Talk To Him Like A H*e
Today, I’m going to put you ladies onto some game your mothers might not have told you about. As a matter of fact, I’m pretty sure your mother told you to do the exact opposite of what I’m going to tell you to do and your father dreaded the day a guy like me would come along and kick you this knowledge. But most of you who read my blog are adult enough to take this advice and use it without worrying about disrespecting your parent’s legacy. At least I hope you are. If you’re the type of person who still refers to the work your teachers give you to do after school as “homework”; hell, if you’re still referring to your teachers as teachers and not professors, you might want to log off right now.
For the rest of you grown folks who are still here, let’s move onto today’s lesson. Peep game:
Ladies, every now and then, you need to talk to your man like a h*e. I have a neighbor who lives downstairs from me, older woman. At least once a week, whenever I see her, you know what she says to me? “Young man, if I was 20 years younger…”
That’s no way to talk to me, but then again, it is.
You’re either scoffing or rolling your eyes at this advice. If you’re doing either of these, I feel bad for your lack of imagination and unwillingness to learn new things. But if you just chuckled or rubbed your chin with curiousity, congratulations. You’re obviously into keeping your man.
Here’s the thing about h*e talk: It’s not the same as dirty talk.
Dirty talk is something entirely different and usually takes place during intercourse. Dirty talk is also sensitive. Say something too dirty and spend weeks and perhaps even the entire relationship trying to explain away that one night your mouth went unconscious.
H*e talk is a form of foreplay; your opportunity to get your man excited for what’s about to ensue. Unfortunately, too many women don’t understand how important this is.
Once a man has had sex with the same woman about seven times, science says we’re no longer solely responsible for getting excited about having sex with her. After the seventh time, it is now a shared responsibility between us and the woman. In other words, you women need to start being proactive in getting us going. H*e talk is a way to ensure that.
Also, ladies, this is your chance to feel empowered! Women always complain about double standards, you know why? Cause they don’t take advantage of theirs. Ladies, if we’re in a relationship with you, and you know we’re not going anywhere, why so formal? Every now and then you need to objectify your man, make him feel like the only thing he’s good for is what he has between his legs. You know why? Sometimes that’s the only thing we want to be good for! You ladies are always trying to make us feel special by giving us flowery phrases like, “I love you.” How about you make us feel like superheroes by giving us things like, “I love that…” you can fill in the blank with your preferred slang.
Especially if you have one of those guys who takes good care of himself. You may not realize this ladies, but you’re at least 50-75 percent of the reason he’s in the gym.
Take me for instance: One reason I started working out is because I got tired of being treated like a doughy Buddha. Nothing about my stature said, “Girl I just want to take him home to meet my bed.” Everything about me said, “I know my parents would like him.” So I get in shape, and guess what’s still happening? Women are out here treating me with the utmost respect!
Don’t do me any favors. I respect myself, I don’t need you to respect me too, at least not all the time.
Sometimes, when I get off work, ready to complain about the day I just had, I want a woman who says, “Baby, I really don’t want to hear about your bad day. Just f*ck me, then you can talk about it, and I’ll listen…if I don’t fall asleep.”
Or, if I hit you up as I’m about to leave work and I ask you, “What do you feel like eating tonight?” I need my woman to respond with the following: “Well, I don’t know what I’m eating yet, but I do know what you’re eating.”
The next time you feel like calling up to check on me do something like this: “I just called to see how you two are doing.” I’m going to be confused and probably say, “You two? Who are you talking about?” You respond with, “You and that…” you can fill in the blank with your preferred slang.*
Ladies, that’s h*e talk and that’s how us men need to be talked to sometimes. As most people will tell you, we’re pretty simple creatures, so when you talk to us in the most base way possible, you’d be surprised how far that goes. And last but not least, keep in mind, this is strictly for people in solid relationships, not one-offs. Don’t talk to me like a h*e if you don’t know my real name, okay? I can be a h*e but I’m your h*e. Don’t forget that.