On Behalf Of All Men Who Don’t Think Less Of Women For What They Do
There are a lot of things women told me they do because a man said they should.
Plenty of men do the same; take advice from a woman and apply it in hopes of landing more women. I don’t fault any woman who once heard a pearl of wisdom from a man and ran with it to increase the likelihood of her finding another man. I believe when it comes to advice about the opposite sex, seek it from the opposite sex.
But there is once piece of advice I wish women would stop entertaining, and it often comes from men. To paraphrase, it goes like this: “If you want a man to take you seriously, you need to make him wait for sex. Give it up too soon, that respect goes out the window.”
The problem with this advice is not the advice itself, but rather, the way it’s been blanketed to speak for all men when it doesn’t apply to some of us. I don’t even know if I’m in the majority when I say this, but I swear on a stack of Bibles I have never not dated a woman because she slept with me too soon. If anything, I knew before I even slept with her I wasn’t going to date her, and to her credit, she probably knew the same of me.
What kills me about this whole logic is how it’s hampered a woman’s freedom; the freedom to do whatever she wants to do when she wants to do it. I know plenty of women who would absolutely love to get their freak on with the finest man they see on sight, but they won’t, and the reason is because someone once told them if they do, that fine man is going to fancy them a h*e.
Now this isn’t the reason for all women. Some women don’t subscribe to their carnal thoughts because it doesn’t suit them or they care about things like their sexual health. Some women also don’t want to jeopardize the risk of getting pregnant by a man they barely know what with the likelihood he will leave them should a pregnancy test come out positive. To those women, hats off. I respect the decision. Those reasons are legit, but the one about how a man will judge the woman should she decide to give it up on the first date, or in the first week, or anytime before the “appropriate time” (quotes used to signify there’s practically no such thing), save it for the guys out there who let too much rap music influence their logic.
As a man, I wish I could say it was for noble reasons men don’t want to sleep with women too quickly, but the truth is, we have no noble reason. Or, let me rephrase that: I have never heard a man give me a noble reason. No man I have ever talked to said they didn’t want to sleep with a woman too soon because it jeopardizes their sexual health or they don’t want to impregnate a woman they barely know. Most men say they don’t want to be with a woman who gives it up too soon because they couldn’t “trust her”; she’s not the type of woman a man takes home to meet his mother. As though their mother never gave it up too soon.
I used to think the same until I started sleeping with women who were mothers and I realized some women, with child or not, want the same thing I want at the same time I want it.
When I realized that, my whole perspective changed.
One of the biggest reasons why I stopped calling women h*es or made harsh assessments about their character based on what little I knew of their sex life is because I found it to be unfair. Here I was, a man who wanted a woman to be as comfortable with sleeping with me as I was with her, and yet when she did so, I treated her like she was less than afterward. Why? It made no sense, like getting mad at someone for telling me to open my present the day before my birthday instead of on my birthday. The more I repeated the logic to myself, the more I laughed at myself. I realized the only men calling women h*es, judging a woman’s character on her bedroom antics, are the men who aren’t getting enough to be called a h*e themselves.
The truth is, it’s been years since a man like me has used terms like these to describe a woman. As far as I’m concerned, those kind of labels belong to no woman. Not to say there’s no such thing, just to say I’ve been with a lot of women and I can’t think of one for which those terms fit. The women I’ve been with do what they want when they want. They don’t subscribe to some predisposed, antiquated form of feminism based on some silly advice a man gave them a long time ago. They also don’t think I’m disrespectful because I slept with them once and then never slept with them again. If we both wanted to do it, no one was ever disrespected, and if one of us wants to do it again but one of us does not, we’re disagreeing with one another, not disrespecting one another.
I am sure there are going to be plenty of men out there who disagree with this and will still tell a woman her chances with him are best if she makes him wait for sex. But those men should say so and stay true to their word. They should man up and tell a woman they’d rather wait until some time has passed before taking things to the bedroom. Don’t be that guy who likes to take their time but keeps it a secret from the woman so when she gives it up way sooner than you were comfortable with, you take it, and then hold it against her after the fact. Not only is it childish, it makes it harder for women to believe a man like me when I tell them, my bedroom is a place where the only thing that gets judged is performance, not character.
Being a man is accepting a woman not for what she did in the past, but who she is in the present. Unlike some men, I could care less as to whether or not a woman has done with others what she has done with me, and this is not to say I’m all revolutionary in the mind. I’m not trying to set any trends in male thought here. I’m saying, I’ve outgrown an elementary way of thinking about women and if more men would let a woman do what she wants without judgment, they may find what she wants to do is the same thing he wants to do.
The Process: Exercised for the first time in five days and the struggle was real. I don’t think I’m quite over this stomach flu virus, so I’m breaking my normal diet and eating things like bread, drinking things like ginger ale. I must get better.
Poppin’ Questions Podcast: I promise today I’m recording Episode 30, things have just been hectic right now, forgive me for the lack of consistency and in the meantime, Click here to listen to Episode 29!. Hit me on my Formspring or email me at email@example.com for a question to be considered for Episode 30.
The #UIGM Twitter Conversation: Did not go down last night, apologies. Once again, this mostly has to do with my illness. Fatigue is the biggest issue I have with being sick. We’ll be back next week though.
See a mistake? Hit me here, firstname.lastname@example.org
Writings elsewhere: For those who watch ‘The Game’, I’ve been doing TV Recaps for the Wall Street Journal all season. Click here to read the latest one. Yesterday, I wrote a piece about Nate Dogg for NPR. Check out the tribute I wrote for him on UIGM if you haven’t already, and you will find the link to the NPR piece at the end.