Six Months Later, How I Feel Now
We have more time in front of us than we do behind us, but when our future comes, I want something to be on the public record that states how I felt after being with you for only six months.
When I realized I was in love with you, I told you I felt this way before. I know it wasn’t the most romantic thing to say, but sometimes we have to sacrifice the sweet talk for honesty. My larger point was, my feelings for others never stopped me from being self-destructive. I used to think if I loved a woman enough, I would change. As it turns out, that old saying about love not being enough is true. But eventually, change came from within, I changed on my own, so when you found me, I was ready in some ways.
I was ready to say I love you when I did because I was sure. I was ready to tell my mother about you when I did because I was sure. I was ready to bring you around my friends because I was sure. I was ready to be public about you to those who follow me because I was sure.
What was I so sure about? It wasn’t only your love for me, but your faith in me too.
The faith you have in who I am now and who I want to become was honestly foreign to me before we met. I knew people who supported my dreams, but I don’t know if they believe in them like I do. I wouldn’t call these people haters; doubters is a more appropriate term, and I am guilty for listening to them more often than I should.
The problem is, the sound of doubt exists inside my head as well. It can become so loud, it wakes me up out of my sleep. I never knew how to quiet the doubt down, never knew how to tune it out or ignore it. Instead, I would just argue with that voice, which is a fool’s errand, but I couldn’t help myself. I would tell the voice it was wrong about me. The goals I was setting out to accomplish, however large, were going to be achieved. “Watch,” I would tell those voices. “You’re going to see how wrong you are.”
But, I’ve been saying “Watch, you’re going to see how wrong you are,” since high school, and at 32, I was no longer some frustrated senior who was going away to college with dreams of changing the world. I’m a full-fledged adult existing in the world as most of us do. Operating with such a chip on my shoulder felt not only uncomfortable but sad. In this regard, I wasn’t ready for you.
Before you came along, there were certain things that were supposed to be done in my life. I was supposed to have released my first book, and you’re here as it’s still a proposal I need to tighten up before shipping it out to publishing houses. I was supposed to get my money right, and you’re here, watching me try and get out of debt, and living paycheck to paycheck. Meanwhile, other things keep coming up that I want to pursue like that trivia night I started back in January.
The list of things I want to do grows faster, while the things I need to get done dwindles down at a snails pace. You know I am restless and ambitious, a very toxic combination that has lead to a great amount of anxiety in my life. Sometimes, when I’m telling you about some crazy idea I have, you even have to tell me to quiet down, because I get so excited and loud. When I get frustrated over what needs to get done, you tell me to keep calm, because I get cranky. Then, when I come down from my creativity high, or I knock something off my check list, you stare at me, smile, and whether you say a word or not, it’s quiet for my anxiety and the doubters.
In the last six months, you have done the impossible: You have shown me something greater than love, you have shown me faith. It used to be reserved for God alone, but you have taught me how to set aside some for myself, and believe that I can become as great as I want to be. Those voices in my head, the doubters, I know they’re still around. They linger, but they have been overshadowed by your presence, and drowned out by your voice. It is because of you, I don’t care about proving anyone wrong who doubts me, I just want to prove you right.
Thank you for the love and the faith.