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Home > dating, guys, women > I Like Big Butts And Other Myths Surrounding One Man’s Fondness For Black Women

I Like Big Butts And Other Myths Surrounding One Man’s Fondness For Black Women

I really do hate when I have to go here. Putting any relationship talk through a race-based prism is always the exact opposite message I attempt to convey on this blog. There is a reason I don’t use race to describe any of the women I date, and that’s largely because I don’t want anyone to think my problems, my issues, my checkered history with women from my past has anything to do with the race of women I date. In other words, I never want to give someone the opportunity to tell me something like, “Well, maybe if you dated more than just black women, you wouldn’t have the problems you had.”

There is something I find disturbing in the reactions I get when I say I only date black women. People jump to these conclusions based on their own preconceived notions, and no sooner do I make my declaration do I have to defend it. Maybe it’s because I’m mixed and people are confused why someone of mixed race would inherently choose one. As Jermaine told me over the weekend, “People only ask you why you only date black women because of the way you look.” Or maybe it’s because in America, the standard of beauty for most men is almost never a black woman, except if her name is Halle Berry or Beyonce. Whatever it is, every now and then I get fed up with the questions and even more fed up with the assumptions about the type I prefer to date. So here it is folks, my little attempt to debunk the myths about men like me who prefer to date black women, STARTING WITH THE ONE I STATE IN THE TITLE.

Okay, this is true, I do have a fondness for something on a woman’s body I can grab onto but to suggest dating black women means you have no choice but to like these other physical characteristics couldn’t be more off-base. Black women, for those who have not seen enough of them, come in all shapes and sizes just like other women of other races. I know it’s crazy to believe, outsiders, but there are indeed black women who don’t have what we in the community call a “fatty”. And guess what? I’ve dated some of those women. I once dated a woman who was a size 2. TWO! ONE! TWO! That’s it!

The first girl whose phone number I ever asked for was Asian. The first girl I ever kissed was white. Here’s a fact: If a man of any race said he only liked to date white women, he’d probably get tagged as a racist. When I say I prefer to date black women, I get tagged as some sort of militant. It’s all so silly. As I like to say, my bed will never judge one on the color of their skin. I have a preference for a certain type of woman, not a promise to them, just because I choose chocolate does not mean I’ll pass up on the Skittles.

I have been rejected by more black women than I dated, as a matter of fact, the first girl I ever liked was a black girl who told me she didn’t like me. So already my dating history was off to a losing start. Every now and then some black woman will tell me how much she despises me and accuse other black women of dating me to quit dating me because I don’t deserve their love. Well, sisters who say such things, i have news for you. A lot of black women are already in on that trend. Black women have not been dating me for years!

There may be a lot of single black women in the world, but guess what there aren’t a lot of in this world? Single black women who are fine. And here is where some woman in the comments will say, “I’m fine and I’m single.” Well, to that I say, go to the Contact tab on this blog and email me your phone number. I promise you, you won’t be single for long.

I honestly believe if I was a white man I would like black women. Some would even say I am a white man who likes black women because of my very, very light skin, but I digress (and that’s a joke). The fact of the matter is, I don’t feel any obligation to like a particular type of women based on my own ethnicity. Some people suggest the reason why some black men like black women is because they see in black women a reflection of their mothers, a lightweight form of the Oedipus complex, but I don’t know if that holds much weight either. My mom is Puerto Rican and Japanese, I’m not searching for any 2.0 versions of her. Maybe this puts me in the minority, but then again, I am a minority so it’s my natural place!

This is without a doubt, the biggest myth of them all. The thing I find most distrubing when people say this to me is what it suggests, which is that black women are monolithic, as if to date one is to date them all. Take it from me, a man who has dated all types of women over the years. Black women are as varied in physical traits as they are in mental and emotional traits. They look different. They sound different. They talk different. They feel different. They love different and not from other races of women but from each other. I have dated all types of women simply because I have dated all types of women. I’ve never had an easier time dating one black woman just because I dated other black women before her. Black women, like all women, are as vast and diverse as any other group of women. This is partly why I never really use race-based descriptors when talking about my experiences, because I so badly want people to see nothing I’m dealing with comes from a woman being black, it comes from her being who she is as an individual, as a person. I think even if she was white or Asian or Latina, a lot of the issues I’ve dealt with in relationships would still come up. I haven’t had black woman problems, I’ve had woman problems and I’m pretty sure any man who has dated any woman knows exactly what I’m talking about.

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  • sugahoneyicedtea

    Quite interesting post, Jozen. I find that although I’m attracted to Puerto Rican men, I seem to only date black guys. Although, that could have something to do with the side of town where I reside. But I love skittles 😉

  • Jess

    I disagree that black women may have different problems from nonblack women, simply because sociological studies show that because of the past history of black people in America and the consequences of that history / the policies of the past, black women tend to have different problems than those women who aren’t black. However, I do agree that people tend to group all women of the same race together, as if dating one will lend insight to the problems of all. Being a black woman myself, I tend to shy away from phrases like “I only date (name race here) men” because who’s to say that all men of that race have all the same type of problems? Sure, they have similarities at times, but the range of emotions that each person experiences is based on their past experiences. Same goes for black women, or white women, or any other race.

    Great post, Jozen! 😀 I really enjoyed it, especially after that monstrosity of a blog post in Psychology Today…

  • I.Mind.

    Wait… what exactly is a SKittle? 

  • Ashley Baca

     I think that all that (well what people are saying anyways) is just ridiculous. Yes most people have a type. It could be white, black, brown, or skittles or whatever.. LOL. It all comes down to personal preference. NOT a race thing. I know that if a fine man comes along no matter what race he is and he has swag.. I’m not gonna not talk to him or turn him down because he is not the USUAL type of guy that i would date. That is just crazy! How can you know if their the one if you don’t give them a chance?

  • Ashley Baca

     I think that all that (well what people are saying anyways) is just ridiculous. Yes most people have a type. It could be white, black, brown, or skittles or whatever.. LOL. It all comes down to personal preference. NOT a race thing. I know that if a fine man comes along no matter what race he is and he has swag.. I’m not gonna not talk to him or turn him down because he is not the USUAL type of guy that i would date. That is just crazy! How can you know if their the one if you don’t give them a chance?

  • Dewan Gibson

    Good post. I’m always surprised by the racial ignorance that still exists today, even among educated people. Just this week I’ve had an Iranian woman disparage me for being a black man in a black frat dating a white woman, heard a Latina friend knock Chaldeans for “taking over San Diego,” read Cornel West’s criticism of President Obama as in short, not black enough…not to mention assorted other mess I’ve heard from the mouths of Newt Gingrich and the like. Give me a break! 

    Like I told the Iranian woman, “I really don’t care. I’ll take my white woman to a New Black Panther Party meeting if I want.” 

  • MahoganyRain

    I stumbled upon your blog and have recently began following it. Really enjoyed reading this piece. You should date who you’re attracted to, regardless of their race. That’s my mantra anyway. As a black female who grew up in the Caribbean, and later migrated to the US, color has never been a factor where I’m from. Still isn’t for me. 

  • Guest

    It’s what your heart desires that should really matter to you. Only you know what you want and therefore no one has the right to make the choice as to who you prefer. Providing the feeling is mutual. You’re absolutely right, no matter what race the individual is, relationship issues is bound to come up. However the relationship turns out, at least communication comes into effect with whoever you’re with,  for better or worse.  

  • preferred

    I’m white and I before I got married I only dated black guys.  I ended up marrying an Asian.  My attraction to darker skin tones is no different than a man who is attracted to blondes.  No one would ever question a man who said he prefers blondes so why question men who say they prefer black women.  It’s just a preference.  I also prefer Coke over Pepsi.  Big deal.

  • TheLeoGrl

    Thank you Jozen!  Your love for black women makes my heart soar, great post <3

  • Capri

    yo homegirl actually posted a pic lol! #it’slikethat 

  • Sassee

    This was soooooo good to read………

  • Dating Sites

    to read this post Jozen good experience and thinking your shared in
    the post.Actually am in relationship with a black woman and i love her
    so much and want to marry her,whether intercultural and inter racism
    work for a successful relation please suggest me advices on this

  • Briana Myricks

    This was refreshing to read. There’s always a preconceived notion for anybody who dates outside their race, who refuses to date their race, etc. It’s none of our business who you choose to love, date, or have sex with (okay unless they’re underaged obviously). Anyways, keep the loving going. There’s all these studies that black women are the most unattractive women (which frustrates me to no end), and the single black female concept, and other BS going around. So to hear someone prefers us makes me smile 🙂

  • random (Black woman ;)) guest

    um…so why do you date black women: if it isn’t because they remind you of your mama, or the fatty, and your bed does not discriminate, or ethnicity or any other other myths you demolish above…then why do you make the distinction of black women? How can you say that there is no reason (at least you dismiss all the reasons why you’ve been assumed to only date black women) yet for some reason distinguish them from others and date them? no judgement; I really am just curious…

  • shagbark

    Is this “gentlemen prefer blondes” thing at all real?  I’ve only met one guy in my entire life who would reject a woman because of her hair color; and we all thought he was nuts.

  • Phil Goetz

    I didn’t notice until this blog post that most of this blog’s readers (who have photos) are black.  But the posts I’ve read don’t apply any more to one race or another.  So why is this?

    Most of the blogs I read are read by almost nobody but white people, even though there’s nothing white about them.  These are blogs written in America and popularized by word of mouth in America, yet they have more Russians reading them than blacks.  Do we segregate ourselves by race on the web?  Why?

  • Guest

    as far as physical attraction, what attracts to some people may not attract to others. Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder 

  • Guest

    When it comes to choosing the person we want to be with in our lives, it comes down to making judgements of each and every person whether it’s directly & indirectly which hopefully results in capturing the the kind of person that we desire in our lives

  • Guest

    in addition, Pobody’s Nerfect including you Jozen

  • Guest

    in addition, Pobody’s Nerfect including you Jozen

  • Guest

    one more thing, unfortunately, there are too many people in this world who seem to enjoy being critical of others for one’s best interest, as to make fun of others just for one’s ego.

  • sherry r.

    I say date whomever makes you happy. In the end, that’s ALL that really matters.

  • Jtrew001

    Keep going the way you are. You like who (whom?) you like and the hell with anyone else’s opinion. It’s your life. I’m white and I date black women and I don’t care whether anyone likes it or not.

  • Varp

    I enjoyed this post. I am all for ignoring social bigotry and following one’s desires when it comes to finding a mate. I’ve dated the rainbow and have found no stereotypical adherence from any woman. Woman are women.. Black, white, purple or green. There are of course cultural differences but these should be embraced not shunned. Funny how no one mentioned religion (at least as far as I have seen). Yes I have been down that road too. Christian, Jewish, Muslim and Atheist. All were colorful in their own right. Not necessarily in skin, but in character.

    God created so many different people. We should admire His skill.
    Besides, in another 50 years the earth with only have EuroAfriAsiaIndiLatinus people anyway. Homo Diversitus….. Might as well get used to now 🙂