Your Heart Isn’t Broken Unless You’ve Done One of These Five Things
I always tell the story of the time my Pop told me the two side-effects of a broken heart.
I was in the third grade and the family just came back from a road trip to see Disney On Ice. On that trip, I was allowed to bring one friend, and I decided to bring Vera, the girl who I had a crush on. Turns out it was the right move, as Vera and I held hands in the car our entire commute. On the way back, we did the same. Back in those days, if you held hands for more than two hours, you two go together. These are facts in elementary school.
The family arrived home after dropping Vera off. I went into my room to change for bed when my Pop came in. He stood in the doorway and asked, “Did you have a good time?”
“Yes,” I said.
“I could tell,” he said teasingly.
I didn’t say anything, continuing my routine like I didn’t hear him. Third grade is so young to have any type of feelings for a girl that you don’t know if you’re embarrassed or worried you’re in trouble for doing something wrong.
“I’m just going to tell you this,” Pop said. “Love can hurt you too. When you get your heart broken this is what happens…”
I continued to act like I couldn’t hear him, avoiding eye contact and distracting myself by straightening up my room.
“Look at me,” he said.
I stopped what I was doing and looked at him. “This is what happens,” he said. “You can’t eat, you can’t sleep. That’s heartbreak.” Then, he repeated himself. “You can’t eat, you can’t sleep.”
As it turns out, Pop was right. I’ve not ate and not slept a few times in my life, the end result of love gone astray, and I’m grateful for his words, because everytime those feelings of not eating and not sleeping wash over me, I know things are or were real.
Should I ever have a son, I will repeat the lesson my Pop taught me, but I will also add five more signs that his heart is broken. For any man who has ever had a broken heart, read the list and ask yourself, have you suffered from any one of these things? If you can’t say you have, you can’t say your heart was broken. But if at least one thing on this list applies to you, Godspeed, my man. Things will get better.
YOUR SEXUAL FANTASIES ARE OF MAKING SWEET, SWEET LOVE TO HER
Ah, the power of imagination. We can go anywhere in our minds, as Louis CK once said, and often times we do. But heartbreak changes all that; makes our sexual fantasies go from P0rnhub to Skinemax. Usually when we treat ourselves, our fantasies are filled with multiple women, leather, and black lights. But fantasizing in the midst of our heartbreak is a totally different thing. We think about her, the woman we loved so much, and there’s no leather, just the softest of silks, rose petals, and baby oil. No black light either, just candles. It’s sad, really. We are in our minds, giving her a massage, thinking about foreplay, and fantasizing about kissing. Yeah, kissing.
YOU SEARCH FOR CLASSIC BREAK UP SCENES IN TELEVISION HISTORY
The reason break-up scenes are more believable in television than they are movies is because with most of our favorite shows, we’ve developed a relationship with the relationships from tuning in week after week. In a movie, most of the time a couple who breaks up in the middle of the film will get back together at the end of the film, and we only invested an hour of our time into them being together anyway. Television, we’ve invested seasons into the relationship, and thus, the breakups are way more significant. When we are going through our own breakup, it’s not enough to listen to all those sad, mopey records about heartbreak. That’s whatever. We go deeper into the media experience to cope, searching for scenes like these.
Corey and Topanga Break-Up
Martin and Gina break up
YOU LISTEN TO MUSIC OUTSIDE OF YOUR FAVORITE GENRE
I know people like to say, “I listen to all types of music.” Of course you do, but you also have your favorite genres; the style of music you prefer over most others. When heartbreak has a hold on us, you will listen to damn near any style of music so long as it is about what we’re feeling. If there’s a polka song about heartbreak, you throw it on your iPod in your “I’m Sad” playlist. Better example: I was never a huge Guns and Roses fan. And when I say that I mean, I don’t own any of their albums. But in 7th grade, when that one girl broke up with me, I had this song on repeat.
YOU TRY TO WRITE A POEM
Here’s two facts:
You wrote poetry in grade school.
You thought we were good at it.
Most of us eventually outgrow our love for poetry, but hindsight fools you into believing that at some point you were actually nice with your stanzas and sonnets. So what do you do? You tell yourself you’re going to write poetry to make yourself feel better. Like, you get out a piece of line paper and a pen and actually try to write something in cursive. Let me help you out here. The next time you get the urge to do this, title the poem, “WHAT AM I DOING?” because seriously dude, what are you doing?
ALL OF A SUDDEN YOU CAN DO 50 PUSHUPS
This applies to every man whether they’re in shape or not. I don’t know what it is or why it is, but I’m convinced it’s a medical fact that every time a man gets his heart broken his ability to do 50 pushups increases exponentially. Now, to be clear, for those who don’t know, 50 pushups is not easy. I do a lot of pushups, all different types, and getting to 50 still remains the bane of my existence. But if I got my heart broken, man, 50 pushups would feel like five pushups. I would go so far as to say to any man, use the 50 pushups as a test to see where your heart is at. If you really, seriously think your heart has been broken, get down on the floor and start those pushups. If 20 pushups feels like 200 pushups, get back up, go eat, and then go to sleep. Your heart isn’t broken. You’ll be fine.