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A Man’s Tough Lesson On Sleeping With A Woman Too Soon

Just as I learned why I should not get intimate with a woman too soon, I also learned late in life why waiting to sleep with a woman can be a good thing for a man*. Some might think this is a way of giving in too all the preaching my commenters delivered on my last post.

They would be wrong.

Others might think I’m saying sleeping with a woman too soon is getting intimate with a woman too soon. I encourage you to read this to understand the difference.

Now with semantics out of the way, let’s move on.

As we get older, most of us wise up, realizing the error of our younger ways and how we prevent repeating such errors in the future. This is especially true in the sex department.

Men don’t like to wait for the good stuff, we’ll take ours express service. I used to think, Let’s hurry this thing up and do it already. Now I’m more like, Okay, we can wait. Like all great lessons, I learned this one the hard way with a woman playing the role of teacher.

On the first date, the sexual chemistry between her and I was too palpable to be ignored. So palpable, I asked her to spend the night at the end of the date. She didn’t find the invitation outlandish or disrespectful, but she politely declined.

On the second date, different story. The date went late, too late for her to go home. A sleepover was in order. Of course I thought this meant we were finally going to bump uglies, but it wasn’t going to be easy.

I tried her with the old spooning technique. We all know this position, it’s the one where the guy acts like he’s perfectly comfortable with one of his arms going numb underneath the weight of her body while the other arm drapes around her from up top, all in an effort for her to feel the frustration going on between our legs. We push up against her backside but play it off like we’re trying to hold her tight, and even though the arm underneath her has now lost circulation, we keep pushing. With every thrust, we say a silent prayer to ourselves that goes like this: “Dear Lord, please let her push back.” We repeat the prayer over and over again in our head. With our mouth, we whisper things like how good we want her to feel and how amazing it would be. No man silently dry humps. That’s not utilizing our entire skill set.

After what felt like hours, but was probably minutes, my prayer was answered. She gave me the push back.

I want to say what happened next was everything I told her it would be, but one of my new year’s resolutions was not to lie anymore. I want to say I put it on her for hours, but the fact is I’ve seen people take a longer time to put stamps on their wrists. The apology was written all over my face, she could see it in my eyes, which is why she said to me, “It happens.” Then, instead of kissing me, patted me on the back of my head, like I was a canis lupus familiaris.

There’s no shame in admitting it wasn’t my finest performance. Michael Jordan has no shame admitting he’s missed a lot of shots (for those who think I just off-handedly compared my bedroom skills to Michael Jordan’s basketball skills, you’re smarter than I thought).

The girl never gave me a chance to redeem myself, nor did she ever give me a call back or a response to a text. I guess never talking to me again was her way of agreeing to never talk about what will forever be known as Jozensucksinbed-gate.

What happened that night doesn’t make my overall bedroom career less ready for the Hall of Fame, but just like I’m sure Michael Jordan learned more from his losses than his wins, I learned a lot from this loss, including the most valuable lesson of them all.

If you sleep with a woman too soon, and you suck, she will leave you. Wait for her to fall for you emotionally first, then deliver the sub-par performance you’re capable of.

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  • kpamma

    I had this basically same scenario happen to me, except the girl actually text me back. I knew I wasn’t up too par, but wasn’t sure if SHE did. she did.

  • a.chigozie

    very interesting… when you get the church pat after coitus, yea it’s donzo. i am a bit surprised because i always thought women were more forgiving with men and their “problems”, especially if they kind of like you, but i guess i was wrong.

    i guess this is kind of in line with what you were tweeting about a few days ago, regarding women holding out for emotional intimacy to get a man to commit because they know they are mediocre in bed.

  • a.chigozie

    very interesting… when you get the church pat after coitus, yea it’s donzo. i am a bit surprised because i always thought women were more forgiving with men and their “problems”, especially if they kind of like you, but i guess i was wrong.

    i guess this is kind of in line with what you were tweeting about a few days ago, regarding women holding out for emotional intimacy to get a man to commit because they know they are mediocre in bed.

  • Vegas baby

    Omigosh, yessss…..I really wanted to like a guy a slept with & that’s why I gave him another chance but, no…he still sucked and I still didn’t like him. I would just ignore his calls/emails but, he didn’t get the hint. So I flatout said: “YOU SUCK!”

  • Vegas baby

    Omigosh, yessss…..I really wanted to like a guy a slept with & that’s why I gave him another chance but, no…he still sucked and I still didn’t like him. I would just ignore his calls/emails but, he didn’t get the hint. So I flatout said: “YOU SUCK!”

  • woods

    Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

  • Guest

    Empathize the feelings of others before you take action because Action does speak louder than words, but Words determine how one really feels. You are a writer who writes with so much passion in your writings. If you’re not passionate enough to do something or someone, best not to do it. Needless to say, it’s best to communicate through words first rather than through your instincts. Anyway, Excellent post by the way because it expresses how it really feels to be placed in a position you don’t feel comfortable to be in.

  • Lawrynm

    LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO!OLO!OL…. I especially love the moral of the story at the end. It’s ok MJ. You live to sleep another day.

  • Guest

    We live to sleep another day until death do us part because Life goes on even if there will be bumps along the way as we get to where we want to be and or to who it will be the one to capture our hearts. it was a funny posting to read but a wake up call.

  • Naomi

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
    I’m dying at “No man dry humps silently. That’s not using our entire skill set!”
    AND
    JOZENSUCKSINBED-GATE

    HILARIOUS!!

  • Doesn’t Matter

    Haha unfortunately sometimes the only way to grow as an individual is to learn a lesson the hard way.

  • Court

    I laughed a lot reading this one! Very comedic way to tell the truth! 🙂

  • Guest

    This is a small issue, but it spoke to me:

    “Some might think this is a way of giving in too all the preaching my commenters delivered on my last post.They would be wrong.”Is it a blogger thing to be in a vacuum where there’s no feedback? What’s wrong with letting what someone says change the way you think about things? Isn’t that the point of conversations? I suppose this isn’t a conversation. There are some bloggers who chime in amid their comment section, and, as long as I’ve been reading, Jozen isn’t one of those dudes. It’s more like an online diary for him. I just wonder if, I don’t know, maybe it would be OK to be OPEN to what people might have to say about what you write. Just a thought…That just irked me a bit. Carry on. 🙂

  • Guest

    I’ve had something close to this situation happen twice. Once was with a guy I’d dated a couple weeks. We did the do and, though he wasn’t premature, it was awful. Like…TERRIBLE. Like internal rug burn. Like a brillo pad tampon. Like humming the Jeopardy theme in my head bad. Just excruciating. I kept pretending I came so he’d hurry up and come but alas, the ONE time I want a dude to finish fast, he has stamina. He went incognito after that date, and after a lackluster attempt to find out what happened (like, two texts), I said good riddance. Dude drops me after sleeping with me and I’m not even mad, LOL.

    The other was a musician. Man, I thought this dude would be amazing, based on how he plays. We were cool with each other. Friends that would talk, etc. Following a studio session, we end up hooking up. I thought the earth would move and fireworks would light up behind my eyes, but it was just awful. It’s the one and only time I’ve gotten completely dressed again after sleeping with someone, lol. I tried to get him to tell me where the towels were so I could sneak out in the morning (it was too late to go home), but he insisted he’d show me in the morning. We have never spoken of this night again and we’re no longer cool. LOL.

  • Nzmcnulty

    Unfortunately, those last few lines are too true, well maybe just for me…

  • Lawrynm

    Huh?

  • guest

    your original comment mentioned ‘You live to sleep another day’ – therefore i replied to you with ‘We live to sleep another day until death do us part….with or without because life goes on with our without-make sense.

  • http://twitter.com/msorvam myrna orvam

    Ha….happened to me twice with the same dude. First time was result of a build up for a few weeks and our eventual encounter was ..meh. So we tried again…and immediately after I left him I texted that we should NEVER do that again. He agreed…whatever is needed to make sex great..was just not there. Not my fault..nor his. 

  • guest

    This posting is just an encouragement to never get into a relationship- better safe than sorry afterall, Life goes on with or without anyone in our lives-Best to stay single nowadays. 

  • NN

    Aww, I know this experience. I dated a martial arts guy who looked like he was ready to bring it. When curtain fell, his actors were small and there was no standing ovation from the crowd. I still think sex is a two way street so women have to help. But I notice alot of men are not able to perform the first 2-3 times. It takes them awhile to get connected and 

  • http://twitter.com/Talk2Q Q

    LOL!  This is a great post.  So sorry, but like she said, “it happens.”  I guess it is best to get her to fall for you first so at least she’ll feel more inclined to give you a 2nd chance.  Great story!

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  • Guest

    C’est la vie. As it goes, Like attracts Like, eventually Jozen will find someone, if he hasn’t already yet, who’s just like him who will hopefully take him away from bachelor hood, where the 2 of them will have little ones running around and live a happily ever after story. Needless to say, every person you will meet in your life, there’s no pleasing them all. But who needs all the people you meet in your lifetime when what’s important is that 1 person who will be part of your life to make the best of it

  • tt

    Hahaha. This has happened to me a couple of times. I never answered a phone again. 

  • Coco

    LOLOL

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  • James

    funny stuff