How Not To Get A Woman: The Muammar Qaddafi Problem
Today I caught a clip of Condoleeza Rice on Jon Stewart’s The Daily Show where she was promoting her memoir “No Higher Honor.” Stewart asked Rice about Muammar Qaddafi, who, when he was alive, had what Stewart called a “fixation” on the former Secretary of State, but the word fixation is putting it lightly.
The Civil Rights era folk would call it a “jones”, the hip-hop generation would call it “sprung”, and kids in any high school these days would say Qaddafi was “thirsty”, but no matter which way you spin it, Qaddafi was all about Condi Rice. As she revealed in her interview last night, dude wrote a song for her called “Black Flower In The White House.”
In her book, Rice explains why she was hesitant to make her first trip to Libya.
There were two reasons for this: one traditional and the other, well, a little disconcerting. Obviously, the first visit by a U.S. secretary of state since 1953 would be a major milestone on the country’s path to inter- national acceptability. But Qaddafi also had a slightly eerie fascination with me personally, asking visitors why his “African princess” wouldn’t visit him.
I decided to ignore the latter and dwell on the former to prepare for the trip. The arrangements were not easy, with all manner of Libyan demands, including that I meet the leader in his tent. Needless to say, I declined the invitation and met him in his formal residence.
Later in the book, Rice talks about the visit with the evil dictator himself and the song.
At the end of dinner, Qaddafi told me that he’d made a videotape for me. Uh oh, I thought, what is this going to be? It was a quite innocent collection of photos of me with world leaders—President Bush, Vladimir Putin, Hu Jintao, and so on—set to the music of a song called “Black Flower in the White House,” written for me by a Libyan composer. It was weird, but at least it wasn’t raunchy.
In an interview with ABC News, Rice said when Qaddafi introduced the song he said, “‘I have Libya’s best composer, most famous composer write this song for you,’.”
There is not one part of the story that I DON’T find funny. I mean, don’t get me wrong, Qaddafi was a horrible man, but how can you read any of this and not get a good chuckle? The guy put a full on clinic on how NOT to get a woman. I actually wish Qaddafi would have reached out to me before Condi came to visit and asked me for some advice on how to get her to like him back. Had he done this, I would have told him the following.
Okay, Qaddafi, first things first: Calling Condoleeza Rice an “African princess”, not a good look. Calling her an African-American princess? Maybe. A woman as smart as her will probably give you points for cultural accuracy, but you’re what we call in the States, light-skinned. I know you’re in Africa yourself, but still, the lighter your complexion, the harder it is to call a black woman an African princess, at least in the U.S. Trust me, me and you are the same shade and I’ve been through this before.
As for the song, dude, hi-five to that move! I mean, “Black Flower in the White House”? Son, she doesn’t even have to be able to hum along to it, the title alone will stay in her head. Matter of fact, Barack is probably pissed he didn’t think of getting America’s best composer (Jay-Z) to write a song for Michelle called “Black Flower In The White House”. Women love being called “Flower”, doesn’t matter where they live. You can write a song called “Black Flower In The Projects” and she’s all yours, I’m telling you.
Okay, so now that we’re clear on those two things, here’s my other tip: Qaddafi, my man, you have to treat your own people nicer. I don’t know if you watch the news, but everyone in the world basically thinks you’re a real life comic book villain. I know you gave over those weapons of mass destruction years ago so you could be welcomed into the international community, but fam, that’s so transparent. Everyone knows you did it for Condi. Condi knows you did it for Condi.
Just chill on this Sadaam swag you got going on. It’s not a good look. I know you heard nice guys finish last, and women like bad boys, but weapons of mass destruction? Chemicals to make more weapons of mass destruction? Women don’t like that, Q. Watch some Disney movies and you’ll see — Jaffar, Gaston, Scar, the bad guys never win. They really don’t. Be more like the Beast (the good one), or your African dopplegangers Simba or Aladdin.
So look, just be nicer to your own people, don’t call her an “African Princess” and when she comes to visit you, hide that album filled with pictures you made of her; too aggressive, too scary. Just friend her on Facebook and go through her albums, that’s what I do to girls I like.
Oh and one more thing: When she visits, don’t dress like this.
You look like Michael Jackson on court day.
Watch Condoleeza Rice on The Daily Show