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How To Be Friends With Someone You Sleep With

You gonna learn today.

Assuming you care about such a thing I’m going to explain how you can be friends with the person you’re sleeping with.

First: start off as non-friends. It’s just easier that way. Sleep with an old friend, and things can be compromised, also, if you two are already friends, why are you reading this anyway?

You have to establish you’re going to sleep with each other first. Super important, people! There can’t be any will-we-won’t-we tension built-up between the parties. The only tension should be when-will-we-how-good-will-it-be type tension.

Once this is established, plan for it in whichever way you plan such things, and make it at either your place or their place. Don’t make it at a neutral place, like a hotel. Hotel sex is something neither of you a ready for at this point in a developing friendship.

Also, don’t think you’re too good to schedule an appointment for sex. Think of it like this: You’re too busy to do it any other way. You work all the freaking time, and when you’re not working, you sleep all the time. So yeah, arrange for it to go down, and schedule it somewhere between dinner and bedtime.

Guest, look like you want someone to have sex with you, and be sober.

Host, look like you want someone to have sex with you, and be sober.

Looking like you want someone to have sex with you is about looking presentable. Be decent, be comfortable, be presentable. Put another way: Look like you’re about to go work out at an Equinox, those gym members always want to look good but also want to sweat.

Host, ask them if they want a drink.

Guest, always say water because everyone has water. (If they don’t have water, leave)

Sit down, next to each other.

Don’t play any music.

Have the television on. (Make sure it’s something you two both don’t care about, like the news.)

Finish the water, at a nice even pace. Don’t sip, don’t gulp, but drink, persistently.

Host, take the glass away, walk to the kitchen, and rinse it out.

Guest, follow host to the kitchen. Go up behind host, kiss them on their neck.

The first kiss should never be on the lips. We all like kissing on the lips, I know. But we all love being kissed on the neck, it’s more sexual, less intimate. And remember, this is about sex, not intimacy. Let intimacy come through friendship, not through sex.

Host, let the kiss on the neck be a guide. Take things to the bedroom accordingly.

Now of course you can stay in the kitchen, but you two are humans, not savages. Be human and go to the damn bed.

Host, guest, when having sex for the first time, accept the awkward, don’t try to be the man or the woman, just be man and woman. Enjoy each other, do it good enough to do it again, and do it well. Two people who have sex with each other are only friends because the sex is good.

When you’re finished, shut up for three or four minutes. I would say five, but five feels like an eternity. Then, host, this is critical, say only these words: “Do you want some water?”

Everyone wants water. I keep telling you fools.

They will say yes. Go get the water, put it in the same glass you were rinsing out. Share the glass of water.

I repeat: Share the glass of water. This is what friends do.

Put the underwear back on or the shorts, whatever. It doesn’t matter. Just put an article of clothing back on. Then, talk, about what? I have no idea. But talk, not all night, just until the first yawn.

Use the first yawn as a cue you have to get going.

Don’t spend the night.

Stay in touch.

Always be kind and respectful to one another.

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  • Yeswewed

    Dying laughing right now! 

  • maxfab

    I was so with you until you got to “share the glass of water”. 
    I won’t even share a glass of water with my sister, much less a friend I’m having sex with. 

  • Ednise

    Just read this…
    Pretty damn funny!!!

  • Lola Gets228

    Really?? Sex is pretty gross on its own…. you’ve already swapped spit and other fluids… whats a glass of water?

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  • boom

    yes! this is an exact recount of the sex we had like 3 years ago! thanks for taking me through the awful experience again. and we are definitely NOT friends.

  • Arthur Bizkit

     “Everyone wants water. I keep telling you fools”