Home > Girls You Shouldn't Fall For, guys, women > Girls You Shouldn’t Fall For: The One Who Loves You Edition

Girls You Shouldn’t Fall For: The One Who Loves You Edition

There was a woman who once loved me. A lot. And when I say a lot, I mean, more than I could handle.

The end to our story was not messy. As a matter of fact, she’s still around to this day. I run into her from time to time, we see each other pretty regularly and when we do, we are friendly. As a matter of fact, I would even go so far as to say we are this way towards each other because we are friends. So there is no ill will between us, no animosity.

For a long time, there was just, a stir of uneasiness in me whenever she was around. Part of it was guilt that I chose not to pursue things further than they went, and I knew that hurt her. The other part of the uneasiness was I had no real good reason why I cut things off in the first place.

In this woman’s defense, it was I who initially pursued her. I saw her, I wanted her, I went after her and eventually she was reciprocating the interest I showed in her. I didn’t have to strong arm her, and I certainly didn’t feed her dreams of being the man she always wanted. I just saw an attractive woman I wanted to get to know, so that’s what I did. I got to know her. She got to know me. We were moving along just fine.

But eventually my interest in her waned. I wish I could say it was because there was another woman in the picture. That’s never a nice thing to say, but at least it leaves little room for misinterpretation and over-explaining. Unfortunately, my reasons weren’t so clear, they were more so introspective, reasons that never felt intended to be spoken, just felt. Unfortunately, the transference of energy is only an abstract concept so she couldn’t feel those reasons.

Still in vain, I tried to explain myself. I tried and tried and tried over and over again because she still had questions, and she still deserved answers. When she didn’t have questions, she would act like I never told her how I felt in the first place, and it would make things awkward.

This isn’t to make her sound like a nuisance. She wasn’t being a pest and asking me why over and over again. Rather, because we agreed to be friends, she just remained super nice to me. She’d cook for me and other thoughtful things most women would only do for their boyfriends. But I wasn’t her boyfriend, I wasn’t trying to be. As a matter of fact, I was pro-actively trying not to be her boyfriend.

Every now and then, I would get caught up in her acts of kindness, her beautiful face, and the way she looked at me with adoration in her eyes. I had to snap myself out of those moments because what I was trying to avoid (and from time to time I still have to make a spin move out of this head space) is falling for someone simply because they have fallen for me.

When I was younger, the girls I liked most were the girls who liked me. I think most guys want to be with the woman who makes them feel most special. It’s not about the girl who does the things we like, it’s about the girl who actually likes to do the things we like because she really likes us. Some men want a woman who can cook, give me the woman who barely knows how to cook and is willing to learn for me.

Well, I had that woman, but I didn’t allow us to be anything more than friends all because I knew I didn’t have the feelings to reciprocate all that she did for me. What I saw in her was someone who could be a very good friend, and someone for whom I could be a very good friend. When I told her it was the best I could do, she said that was fine, and yet, she still kept on raising the bar, still kept on doing the things most women would only do for the men they love.

Maybe that means she loves me, and I wonder, how do I get her to stop? Sometimes the more pressing question is, why can’t I just love her bac>. One of my best friends has told me numerous times how crazy I am for not even giving it a shot.

But here’s the thing about shots: Those aren’t for people’s hearts.

The last thing I want to do to this woman is love her back all because she loves me. That’s no reason to love anyone. One should never wear someone down into loving them. We have to have our own reasons, independent of other people’s thoughts and actions.

So I’m not trying to love her back, and maybe that sounds lazy, but I beg to differ. This here is hard work, trying to keep someone who loves you close, but not too close, and distant but not too distant. I don’t do her dirty because she doesn’t deserve it, but I also do nothing special and yet my unremarkable acts of decency are receiving kudos from her.

I don’t want her to love me and I don’t want her to feel foolish for doing so in the first place. I want her to get over me, and stop looking past my flaws, stop accepting my rejection and retaliating with acts of kindness. I just want her to stop loving me without hating me. I could never hate her, but unfortunately I can never love her like she loves me. .

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  • @janaehijaz

    Wow Jozen. I can absolutely relate to these feelings. I was seeing someone and had the deal with the pain of telling them that it wasn’t going to go any further because the feelings just weren’t there for me, and he loved me way more than I even had the heart to love him. Sometimes I wonder if I made a monstrous mistake that I’ll regret 10 years from now, but I know that it’s my own personal guilt from the pain I know I caused, not my true love and adoration for him. You’re absolutely right when you say that giving someone ‘a shot’ isn’t for their own heart. In reality, it’s to sooth your guilt, and it’s unfair to both parties. Good luck! Love your blog. 

  • Anon

    Are you secretly hoping that she reads this and leaves you alone?

  • http://twitter.com/msorvam myrna orvam

    Sigh..this post..THIS POST came right on time for me. Just when I was letting the cynic in me win..you write this. Thanks. Thats’ all.

  • Charismanclass

    Well, I sympathize with you, Jozen, because I’ve been on both sides of the coin. It sucks when someone is seemingly “perfect” for you – meaning they meet all the items on your “checklist” but still no spark. Maybe if she stops harassing you or doing the nice little things she does, you would start being attracted to her. Sometimes all we really need is space…

  • notsolovestruck

    By accepting her “kindnesses” while knowing that your “explanations” are falling on deaf ears/she remains in a state of hope means that you are leading her on.  That’s not a very kind or caring thing to do, if indeed you care for her as much as you say you do.

  • Knickbaby511

    Im that girl. For almost 5 years. Throw in the benefits too. I love him and i know he cares deeply for me. But hes told me hes not “in love” with me. Smh

  • rw

    this one was tough, i know it came from you, but i almost wanna ask him is this whats going……the reality if this one made me sad

  • Laurenta

    oh wow , this post spoke to me,  I’ve been you, i am you and i wonder why he still loves me, i feel guilty that i cant love him back.
    But also ive been the girl, loving a guy that doesnt want me.
    life is an effing circle

  • http://twitter.com/vickstahs Vicky Nguyen

    It was surreal reading this. I could relate on every single level. Kudos Jozen!

  • http://www.max-logic.com/ maxfab

    I can relate to both sides of this. I’ve definitely been guilty of allowing myself to fall into situations with people who are feeling me when I’m not feeling them. Adoration is a very heady feeling and it definitely clouds the judgment if you’re not careful. I’ve looked back on past relationships and realized that it wasn’t him that I liked, it was how much he liked me that was really appealing. And then I felt like an as$hole for it.

    I’ve also been this girl. Too many times. You dig him, he’s a good guy, and you just want to talk to him, be around him, make him smile. You don’t have an agenda but at the same time you have hopes and you can’t help but wish that one of these times he’ll open his eyes and see how great you are and how great you could be together. That’s not your motivation for staying around, but the fact that he digs you but not the way you want him to dig you stings like a motherf*cker.

    You didn’t ask for advice but I’m going to give some anyway. This is a situation where being cruel is the kindest thing. Let her go. Stop reaping the benefits of her coolness and her generosity and her adoration and walk away. The longer you’re in her life, the longer she’ll hold on to the pebble of hope that things will happen the way she wants them to. You’re her friend, so I’m sure you want better for her than a life of clutching a pebble. Let her go so she can drop it.

  • guest

    Falling in love with the one you choose to do so should only be for the right reason(s). It takes 2 to be in a healthy loving relationship. If the feeling is not mutual, obviously it’s not meant to be.

  • http://twitter.com/goalawal Flow

    Jozen’s back.. Jozen’s back.. got all his readers thinking Jozen’s back.. Good post…

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=690796066 Deramus A. Griffin

    Thank you for the post!

  • manohman

    dang. just got a revelation off this post…

  • Sneally

    Great conclusion and I agree with you:

    “The longer you’re in her life, the longer she’ll hold on to the pebble of
    hope that things will happen the way she wants them to.”

    Reminds me of the episode of How I Met Your Mother with Carrie Underwood, entitled “Hook.” Most notable how Lily needs to come the realization to let her high school sweetheart off the hook and move on with his life toward a real chance at happiness.

  • IceQueen

     Sounds like once you got her, you lost interest. And now you are keeping her around reaping the benefits of her generous kind nature and making her think you perhaps could like her more one day….hmm shady moves my friend. Perhaps if she was a complete heartless bitch maybe you would have liked her more. Men like you like the chase and want the unobtainable….

  • Mandi

    This one is gooooooooood!

  • NinaLuvX

    It seems as though every blogger is speaking to every aspect of my life at this very moment. Im the girl in the situation, every day Im coming to terms with the fact that its never going to be what I expected or what I want. He tells me Im just not what he wants, I hear that but I still don’t have a good reason why not. He moved me from another state to his home town and one month later says it’s not going to work. Now I feel like Im only trying because Im alllllll the way out here. I know I would hurt more if he tries just to make peace in this house and just to make happy. When somebody does something for you when they dont really want to, they end up resenting you and you’ll still end up hurt in the end, because more than likely he’s going to end up cheating..

    Max “Too many times. You dig him, he’s a good guy, and you just want to talk to him, be around him, make him smile. You don’t have an agenda but at the same time you have hopes and you can’t help but wish that one of these times he’ll open his eyes and see how great you are and how great you could be together. That’s not your motivation for staying around, but the fact that he digs you but not the way you want him to dig you stings like a motherf*cker.—  

    This is exactly how Im feeling, exactly what goes thru my head every single day!!!

  • Georgiagirl4lyfe

    This post hit so close to home that it’s scary. I just think my ex was scared of everything that was happening and how fast it happened. The hardest thing is loving someone who doesn’t love you back or who’s scared of loving you back.

  • Guest

    It sounds to me like you are trying to convince yourself to not get into something with this girl (eg. snapping yourself out of moments, not allowing yourself to take it further, not trying to love her back and thinking it sounds lazy).  I’ve been in that place where I wasn’t trying to like someone cuz I was scared to be open and emotional again, so I played him like it was nothing and was doing the same thing of talking myself out of stuff I felt and denying to my friends that I liked them. It was stupid and childish and I regret doing it.If you change the word “shot” to the word “chance” then that would pretty much be what we all do with people we like and date. We are taking a chance on that person, our heart and heir heart because we are allowing our feelings to show no matter if we are scared to or don’t think we are prepared. If it works it doesn’t and if it doesn’t you gave it a shot/chance.

  • guest29

    I agree, I’ve been this person and all I wanted was a chance to see if it could work. It may not work but at least you gave it a chance, instead of looking back oneday and wishing you would of at least tried or wondering what could of been.

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  • Jpev

    God, same situation except reversed; She’s the guy and I’m the girl.

  • jess

    I am her. I refer to “it” as a situationship, and he, my umfriend. (“Oh, this is my – um – friend, J…”)
    we’ve known each other for about 3 years. we’re coworkers, another torrid aspect, and 10 years apart in age, I being the junior, which is a common dating situation for me. I became interested in him almost immediately, and my puppy love was swiftly and thoroughly rejected for quite a while, but our friendship flourished. he went on to become my math tutor for a couple of semesters, and our group hangouts progressed to one on one time. he showed interest in me on more than one occasion, and till things came to a dramatic head when we decided things couldn’t go that way for our work situation, age difference, and his general emotional availability. fast forward many months through a serious frontal lobe injury that he has amazingly recovered from, I being one of the only ones to visit him in the hospital,and add to the milieu a logical progression of friend/relationship has landed us at hanging out several times a week, me sleeping in his bed was shocking regularity, but there still being very little of and a physical relationship between us, some hookups from this summer withstanding. we recall dos the physical aspects of our relationship back in October and vowed to be just friends. I left his house yesterday when he did, he for work, following a playful evening of drinks including commiserating, silly music, a coaster fight, a massage (from me only, of course), and an orgasm for each of us…it was the fifth time in 3 years that we’ve ever had sex. it was the most organic. instead of sounding tremendously plagued by regret, he just smiled at me after I came and said “Wow, you really needed that.” We held hands while we fooled around. We don’t in public. He let me sleep in the next day, my day off. I took him to the hardware store so he could work on his truck, and I went to the grocery and made us a huge breakfast, him being the ever hapless bachelor. It was a warm experience overall, but goodbye is an ear to ear “see you later”, there are no kisses, almost ever ever ever, and I am only my name, never “babe” or whathaveyou. If questioned, we are coworkers and friends… we are questioned often enough. I know, though, that he is not in love with me.

    So, anyway, just wanted to share my analogous situation, I think it was amazing to read about this kind of arrangement from the perspective of the under separate kidding, especially in the same male and female roles. Your attitude towards hurting her is commendable. I hope all four of us come out on top.

  • jess

    Voice recognition typos galore…*with shocking regularity
    perspective of the *unreciporcating