Five Things They Should Have Never Given To Women
My ex-girlfriend and I lived together for about three months before she finally decided the apartment she moved into, the same apartment I had been living in already for a year by myself, needed some moderate upgrades. With her help, subtle changes were made, like a bathroom rug, a colorful bed spread, and the legendary trash can I have written about in a previous post.
But there was one upgrade she made that was a little too flashy for my taste. She wanted to get a dual-headed detachable shower head. This thing was luxurious, and too extravagant for a bathroom that had off-brand soap and brown bottles of hydrogen peroxide in bulk. It wasn’t that I didn’t like it, it was just, my lifestyle didn’t warrant such a flashy item. I thought to myself, If I was a bachelor this shower head would be perfect, but I’m in a relationship? Naw, it’s an unnecessary stunt.
We got it anyway and it stayed with me until we broke up and she took it. Later I asked her what she ended up doing with it and she said she threw it away, which pissed me off. Why do women have the nicest things and use them for the most plain reasons? Had she let me keep the shower head, pleae believe I’d have found multiple purposes for it. This is why I say there are certain things women don’t need to have, not because they can’t use them, but because they don’t know how to use them properly.
Below, a list of five things women have but under utilize
The Panty Dropping Apartment
This is actually the inspiration behind today’s post. Over the weekend, I helped one of my female friends move into her brand new apartment. The new place is beautiful, or what my friends call, a panty-dropping apartment. For those who don’t know what the term panty-dropping apartment means, it’s basically a place that’s so nice a woman feels like she has no choice but to drop her panties when she enters. This is the kind of place my friend girl has. There’s high ceilings, a huge living room, a huge bedroom, plenty of closet space, and an outside deck. By the time I put down the last box of her things on her immaculate wooden floors, I was all types of jealous of her new digs. The apartment is best suited for a man, not a woman. If I was living there, the first thing I would install is a hook right by the door where a woman can hang her panties up. Outside on her deck, I would get a baby pool and then put a round card table on top of it, this way my female guest and I could play a game of Uno in the sun while enjoying the feel of soothing cold water splashing against our ankles. That was my idea. Meanwhile, she’s in the common area measuring square footage to see how big of a table she can fit to host dinner parties. What a shame. This is why God doesn’t give me nice things.
High Class Gym Memberships
Ladies, you have some nerve, joining a world class gym, filled with shiny weights and state-of-the-art muscle building machines, only to bypass all of that to go straight to the yoga class. Don’t even look at the pull up bar! I work out at home, so I don’t really care about this, but when I did have a gym membership, I always noticed the women doing stuff they could easily duplicate at home. Ladies, if the only thing you’re using at the gym are the floor mats, save your money.
Huge Flat Screen TVs
I’m tired of walking into women’s apartments seeing these 52″ flat-screen televisions with HD, and they’re watching HGTV or The Food Network or SATC on Blu-Ray. Ladies! What are you all doing?! That TV should have pay-per-view boxing, the game, or ESPN on only! No one wants to see Carrie Bradshaw crying in high-definition, no real housewife belongs on a screen so pristine. Ugh. Speaking of devices with big screens…
High End Computers
I swear women have the nicest computers but don’t be using them for any of the right things. She’s sitting there with that 17″ monitor, picture clear as the ocean is to a lifeguard, and perusing Bossip, watching YouTube videos of kittens canoodling, and having PG13 Skype time. Not even using the Facetime right. Girl, give me that damn computer! You should be on FunnyorDie.com, another website I can’t name because my mom is reading this, and having the most inappropriate conversation of all time on Skype. That, my dear, is how you use a computer.
The Car With The Booming System
There are women out here riding these streets with an ill Monster system in the whip, and have the nerve to bump Rihanna’s “Please Don’t Stop The Music” like the whole world wants to hear that song. Apparently no one told her that her system is made for old Juvenile songs and Meek Mill’s “I’m A Boss”. I love jazz and I wouldn’t even bump Coltrane on her system, it would be rap only. Why do you have the kind of speakers that make windows shake and you’re bumping Beyonce’s “End of Time”? Save that for those headphones you wear while working out in your spin class at the high class gym of which you are a member.