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Eat Like A Man In Front Of Her

Most of you probably think this post is going to be about something wildly inappropriate. Too bad it’s not, you perverts.

This is about eating actual food in front of a woman, and how a man should go about doing such a thing. This is not a gentleman’s guide to eating a meal in front of a woman, this is my guide. Don’t get me wrong, I too am a gentleman, but when it comes to food, I am a savage.

Don’t ask me how I ended up at the Four Seasons for a press luncheon about some new cream for rosacea. When you’re an editor at a magazine, and publicists send you press requests with free lunch at a renowned restaurant as an incentive, you go, even if it’s for a product that has absolutely no chance of getting any words written on it.

That’s exactly what I did, and boy was I out of place. The room was packed with nothing but women from women magazines, which makes sense considering rosacea is a skin disorder and the product being hawked was a cream to help diminish flare ups. I took my seat at a round table surrounded by five other women ready to feast.

The menu was three-courses, prix-fixe with a choice of soup or salad, two entrees, and three different desserts. I can’t remember whether I ordered the soup or salad, nor do I remember the dessert. I do however remember the entree choices: Filet mignon or salmon. If you think I ordered the salmon, let this be a reminder you do not know me at all.

When the filet arrived at my table, I went about my business quietly. This was in the middle of the company’s presentation, so there was nothing but silence between my table mates and me. All of us sat, faking our rapt attention at some guy at the podium while we went about eating our meals as stealth as possible. I’m cutting into my protein and chewing it quietly, not making a sound, being as polite and formal as possible. Out of nowhere, I hear my silverware crash against the plate. I look down, and there’s no more steak! Without knowing it, I inhaled my entree.

I took a look at the women around me to see if everyone at their meal as fast I did. They did not. All of the women were still eating, a couple were still on their salad. And there I was, plate, empty. I quietly put down my knife and fork with a heavy heart, thinking, have I no couth? Did I just shame my mother’s whole legacy? That’s when the woman sitting next to me leaned over and whispered in my ear, “That’s how a man is supposed to eat.”

Gentlemen, that was the day I realized everything I was ever told about eating in front of a woman was complete nonsense.

Here are the facts:

  • Women respect your large appetite.
  • Women do not respect you if you can’t finish everything on your plate.
  • If she finishes her meal before you, she thinks she can beat you up.

Now that you know those things, don’t be one of those guys who eats like a bird on a diet. Be a man. Eat the food.

Of course, it’d behoove you to have some manners. Don’t just pick up the bowl of soup to slurp down the last couple of spoonfuls. Instead, tilt the bowl towards you and scoop out the rest. Oh and put the napkin in your lap, dude. But once you have those things down, eat like your life depended on it because it kind of does. Trust me.

Ever since that fateful day at the Four Seasons, every women I have ever eaten a meal with said they appreciate two things about me: My taste in food. My ability to eat all my food. Chicks dig a man who can eat chicken. Preferably a whole one. Preferably in three bites or less.

So the next time you go out to eat with a lady, be a gentleman to your guest and a comic book villain to your meal. The end result might be dessert to go.

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  • Ednise

    I’m going to have to agree with you. I’m a woman who loves to cook, and if the guy I’m serving it to doesn’t empty his plate, I will feel insulted. I love a man who appreciates good food. Heck, I love him even more if he asks for seconds 😉

  • ThisIsTee1

    “Here are the facts:
    Women respect your large appetite.Women do not respect you if you can’t finish everything on your plate.If she finishes her meal before you, she thinks she can beat you up.”
    Truer words were never spoken, especially fact #3.  I think I can TOTALLY beat you up if I finish my meal before you do.  Actually, I just MIGHT beat you up because you made me look like a total piglet for finishing first….LOL

  • Darren Sands

    only women that can talk about what and how and when a man should eat is one that cooks. well. 

  • Ednise

    …and I second that 🙂

  • Crystal

    Everything you said is true!!!  One dessert I make pretty darn well is peach cobbler and it makes me so happy when male friends start going to town on it straight out of the pan… no time for plates!!!

  • MsMedSchool

    I grew up with a family of male athletes who could tear up a whole kitchen. I enjoy cooking for my man but above all else, nothing gives me more pleasure than seeing him scraping the last bits off his plate and licking his fingers after having sseconds.

  • Srsbf1

    i Completely disagree!! i am a slow eater and i hate when a man 1) scarfs his food like he hasnt had a meal in weeks 2) leaves me scrambling to finish my food b/c he’s sitting there just lookin at me. i looove a guy who doesn’t shove food in his face at every chance AND who has the strength to box whatever’s left of his entree to go.

  • EvolvingElle

    A few weeks back, I attended an event sponsored by one of the MBA programs in DC.  At dinner, I was sitting next to a gentleman who CLEANED his plate and was done with all three courses of his meal before anyone else.  When I looked at his empty plate and my half-full one while we were eating our 2nd course, I totally thought of this post. 

  • Nadira Rae

    TOTALLY AGREE!  I think a man with no appetite or bird-like eating habits is a complete turn-off (and I may call your sexual virility into question lol).  Man up and throw down on that plate…stop playing.

  • Tiki

    Errm…what they all said up there.

    But it aint entrée if it’s main course. The order is entrée/starter (soup or salad) – Plat de résistance/main (filet mignon or salmon) – dessert.