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California Love Or Lack Thereof

Last night, I had the opportunity to attend the Beyoncé concert at Roseland Ballroom. A write-up of the show is soon to come and when it does I will post a link to it so all can read here’s the write-up, so I won’t get into too many details of the show.

In the early part of the performance, Beyoncé ran through some of her Destiny’s Child hits, most of which I take issue with because I feel like they fried the brains of a generation of women, but that’s neither here nor there. They’re still good songs, that much I can admit. The only song I was bracing myself for her to perform was “Soldier”. If she had, I would have walked out immediately.

To the ladies of the world who are dating a man from California or anywhere on the West Coast, let me tell you how to piss him off: Play “Soldier” just once in his presence. Watch him get up and go, even if the place where he’s leaving is a car that is going 60 miles per hour. I know this is a fact because I’m from California and I am still upset my Cali brethren and I were slighted in this song. Cali men received absolutely no love in this song, and the first person who tries to convince me Michelle Williams’ verse was the de-facto ode to West Coast dudes all because a corny looking Ice Cube made a cameo in the video while she sang, I’d like to give you directions to the depths of the Pacific ocean.

I’m very proud of my California roots. I’ve lived on the East Coast for 11 years — four in D.C. (where I was was actually born), five in New York City — and I still identify myself as a California man, Northern California to be exact. I am not from a well-known part of the state. Seaside is like an hour south of San Jose and nearly six hours north of Los Angeles, but I still rep my city and my coast like it’s a badge of honor. Just the other day when I was at the grocery store, the cashier asked me where I was from, when I told her California, she said she could hear it in my accent. I took it as a compliment.

I think for men more than women, especially men who are raised somewhere but end up leaving home to see what else life has to offer, a lot of their identity is steeped in where they’re from. One of brothers is a proud New Yorker, born and raised in the city and will remind anybody who thinks different. My friends from college are from all different parts of the map, and they too love to talk about home and how it helped them become the men they are. I myself might not ever go back to California to live (I actually want to settle down in D.C. one day) but I always want people to be able to pick up on the fact that I’m from there.

One of the other things about being from California and living outside of it, is the need to explain to people how there are essentially two different states within the state itself. As I said, I’m from Northern California, a place that is wholly unique and different from Southern California which encompasses everything from L.A. on down to San Diego. This is true not only for men, but also for women. I’ve dated girls from both the southern and northern region of California and if asked to, I would write a whole dissertation on their differences. I gather with men, there are similar differences between men from both regions women can point out, but I don’t know for sure, and this is what I wanted to inquire from the women who read this blog.

What is it like to date us Cali men? What are the consistent identifiers? Seeing as whoever wrote “Soldier” for Destiny’s Child obviously never dated a man from Cali in their life, I want to hear from women who have experiences with Cali men what’s their appeal? When it comes to regional descriptors for men, us West Coast guys are lacking. Most women I have dated tell me I’m the first guy from California they ever dated, unless she’s from California herself. A lot of women are quick to say what they like about Southern guys, East Coast guys, and some can even get specific on the men from the flyover places like any city in Ohio and Chicago or Detroit. But Cali? I’m always hearing women describe us as “random”.

What the hell does that even mean?

So ladies, help me out, I don’t care if it’s good or bad, northern or southern Cali, Portland, Oregon or Seattle, Washington, just let me know, what kind of men are West Coast men known to be? Married or dating a man from the West Coast? What do you like about him that you can say is tied to his West Coast roots? I’m curious and I’m pretty sure every other man from the West Coast is too. Once I have enough comments I will compile them all in an email and send them to all my music industry contacts in attempt to get some woman to write and sing a hit record dedicated to men like me.

Thanks in advance.

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  • LAgirl

    I’m from Cali, plus I’ve moved to the east coast so I can say this. No manners, spoiled and don’t have handyman skills. lol

  • FL Girl

    I was into a guy from San Fran. He went to college in GA, moved to my part of FL and now resides back West, not CA though. He was open to almost anything–food, music, travel, whatever. I’d not experienced such openness before. He created the San Fran diversity.  

  • FL Girl

    I was into a guy from San Fran. He went to college in GA, moved to my part of FL and now resides back West, not CA though. He was open to almost anything–food, music, travel, whatever. I’d not experienced such openness before. He created the San Fran diversity.  

  • FL Girl

    credited* not created.

  • FL Girl

    credited* not created.

  • Stephanie

    Born and raised in the Bay Area, dated men from the East Coast and prefer men from the West (Best) Coast. They just have that swag that can’t compare with other places. You got the gentleman on the inside, bad boy swag on the outside. I feel like men from the East Coast are a little too cocky for my liking. You got sour grapes in every bunch though, haha. 

  • Taleia

    Cali guys, are super open minded and laid back. Very easy to talk to and a wide variety of interests.

  • Me

    In my experience California dudes are just weird. I don’t know if it is the fact that California thugs use subject-verb agreement or what. Maybe it is because I don’t understand west coast slang like “nephew” and “church”. Me and California dudes are NEVER on the same page, but not in a “different view on life” way. They just are all weird (present company excluded). If I met a dude that told me “don’t put trash in the bathroom trash can. Instead use the kitchen trash because there is a top on it.” I would do it and think “that is weird, he must be from California.”

  • Allykat

    Born & raised in the Bay (Richmond to be exact), but been in DC for the past 9 years by way of LA. *phew that was a lot*. There is a difference between east coast and west coast men. I can’t put my finger on it, but its a distinct difference. In the end give me anyone from anywhere who respects women and wants to have a good time.

  • Guest

    It is known that when you do something out of random, it usually ends up being unexpectedly great or worth the while, nothing planned but an honest venture. It happened because you chose to go at it without expecting anything out of it, good and or bad. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Going back to your review on Crazy Stupid love in which you said about what it is that you don’t want to see men do when falling in love because it would not be honest-that should answer your question as to what it means when you’re described as a random-a person with honesty. That’s what i like about reading your insights on untiligetmarried. All what you write on your website is real and honest. As some things you say maybe offensive but that’s what makes it real and honest. You know yourself better among all therefore only you can say what it is what it is based on how you feel about people, places, and or things. What difference does it make if a man is from east coast or west coast, it’s what the man is all about that appeals to a woman. Just as you know what kind of woman appeals to you, same thing applies to a woman whether a person is from east coast or west coast. However, if you’re looking for comments as ideas to send to your music contacts in attempt to get women to write and sing a hit record dedicated to men like you, with permission from a well known singer/songwriter, ask to stand in front of her and see if she can write and sing a song about men like you-that would test her ability to be a spontaneously outstanding singer/songwriter as we all look for those who are outstanding no matter where they’re from. 

  • Mikki

    Im from LA, LA dudes arent about anything sorry to say…I was born and raised and they are all arrogant, selfish and mamas boys.  They are either trying to thug & sit around doing “hoodrat thangs with their friends” or  they are trying to be too “hollywood”, nobody wants to be monogamous, they all think they have to keep a steady rotation… they never leave LA or California except to go to vegas and have no desire to leave LA and travel. If you meet an LA guy, they dont want to take you out, you exchange numbers, they call and the first thing they say is “so when can I come over” no trying whatsoever to even pretend to want to actually take you on a date. They also want to just keep up appearances and will do anything to keep such… These are just my opinions and what I have dealt with…I am hoping it is just me

  • Lois Rodrigo

    I live in San Francisco born here but have lived all area the Bay Area  &  I’ve also have had my share of men in the Bay Area for  twelve years. From my own experience, Bay Area men are cultured, very involved with their community — this can be with their family, their friends or their work environment. Men that I’ve dated like going to live shows, hang out in Dolores Park or even “Hip Hop” in the Park in Berkeley. They are full of themselves in a sense where they are involved with their passion for music, art, or even food. They dress with a clean image of themselves and carry themselves with confidence & walk with pride. 
    Now, while I am not big on being monogamy, these particular men are up and about. So these men will always have girls on the back of their mind. Call it what you please, a player, a bachelor or just a single guy trying to have fun — it is hard to have them settle down when us women would like to settle down. (Or maybe, it’s just me — which is another case) bottom line, men that I’ve been have “swag” and it can get to their heads. However, you can’t knock a man for his hustle if he’s young and in his late twenties — He’s just like every other guy out there, trying to have a good time. But, from what i’ve learned — keep your guard up and keep being their  “guy’s” girl. Most men from the Bay like a simple chick, a woman whose like their homie-lover-friend. Instead of a Diva that they met from LA while she was on a photo-shot. They smoke herb, drink alcohol at 11:45 AM, they make sure to take their mother for a date. Their full of life. They maybe too caught up with themselves but it’s only because their revolving. It’s up to the woman if she wants to keep up, or if he’ll let her. 

  • NubianEmpress

    Yeah, some of the Cali dudes I’ve met are kinda flashy, and want the woman to do all the work. That’s not all of them, but some of the ones I’ve seen.

  • amarie

    I’m from Los Angeles originally, currently live in the Bay Area. I would never date a man from LA unless he grew up somewhere else. Generally speaking LA men are so superficial, I can’t even stand them. California men (speaking broadly again) do not know how to commit. On top of that I have to agree with LAgirl – no handyman skills so we’re both sitting there staring at a leaky sink like what are we gonna do? Bay Area men are more open minded but men from Oakland specially have a T-Short mentality. East Coast men aren’t perfect but they like they know how to take care of a woman and don’t shy away from marriage as much.

  • Onedia White

    I lived in Southern California, Hawthorne to be exact, for all of two months. I’m born and bred in NY though so I clearly saw a difference. New York dudes wear their cockiness on their sleeve where I find Cali men like to show you better than they can tell you. I also find them to be laid back and incredibly easy to talk to. I don’t know what kind of lovers they make, but I know they make great friends. The two months I spent there garnered what I would call lifelong friends in a few gents, and I can’t necessarily say the same for the bevy of NY dudes I’ve met in my lifetime. Don’t get me wrong now, I love my NY brothers, just stating some differences.

  • Melissa Campbell

    Im from Oakland and Ive lived most of my adult life in the south, but I have had a few
    encounters  with Cali men and I have plenty of friends so here are my two
    cents on whats going on with you guys. What I love about Cali men is
    exactly what I have come to despise. I enjoy the California man’s
    natural curiosity, flexibility in unique environments, their sort of
    innate worldliness, and laid back attitude. I also have come to find
    that  those were the exact qualities that made me roll my eyes on the
    other end of the phone.

    (Ive also been told that I can only date a man from the Bay or the
    East Coast because Im far too assertive/crash and they are the only type
    that can ‘deal’ with me lol. Shrug.)

    I think the deal with Cali
    men is that they are just too damn cool for their own good. They are so
    laissez faire, so ‘ehh…whatevs’. I dont find them to be especially
    opinionated. They dont care too much either way whether I wear the blue
    dress or the red dress. They aren’t at all interested in taking a
    ‘leadership’/’nurturing’ role in the relationship (did i just step back
    into the 50s?). They make it difficult to focus on standards and gender
    roles and regulated ways of being  because they would much rather become
    an indie-hiphop-polka-pop expert or recycle.

    Ya’ll were left out of  Solider  because you dont really give two
    shits to be included. And thats the big difference between many of you
    and guys from the rest of the US (excluding Cali men who have spent any
    extended amount of time outside the guys sometimes luck up
    and strike an interesting balance). But somewhere deep down inside,
    ingrained in each of you is this  ‘its whatever’ approach to life and
    love that drives most women nuts. Its not that I want you to sweat me,
    just find a way to be protective and still let me be free. Be forward
    with your opinion and let me make my own as well. Tell me whether to
    wear the red or blue dress. Worry about me for godsakes…just a little.

    You couldnt be included because though you’re easily recognizable,
    youre incredibly difficult to define. And maybe thats because you dont
    really have any roots. Everybody in Cali is a transplant from somewhere
    (which i guess you could technically say about everyone in america..but
    you get what I mean). So there are no cultural standards for
    interaction. You guys just kinda….be.

     Southern men love to feel needed. East Coast guys want desperately
    to be taken seriously. (both of which sound ridiculous and boring, but
    women like stability so, i digress.)

    Cali men are perfectly ok
    with being undefined, unclear, and elusive. Which, when I think about
    it, sorta makes me smile. But I’d still never date one 🙂

  • LAgirl

    you are not alone girl! amen! 

  • Meisha

    Being from Oakland as well, and having moved back out here 2 years after living in Southern California for 7 years, I realize that California men are a different breed of their own. There’s a definite laid back mentality, and sometimes downright “laziness”
    of Cali men when it comes to dating. Honestly, being from Oakland, being Black and dating in Northern California it’s much different than the dating scene in let’s say..LA. I personally have always liked dudes from NY, because there’s an aggressiveness to dating and an ‘aura” persay that isn’t felt with Cali men. At least that’s been my experience. Dudes from the South are definitely admirable for various reasons, but seriously, I’m done with Cali men, thought it’s been an interesting experience these past several years dealing with them. I say the past several years because most of the guys I dated in Southern California were coincidentally from the East Coast.**Go figure**

  • sunt97

    I can honestly say I have never met a man from Cali.  Hmmm am I missing out on something?

    Peace, Love and Chocolate,

  • Ashley

    Melissa Campbell and Mikki, preach. Both ladies have definitely weighed in and gave a little prospective on what I have been feeling as of late. I am not the type to discriminate, a man is defined by what he makes of himself and not his hometown. However, when you experience the stereotype these women speak of, it’s hard to go against the grain. As a New York girl, I can say I have gotten close to a Cali friend, an L.A native to be exact. And well, although this man can have the carefree, hustler, man swag attitude any woman would be attracted to, the superficialities outweigh the good at times. He is a blond dating, slow walking, name dropper who loves to be admired by his peers as a style icon. You can’t knock a man for his hustle… But when you try to have a normal conversation, sometimes I find myself pulling teeth like a damn dentist. He loves to dish out compliments bit still has that rude boy attitude that makes you wonder if all L.A cats behave this way. Something about him screams out needy and demanding all that the same time. And to top it off his favorite past time is shoving the idea that “California is THE best” down my throat. Although he is still undeniably a great character underneath all the layers you must peep through, he still acts like a playboy. I’m not one to chase if I don’t feel like it’s fair game, but all I ask is for you to be a little more assertive, take off
    the LV sunglasses, and walk a little more at my pace, because really, you are walking too slow for me.

  • @TheUrbanette

    Great Topic!  Especially from a True Southern Cali Sista Like myself (Born and Raised in Compton, School in Prep Schools on the Westside, College on the Beach in Santa Barbara…)  who is very well traveled.

    I won’t lie, I’m born and bred here and my special love Cali men is usually reserved for those from Northern Cali/Bay Area. Why? Because they’ve got all the random/diverse swag of California w/o the Hollywood/Hollyhood attitude.


    Like East Coast/Southern Men they are less shy to commit and actually seek substance that the So. Cali variety, In My experience.

    On a positive note, CALI MEN are generally the least stuck on typical gender dynamics in relationships than any other region I’ve noticed, which can be a gift and curse.

    True, East Coast Men and particularly, Southern men, seem to enjoy women who “know their role,” Cali men seem to be free enough from the traditions to actually view a woman as an equal.  maybe that’s why it takes some time for a lot of them to remember, we still do like to be treated like ladies.

    Oh Yeah….And all the left over gangbangin from the the 80s and early 90s GROWN MEN, that gotstago!  

    Just my two cents,
    follow me on twitter

  • @Theurbanette

    BTW California Girls always get plenty love in the media. We are the business and y’all Cali brothas need to get it together.  It’s like, they can smell the sunshine when we come in to another city. SO MUCH LOVE! = )

  • Guest

    Based on all the comments particularly those who shared their experiences with people from the West Coast and or East Coast, whether they were good or bad, it has nothing to do with whatever the differences between West Coast and East Coast Men. Just as you said so beautifully about what you don’t want to see men do when falling in love-it applies to women as well: “I don’t want to see a man/woman fall in love with a girl/boy to the point where he/she can’t keep it together and loses damn near everything else in life, because that’s not honest. I don’t want to see a man/woman whose heart is so cold he can’t manage to fall in love with the perfect woman/man even though she/he is staring at him/her right in the face, because that’s not HONEST.” Best answer to all questions regarding relationships including what a women likes about a man who is tied to his roots whether it’s west or east coast.  

  • Jahna

    I’m from Missouri, but went to school in DC…HU to be exact and although I never dated a guy from Cali, a couple of friends and I have a running joke that Cali men are the devil.   I know at least 3 girls who were in serious relationships with guys from California that ended on the worst terms ever.  IDK…I have some pretty cool guy friends from Cali (Northern & Southern areas), and I think their laid back approach to EVERYTHING could be annoying to a girl like me who wants the man to step up and take leadership. 

  • guest

    by the way, no other female pop artist will measure up to someone as great as Madonna, even Beyonce

  • naturallyK

    Its funny to me how upset you are over that song. I consider myself a Destiny’s Child/Beyonce fan and it took me a second to remember what song you were talking about. It wasn’t a very good one…

    I’m a NY chic and I dated one guy from the bay area and had a nice relationship with him. I was always partial to guys from the NE though. My husband is from NY so that worked out for me. We will be in northern Cali taking a drive down the coast in a few days. I look forward to enjoying your home state 🙂

  • Brandy

    I’m born, raised and have lived here in various parts of Norcal in all my 31yrs of life. There is a definite difference between NorCal and SoCal. I dont want to even go into the intricacies of Bay Area but there is even a difference there.
    Northern Cal men are so diverse in interests and areas of knowledge that it may throw a woman for a loop. I think that has to do with all the multicultural blending of people that are here. Sometimes that diversity will come off as inattentiveness, laziness and disinterests
    SoCal men are a lot more bold than NorCal men. They have no problem letting you know they are interested in you and for someone not used to it, it’s a bit sexy and intimidating. The first time it happened to me, I was instantly reminded that “I am a woman”. Kinda refreshing.

  • guest

    As you claim there is a difference between Northern California men and Southern California men, the man you choose to love and be in a healthy relationship with,  he should not be among comparisons but only to feel that he is is the one for you as long as the feeling is mutual.

  • mauricio

    WOW You cool! The information is very interesting. I like the post.  

  • Guest

    I’ve been to California three times there’s definitely a different energy on that coast compared to the East.  I’ve visited the Southern part and the men seem more laid back. I haven’t had the opportunity to date a man from California.  Would love to one day. 

  • Chanda Ishisaka

    i’m born and raiser in LA and once i moved to seattle, i realized there are a lot of LA haters out there. even reading these comments, there are a lot of LA haters. and  i find myself hatin’ too but i find myself missing cali guys sometimes..

    There are regional and environmental differences. In LA, it takes 30 minutes to go see your boyfriend (if you’re lucky with no traffic). and in LA there are many distractions with so many options, the distance and cost of everything, and the ‘play the field’ attitude- but once you get his attention, then you can have a great time. so cal people know how to do things big and i think the guys know how to impress their woman and treat them special and show them off.  people describe so cal as laid-back but they are a different kind of laid-back. seattle and portland are super laid-back and more introverted (that cloudy/rainy weather really affects people) where men would be more happy going hiking or biking on their own then asking you out at a club. but the laid-back attitude of so cal is to enjoy the weather, all the beautiful people and places and have a good time. i love how so cal guys take pride in their hometowns and take pride in their people and their boys. LA is such a huge intimidating place, so i think that men travel more in packs there so i think that guys have a deep bond with their guy friends and if you can get along with his friends, then you are golden. The movie “Swingers” is a great example of men and dating in LA.

    for nor cal, where is it more dense, easy public transit, so many cultures and ethnicities, with a history of being liberal and progressive – i meet guys who are very cultured, more comfortable being alone and independent, and more intelligent or deep (and passionate about an issue).

    one of my LA guy friends made a joke about moving to San Francisco. In LA, women judge you by material things and how you look which you can work on and change. But in SF, women judge you by your ideals which you can’t change. he got a little burned by the pretentious women he met in the bay area compared to his laid-back attitude.

  • collegegirl

    I’m from Atlanta and moved to LA last year. The men here don’t seem to approach women, like they want the women to do all the work. I have no problem approaching men, but it’s a bit annoying when they stare you down then expect you to come to them. Especially coming from Atlanta where guys will approach you with no problem, it’s weird. The guys I’m friends with from here just seem kind of superficial and play a lot of games. Nice style, good work ethic, sort of disrespectful towards women (maybe I’m too used to the Southern gentleman), zero manners and always trying to be cool or impress people. I don’t like making generalizations, but that’s just what I’ve observed so far. Not quite sure I’d really date any of them, though I am quite attracted to them. Go figure 🙂