You’re Welcome For This Glossary Of Football Terms To Describe What Happened In The Bedroom
Chances are, nothing in today’s post is uniquely originally. I do not claim to have been the first person to write the contents you will read, and because it’s such a no brainer, I had to write this disclaimer first. Any likeness or similarity to another post you see here is strictly by coincidence. It also probably isn’t better than what you’re about to read. – JC
For years, baseball has been man’s sport of choice to use as metaphor when recapping what happened with a girl. The idea, predicated upon the bases on a baseball diamond, was simple: First base, second, base third, base, home plate all implied some sort of progress.
Over the years, the metaphor has understandably become flimsier, specifically the differences between what constitutes second and third base. People have written about this before; I’ve had many conversations with men and women, and none of us seem to agree what takes place on second base versus what takes place on third base. One person told me second base is oral sex, third base is traditional sex, and home plate is a particular kind of sex so inappropriate, I could not bear repeating it lest I want to throw up a little on my keyboard. And here I thought we unanimously agree home plate counted as traditional intercourse, but what do I know?
But last night, as I was watching more highlight’s from my brother’s favorite team the New York Giants win over the 40-whiners, I thought to myself, Why are we still using baseball as a metaphor for discussing what happened with a woman when football is obviously the better sport.
Gentlemen, presenting the glossary of American football terms as metaphor to describe what happened with the hot girl you went home with last night. Ladies, if any of this offends you, please refer to the sentence before this to remind yourself who exactly I am addressing here.
ON THE FIELD: One of the things I love about football is the concept of the first down. First downs aren’t given any points, but there are times when the team’s chances of victory comes down to whether or not they can convert 10 yards and get a fresh set of downs. Few other sports have a non-scoring situation as important as the first down.
IN THE BEDROOM: The first down is quite simply, the make out session. Unless your game is like Devin Hester and you can score on special teams (more on this later), you’re probably going to need to get a couple of first downs before you score in any manner whatsoever. a first down in the bedroom is a make out session and a make out session only. You haven’t scored, yet, but the first down has put you in the best possible position to do so. Continue to convert the first downs, and watch your scoreboard light up.
ON THE FIELD: A field goal is denoted by three points. These aren’t the maximum amount of points you can score, but much like the first down, the field goal may be all you need to win the game or stay in it. When it’s early in the game, and the score is still 0-0, many teams elect to kick a field goal instead of attempting to score a touchdown or get another first down. The logic is, put some points on the board now, worry less later. Whenever a team who has won by three points, the field goal was either the game winner at the end or the biggest factor in the beginning. Also, teams who score a lot of field goals usually do so for one of two reasons: Their offense sucks and can’t really score any touchdowns. The team they’re playing has a stoute defense that doesn’t allow offenses to put up points.
IN THE BEDROOM: Field goals are oral sex. Sometimes, they’re a form of foreplay, used to warm things up, but other times, they are the best you can do against her. This may be your fault. Whatever your game plan is, it’s not enough to score the maximum number of points for now, but she likes you enough, so you get some points on the board. There is also a chance, her defense that night was impenetrable. You weren’t going to score regardless of how hard you tried and we can get into why her defense was so tough, but do we really need to? I mean, honestly. Do we really need to? I’d rather not.
ON THE FIELD: Six points, the highest number of points a team can score. Whenever an offense is getting closer and closer to the end zone, analysts will say the offense is in the opposing team’s territory. Some offenses can score quickly, their game plan usually relies on deep passes. Other teams have more of a grind-it-out style, preferring to run the ball and bite off large chunks of yardage at a time. Either way, the best offenses usually find a way into the end zone.
IN THE BEDROOM: A touchdown is intercourse, full stop. You put together some first downs or you threw the deep pass, it doesn’t really matter. The important thing is, you have set out what exactly what you planned to do which is score. Touchdown! But do not celebrate just yet.
ON THE FIELD: The customary field goal kick teams take after they score a touchdown. As implied by its name, this play is only worth one point. Success on this play is as certain as water being wet. According to The New York Times football blog, “The Fifth Down,” the accuracy rate for extra points has hovered around 99 percent for nearly over a decade. That being said, missing an extra point can happen and when it does, the shock, awe, and pain is akin to a gut punch.
IN THE BEDROOM: You arrived in the end zone, the hard part is done. All you have to do is get that extra point, or what scientists and doctors refer to as your orgasm. This shouldn’t be hard. Sure it’s not as automatic as an extra point but it’s pretty freaking automatic, right? You did all that work, only to not get that one extra point? Tough break. It happens. And when it does, you will probably end up having the same face as all the guys you see in the video from 0:42 — 0:51, and sounding like the guy at the end.
ON THE FIELD: For years, the two point conversion was only allowed in college football, but eventually it made it’s way into the pros. A two point conversion is the alternative to the extra point after a team has scored a touchdown. The science behind when to go for two as opposed to just kicking the extra point, is still years from being figured out. Most times a team is only going for two if there’s absolutely no way they can win or tie. I didn’t feel like finding any stats to get the hard data on the success rate of two point conversions, but I’ve watched enough football to know the success rate is about the same as you correctly calling heads or tails on a coin toss. I also know when it works, it’s the second most exciting play in football.
IN THE BEDROOM: To say you’re going for two is to say you’re not only going to get your orgasm, you’re going to give her an orgasm as well, or, at least try to. It’s not impossible, but it’s not easy either. If you go for two, you, my friend, are obviously trying to win the game or stay in it, she appreciates that and the ovation you get will probably look like this.
ON THE FIELD: Teams kicking the ball and teams receiving the ball are known as special team units. The kickoff/punt return is known as the most dangerous play in football because the speed of it is so fast, the damage return men can sustain is potentially life changing. Blocking here is paramount. If the team who receives the ball is able to score, there’s few things more exciting to watch. They have also allowed the defensive and offensive units to chill out some more on the sideline.
IN THE BEDROOM: This is when you haven’t had to make one play on offense and she doesn’t feel like playing any defense. You want to score right away, and she’s not going to stop you. Just remember what I said about the kickoff-punt return being the most dangerous play in football because the metaphor still sticks in real life, so make sure you got all your blockers up front. Oh, and remember what I said about Devin Hester? If ever you should be so fortunate as to return a kick for a touchdown, tell all your friends Devin Hester is your new nickname.
As I was writing out this glossary, I found myself coming up with a bunch of football terms ladies can use. Look out for those tomorrow.