I haven’t had the privilege of arguing with someone in a very long time. Some who know me might beg to differ, citing some random argument we had last week about some random topic, but I’m not talking about those arguments. I’m talking about the arguments born out of intimacy and love.
For some reason, I was thinking about this the other day, how long it’s been since I stayed up at night tossing and turning over words that were said with someone I cared about. When we were happy, I wondered how we ever got to the point of anger with one another. Then I thought about how much of a waste of time it all was. I remember in my previous relationships, the arguments we had, and when I look back on them today, all I can do is shake my head. They were so unnecessary, and I can’t say I learned anything from them, or, not nearly as much as I learned from the times we were happy together.
My last relationship was such a strain on the brain and the heart, that when we broke up, I declared a break from relationships. It’s been four years, and of course I have dated some fantastic women, and of course I’m not dating them anymore. And I laugh at that, because if there’s one thing I want in a relationship, it’s compatibility. I’m a stickler for it really, unwilling to compromise and refusing to buy into the idea that opposites do indeed attract. Not in my book they don’t. What attracts me is similarities, oneness, and so it’s what I go after, and it’s what I get, but the irony of it all is, it’s what I lose too.
I was once in a relationship with a woman and we never argued. Not once. We didn’t yell at one another, we didn’t really disagree with one another. If I had to use one word to describe it, I would say it was a quiet relationship. The only time any real noise was made was when one of us made a joke or we were, well, you know…For some reason, a reason I can’t think of, we’re not together anymore. Instead, she’s with another man, a man I know she’s had her fair share of problems with, and she’s been with him longer than we were together.
The reason I bring this relationship up is not because I miss it but because it still puzzles me. How did we breakup and we never argued? Even the breakup itself was quiet, or rather, it was civil. And I remember it hurt, cause she broke up with me, and it killed me quietly, softly, like a person knocked me out by covering my face with one of those toxic wet naps. There was another time I recall a peaceful breakup that hurt probably more than the breakup I went through myself.
I forgot how old I was when my mom and Pop first broke up. Maybe it was sixth grade or seventh grade. Yeah, I believe it was the seventh grade. I remember my sister and I came home from school. We were used to hearing the excitement of one of our two dogs when we walked through the door. The dog’s name was Makita, and it was my Pop’s dog. Makita was a Rottweiler, a loud four legged creature made out of fur and energy. On this particular day my sister and I came home, we didn’t notice anything different until our mom brought it to our attention. She told us Pop took Makita to the pound. Before we could even ask why, she said it was because Pop was leaving and I remember my sister and I crying so quickly but not loudly. For a house that was used to the sound of arguing and yelling, my Pop and Mom were going through the hardest part of their lives without making any noise.
We sometimes like to broadcast our moves before we make them. We say we’re going to do this and we’re going to do that, and we say these things in hopes we hurt the other person. I’m beginning to realize, if we want to hurt them, it’s probably because we still care what they think about us. When we’re truly tired of someone, they don’t keep us up at night.
This is just something I think about, and the way it’s affected not just me but many others I know. Why are so many of us so scared of peaceful relationships? If the question doesn’t apply to you, bravo, but it applies to me. When I don’t get along with someone, I know exactly what to do. Leave them alone. The more puzzling people I date are the ones I get along with the best. Things are going so well, why does that bother me and why do we end what is a good thing? This is not to say we’re cynical or want to find negative situations to involve ourselves in. But am I the only one who gets a little anxiety over someone who fits so well into my life?
I don’t think there’s a neat answer to it at all. I just bring it up because it’s something I think about, this whole breaking up without a fight, how bittersweet it is, and how the only fight it leaves us with is an internal one within ourselves.
It makes me think of the song below. I’ve always loved it not just because of the finger-snapping groove of the guitars and congas, but the lyrics. It’s bittersweet; sad and happy at the same time, like the perfect breakup with the perfect person.
The Process: Don’t think while I was on my writing hiatus I went into a health hiatus too. I actually kicked up my weekly run to six miles, and everything is coming along nicely. Videos of my fitness process with the homie Brandon Carter will be posted soon.
Poppin’ Questions Podcast: Episode 30 went up yesterday! Click here to listen! Hit me on my Formspring or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org for a question to be considered for Episode 31, which will go up tomorrow.
The #UIGM Twitter Conversation: I’m sorry folks but due to scheduling conflicts, it’s not going down tonight. Promise though this is going to return and continue. I miss it.
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Writings elsewhere: For those who watch ‘The Game’, I’ve been doing TV Recaps for the Wall Street Journal all season, and finally closed it out with last night’s season finale. Click here to check it out along with all the others (except for Episode 2, which had technical difficulties at the time).