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How To Cheat On Her With Yourself And What To Do If You Get Caught

If I have to spell out exactly what I mean by the title of this post, chances are, you are a prude. Also, Mom, sister, family, former teachers, role models, stop reading now. I’m not about to say anything unnatural, but, yeah, ;et’s just say this isn’t a conversation we would ever have in person so please, stop reading.

Right now.


(No, stop, seriously.)

For those who aren’t prudes or play any of the roles in my life I mentioned above, let’s move on.

I don’t know how other guys do it, but I always prefer to cheat on my lady with myself when I’m by myself and she’s nowhere around. This is the least I can do. I feel like it would be disrespectful to just start taking care of myself if she’s in the same space as me.

But, every now and then, my lady may be in the mood to not be in the mood. I understand. These things happen. Sometimes her lack of a mood conflicts with my being in the mood and because she has no plans to do anything but stay home right by me, I can’t be alone in complete solitude. I must take the ultimate risk and pull off my pleasure mission without getting caught even though she’s around.

Now the best place to do this is obviously in the bathroom. But if you’re in one of those really comfortable relationships where privacy is not at all required, you’re going to have to get things done quickly. Take too long and brace yourself because the knock on the door followed by the, “Everything okay in there?” question is coming.

The second best place is any room where she is not, except if the two of you have children. Don’t do it in the child’s bedroom. But the guest room, the living room, the unattended bedroom you two share, these are perfectly acceptable places to do what you have to do. Just know if she is in another room, and she doesn’t hear a sound coming from anywhere in your residence for five minutes or more, she’s on the hunt. That is of course if she’s not taking care of herself, in which case you two are cheating on each other with yourselves, which is kind of romantic if you think about it.

The third place is the most daring place. Men, I caution you, should you decide to do it in this place, understand you’re making a serious statement that says, “I GIVE NOT ONE DAMN ABOUT ANYTHING.” In all caps, just like I wrote it.

The location I’m speaking of is in the bed, laying right next to her.

I’m not even going to give tips on how to pull this off. I did it once, back in 2008. She was a light sleeper so I knew if I got out of bed and went to the living room or the bathroom (which, in my tiny apartment, was not far from my bed), she would have woken up. I had no choice but to handle things while she slept turned away from me. I can’t really describe the feeling other than to say, I know how bank robbers feel when they’re trying to pull off the ultimate heist while bungee jumping.

No matter where you decide to get it on with yourself, you must understand the risk you run with getting caught. The most important thing you need to remember is if you decide to handle things when your woman is in the same vicinity, you must retire any aids. Don’t get caught watching p0rn on the computer, dude. It’s only going to start a very uncomfortable conversation. Also, if you’re the type to add any sort of sound effects to your session, refrain or at least whisper.

Let’s say even after we’ve followed all these rules somehow our woman still catches us in the act. No doubt, there will be questions. (The comedian Louis C.K. has a great joke about getting caught taking care of himself by his wife, in the closet. To paraphrase he says his wife asked him the question, “What do you think about? Do you think about me?” He didn’t tell her what he was thinking, which was, “Why would I think about you? It’s my mind. I can go anywhere.) Answer all questions to the best of your ability, embrace the awkward conversation that is sure to ensue, and let her make her jokes because remember, part of why you’re doing this is her fault anyway. But don’t blame her or act like you’re not embarrassed. It’s embarrassing when we get caught. Period.

But if during this awkward conversation your woman suggests that next time you don’t need to hide it from her or do it in secret, tell her she couldn’t be more wrong. The fact of the matter is, we all need our privacy to handle private matters. Some women love to suggest it’s perfectly acceptable to do what we have to do right in front of the, others say we can just let them know what we’re about to do instead of acting like we’re going in the other room to watch ESPN.

We need not disclose what we’re about to do and she need not be around to watch and no amount of comfortability with your woman should ever make you feel comfortable enough to think differently. You have to let your woman know, this isn’t about her or you and her, this is about you and your time and one of your favorite past times and she needs to respect that. She can’t watch or supervise. And if she tries to suggest you carry on even as she’s still in the same room, don’t be the worst and keep going. Stand up for your privacy and tell her it’s your body and it’s your time. You’ll be done in five minutes.

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    honestly, men should be able to masturbate in peace. It’s not a big deal.

  • Girl

    But what if she likes to watch?!

  • Isaiah Green Jr

    “I GIVE NOT ONE DAMN ABOUT ANYTHING.” In all caps, just like I wrote it.  I didn’t even know that’s what I was saying…OH WELL, in all caps, just like I wrote it!