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Dude, Help Her Move

My ex and I decided to throw a Hail Mary pass in one last effort to save our relationship from its nadir. Here was the strategy:

She would move out and get a place of her own.

Yeah, I know. Like most moves of desperation, it wasn’t smart, and too much, too late; a fact we knew, but didn’t want to admit. Even worse, it was one of those decisions that was mutually agreed upon initially, but no sooner was one box packed did we start pointing fingers at one another as to whose idea it was.

I could’ve sworn it was hers and so, the last thing I wanted to do was help her move her things out of my apartment. When in the history of cohabitation did one person’s moving out lead them back to the place from which they left? I knew it was a rare occurrence, and up until that point, nothing about our relationship defied odds. We were, like most couples who shack up before marriage, going to end up not getting married, in spite of the fact that was the plan all along. The only thing more bothersome than the massive weight our impending fate had on my mind was the heavy suitcases I had to lift to her place.

But I carried them anyway, and I made several trips with her to Ikea as well. The reason why? Even though I knew we weren’t going to make it, I wasn’t ready to give up completely and I knew even if helping her move wasn’t going to make everything better, NOT helping her move would have made everything worse.

Now I don’t know if by this time my ex was talking to another guy or not. I didn’t care to ask, but I acted on the assumption that she did. And I thought, There is no way in hell I am letting whatever random simp she has playing the friend role swoop in on my relationship vis a vis with the old, “I can help you move your things” move. Had I not helped her move, that is exactly what would happen, and frankly, that would be completely fair, whether or not we were still technically together.

Dude, if you don’t help your girl move – whether it’s your ex girl, girl you just met at the club who gave you her number, girlfriend of years, girl you really want to sleep with but haven’t had a chance yet, girl who treats you like you’re her brother even though you’re nothing like her brother and you wish she would stop saying that crap – she has a right to not only call up another guy for their help, she has the freedom to compensate him for his efforts in whichever way he pleases.

This is why you, Mr. Man, need to help your girl move.

Look, you don’t have to do much of anything you don’t want to do for your woman. I don’t hold a woman’s purse. I try not to let a woman sleep on the side of the bed closest to the door or an emergency exit. Sometimes, I don’t even let a woman have a seat on the subway if she’s not pregnant and showing. Because, you know, a man’s feet can hurt too. What about my long day? But I digress….

Helping a woman move is not any of those things I mentioned above, it’s a non-negotiable. This isn’t just an act of chivalry, it’s also one of the few opportunities you have to show off your strength without showing off. If the girl you’re helping move didn’t know how strong you are, she’s gonna learn on moving day. When she has one foot on a box and says, “Okay this one is heavy.” You say, nothing. Instead you leg sweep her foot off the box, get in the catcher’s position, put your fingers in the handle or hands underneath, lift and keep it moving all the way down to that Uhaul.

If there are items that no reasonable sized man such as yourself can actually lift, that is the opportunity to show her you are a thinker too. You remember everything from 5th grade science class about Newton’s Second Law and you’re about to demonstrate how to work with limited physical strength but an unlimited propensity for finding solutions.

Should she decide to call in reinforcements, whether it’s a male family member of hers or the other guy friend who acts like he is only a friend, move in day is your opportunity to show her you know how to get along with other men. More importantly don’t worry about the other guys she has helping out. Know YOUR role. She let you help her for a reason, dude, and if you think it was because she just needed an extra hand, I know a guy who can sell you dreams for cheaper than what you’re currently paying.

Think she’s sleeping on your overall man skills? Move-in day is your chance to wake her up.

This is a test, dude. If she is single, the day she knows she has to move is the day she begins recruiting guys so that she can save the cost of movers. She might not ask you to help her make the migration from her old spot to her new spot, but she will mention it to you ever so casually. Consider that her first pitch. If you don’t immediately open up your calendar and start entering the words “Move In Day” on the appropriate date, strike one. Two more and guess who she is calling?

Not you.

Ever.

This has happened to me, more times than I care to admit. They were moving, I knew they were moving, and I didn’t offer my help. Whether I had something scheduled that same day was null and void if said things in my schedule weren’t a wedding or a funeral. The fact is, any girl I have ever dated who was in the midst of moving never dated me after she moved if I didn’t help. Don’t be like me and learn that lesson the hard way.

If you care about the girl, you help her move; that is baseline, my dude. And if she cares about you and likes you even a little, she will accept your help. She doesn’t accept help from guys she doesn’t want to sleep with, that only makes things awkward for her. She doesn’t want to owe any man anything, so if she can’t get help from the guy she likes or the guy who likes her, she’ll just go with the official move-in company.

But if she likes you, and you like her, you lift those boxes, you load that truck, you push that dolly. For such efforts you will be rewarded handsomely. With what? I don’t know, but I’m sure it’s written in the law that it must come with a sandwich. And you like sandwiches right?

Right.

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  • Nubianone

    Lol, I love this. I wonder what the motivation was???

  • Sevin

    AWESOME!! ANNNNNND very true.

  • @Eclectically_P

    “She let you help her for a reason, dude.. I know a guy who can sell you dreams for cheaper than what you’re currently paying.”
    Ha! Yes! Nothing but truth right there.
    I instantly began to build my “mover’s roster” after reading this. No joke. Good stuff!

  • Sheena

    Yesss! this was the straw that broke the camels back in my “relationship”. He was a t the crib chilling while I was moving, yet I couldn’t ask another man because I was in a relationship. Welp, I fixed my problems. I ended that relationship. Glad you know Jozen because he is single looking crazy now continuously texting me!

  • Chardee

    Thanks Josen for dudes thinking they can something (namely the cookie lol or something close to it) for nothing. I think this rule applies to a lot of dynamics between men and women. We may not want to admit it but men are motivated by results or outcomes. Like if he’s taking a women to dinner he may expect something in return, maybe not the same night, but eventually. However, women, or at least the smart ones realize that men will do what they want to you if you let them.