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Thoughts On Turning 30: Love and The Evolution of My Style

I’m not talking about the way I dress, I’m talking about my style of being a man to a woman.

Not too many years ago, a woman I dated told me, “You are this dramatic character I couldn’t of made up in the wildest corners of my imagination.” I took it as a compliment when I first heard it, and then I grew up.

More recently, a woman told me, “Your problem is you think you’re easier to date than you really are.” This statement wasn’t meant to be a compliment, but seeing as it is the polar opposite of what used to be said about me, it was easy to interpret it as such.

When it comes to loving a woman, being with a woman, every man has to have his own style. As I get older, I’m trying to evolve mine. You know how things can get too ripe? That’s where I’m at with my style. I’m trying to find a happy medium between being the dramatic character I once was and the blasé guy I am now, the one whose favorite phrase is “Que sera, sera.”

My love used to be tight, now it’s all loose.

Women would meet my mom all quick, now I won’t even talk on the phone in front of a woman.

I used to wonder how to love, now I wonder how to care.

So what’s my point?

I haven’t been in a relationship in over three years, and sometimes I think that’s a good thing, because it’s taught me more about myself than I ever learned when I was in a relationship. No longer do I trip, that’s a big part of my evolution. I can’t really remember the last time I argued with a woman the way I argued with my girlfriends, don’t recall losing sleep over any woman recently. For close to three years, the drama with the opposite sex has been minimal, but the scary thing I’m realizing is the lack of drama in my life might not be a result of growth, but rather, a deep-seated fear to go “there” again.

My approach to dating a woman has been what the old folks would call “too cool for school.” As Jay-Z once said, “I used to give a f*ck, now I give a f*ck less.” The pendulum has swung too far in the opposite direction and these days I’m doing one of two things: I’m either spreading out my feelings amongst a couple of women at the same time so as to not have to ever get too caught up in my chest over one, or I’m ridding myself of the couple of women so I can be completely alone.

I used to think when I turned 30, I would be more willing to settle down with one person. I turn 30 in five days, and I believe I am more willing, though I’m probably further away from doing such a thing than I was three years ago. For some reason, my whole laid back approach to dating has turned me into, dare I say it, a commitment-phobe, which I never used to be or thought I could be.

All this is because I’m trying to avoid is a breakup. Those used to be in style, now they’re not. They suck. I hate them, and the last one I went through I told myself, the next time I breakup, the next time I lose sleep over such a thing, better be because I’m getting a divorce.

Thing is, I don’t want a girlfriend, I want a woman who has the potential to be my wife. So these days, I date a wide swath, in hopes she will rise above the fray and reveal herself to me. I play it cool because I don’t want to force anything, and I thought this was the right way, but…I don’t know. Maybe there is no right or wrong way, and my way just needs to continue to evolve. I used to come to the table overdressed and these days, I’m coming dressed down. Obviously it doesn’t make me easier to date, as one woman pointed out, but I know I’m not as difficult to date as I used to be. I don’t know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing, but for now it’s my thing, my style.

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  • Jenny

    This entry reminds me of one of my favorite John Mayer songs: Good Love is on the Way. Check it out if you haven’t heard it.

    I can totally identify. Seems like I’ve been “not in a relationship” for so long that I can’t really see myself in one… although I want to be in one, someday. The whole thing seems out of reach. I have become a lazy lover.

  • http://www.wix.com/katwebb84/katwebb84 KitKatCuty84

    This post reminded me of a song, too!: Musiq Soulchild’s “Teach Me How to Love”. LOL.

    Anyway, I would say that Jozen’s “style” is THE style right now. It’s all the rage. Dudes think they’re doing themselves a favor by not giving a fck, not realizing that they’re not even really getting to know anyone they’re dealing with, or what it might be like to be with them, because they’re not putting themselves out there.

    It’s my favorite scene in “He’s Just Not That Into You” when Ginnifer Goodwin’s clueless and hopeless romantic character, after being brutally rebuffed by Justin Long’s cold-hearted playboy character, says about Justin’s style, “You may not get hurt or make an ass of yourself that way but you don’t fall in love that way either. You have not won. You’re alone. I may do a lot of stupid sht but I’m still a lot closer to love than you are.”

    And I totally believe that. I believe that a lot of dudes are going to wake up when they’re 40 and realize they met the woman they wanted at 27 and have been drifting ever since, too scared.

    But hey, I’m a single gal myself. I’m so worried about being victim to the many schemes and scams out there, or falling madly in love with a guy who’s seeing another woman and has no intention of falling for me, that I’m avoiding dudes altogether. Once the strong negative feelings fade, I’ll get back on that horse.

  • Guest

    i thought i was the only one feeling the way you expressed in your last paragraph. it’s good to see someone out there understands. Thank you.

  • http://www.max-logic.com/ maxfab

    “My approach to dating a woman has been what the old folks would call “too cool for school.” As Jay-Z once said, “I used to give a f*ck, now I give a f*ck less.” The pendulum has swung too far in the opposite direction and these days I’m doing one of two things: I’m either spreading out my feelings amongst a couple of women at the same time so as to not have to ever get too caught up in my chest over one, or I’m ridding myself of the couple of women so I can be completely alone.”

    This.

    Swap “man” for “woman” and this is my life for the last seven years. And the longer it goes on the harder it is to break myself out of it.

    Just….yeah. This post is so singing my life.

  • http://www.theheartmalfunctions.com Carla Ashley

    Question: How are you supposed to find the woman who has the potential to be your wife if you do not start taking the risk involved with letting your emotions be invested in another person again?

    People may end up hurting you or disappointing you, but it’s been my belief that if I am completely honest with myself and with the people I date on my wants/needs I will one day meet the person who is looking and willing to work with me for what we (keyword: we) want. 

  • http://twitter.com/Lacee2882 Kendra

    As much hurt and pain I have grone through in relationships and “relationships”, I still open myself up to finding that one person I will spend my life with.

    I find myself also getting in those moods where I don’t care to meet anybody or thinking who cares if I ever get married, but deep down inside, I know that’s not how I really feel.

    I’ll be turning 29 next month and this is definitely not how I saw my life when I was younger, but it is what it is now. I have still have hope that one day I will meet my husband, but until then, I accept my status as single and am happy with it.

  • http://twitter.com/t4mmy t-zilla

    you need a google + thing to +1 this.