this woman, that doesn’t abide by the “3 month” rule. Sometimes you meet someone and a relationship is the farthest thing from your mind…but if that person is looking good…sex is probably at the forefront…life is short…be safe and enjoy it.

    Great post 🙂

  • Rebelle

    You need to get sick more often, because this post is a stroke of genius. love love love it

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Glendon-Cameron/100000038058818 Glendon Cameron

    Hmmm… I have a different take, actually did a video on it the other day, too funny. There are some women who are ho’s, just like there are some men who are ho’s. It is not about -I do you, you do me we both feel good which is fine, sex is often exchanged for something….

    Like you I do not care how many men a woman has slept with long as her HIV test looks like this (-) we are good.The truth of the matter is there is some skanky ass ho-ish women in the world, just because you don’t use the word, doesn’t mean they don’t exist!

    There are a lot of women who think less of a man that slept around, so much in fact they will not bother with him….good piece homie.

  • Choosy Lover

    I agree with this logic. I have never been the type to let a man judge me for what I do as a woman. I’ve always told people that when I was a girl, I was a girl good girl but now that I am a woman I do what I want to do. There was a time when that meant that if I saw someone I wanted, I made it my business to make sure I got him in the moste tasteful manner I could utilize. My friends used to call me the “hunter” and I had a lot of fun; however, today I have a different approach. I have rules that I created for myself to live by. One such rule is IF THERE ARE THINGS I CAN’T DO WITH HIM; THEN THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO WITH HIM which is based on my belief that the best sex I have ever had was good because I had the freedom to be uninhibited. I have become a choosy lover.

  • GuestLady

    I love this post. Excellent perspective.
    I think people in general are too judgemental when it comes to sex. Sometimes you just want to sleep with someone, sometimes you don’t and sometimes you have NO intentions on giving up the goodies but the night goes so well you just do it.

    Enjoy your life, don’t let other people dictate what you should do.

  • Guest

    My first comment – I love this piece! As a 30 year old female (who’s finally “attached” to a good guy), this was so refreshing to hear. I love sex and have finally come to not give a s**t what anyone thinks about my sex life. Problem is, too many woman care about what people will think of them. GET SOME CONFIDENCE!

  • http://twitter.com/msorvam myrna orvam

    Muy bueno, Jozen. I hate double standards too and am still agog that in this day and age we still apply it. Double standards were at one time deemed necessary but that was when women had no choice but to be wives and mothers. Now we have choices but we are still arbitrarily punished for wanting to exercise them.

    My favorite part of your post was ” I am sure there are going to be plenty of men out there who disagree with this and will still tell a woman her chances with him are best if she makes him wait for sex. But those men should say so and stay true to their word.”

    I can’t wait for the commenter that will OPENLY disagree with you on your post today and give some good reasons why.

    Again..well done!

  • Guest

    You’re definitely gonna get alot of applause from many women based on your statement: “If more men would let a woman do what she wants without judgment, they may find what she wants to do is the same thing he wants to do.” Well said.
    Based on yesterday’s article about Nate Dogg, you mentioned your favorites. One of them being “Never Leave Me Alone” which you also pointed out that the song is not about wanting a woman but simply needing a woman. It is not necessary to think less of a person if all they needed was to give them pleasure. Life goes on. You can’t let other’s thoughts get to you because it’s your life not theirs. We all have our own beliefs in everything we do.

  • guest

    it’s not about one having the confidence to do so or not, it’s allowing an individual to make their own choice. If someone told you to jump off the bridge, would you do so because that person told you to do so? off maybe or maybe not. You do what you believe is best for you.

  • squeak

    I feel you but that’ll change when you have a daughter bruh. lol.

  • She_mat83

    I LOVE THIS piece! Keep is coming. You the best!

  • Rachel

    Good reasoning, logical etc. Just one thing about your analogy:

    Christmas was always better when I waited till Dec 25th to open my presents than the times when I sneaked downstairs on Dec 24th to find out simply because I couldn’t control my excitement. Just saying! Waiting- for both men and women, is a good thing.

  • VonBherAnn

    Thank you for this post, Jozen. I found myself in a situation recently where a dude criticized me for my healthy appetite for sex, and now likely won’t date me because of it (I haven’t slept with him, but he did ask me about my history, and I believed in a certain amount of disclosure, but not anymore though. I’m also healthy and disease free, so I never thought it was an issue). This post reminds me that my desire doesn’t make me a bad person or less desirable, and there’s going to be someone out there for me who thinks so and appreciates me for the awesome person that I am. we’re a sum of all our experiences, sexual ones included. and if he won’t see that, and negates all that i am now because of my past choices, on to the next one.

  • Anonymous

    I too would personally refute as a blanket statement: “If you want a man to take you seriously, you need to make him wait for sex. Give it up too soon, that respect goes out the window.” But the widespread existence of this belief should not be overlooked. Some of the biggest proponents of this view are promiscuous men.

    You also need to be aware that there are many folks who lack the immaturity to handle the physical and mental effects of sex. If that man or woman have issues around their own sexuality, guilt, shame or just lack of consciousness they will very often project those feelings onto you. We have to accept that sexuality no matter how widespread it is in the media is still very much a hot button issue and a source of much individual ignorance.

    So while i applaud the sentiments of this piece, I would caution a woman or man who has an interest in a prospective long term relationship to not be concerned with the consequences of sex too early. Not because its detrimental to that relationship but because that other person may just be able to handle all that comes with it. So you may want to determine that. It could be like offering a sweet treat to a diabetic. They may enjoy it in the moment but blame you their choice.

  • http://twitter.com/WILDINREALIFE LaurenWilder

    “If you want a man to take you seriously, you need to make him wait for sex. Give it up too soon, that respect goes out the window,” needs to be rephrased. I was given this advice a long time ago and of course I didn’t exactly follow it.

    A few years later it was revamped in the form of, “If you want something serious then get to know them to see if you want to pursue anything further.” Best approach and there’s no time limit even though folks stamp the 3-month rule in. No matter what it’s not going to make the relationship last longer because you wait if that’s what you’re thinking. I’ll back the 3-month rule in a sense of you’ll know the person a lot better, but I’m pretty sure you’ll know before then if you want sex.

    I’ve been following my own advice, “Know what you’re looking for.” Plain and simple.

  • guest

    Right – and circling back to my original comment – do what is best for you while not caring what other’s think about that decision.

  • khssxdksan

    @glendon cameron i agree with you.

    but there are no men who are ho’s. there are people who say men are ”pigs” for doing what men were pretty much made for.

    as for the author ”the only thing that gets judged in the bedroom is performance,not character”

    so character means nothing right? just date the women for sex, weather its one night stands with MILFs or your wife….?

    you just sound hypocritical.