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The Five Guys She Has In Her Life

December 4th, 2013 Leave a comment Go to comments

I have a friend who used to go up to every woman he was attracted to with the same hook, line, and sinker. He chatted her up with friendly conversation, maybe offered her a drink or danced with her for a couple of songs and then if things were going well, he hit her with the question, “So do you have a man?”

His success rate with this approach was a Major League Baseball average at best (for all you non sports fans, a great season for any player is when they hit over 30%). As well intended as his ask may have been, it failed to hit the mark more than it didn’t and I had to tell him why. He never listened because he was stubborn, but maybe one of you guys out there who is reading this will hear me out as to why it’s almost never a good idea to ask a woman if she is single.

As I think I have said before on this site (I don’t feel like looking it up to verify this), asking a woman if she is seeing someone gives her an easy out. If she isn’t single, she doesn’t want to be reminded of that at all. Even if she’s happily single, when has a woman ever said out loud, to a man, “No, I don’t have a boyfriend, thank God!”

Never.

I always assume a woman has a boyfriend, but I don’t let that stop me. If I want to confirm, I’ll ask one of her friends for the inside scoop, but I don’t ask myself for the reasons stated above and because, well, I just think it’s good to have a filter. Assuming she has a man is what enables me to approach in an assertive but non aggressive way, that way if some barrel-chested guy with a shirt that’s too small comes out of the bathroom, he won’t try to slam my head into the bar. I don’t want my head slammed into the bar.

But the other reason this question is a waste of your time (and hers) is because even if she isn’t single it doesn’t mean she’s available.

Every woman has a team of guys from whom she is getting attention. I know this because I have been on multiple teams, assigned to multiple positions. Never think you’re playing tennis with a woman unless she says love out loud. Until then, understand you’re playing a team sport, and you are one man against five. If you want to be the MVP in her life, you have to, in the words of Waka Flocka, go hard in the paint and cross up every one of these following five jokers before she ever lets you score.

The Best Friend Who Won’t Give Up aka The Underdog
The only thing this guy has going for him is his tenacity. He does just enough to solidify his spot on the team. She always needs him for something, whether it’s a shoulder to cry on or a guy’s opinion on things. She would marry this guy if it wasn’t for the fact that he once slept with one of her best friends or some other handicap. But in five or six years, that won’t matter and they can very well end up together so watch it. He has mastered the fine art of putting forth just enough effort to remain interesting and fun but suppressing emotional effort for the sake of the long term game.

The Father, Uncle, Grandfather, or Brother aka The Coaches
Not every strong, confident woman I have met has a close relationship with the men in her family, but every woman I have met with a close relationship to the men in her family is strong and confident. There is absolutely no getting rid of these guys, of course. Your best hope is to be drafted by her and incorporated into the team, but even then you have to earn your spot. Remember, Michelle Obama vetted Barack Obama’s husband material credentials by asking her brother to take him out to the court and see how he works. But even before your big meeting with the men in her family, she’s giving them a scouting report about you and they are judging the hell out of you. Some guys are more flexible than others, but they definitely will draw an opinion on the most skeleton of facts. You better hope they don’t dissuade your lady from drafting you because they can and they will. They may be wrong, but she’s not willing to prove that to them the hard way.

The One Who Got Away aka The Injury Prone Guy
Usually this kind of person is used to describe a woman that was in a man’s life, but women have these guys too. This is not to be confused with the ex (more on him later). They never had a relationship. Instead, this is a guy with whom she had a super strong connection, but nothing ever came of it due to circumstances beyond their control. For example: Distance. This guy was noble enough not to get into a long distance relationship with her, but he never quit her cold turkey, so he texts her from time to time thousands of miles away. While you’re in tryouts, you better hope the team he’s playing on doesn’t let him go or explore free agency and he starts eyeing her hometown. That could be a nearly impossible situation for you to overcome.

The Friend with Benefits aka The Human Highlight Reel
Look, this guy is good at one thing and one thing only. Slam dunks (if I need to be more clear here, you’re probably already a lost cause, dude). She doesn’t like him for anything but that one thing. She only calls him for that one thing. She doesn’t do it often, maybe when she’s bored, maybe when she’s tipsy, but trust me, when she’s in a particular type of bind, he gets a call. When she wants some excitement, he gets the pass. He’s not great at anything else. He can’t shoot from the outside, he’s too lazy to play any sort of defense, and you can forget him ever passing the ball to someone else. All he does is score in a way that few others can. But you can score too, right? Say, “Yes I can” because you can. This is the pros, baby! If you got this far, it means you have the potential to dunk too. So maybe one night she decides to alley you the ball instead of him. That’s when you better seize the opportunity like Billy Hoyle (spoiler alert!) in the final game.

The Ex aka The Former Franchise Player
There’s two types of exes in a woman’s life. The ones she talks to and the ones she doesn’t. Either way, these guys are two of your most formidable opponents, but I insist you don’t worry about them. I mean, they’re good for something, but never forget, they’re exes for a reason, and the biggest reason of them all is she knew (or he knew) they were never going to get a ring together. Don’t let her past dictate your future with her. Worry about improving your game and being better for her instead of being better than him, because the latter may still not be good enough.

Now go get ’em, champ!

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  • http://symphoniedoux-amere.tumblr.com/ Symphonie Doux-Amère

    If she did say, “No, I don’t have a boyfriend, thank God!”- she’d be pegged jaded, bitter or simply a man-hater. C’mon now, you know this :)

  • BHux

    The misogyny in this is painful.

  • Marie

    He’s a man writing for men. It’s also his opinion based on his experience. I think we can agree Jozen is not misogynistic.

  • Mr. SD

    This is pretty spot on. Although I never really worry about the other men in a chicks life..Maybe her dad but that’s it. The role her dad plays is the greatest and dictates the roles of the rest of the men in her life. Even if her dad was never around. I look to establish my own situation with a woman. I don’t have the time or energy to think about what role/position other dudes (or even myself) are in. Eff them! I’m #1 until I’m not. And then I exit.