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Girls You Shouldn’t Fall For: The One Looking and Hoping for a Boyfriend

Let’s unpack some myths and facts before we get into it.

MYTH: All women want to be in a relationship.

FACT: Not all women want to be in a relationship.

MYTH: Women who don’t want to be in a relationship are not worth dating.

FACT: The best woman to take out on a date is the woman who is not searching for a relationship.

I know it may seem like a backwards idea, dating a woman who doesn’t want to be in a relationship, who isn’t hoping for a boyfriend and thinks she has no room in her life for one. If you’re one of those guys who actually wants to be in a relationship, who feels ready for a girlfriend, this idea may seem even more nonsensical. Because if you’re looking for a serious relationship with a woman, why not go for the woman who is looking to be in a serious relationship with a man?

The answer is simple: The woman who is looking for a boyfriend has an agenda.

A woman who plans her love life like she plans her weekend is a scary thing, not because commitment is scary, but because she is allowing her head to captain a journey her heart should be steering. Should I get into a relationship with this type of woman, I’m not her man so much as I’m some character in this fairy tale life she is writing every single day.

There is nothing wrong with the woman who has a plan. Plans are good, healthy even! They show organization, diligence, and a couple of other positive qualities that reflect good character. But plans are for careers, events, and traveling. Plans are not for relationships, at least not getting into them. What is good for relationships is love; genuine, heartfelt, requited love.

True love cannot be planned.

I don’t want to be a part of some woman’s schedule, I want to be a part of her life in a genuine and real way. I don’t want a woman who is waiting for a man, I want a woman who was too busy to ever see me coming, but once I arrived, was more than happy I’m in the house.

There was a woman I used to date with whom I always felt this strong connection, something unique and different from the others I previously dated. She wanted us to be in a relationship but because her career was moving her thousands of miles away from me, I didn’t feel comfortable committing. She thought a long distance relationship was going to be easy. I knew from past experiences it wouldn’t be easy. Whenever we had this difficult conversation, her usual line of attack would begin with shots at my feelings for her. She always said if I really cared about her as much as I said I did, I would give it a shot, regardless of what I went through before her.

Point for her.

Eventually, her frustration boiled over to another problem she had with me and my unwillingness to get into a relationship with her: I wasn’t working on her schedule, the one she probably concocted years ago with one of her girlfriends while painting each other’s toe nails at a sleepover.

Point taken away from her.

Her original point about how if I wanted to be in a relationship with her I would make it work, no matter the distance, became flimsier with every mention she made of how she wanted to be married by a specific year and have a family by another year. What was even more insulting was how she suggested because I didn’t want to be in a relationship with her, I didn’t want to get married or have a family either.

I want to get married.

I want a family.

I have always wanted those things, except for the years in my life when I knew I wanted to be single, and even then, I was open to the idea of a woman topsy-turving my plans. Being raise in an environment where the idea of family was fluid and unstable for so many years, I have wanted nothing more than one woman to call my wife and a family to call my own.

But what I want most of all is the thing that great families and great marriages are built upon: That love.

There’s not a man in the world who doesn’t want a good woman who loves him, some men want it so bad, they’ll accept it from a woman who has it all planned out. Usually these men have their own plan too, and they just want a woman who is down with the program. Godspeed to them two and their plans.

But for the rest of us, I suggest we remain steadfast in our approach to life. It’s not that we have have no plan, it’s just we’re not willing to put some things on a plan; love is one of those things.

The woman I have always been drawn too is not unavailable, she’s unafraid. She is unafraid of me, she is unafraid of love, because love can be a scary thing to a lot of people, but I’m not afraid of letting it in and I’m not afraid of letting it go. I’m willing to accept getting love wrong if only because I believe that’s one step closer to getting it right. Love is too sacred to schedule, too precious to plan.

Don’t be submit to some woman’s man draft, don’t even pay attention to a woman who has one. No matter how good a woman is, if she made plans for you before she even met you, she might not be good for you.

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  • @jevans032

    This puts what I’ve been thinking to words better than I ever could. Point for you.

  • Alesiamichelle

    But what about the man not looking for a relationship… Idk I believe in taking someone at their word… If someone says they don’t want a relationship that is fine, I ain’t bring one to their doorstep. Men and women are different, Duh, although a woman not looking for a relationship may be game… A man not looking for a relationship shouldn’t be forced into one…


  • thewatcher

    I agree with you to an extent. Someone who is desperate for any relationship just to fit their “schedule”? Nope not at all. A woman who is looking for love, but not willing to settle for just anything, but instead the right person for her? Ok.

    We plan our careers, school, but when it comes to the most important decision we will make in our life (marriage) we leave it all to chance. What would happen if we put the same type of effort toward love as we do everything else? I’m guessing there would be a lot less divorces.

  • Paloma8803

    I needed to read this…thanks!

  • Gina6180

    I do not agree with your point view.  Just because a woman says she wants a relationship, does not means she wants one from you. Just means they are not looking for recreational dating or recreational sex. Don’t get me wrong, there are those men and women who will take the first person to come along.  But a person who wants something meaningful, and is hopeful to meet that next new special person does not spell desperation/agenda or manipulation.  IJS.

  • J Danielle

    I don’t think I agree. Having a desire to have something (romantic or otherwise) doesn’t necessarily indicate a willingness to do unhealthy or desperate things to get it. I think we should be avoiding desperate people not avoiding people who know what they want and are honest about it. 

  • Ebonymsimpson

    Any woman who lets it be known she has a plan for you is sloppy….woman are planners, as we are more attuned to the passing of time, we are naturally suited to planning….I echo the previous comments, in that settling for anything or forcing a situation is clearly no bueno, it’s perfectly responsible to know what your looking for ie. a relationship and auditioning hopefuls for the part. I myself would love to be in a loving relationship, So I approach dating very casually, focusing on friendship before intimacy. Women can get real scary when we’ve become intimate with a man who refuses to commit, You got a lot of women walking around vampire zombie trying to fill the void the last man left. There is nothing more powerful and attractive than a woman saving herself for the right commitment and that’s the kind of woman u wanna date.

  • Stillpunchkid

    Jozen sometimes you write complete bs I still respect you for articulating yourself well even when you are misguided. 

  • DoubleR

    Although this is typically not a problem among the age group your writing is mainly geared toward, please bear in mind that women are on a timetable for child bearing. If we want to be within a marriage when we give birth to said children, time frames are something we have to take into consideration.

    A woman making it known from jump that she is looking for commitment and stability with one man is not an attack on you or suggesting that any man at all can fill said role. I think it’s simply her way of letting you know she has no time for games and doesn’t want to get into anything breezy and casual. But if a man realizes he is not ready to explore stepping up in that way, then I agree that it’s best to move on to a girl who’s currently down for whatever.

  • Nubianbeauty00

    I agree completely and love this post. Women with plans are scary and will settle for anyone willing to fit into the plan. If I were a man, I would run in the opposite direction. It is a trap and no one wants to feel as if they were trapped into a relationship let alone a marriage. 

  • ebonyivory

    you still have some growing to do and that’s cool bc I appreciate the “let life happen” sentiment. and so based on the undertones, I’m thinking if a woman advertises “all I’m looking for is no strings attached right now,” she might get applauded for her being “unafraid” and still, a woman admitting she is unafraid but also searching for similar concerted fearlessness in a man to take a leap of faith together into the unknown is seen as calculating and should be avoided. that’s the kind of b.s. I expect you may have given the last chick you broke up with who expected a little more than you had to give and so you’re preaching the blind shall lead the blind now. get glasses my dude. 20/20 vision is the new “future’s so bright, I gotta wear shades.” them rose colored ones you got on don’t go with your penmanship.

  • Kristen Jeffers

    I wanted to offer some perspective to everyone, including Jozen. I appreciate this post. Having been a planner(and being one professionally) it was hard to not plan my life out as well. However, I started aging faster than I wanted to and I could trace it to stress. I think what needs to be done on both sides is to take things as slow as possible and be open to the fact that at the end, there are things that can’t be compromised and may be dealbreakers. As has been said in other posts, spending too much time focused on one aspect of a relationship or lack of said aspect can be trouble.

  • Champ Ion

    I co-sign everything written in this post.  Only after dealing with a woman that has every detail of the man she wanted, the life she wanted and the schedule with which it had to abide to did I come to a similar conclusion; that love should have a certain unpredictable factor to it.  Plans are good, but some times its best to just let things develop on their own as opposed to forcing it to fit some (read: her) predetermined template.

  • lana

    I think you missed the point of the post. A woman who is looking for a “no strings attached” situation, but also open to possibilities of a future, is not the same woman who is calculating her future with every man she meets.

  • ebonyivory

    Yo, chill. It’s just a comment. Just “my” comment like it’s just “his” post. And I think you missed the point to my comment because I referred to the fearless woman who doesn’t want the possibility but receives praise for having a plan with no agenda vs. the fearless woman whose agenda is optimizing the opportunity to take a concerted leap together besides who mentioned “every man,” not I? Besides, it’s almost Mother’s Day, everyone should thank all the single Moms for being open to the possibility of being fearless in the face of a man whose relationship agenda changed along the way because sometimes even when you think you’ve calculated your future with the right one, when the formula no longer works, you still have to solve for why.

  • Yolly

    If we`re comparing one extreme to the other, I`d absolutely agree that the women with the agenda are the one’s to steer clear of.What i disagree with is the assumption that all plans are scary. Just because a woman has a plan doesn`t mean it`s set in stone. Some people you meet will make you throw all plans right out the window. It can also be said that women like me, who aren`t looking for a relationship aren`t necessarily the best women to date. ”Planning is bringing the future to the present so you can do something about it now”. I`m very much aware that I haven`t quite figured out what it is that I truly want yet so I haven`t started planning. But like it or not, every woman and most men eventually start to set priorities and figure out their goals. Yes, Love is too sacred to schedule, too precious to plan but that`s assuming we have any real control on when we find love. Truth is it`s not really up to any of us. The woman to be weary of isn’t the one with a plan, it’s the one with the schedule.

  • Guest

    I agree with the sensible, mature women who have commented on this post. I don’t frequent this blog, and with the one-sided, dim views expressed in this post, I probably won’t subscribe. Still, I do have to say I think what we have here is a very limited thought process, lacking maturity and experience.

    Like others have said in their comments, you’re not considering women who are at the point in their lives when they are prepared and equipped to be in a healthy relationship with someone who is of the same preparedness, mentally and emotionally. That is rare, and when it comes around, I think it is important that both people put in the effort to explore it and see where the relationship can go. That takes intention and it takes maturity. Only immature people would see being prepared to be in a committed, mature relationship that has a future, and being comfortable expressing that desire as desperate and something to run from.

    Not to totally detract what is said here, people do need to be wise and not try to make someone who is wrong for them fit into a mold of what they believe is right at the right time, but that goes for both genders! This just sounds like another excuse for men to use to run away from the responsibility of being in healthy relationships. Next!

  • Renee

    I totally agree with this article. There is a difference between making plans and being prepared. I think a lot of people who disagree are prepared to be in a serious relationship, rather than planning out when they want one, when to get married, when to have children.
    I definitely support being prepared, getting your life right in case someone special does show up one day. But you definitely cannot seriously plan your life and think the perfect man will just come along and go along with “Your plans”.
    Life is supposed to be fun, how can you enjoy life if your stressed and on a time crunch waiting for the perfect man. That is the most depressing thing I can think of and I actually know women like this. Also why do people assume a woman who isn’t looking for a relationship is looking for casual flings? Some women like me just don’t believe in needing a BF to complete this puzzle.  People pay way too much attention to these titles, you’re making yourself an easy target because if a man really just wants to smash he’ll say the magic words and still peace out in a month or two. Desperation is not sexy, stop wishing and hoping and praying and wanting (ok don’t stop praying but I’m sticking by the rest).

  • AJ

    Lol I don’t think Lana was overly excited in her response to you, seemed pretty level headed.  But I actually did miss the point of your comment.  I think the article is a pretty sensible way to keep people from rushing things with the wrong person for fear of getting off of some predetermined schedule.

  • Midnight

    But he even says that he does want to be married and does want a family…He didn’t specify  a particular woman either.  I don’t think he’s saying that when women who express that (which is exactly what he says he wants) are in the wrong, I think it’s the women who will eventually settle for whoever they are with because their “timeline” says married by 28 and two kids by 35.  I think he’s literally saying the same thing that you are.

  • star

    Wow so brillitant … making me rethink my approach and be more open. such a sincere comment