What’s Good, Jozen? Dating Single Mothers and Critiquing Your Woman’s Style
After my last post, I realized there would be no way for me to republish every single Ask.FM question I get. The volume is just too much, and frankly, I don’t think every question is worth rehashing on here.
What I have decided to do is select a few questions, something around 10, and put them in each batch. These are questions that I feel were the best one for no specific reason. Maybe I liked the question, maybe I liked my answer. Whatever it was, I realized after the last post that I might want to be discerning in my approach to sharing all the questions and answers I get. Here’s hoping you all like this batch of questions as much as you like the last one.
I’m a man just shy of 25 and starting MBA school next week. I have yet to have a serious girlfriend. I had one for six months. Most people either think I’m gay or friend material. I need help!? What can i do?
When we talk about “serious” relationships, we all have a different way of measuring that. You mention a six month relationship, which implies you qualify a serious relationship by amount time spent. Don’t be deductive. Serious relationships need not be long to be important. If you think about your dating experiences up until this point, you might find some women, even if they weren’t given the title of a girlfriend, mattered.
Recalibrate your definition of a serious relationship. You say you want a serious girlfriend, but serious girlfriends are serious business. They take a lot of time and work to find. You may not be as ready for that as you think. Your heart is in the right place, but it is not bound there with cement. Relationships are more than just you liking a girl and her liking you back, and even when that’s the case, it doesn’t mean you two should be together forever. Maybe you two are meant to be for only one night or one week.
Now that doesn’t mean go out there and start trying to be mack of the year. That window of time where it was acceptable for you to go from Steve Urkel to Stephan Urkel is closed. You’re 25-years-old, still young , but too old to go around life trying to be THE man. At your age, concentrate on being your own man, and comfortable in your own skin.
Keep that in mind the next time you feel like someone assumes you’re gay or you’re friend material. People have assumed I was gay. That’s what happens when you wear clothes that fit, you have nice eyebrows, and you’re more prone to smile than scowl. Whatever it is, I never pay it any mind. If people want to assume your gay, that’s not an insult and it’s no reason to be down on yourself. I’m not saying it’s a compliment, just saying it should not be a prompt that you need to change something about yourself. I think Beyonce’s 7/11 song is flames. You think I’m about to not turn-up to it when it comes on because people will assume I’m gay? Fuck that.
Of course, I understand how the assumption that you’re gay might play into why you’re in the
friend zone so often. But my friend, you must understand, the friend zone is not the dead zone. So what she didn’t you give the starting quarterback position, and instead made you the field goal kicker. FIELD GOAL KICKERS WIN GAMES TOO, PLAYBOY! What I’m trying to say is, as long as a woman keeps you in her life, anything is possible with her. And even if it’s not with her, your woman friends can help you get more women. When I was single, I loved hanging out with women platonically because it helped me meet other women, not platonically.
Appreciate the man that you are and embrace the man that you’re becoming. but don’t do this dependent on a a woman. No woman wants a guy the ladies love, they want a guy who loves himself on his own. If you can find a way to do that, it will attract many women, but more importantly, it will attract the woman you’re seeking.
Ex and I have a kid and lived together. Broke up a few months ago bc he cheated. Now he’s engaged to a prev ex, but she’s not the only one he was cheating on me with. The wedding is in a few weeks (seems rushed) Why do guys do stuff like this? Can he really be ready for marriage?
I’m sorry you’re going through all of this and for the impending complications that are sure to ensue. The first thing I am going to say, and I assume you might know this already, but whatever you do, do not let the complicated matters between you and your ex confuse of affect your child.
Now let’s address both of your questions in the context of your situation. You seem to be really hung up on how quickly he’s moving on, but the issues you have, while valid (because feelings), are slightly misguided. You need to be more concerned with the woman he’s about to marry for the sake of your child and see to it that she is in some way or another, fit to be a stepmother to your kid. These are things hopefully he has considered too, and you’re well within the bounds to press him on it if you haven’t done so already.
What is not your concern is why he has moved on so quickly and how he’s doing so. It is rushed, it is quick, and I want to say it doesn’t sound like the wisest thing he should be doing right now, but it’s not your problem. It’s his and the ex he’s marrying. If there are any consequences to come of this, they’re going to have to deal with it, not you. You’re not marrying him, so what does it matter if he’s ready or not?
As for your generalization that guys do this, just understand women do this too. After breaking up with a woman I would consider my most significant ex, she fell in love with another man and was pregnant by him about a year after we broke up. That was quick!
Everyone moves on, some quicker than others, and some farther than us. I hope you are more concerned with doing the same. You don’t have to rush to the altar, but don’t let it bother you that your ex is. Just keep moving forward in YOUR direction.
Thx for your response. I have considered whether or not she is fit to be a stepmother. I hate the thought of that, but I can’t do anything about it. How can I figure that out, she’s going to be one regardless? If I say she isn’t fit, it means nothing. I’ve asked to meet her, and he’s refused.
He might be refusing because he thinks that you’re going to be down on her no matter what. You have to have a cool head and get him to really understand that you’re not asking to meet her for selfish reasons. This is about your child. Tell him to put himself in your shoes: If you were about to marry a man, wouldn’t he want to at least meet your child’s future stepfather just so he can be more comfortable with the other man his child is going to be around?
Tell him this isn’t about her meeting your approval, because let’s be real: There’s no way you can get a sense of whether or not she’s a fit stepmother based on one meeting. You just want to meet this woman and get a feel for her. Hopefully, he will understand.
I took a girl I’ve been dating a couple months on a group date w/my boys and their girls. Found myself looking at my boys’ girls not bc they look better looks wise, but they’re dressed better-sexier. I’m attracted to this girl, but think she’s a little frumpy.Can I make suggest w/o hurting feelings? Trying to avoid the slippery slope of her thinking I like them or that I’m not attracted to her. Should I just let it go?
You can make suggestions without hurting her feelings. You just have to be smooth about it, which means, no suggestion you make should be done through a comparison of what the other women at your table are wearing. Don’t make her feel like she needs to look as good as other women (except if they’re on television, more on this later), but empower her to look as good as she possibly can for herself and for you.
It is a source of pride for any of us when we look good to our significant other, so she should be more than open to hearing what you like. You say you two have been dating for only a couple of months, which means right now, you haven’t put in enough time to tell her she can’t wear this or that. That might be a little bit too real too soon, but if your woman has chosen an outfit and is looking like a bag of money, you better let her know it. You need to make her feel good in the outfits she wears when she nails it, because I always say, our favorite outfits usually are the ones that get us the most flattering compliments or the ones our partner likes the most. The praise will stay with her, and it will also allow you to suggest that outfit the next time you’re going out.
Whenever I see my woman struggling with figuring out what to wear, I’ll make a suggestion. Of course, most of the time, my suggestion is something I like on her. I’m not out here like Tim Gunn or anything, but I know her wardrobe, and I have my favorites. Those are the ones I suggest. If she’s skeptical or thinks it’s too much, I playfully tell her there’s no such thing and then I tell her she looks beautiful or fantastic or great.
You also can use other moments to make suggestions. Let’s say you two are watching a television show and you see some fly woman on the screen rocking something that catches your eye. If you think your woman would look good in it, just casually say, “You can pull that dress off” or “You’d look way better in that than she does.” If your woman isn’t insecure, she might make a mental note.
Last but not least, if you want your woman to stunt on the haters, you gotta make sure you’re matching her commitment. Personally, I hate when a woman is dressed to the nines and her dude is dressed to the nah. If she’s wearing a dress, I’m not wearing a fitted. If I’m rocking a hoodie, I can’t expect for her to be wearing a form-fitting sweater. So just keep that in mind the next time you two are about to step out on the town. If she sees you looking red carpet fresh, she’s gonna want to look ready for the step and repeat too.
If one doesn’t know/isn’t sure what his or her passion is, would you recommend just taking any opportunity and going with the flow until that passion is found? What do you recommend?
I would recommend you make a lot of money and use that money to fuel whatever passions you have. I know this may not seem like it makes sense, but here’s what I have discovered after ten years of making a living doing what I am most passionate about.
A job is a job.
A job is not a barbecue with your best friends.
A job is not a beach vacation with your lover.
A job is not a trip home to see your family.
Your job is a means to make money so you can experience things like these. Even if you’re one of the lucky people to find a job in an industry you love, even if you find a way to make a career doing what you love, don’t ever think that in itself, is a sufficient reward. Your passion still requires work to be done, and very rarely have I wanted to do that more than say be with my girl, at a bar, drinking top shelf cocktails with not a care in the world as to how much that costs.
I am very lucky to be doing what I love, but I also work everyday doing it. Passion is fluid. You should pursue opportunities that set you up for better ones in the future, because you will find life introducing you to many passions, and hopefully when they come, you will have the freedom to pursue them.
At what age do men have to grow up and become responsible, accountable for their actions, and commit to purpose driven living–or risk a life of unfulfilled fraudulence?
You shouldn’t paint men with such a wide brush, but since you did, let me try to answer your question:
I don’t want to assume you’re a woman or a man, but I will assume you have chosen to ask me this question because I am a man. I am also going to assume you know that women of a certain age struggle with all of these things too, that none of these issues in your question are exclusive to one gender.
That being said, most men are doing these things in some area of their life. Some men are being responsible, holding themselves accountable, and living with purpose in their personal life. Other men are applying these traits and taking these actions in their professional life. These things take time to develop and apply to every facet of life, and the scariest thought is, some people become never become responsible, learn the virtue of accountability, or figure out their purpose in life and follow it.
None of these things are conducive to age, so if you’re wondering why a guy who is, let’s say, 27, hasn’t quite figured out how to line up responsibility, accountability, and purpose-driven living in a row on the rubik’s cube of life, it’s because they haven’t been through the shit that will show them how important those virtues are. As the great philosopher Aaliyah once sang, age ain’t nothin but a number.
Men and cheating. Are there men that you know that are truly loving, nice, caring, respectful and don’t cheat? I’m starting to lose my hope. Every relationship I’ve been in, I’ve experienced some form of cheating from the guy. Does the blame lay on the woman? How can I avoid a cheating guy?
To your first question, yes. I know men who don’t cheat and some of them don’t have the desire to at all. Some do but decide not to because they know from past experiences the risk isn’t worth the reward, or rather, there is no reward at all for the risk taken.
The sad thing is, even truly loving, nice, caring, respectful men cheat. I know a lot of people won’t agree with me when I say this, but I don’t believe a man who cheats is the scum of the earth. Yes, their actions are harmful and can cause emotional damage, but good men can mess up. In my last signifiant relationship, I didn’t wait to get caught cheating, I outed myself. The backlash was strong and swift, and I had zero confidence that I could ever be in a relationship again. To me, saying I was a bad man for what I did made me feel, in a weird way, more noble. At least I knew the type of guy I was.
What I didn’t realize was that brainwashing myself into thinking I wasn’t a good guy was making me become a bad guy. I believed I was wired a certain way, a way that would always make me want to cheat, therefore, I wasn’t a guy who deserved a relationship. But even in my no-strings-attached arrangements I saw myself still hurting women in some way or another.
Maybe it was when I became unemployed, maybe it was the death of my father, but there a came a point where I realized life can get really hard sometimes, and it sucks when you have to go through it alone. I didn’t want that for myself, so I decided to be more open to the idea of being in a relationship, but first I had to believe that I was worthy of it.
That’s important for you to know because I don’t want you to blame yourself for any man who has cheated on you. This is not to say you’re not responsible on some level, but I have a feeling you don’t believe that you are, so I won’t go there. I’m just saying, you really can’t stop an adult, man or woman, from doing what they want to do. The best you can hope for is that someone looks at you and sees someone who is too good to lose. If they end up doing it anyway, they lost sight of what is important to them, and unfortunately there’s nothing you can do about that.
Have you ever felt lost in your career? What did you do?
Yes, I have felt lost a lot in my career and I have tried many different things to help me navigate those times.
Lately, I have talked to others in my field, people who do what I do. I’m not talking about coworkers, I’m talking about colleagues and associates who are at other companies. These conversations have really helped me see that everyone is dealing with something in their career. Maybe they’re not lost, but most of us are trying to figure out some aspect of the game, and that can be comforting. Sometimes you see other people and think they have it all worked out, but those people are rare, and that feeling is not permanent. Even when folks are in a good place, they will eventually be curious to see if they can find a better place.
The other thing I have done whenever I feel my career frustrations overwhelming me is instead of working harder, I’ve been deliberate about relaxing. Stress doesn’t motivate me. We all need to take a step back sometimes and recharge our batteries. Consider taking a greater interest in things outside of your career in order to clear your head. Even if you still feel lost, you will at least have the mental energy to figure things out.
I am a guy who tends to overthink and becomes bewildered during the process of deciding whether to speak to a girl. It just seems that I imagine every reason not to go talk to her. Any tips or lines that can help that?
Man, I’ve always been the type to overthink before I approach a woman. The way you are describes exactly how I was when I met my girlfriend. All I wanted to do was say hi, and it took me a good half hour before I finally got up the nerve to say that much. What allowed me to make my move, so to speak, was positioning. I posted myself at the table of refreshments and when she came over I had a reason to speak. The other thing that helped was it was at a Halloween party, and since we both were dressed up, it was easy to spark a conversation about our costumes.
My tip to you is to use the environment to your advantage. If you see a woman at a bar and she’s watching the game, casually ask her if she’s rooting for anyone. Even if you’re at a club, you can ask her if there’s a special occasion bringing her out that night. (Sidebar: If she says it’s her birthday or her BFF’s birthday, considering buying a birthday drink. It’s a strong move). A house party, you can ask her how she knows the host. One line I used to say to a woman when I was really at a loss for words would be in regards to whatever she was wearing. I’d compliment it and then ask her if what she was wearing was her first choice. Another thing to consider is once you get her name, ask her what the story is behind that name. Everyone has a story about their name. Basically, when you initiate the conversation, convey a sense of interest in her story.
The most important thing for you to keep in mind is that rejection doesn’t hurt. The worst a woman can do is say no or decline, but you can’t internalize those moments because there could be a ton of reasons she’s not interested. If that happens tell yourself what I used to say to myself, “She must have a boyfriend.”
I date single moms all the time. It’s so easy. All I gotta do is treat them better than their baby daddies do. Some folk on twitter say I’m taking advantage of those women, but the way I look at it is I found my niche. What do you think?
There’s so much wrong in your question that I don’t even know where to begin.
You’re not as smart about this as you want to believe, pimp. You’re treating single mothers like they’re some sort of sub-culture, which, c’mon fam. I was always open to dating all women much like you seem to be. That included single mothers. But at no point was I doing that because it seemed easier. They were women that I liked who just so happened to have a child. It was never a dating ponzi scheme.
But, since you have attached some harebrained ethos to your dating preference, let’s talk about this idea of treatment you have created in your head. Treating a single mother better than her baby’s father is not just the least you can do, it’s less than that. The bar for treatment of any woman, with child or not, should be as high as you can possibly make it for yourself. Stop assuming that the person who hurt her most or mattered most in her life is her baby’s father. The reality could be some of her deepest, most life-changing relationships were not with him. You need to be better than all the men who came before you, not just the father of her child. That is of course if you actually care about not meeting the same fate as those men, and judging from this question, I doubt that.
Something about your question tells me that these days you’re only dating for sport. That’s perfectly fine, but you can do that without making the type of women you like to date feel like you’re doing them a favor. No one would say you’re wrong for being willing and even preferring to date single mothers. The issue is, you think when a woman has a baby and ends up single, she’s lowered her standards, and what’s even more sad is, you have somehow convinced yourself that you are this lower rung of man she is seeking.
People that tell you you’re taking advantage of single mothers may be right, but for the wrong reasons. Any time you try to put your dating preferences on a pedestal as a way to make yourself look like a hero, you look like a clown. Some women may not see the jig, so in that sense, you’ve successfully made yourself out to be this noble guy when really you’re being selfish as fuck. You’re like the white person who wants black friends to show they’re not racist. If you want to date a single mother, do it for the same reasons you would date a woman who doesn’t have a child: You dig her company, she turns you on, and you enjoy being with her more than anyone else.
You think you’re the only guy in the world who is willing to date a single mother, Christopher Columbus? You’re not. Plenty of men don’t care that a woman they’re dating has a child, but the smart ones know better than to act like this is a niche that’s easy to exploit. That’s the ironic thing. Smart men know that dating women, whether they’re single mothers or not, is never easy.
Wow. Ok. Thx for taking my question. I didn’t expect you’d call me a dumb, selfish clown, but the way you break it down… Ugh. I don’t know what to say. I’m gonna think all of this over for a bit.
Just be a little bit more thoughtful, man and try really hard not to put any woman you date in a box. Women hate feeling like they’re a part of some agenda and I too had to learn this the hard way. I was dating one woman who I really liked, not a single mother, but older than me. The minute I told her I have always been into older women, she stopped messing with me because I made her feel old.
Try to appreciate a woman for who she is as an individual without putting her in a box.