A Man’s Tough Lesson On Sleeping With A Woman Too Soon
Just as I learned why I should not get intimate with a woman too soon, I also learned late in life why waiting to sleep with a woman can be a good thing for a man*. Some might think this is a way of giving in too all the preaching my commenters delivered on my last post.
They would be wrong.
Others might think I’m saying sleeping with a woman too soon is getting intimate with a woman too soon. I encourage you to read this to understand the difference.
Now with semantics out of the way, let’s move on.
As we get older, most of us wise up, realizing the error of our younger ways and how we prevent repeating such errors in the future. This is especially true in the sex department.
Men don’t like to wait for the good stuff, we’ll take ours express service. I used to think, Let’s hurry this thing up and do it already. Now I’m more like, Okay, we can wait. Like all great lessons, I learned this one the hard way with a woman playing the role of teacher.
On the first date, the sexual chemistry between her and I was too palpable to be ignored. So palpable, I asked her to spend the night at the end of the date. She didn’t find the invitation outlandish or disrespectful, but she politely declined.
On the second date, different story. The date went late, too late for her to go home. A sleepover was in order. Of course I thought this meant we were finally going to bump uglies, but it wasn’t going to be easy.
I tried her with the old spooning technique. We all know this position, it’s the one where the guy acts like he’s perfectly comfortable with one of his arms going numb underneath the weight of her body while the other arm drapes around her from up top, all in an effort for her to feel the frustration going on between our legs. We push up against her backside but play it off like we’re trying to hold her tight, and even though the arm underneath her has now lost circulation, we keep pushing. With every thrust, we say a silent prayer to ourselves that goes like this: “Dear Lord, please let her push back.” We repeat the prayer over and over again in our head. With our mouth, we whisper things like how good we want her to feel and how amazing it would be. No man silently dry humps. That’s not utilizing our entire skill set.
After what felt like hours, but was probably minutes, my prayer was answered. She gave me the push back.
I want to say what happened next was everything I told her it would be, but one of my new year’s resolutions was not to lie anymore. I want to say I put it on her for hours, but the fact is I’ve seen people take a longer time to put stamps on their wrists. The apology was written all over my face, she could see it in my eyes, which is why she said to me, “It happens.” Then, instead of kissing me, patted me on the back of my head, like I was a canis lupus familiaris.
There’s no shame in admitting it wasn’t my finest performance. Michael Jordan has no shame admitting he’s missed a lot of shots (for those who think I just off-handedly compared my bedroom skills to Michael Jordan’s basketball skills, you’re smarter than I thought).
The girl never gave me a chance to redeem myself, nor did she ever give me a call back or a response to a text. I guess never talking to me again was her way of agreeing to never talk about what will forever be known as Jozensucksinbed-gate.
What happened that night doesn’t make my overall bedroom career less ready for the Hall of Fame, but just like I’m sure Michael Jordan learned more from his losses than his wins, I learned a lot from this loss, including the most valuable lesson of them all.
If you sleep with a woman too soon, and you suck, she will leave you. Wait for her to fall for you emotionally first, then deliver the sub-par performance you’re capable of.