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Why You’re Single and The Buffet Theory

October 18th, 2011 Leave a comment Go to comments

I only wanted to share this theory with close friends because most of you have already denounced it from the minute you’ve read the title. But I’ve decided to go to the place most people tell me not to go, which is “there”. By taking it there, I am opening up myself to all types of critical backlash from women who want to tell me they’re single because they want to be and they’re happy being single and as a man, I wouldn’t know the first thing about why they’re single. All good points except for the last one because, well, frankly, I’m a man who can actually do something about your single status but don’t want to largely because you have issues you’re unwilling to resolve. But that’s neither here nor there. Your status is none of my concern, I know, and therefore this theory of mine should be none of yours.

As for the rest of you lovely ladies who do at least welcome the voice of someone who doesn’t sound like your group of girlfriends who harmonize by talking through their nasal passages, I am presenting this theory for you. Most of you all are beautiful. I know this because I meet you in person and you ask me, “Jozen why am I single?” Time and time again I wax poetic on my theories and thoughts after asking some questions about yourself. But from now on I will only respond by saying, “Go to my blog and search “buffet theory”. Your answer is there.” You will respond either one of two ways:

1) You’re a genius, I had no idea this was my problem. Thank you, Jozen.
2) You’re a genius, but I already knew this, because I’m a genius too, which means we should get together.

To the first response, you’re welcome. To the second, you’re tripping.

So here we go with a not necessarily original theory but a twist on presenting it so that maybe some of you single women out there can understand why you’re single. I’ve decided to do this in pictures so that maybe we can all understand things a little better. Some of you have a hard time reading at length, others treat my posts like scripture and end up over-dialoguing on it. Well, goodbye to all that. Here it is, the buffet theory.

Ladies, when it comes to your options, this is what’s available to you all.

But this is what you choose to eat.

You can have all this

And yet every single time you go to the buffet, you stick to this…

You stick to it because you know you like it. The problem is, so does everyone else, which is one of the reasons you are constantly complaining the good ones are already taken or in jail. Everyone likes fruit, ladies. Jail likes fruit. Perhaps the only people who don’t like fruit are employers, but that’s neither here nor there. Men like fruit. But when’s the last time you saw a guy chilling on a park bench eating an apple? Probably not more recent than you’ve seen a guy on a park bench eating a hamburger. Eventually men will settle down and allow a steady, healthy proportion of fruit into their everyday diet. But while our bodies have yet to get hip to what we are doing to it via our diet, damn, it, look at this…

We may not like everything we try here, but we’re going to know that for a fact before we go to this section over here…

Maybe if you ladies did the same, and actually took advantage of this…

Instead of going back to what’s familiar, i.e. this…

You wouldn’t be so damn hungry all the time.

The theory in short: Quit eating the fruit. You’re at a buffet.

The style of this post has been heavily influenced and inspired by the homie, Rembert and his excellent blog, 500 Days Asunder.

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  • Jessica

    Hilarious illustration.

  • Ms. Stovall

    Love it!

  • Ladybird

    I am originally from from the Cereal City capital of the world (Battle Creek, Mi) and I say this post is Grrrrrrrreat (like Tony the Tiger for those who don’t get it)! Funny, yet so incredibly true! I think the pictures were a great addition and funny! 

  • JC

    “clapping” Very very good…not only should we sample all that is before us. We should enjoy every bite…chew…don’t swallow whole.

  • Chica Sonia Ochia

    LOVE IT, simple and straight to the point. Thank You….

  • Artrinity

    You know this defiantly floats both ways. I have never seen it broken down like this. Kudos to you and your inspiration for this piece. I will be sharing this with my single friends, both male and female!! Thank you for the awesomeness that is this piece!

  • Dewan

    Good point, but a well-balanced relationship should include a tossed salad. 

  • Willow

    Hilarious! Actually makes great sense

  • B

    Great analogy and makes a lot of sense.

  • Nadira Rae

    LMAO @ “Jail likes fruit”.  FACT.  Very simple message…yet it speaks volumes.  The pictures REALLY drive the point home lol.

  • dee

    love LUV LOVE IT!!! The pics make it clear. I am at the buffet….enjoying EVERYTHING OUT THERE W/IN REASON…

    40 sumthin and single in san diego

  • Kat Webb

    Seems like the theory is that men’s horizons are broader than women’s. The solution? If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em, so that everyone is just out there “sampling” everything at the buffet.

    I’m not so sure “sampling” is a solution to being single, because, in this metaphor, everyone is just eating and no one is sticking to an order that’s actually right for them. But I think, basically, there’s no “solution” to being single, and Jozen’s just suggesting we eat everything and hope we can stick with what tastes the best.

    I’m OPEN to the entire buffet, but some things, you can just tell, aren’t a great idea to try. Also, I think it might be a good idea to try a dab of each thing, rather than pigging out and eventually getting sick on each thing. Is the metaphor still making sense at this point? 

    I think you get my drift. Basically, being open to what a buffet has to offer doesn’t mean you have to be a glutton.

  • Lauren Clay

    I think you are perhaps missing the forest for the trees. I rather thought the point wasn’t ‘pig out’ but ‘stop limiting yourself to such a narrow set of criteria just because you’re scared that you MIGHT find something you don’t like should you expand said criteria.” Well, yeah. You might find something that sucks. You might also find something better too. 

  • FCG

    Don’t go try and tell me that men are sooooo open minded that they sample away like it’s a Saturday afternoon at Costco while choosy choosin’ females are just tragic fruitlattos.  This definitely goes both ways.Buffet Theory makes sense, but not entirely because there are many exceptions to this rule.  Do people need widen their scope to look at the whole buffet? Yes.  Should they continue to look at the cheese once they’ve figured out they don’t like it? Ah no.  Should they continue to go back to delicious fruit if it keeps making them a diabetic? Surely not.  If they find a part of the buffet (mmm, say the pasta section) that they like and treats their tummy with kindness but still has not provided the perfect most delicious piece should they keep going back? Well why not?! Gon ‘head lil mama and bring a few plates.

  • Lachelle

    I think that was a great post and If your getting any negative backlash from people, let them stay in the fruit  Sometimes we have to question the fact that when you always date what you know but still remain single then maybe its time to switch it up a little. Having an open mind to meet new people allows us to understand if what was so familar is actually what we wanted in the first place, who knows you can find out that your taste buds was wrong in the first place

  • Justshev

    That’s how I read it, and it is something I’ve been forcing myself to do.

  • Raeparham

    Loved it, and as a single woman I get it!!

  • Sbediva

    Absolutely loved it! I guess its time for me to stay away from the fruit.

  • TJMP84

    lmao, this is great!  Well done!

  • Guest

    Thank you Jozen. Just like the other postings I’ve read in this website, i’ve enjoyed reading them all because I like how you think in your writings. Some of what you write may hurt a bit, no offense taken. It’s your thoughts against the readers. Most importantly, it’s your website. As well, I am not one among your close friends and family, therefore I am not in the position to prove you wrong. However, in addition to you being a genius for pointing out the reason why one is single, it’s what one prefers just as what you prefer …in a woman. 

  • Kat Webb

    True. I think the metaphor allowed for both interpretations.

  • Fabiola F.

    **Raises hand** I am a fruit lover & I will get out of the line & back to the buffet table thanks to this post.

  • brownivyx

    This is all true…but that is merely because we (ladies) can see the weight gain, high blood pressure, clogged arteries, and -itis coming hours after a good go-round at the buffet.  And many of us are just trying to spare ourselves of the indigestion.

    However, I must say…there’s nothing wrong with a little portion control; a few nibbles here and there at the grown-up table.  (Wo)Man cannot survive on lettuce alone.

  • sugahoneyicedtea

    I am so hungry after looking at both of these pictures…

  • guest

    However there are reasons to deprive ourselves of the food we choose not to eat. If the food doesn’t smell or look good, we don’t eat it as it may potentially cause harm to our bodies. Just as the ones we choose not to have sex with that can potentially harm our lives-i don’t want to catch any disease.

  • Ashley R

    The good ones are in jail?!  Not in my book.  Thanks for the theory.  I was enlightened.

  • Christine Eboseta

    Dy. Ing.

  • Babchambers878

    I get it…most single ladies r too picky! I’ve been told that i’m too picky, but I can smell garbage (food that’s not good for me) so I stay away fron it! I don’t like indigestion (bullshit or waste my time)!

  • Attractive1925

    Hilarious! You are right…we limit our options. I can’t say I know why we do it but we do. I honestly dont think I will have enough in common with a man outside of my ethnicity and who doesnt share my beliefs, but maybe it’s time to try something new!