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She Will Always Tell The Truth

You dug Esile from the moment you saw her in sixth grade home room. For the next two years, you were in pursuit, took the back door approach starting off as friends first. You had a couple of girlfriends in that time, got your experience up with that one girl who was older than you in seventh grade; the one your mom caught you making out with under the tree in a public park. But as crazy as you were over her, she had nothing on Esile. She was the one you always wanted, even though you were telling others, they were your Esile.

In eighth grade Esile was finally ready to be your girl. This came after you showed off on a class project you two partnered up on. You did most of the work, not because you were soft and wanted to make it easy for her, but because you wanted to show her that if she was on your team, you’d always run the point. She could trust you to handle things and get them done. She liked that about you, because even in eighth grade a girl wants a boy who will do the heavy lifting, and if he can’t, he will do the necessary amount of pushups and come back to try again.

So Esile and you started going together and that first night you ccouldn’t sleep. You two talked on the phone for two hours even though you two lived three blocks away from each other. But you know parents, they just don’t understand how real that eighth grade love is, so you had to wait to see her the next day at school, in first period, where you two took algebra together.

For three weeks, things were cool. You kissed, held hands, tried to do more because you were fast back then, but she backed away. All the while, you could hear the whispers of others. In eighth grade, not too many people are actually in relationships. There’s probably like one or two other couples besides yourselves, so when you walk down the halls together, fingers interlocked, people be talking.

One day, a Saturday, you tell her how it’s bothering you that people always have something to say. Even back then you cared entirely way too much about what other people thought. She said she heard people saying stuff too. She sounded blasé about the whole thing, not saying much and then saying this: “I don’t pay attention to what they say behind our back,” she said. “I’m glad you’re my man, if they have a problem with us being together, they can say it to our face.” You appreciated her candor, took it as a sign that this thing was going to last at least until high school.

Sunday came. You just finished eating dinner with the family and were in your room waiting for “In Living Color” to come on when you heard the phone ring. Mom picked up and said it was for you. You picked up the phone in your room and it was Esile.

“We have to talk,” she said.

Those were the first time you heard those words, but it was like you already knew what it meant: Nothing good.

“What’s up,” you said, deepening your voice to try and sound like the man she fell for when you took over that class project.

“I don’t want to be your girlfriend anymore,” she said.

You ain’t cry, not at that moment, but that’s because you were thrown for a loop. Didn’t Esile just say yesterday that people could say what they want about you two and if they had a problem, they could say it to her face? Didn’t she say she was glad you were her man? If she felt this way yesterday why couldn’t she keep it real on Saturday? Why’d she have to wait until Sunday?

You were angry not about the breakup but about what she said to you 24 hours before she broke up with you. You believed her declaration of appreciation for you and your boyfriend skills, took it as gospel. Now, just one day later, she’s telling you it’s over? Why did she lie?

Initially, you were shocked because you thought only men lie about their feelings towards women, that it never works the other way around. Because as you got older you learned most men will say anything for a chance to be inside of a woman. You know we ain’t sh*t. We tell a woman we love her before we do, we tell a woman they’re ours with a hand behind our back and our fingers crossed, all in the name of her saying our name in heat.

You yourself were like those guys for a long time. Lying about your feelings to get to the thing you honestly wanted. Hell, you were lying to the seventh grade girl about wanting to be with her until freshman year because you kind of thought she may give it up. You don’t do it as much anymore, but you know, you ain’t above it. No man is.

But you never forgot that women could lie too so whenever other women told you how they felt about you, you either told them to chill or you secretly chose not to believe them. Until one day, a woman came along and started gassing you up like Esile once did, making you feel like you were in eighth grade all over again.

You believed her and everything she felt. There were moments when you were skeptical, times when you thought, no way, she doesn’t mean those things. She’s saying all of this to rope me in, to get me to go soft on her. And you said it wouldn’t happen until it quickly did. She got your mind right how she wanted it, where she wanted it: Open and on her.

But the more you opened up, the more she shut down. This wasn’t like Esile, but it kind of reminded you of her. She was hot for you one second, cold for you the next, and the contrast between the two got more and more extreme as each day passed.

You finally called her out on it and she finally admitted, something was wrong, she didn’t feel the same way she used to and she didn’t know why. And this was over the phone and for a second, you felt like that boy in eighth grade who was talking on their house phone. She was on the other end, sounding a lot like Esile.

For a second you thought you were hoodwinked once again. You kicked yourself for forgetting the valuable lesson you learned back in eighth grade. You still remembered a lot of other things you were taught back then. How could you forget about this? That a woman could lie too.

A couple days passed after the conversation between you and her, you had more time to think about everything that was said that night on the phone, and everything she said back when you two were first together. When you held them up in your mind, and studied them thoroughly, you came to a revelation.

She actually didn’t lie to you when she said you were the man. Esile didn’t lie to you when she said she was happy you were her man. Both of those ladies meant every word they said to you when they said it. They did have these feelings for you, with no reason to lie about them. It’s not that women are more honest it’s just, a woman lying about her feelings doesn’t do for her what it does for a man. The motivation for you to lie doesn’t exist for her, so why should she do such a thing? A woman who lies is only doing so for someone else. The last person she’s doing it for is her self. Men have their own reasons to lie, and put them first. The reason there are more male politicians than female politicians is because it’s more in a man’s nature to lie than it is a woman’s.

If she is guilty of anything it isn’t lying about her feelings, it’s not thinking about them thoroughly before she expresses them. She will get so caught up in moments of bliss, she will say what she is feeling right then and there. When your bodies are so close you don’t know where one ends and the other begins, she will say she doesn’t want it to end. When you’re walking home with her at 2 a.m. and she’s drunk off the quiet in the city and your hand is holding hers, she will say she only wants to be with you. When you’re waiting until the last possible moment you two can be together before she has to board a plane, she declares to anyone willing to hear, you set the grade curve for boyfriends. If you’re the man who does these things, I promise you, she will feel like she can be with you until the day after eternity.

But you won’t always be the man who does these things, as a matter of fact, most times you won’t be that man.

Most of the time, you will just be a guy, her guy, and, at some point, she will take you off that pedestal she put you on. You will become demystified, and she will see you for the man you are. When this becomes apparent to her, she may decide she still wants to be with you, but she may also decide you’re not quite what she wanted and you have to understand if she chooses the latter over the former, she told you no lies.

When she said she wanted to be with you, that was truth then, and when said she didn’t want to be with you anymore, well, that is the truth now. A woman always tells the truth about how she feels, you just have to be ready to believe her when it’s the truth you don’t want to hear.

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  • Erin

    Now this is the truth.

  • Court

    The very last line did it for me. It’s a quotable. You write great endings.

  • Ms. Riss

    Very Very true. Another enjoyable post, and like someone else said, you write great endings! When I’m reading and only see a few paragraphs left, I always say ” now here comes the good part ” and it’s always there.

  • Ednise

    Thank you for digging deep and sharing this with us

  • Lo

    Loved this. Every bit of it.

  • Jhug74

    That was amazing. I’ve enjoyed many of your posts but this is so deeply insightful. Just thank you.

  • LisaE31

    Phenomenal job. I think what resonated with me most, relative to my own habits, is this: “If she is guilty of anything it isn’t lying about her feelings, it’s not
    thinking about them thoroughly before she expresses them. She will get
    so caught up in moments of bliss, she will say what she is feeling right
    then and there.” I have to stop myself from saying things like this even now. Not simply because of the potential for my feelings to change, but also because the guys are sooo skeptical AND thrown off by too-soon or too-deep expressions of feelings/emotions. Thank you for this! Glad to know the other side of the coin.

  • Nat

    This is great. I’ve been Esile before. Other times I’ve been the one lied to. Such is life.