Home > Five Things > Five Things They Should Have Never Given To Women

Five Things They Should Have Never Given To Women

My ex-girlfriend and I lived together for about three months before she finally decided the apartment she moved into, the same apartment I had been living in already for a year by myself, needed some moderate upgrades. With her help, subtle changes were made, like a bathroom rug, a colorful bed spread, and the legendary trash can I have written about in a previous post.

But there was one upgrade she made that was a little too flashy for my taste. She wanted to get a dual-headed detachable shower head. This thing was luxurious, and too extravagant for a bathroom that had off-brand soap and brown bottles of hydrogen peroxide in bulk. It wasn’t that I didn’t like it, it was just, my lifestyle didn’t warrant such a flashy item. I thought to myself, If I was a bachelor this shower head would be perfect, but I’m in a relationship? Naw, it’s an unnecessary stunt.

We got it anyway and it stayed with me until we broke up and she took it. Later I asked her what she ended up doing with it and she said she threw it away, which pissed me off. Why do women have the nicest things and use them for the most plain reasons? Had she let me keep the shower head, pleae believe I’d have found multiple purposes for it. This is why I say there are certain things women don’t need to have, not because they can’t use them, but because they don’t know how to use them properly.

Below, a list of five things women have but under utilize

The Panty Dropping Apartment

This is actually the inspiration behind today’s post. Over the weekend, I helped one of my female friends move into her brand new apartment. The new place is beautiful, or what my friends call, a panty-dropping apartment. For those who don’t know what the term panty-dropping apartment means, it’s basically a place that’s so nice a woman feels like she has no choice but to drop her panties when she enters. This is the kind of place my friend girl has. There’s high ceilings, a huge living room, a huge bedroom, plenty of closet space, and an outside deck. By the time I put down the last box of her things on her immaculate wooden floors, I was all types of jealous of her new digs. The apartment is best suited for a man, not a woman. If I was living there, the first thing I would install is  a hook right by the door where a woman can hang her panties up. Outside on her deck, I would get a baby pool and then put a round card table on top of it, this way my female guest and I could play a game of Uno in the sun while enjoying the feel of soothing cold water splashing against our ankles. That was my idea. Meanwhile, she’s in the common area measuring square footage to see how big of a table she can fit to host dinner parties. What a shame. This is why God doesn’t give me nice things.

High Class Gym Memberships

Ladies, you have some nerve, joining a world class gym, filled with shiny weights and state-of-the-art muscle building machines, only to bypass all of that to go straight to the yoga class. Don’t even look at the pull up bar! I work out at home, so I don’t really care about this, but when I did have a gym membership, I always noticed the women doing stuff they could easily duplicate at home. Ladies, if the only thing you’re using at the gym are the floor mats, save your money.

Huge Flat Screen TVs

I’m tired of walking into women’s apartments seeing these 52″ flat-screen televisions with HD, and they’re watching HGTV or The Food Network or SATC on Blu-Ray. Ladies! What are you all doing?! That TV should have pay-per-view boxing, the game, or ESPN on only! No one wants to see Carrie Bradshaw crying in high-definition, no real housewife belongs on a screen so pristine. Ugh. Speaking of devices with big screens…

High End Computers

I swear women have the nicest computers but don’t be using them for any of the right things. She’s sitting there with that 17″ monitor, picture clear as the ocean is to a lifeguard, and perusing Bossip, watching YouTube videos of kittens canoodling, and having PG13 Skype time. Not even using the Facetime right. Girl, give me that damn computer! You should be on FunnyorDie.com, another website I can’t name because my mom is reading this, and having the most inappropriate conversation of all time on Skype. That, my dear, is how you use a computer.

The Car With The Booming System

There are women out here riding these streets with an ill Monster system in the whip, and have the nerve to bump Rihanna’s “Please Don’t Stop The Music” like the whole world wants to hear that song. Apparently no one told her that her system is made for old Juvenile songs and Meek Mill’s “I’m A Boss”. I love jazz and I wouldn’t even bump Coltrane on her system, it would be rap only. Why do you have the kind of speakers that make windows shake and you’re bumping Beyonce’s “End of Time”? Save that for those headphones you wear while working out in your spin class at the high class gym of which you are a member.

 

Categories: Five Things Tags:
  • dee

    Why do you need so many bottles of hydrogen peroxide?!

  • http://twitter.com/CarterAfterDark The Hybrid

    well if this isn’t sexist, idk what is.

  • http://twitter.com/CarterAfterDark The Hybrid

    do all men truly think like this?

  • Inquiring

    I know this was tongue and cheek… at least I HOPE it was, but this list sucks. How dare you tell women how to use devices THEY PAID FOR!! Do we come into our male counterparts homes and talk sh!t about how you fools mess-up a perfectly good dresser by filling its drawers with half-EMPTY cologne bottles, hair brushes and socks while so “carefully” leaving your clothes on the FLOOR! Do we enter your personal space and tear down those GAWD AWFUL posters of what ever the f*ck that is and tell you how your walls should be used to showcase fine art and family experiences… not pay homage to SCARFACE UGH!!

    Anyway, I say all that to say… mind yo’ business! I’m guilty of damn near errythang on this list… And, as a fellow dual showerhead owner I take personal offense. Those thangs are amazing!!! Why can’t we enjoy them how we choose too? We paid for it! Not to mention when you got big hair like myself, you need all the showerheads you can get… psssht! 

  • Ladybird

    Ha…i enjoyed the humor of this.  To some degree…well….yea..you might have a few, tiny, little, itty, bitty points :)  Funny post though and I thank you.  I left the ipod at home today and the co-workers are driving me to drink.  Much needed reprieve!

  • http://twitter.com/Ms_LadyC Ellen Nora

    I’m sorry but this is too funny and true…

  • Naomi

    LMAO! Jozen I’m cracking up! I’m NOT guilty of any of those things, but I promise if I had a 52″ TV..ESPN would be on (A LOT), but I’d def need to watch some Bridezilla, Whose Wedding is it Anyway, What Not to Wear etc, from my kitchen while trying some recipe I got from watching the Food Network..Hehe.

  • Anonymous

    LMAO I was thinking the same thing

  • @JavaniG

    #GUILTY! I have EVERY SINGLE ONE…lol

  • http://www.RealTalk123.com Alesia Michelle

    Yeah… (@Dee) why all the bottles of hydrogen peroxided lol?  I had my first laugh today because of this post.  The last 2 sentences are golden, so funny! I am really guilty when it comes to a lot of the things on this list.  I have 2 huge HDTVs, and I love HGTV; but I do watch football on Mondays and Sundays. Once upon a time I did have the pimped out car with the huge bass and deluxe sized speakers, but after I got a ticket from a VA cop my parents took them out… : ( The shower-head is a staple for a big girl bathroom.  Everyone living in the 21st century needs a dual shower head! Any avid HGTV watcher knows that! lol

  • courtney

    This is hilarious! im guilty of ALL!

  • courtney

    extra baffled that you would want to take credit for the idea with the baby pool. that is level 10 on the tacky scale. 

  • http://twitter.com/charismanclass Charisma N Class

    LOL! This is too funny. I’m guilty on all accounts. 

  • StrawberryPoptarts

    is this a serious response or sarcasm? i found the list amusing to say the least. 

  • Guest

    I enjoy reading your insight to the topic you choose to discuss on your websites because you’re a very good writer who makes alot of sense. However, As for the things that women should not have based on your belief, whatever makes them happy. Especially if it was purchased through their earnings. Perhaps these women who purchased the things mentioned were raised by the influence of men. Perhaps some women grew up being a tomboy in their earlier years. Or in this day in age, some women have grew up to be lesbians- the masculinity in them. As for what these women are doing with these things such as watching cats on their high end computers, perhaps it’s the child in them that make them do such things. We all have a bit of child in us that show the playfulness in us. Some just take it to the extreme. I don’t like to judge people based on what they like to do that makes them happy. Based on another source i read, “There are masculine and feminine traits in all of us” – perhaps that’s the reason why women have things that you believe they shouldn’t have. Then again, there are some people out there, men and women who like to flaunt their money by purchasing things to show and tell. Some people would rather use their money they earned on exquisite things, whereas some people would rather put their money on life savings such as RRSP-which i totally support. Perhaps these women who buy such things are not aware of Registered Retirement Savings Plan. Whatever the case maybe, if these people don’t think straight on how to spend their money, they’re going to end up having a debt ceiling plan. 

  • Jenny

    Ummm… somebody needs to use that shower head in one of the ways Jozen insinuated. :-)

  • Inquiring

    sarcasm

  • Inquiring

    Ummm… excuse you but I am not sticking that thang up my cooch… just ew!

  • Inquiring

    Go read “Guest’s” comment… that was serious. See the difference?

  • Inquiring

    Me too… maybe it was on sale… at Costco? It is Harlem haha!

  • Inquiring

    Me too… maybe it was on sale… at Costco? It is Harlem haha!

  • Inquiring

    That didn’t belong here… 

  • Anonymous

    not that i’ve ever used a shower head in that way but u dont have to put it inside you…

  • Anonymous

    not that i’ve ever used a shower head in that way but u dont have to put it inside you…

  • Inquiring

    Wouldn’t that just tickle? I don’t get it… and no need to explain, I’m good but thanks.

  • EmJay

    Hilarious!  All of those things is true!  I hate seeing women buy memberships to high class gyms and either not go, or only go for step aerobics.  I can aerobics in my living room with fit tv…

    I am guilty of one of these:  I have an awesome laptop with amazing features. I bought it specifically because of these cool features… and have rarely used any of them… smh

  • Erica

    I imagine this was to be funny but why do you get to tell me what to watch on my TV that I paid for?  And women shouldn’t have nice apartments because you think you would use it better?  just WOW

  • Guest

    lol!!! Is that the only thing you can think of? How about washing the soap off of somebody else’s back…….

    But that’s not what this post is about. :-)

  • Inquiring

    Actually I didn’t… I mean, if that was the case wouldn’t he have just said “use it to wash the soap off someone’s back “instead of all the innuendos and whatnot?

    *shrug* Maybe I’ve got a dirty mind.

  • Oh my!

    Girl don’t knock it til you try it!!! Bwahahahahaha!!!

  • Inquiring

    Again?? Dammit.

  • http://twitter.com/msorvam myrna orvam

    Guilty on 3 out of 5 of your “offenses” Jozen!!  But there’s a method here. See..Gym membership might get you attention of hot guy..then hot guy wants to come to your briefs or boxers dropping apartment that has the 42 inch HD tv which will result in him staying for a bit, right? Not that I’m trying to do this..but it makes sense, no? LOL Also…judging from earlier comments it looks like I should be investing in a dual headed detachable shower head…

  • http://twitter.com/scatterbrainedt Taleia

    I am guilty of a few of these… LOL

  • alice

    i initially wanted to hate this post but could only laugh as i read on…these are all things that my fiance has said to me.

  • http://www.wix.com/katwebb84/katwebb84 KitKatCuty84

    I’m not guilty on any of these counts, but, aside from the gym membership, I don’t think men should’ve been given these things either. They use things like the panty-dropping apartment as a weapon to slay ladies. And they use the big screen tv perpetually tuned to the game as a way to tune their gfs/ladies out. And I’m not so sure watching porn in HD is a “better” use of a nice computer.

  • Nicole

    seriously? this post wasn’t meant to be taken literally. lighten up. 

  • PYT

    I actually have several of these items myself! I have always had great apartments and for some reason better apartments than the guys I have dated. I’m have been gun shy about having dudes come over to my places because its a “boxer-dropper/get you pregnant so I can live like this too” thing. I will say that I have 4 laptops and have watched porn on every one of them including the 17 in. (I don’t do kitties). I may watch Single Ladies on my big screen tv but please believe I have all the sports channels and moive channels for anyone who wants to watch…in HD. I will say that I do use my gym membership for more than yoga class. I use the machines with the adjustable weights too.

    I didn’t think this was a sexist list at all. It was funny and also reminded me of a time when I told a loser ex “mine is bigger than yours” and that pertained to everything on this list and then some.

  • http://twitter.com/CDNDreamin Jinx Moneypenny

    LOL.

    I don’t care for any of it except having a booming system in my car…so I can blast all the Ellie Goulding, Katy B and Q-Tip I want!

    Oh wait, and the panty-dropping apartment, lmao.

  • Chicgrl98

    LOL..great post. Needed that laugh and apparently a new shower head

  • MyInner Cheerleader

    All very true.  I am especially guilty of having a fancy computer I don’t utilize. 

  • http://www.theheartmalfunctions.com Carla Ashley

    Haha I’m so guilty of under utilizing all of these 5 things at one point in my life. I’m sitting on underutilized MacBook Pro right now and watching reruns of Criminal Mind on my flat screen right now as a matter of fact…oops.

    But on the real, a girl has GOT TO HAVE the PERFECT showerhead!!

  • http://www.relationshiptalk.net/arlene/blog/ Arlene

    You lost me at the baby pool on the deck. I couldn’t get my feet out of the cool water long enough to read all the rest of your complaints about womanhood….

  • http://clothingoptionalshoesrequired.com/ The Girl in the Shoes

    The apartment makes me feel relaxed in my space; my gym membership is so I can lift, run, and spin in some air conditioning (since its a billion degrees outside); the TV is for trash-reality shows and SATURDAY/SUNDAY football, iCan’t live without my MAC, and I have the system because I like my Rick Ross turnt up 😉  

  • guest

    i believe Erica’s point was: “what’s it to you Jozen”

  • Leafinthewind Tiffany

    Same here !! I’m a guilty porn addict and utilize are my cool toys to watch the 72 ” flat with the apple tv so I can beam it from my iPad 2.

  • Brandy

    The apartment was invented by women and abused by men. The TV and computer invented by men, abused by men. Gym membership invented by men for women to be abused by men. And I’m sorry but have you ever heard Sade’s Sweetest Taboo on a banging ass system? You will never want to hear it any other way. 

  • Doesn’t Matter

    Jozen you’re tripping, “End of Time” has great live instrumentation. That song probably sounds amazing on a good sound system.