All The Talks We Had About Our Future
Remember when the past was the present and how we would talk about the future?
In those moments, we discussed everything: Me. You. Who would be invited to see me and you as we prepared to live life together as one.
We talked a lot about those times, with no hint of uncertainty. Somehow we knew, or rather, we felt like with the exception of the bare ring fingers we had at the moment, our future would look no different than our present.
To be fair, it was me who spoke the most of what we could be, of what I wanted us to be. You have to understand, at the moment I said anything to you, it was coming from a sincere place. I could have been strapped into a lie detector test, and the results would have showed, I never lied. I meant it when I said I could see us getting married. I meant it when I said I could live anywhere in the world with you. I meant it when I said my mother is going to love you when she meets you.
But we’re not together anymore, so getting married seems impossible. We never moved, and my mother only asks when is the last time I talked to you.
And now you think I lied to you back then; all those things I said were just things I said because they sounded good and were fun to say.
You could not be more wrong.
There is a difference between a lie and a change of heart. Back then, I never lied, and right now, I’m not lying when I say that. What also was not a lie was when I said we could no longer be. We could always talk about what caused me to steer my life in another direction, but right now I would rather not. Instead, I thought you might want to know the reasons why I filled your head with all these plans of a life together only to break them.
Us men, we get ahead of ourselves at times.
I don’t know what I was thinking back then, but again, this goes back to what I was feeling. I can’t remember exactly what my plans were the night we met, but I remember all those plans changing the first time you smiled at me. If I recall, I probably had plans to be with someone else later that night, but five minutes into our introduction, I tore up my to-do list, made a new one, and here is what it said:
1) Being with her
Soon after that night, we became inseparable and soon after that, we found ourselves talking all the time about our future plans as individuals, and then those talks became about a future together. Maybe I should have not said anything but the fact is if I didn’t feel like we had a future together, a present between us would have ceased to exist.
All the talks we had about the future were theories in hindsight. But just because they didn’t come into fruition does not mean they were a waste or a lie. I don’t think it was ever a mistake to discuss the future with you, even though it is now in the past. The reality is, when I said I could be with you forever, I was sharing with you my dreams, dreams that did not come true, but still, dreams I had of you.