Eat Like A Man In Front Of Her
Most of you probably think this post is going to be about something wildly inappropriate. Too bad it’s not, you perverts.
This is about eating actual food in front of a woman, and how a man should go about doing such a thing. This is not a gentleman’s guide to eating a meal in front of a woman, this is my guide. Don’t get me wrong, I too am a gentleman, but when it comes to food, I am a savage.
Don’t ask me how I ended up at the Four Seasons for a press luncheon about some new cream for rosacea. When you’re an editor at a magazine, and publicists send you press requests with free lunch at a renowned restaurant as an incentive, you go, even if it’s for a product that has absolutely no chance of getting any words written on it.
That’s exactly what I did, and boy was I out of place. The room was packed with nothing but women from women magazines, which makes sense considering rosacea is a skin disorder and the product being hawked was a cream to help diminish flare ups. I took my seat at a round table surrounded by five other women ready to feast.
The menu was three-courses, prix-fixe with a choice of soup or salad, two entrees, and three different desserts. I can’t remember whether I ordered the soup or salad, nor do I remember the dessert. I do however remember the entree choices: Filet mignon or salmon. If you think I ordered the salmon, let this be a reminder you do not know me at all.
When the filet arrived at my table, I went about my business quietly. This was in the middle of the company’s presentation, so there was nothing but silence between my table mates and me. All of us sat, faking our rapt attention at some guy at the podium while we went about eating our meals as stealth as possible. I’m cutting into my protein and chewing it quietly, not making a sound, being as polite and formal as possible. Out of nowhere, I hear my silverware crash against the plate. I look down, and there’s no more steak! Without knowing it, I inhaled my entree.
I took a look at the women around me to see if everyone at their meal as fast I did. They did not. All of the women were still eating, a couple were still on their salad. And there I was, plate, empty. I quietly put down my knife and fork with a heavy heart, thinking, have I no couth? Did I just shame my mother’s whole legacy? That’s when the woman sitting next to me leaned over and whispered in my ear, “That’s how a man is supposed to eat.”
Gentlemen, that was the day I realized everything I was ever told about eating in front of a woman was complete nonsense.
Here are the facts:
- Women respect your large appetite.
- Women do not respect you if you can’t finish everything on your plate.
- If she finishes her meal before you, she thinks she can beat you up.
Now that you know those things, don’t be one of those guys who eats like a bird on a diet. Be a man. Eat the food.
Of course, it’d behoove you to have some manners. Don’t just pick up the bowl of soup to slurp down the last couple of spoonfuls. Instead, tilt the bowl towards you and scoop out the rest. Oh and put the napkin in your lap, dude. But once you have those things down, eat like your life depended on it because it kind of does. Trust me.
Ever since that fateful day at the Four Seasons, every women I have ever eaten a meal with said they appreciate two things about me: My taste in food. My ability to eat all my food. Chicks dig a man who can eat chicken. Preferably a whole one. Preferably in three bites or less.
So the next time you go out to eat with a lady, be a gentleman to your guest and a comic book villain to your meal. The end result might be dessert to go.