Five Things I Have No Business Being Attracted To
You ever think about some of the things you’re into and wonder if there is something wrong with you? Like people who can’t stop watching random street fights on YouTube or Worldstarhiphop.com. They should know if they surf one of these two sites to try and watch a good street fight every single day, they are sick. Something is wrong with them and if they’re honest enough with themselves, they at least acknowledge they need help.
When it comes to acknowledging the tendency to like what is out of the ordinary or unusual, I will be the first to raise my hand. The following is a list of things I am attracted to in the opposite sex that are either one of those two things — out of the ordinary, unusual. Understand to some, I know a couple of these are don’t seem like they belong on Planet Strange, but if you knew to what extent these things turned me on, you’d probably say they do.
So here it goes, a small list of things to which I have no business being attracted.
Women who smoke cigarettes
I’m sorry but we grew up on way too many “stop smoking” commercials (all of which should come with a TV-MA rating) and there is far too much evidence for anyone to continue smoking cigarettes. Not only are they horrible for our bodies, they’re expensive as hell too. And yet, whenever I see a woman walking down the street, cool as a cucumber doing serious internal damage to her body, I think to myself, ‘She’s hot.” When I was a kid, teachers, health professionals, and all types of posters would scream, “SMOKING IS NOT COOL!” What they should’ve brainwashed into my head is “SMOKING IS NOT SEXY” because it isn’t…to everyone else but me.
Women in their third tri-mester
Do I make myself clear here? I didn’t say women who are pregnant, I said women who are in their third tri-mester. This is known to rude people as the “super pregnant” phase or the “any day now, huh” phase. In my eyes, there is no difference between a woman who is showing and a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition model in a two piece. They both push all the same buttons inside of me, also known as the right buttons. And yet, I have no desire to get a woman pregnant myself, at least not right now. Maybe that’s part of the attraction? That they’re carrying a seed that isn’t mine? I don’t know. Whatever it is, when you consider the item above this one on the list and this item as well, you see how they grossly contradict one another. So who am I more attracted to, a pregnant woman or a woman who is smoking? It’s a tie.
Women who don’t wrestle…
Who remembers Coral from The Real World? I do. I always thought she was hot, even after it was revealed she likes women (this is true, right?) But there was something sexy about her and I couldn’t put my finger on it until I was watching an episode of Real World Road Rules Challenge and this happened at the 4:12 mark.
I watched the rest of the show naked.
Now no woman dating me in real life needs to resort to violence to handle a situation. I won’t stand for it and I’ll probably break it up before anything goes down, but if she says those words in the midst of a screaming match, I am holding her back, taking her home, and we’re going to wrestle.
Women who drink dark liquor or gin
Any kind of dark liquor and any kind of gin is hard to take down, so when I see a woman ordering from the brown liquor family or the gin family, it catches my attention. To me, this speaks volumes about what she likes, which is challenges.
Women who constantly check their phone
I might have written about this before, but who knows?
Maybe it’s because it’s a bad habit of mine, but a woman who is always on her phone is a woman who can have my child. I associate this kind of behavior with having outside interests and having something in common with me. Some bad habits are good to have together. Usually women like this also have a certain end time in mind when it comes to their phone engagement so they understand even they need to put it down, but while she’s on it, she has no idea what she’s doing to me. I’m afraid to say it’s reached a fetish type of level. Like, I’m so turned on by it I might ask a woman to stay on her phone while we’re doing *ahem* other things in an effort to make her type an email to her staff with a subject line that says “OHHHHHHH!!”