Until I Get Married

For those not familiar with the name Hannibal Buress, allow me to run down some of his resume:

Writer for “30 Rock” and “Saturday Night Live”
Stand-up comedian, most recently on tour with Aziz Ansari
Winner of the 2012 Comedy Award for Best Club Comedian
One of Chris Rock’s favorite comedians
Mortal enemy of Young Jeezy

If you’re still not impressed, you’re probably a hater. Or maybe you need a little more than accolades and my tasteful cosign before you believe he’s funny. Well, pay attention this Sunday when Buress’s 1-hour stand-up special, “Hannibal Buress: Animal Furnace” premiers on Comedy Central at 11 p.m.. Then, after the special, change the channel to Adult Swim at 12:30 a.m. to see Buress as a co-host on the premier of “The Eric Andre Show,”, which is sure to be the weirdest late night talk show on television.

Long time readers may remember an interview I did with Kevin Hart back in 2010. Seeing as Buress is on the cusp of blowing up like Hart did and because I’ve been a fan of Buress since last year, I had to reach out to see if he would agree to an interview. With the help of my good friend Damien Lemon (another very funny comedian you may have seen on MTV’s “Guy Code”), Buress and I were able to break bread yesterday over the phone.

Here is a condensed version of our conversation in which we talk about a bunch of stuff, including Scarlett Johansson. Even if you’re up on Hannibal, this isn’t like those other interviews you may have read with him where we talk about comedy. I mean, we do, but…Just check it out and BE SURE TO SET YOUR DVRs or tune in on Sunday to watch Buress do his thing, twice.

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You think being unfaithful can only happen when you either sleep with someone else or you develop feelings for someone else.

You’re wrong.

There’s all sorts of ways you’re unfaithful and you don’t even know it, so allow me to break it down for you.

You went to our favorite restaurant without me to order that soup we both love and you didn’t even tell me.

I was out of town and you watched our favorite show by yourself, then you proceeded to tweet about it in real time knowing good and well I stalk your Twitter.

I sent you a link to a funny post and you told me you received the same link from someone else earlier that day.

I found another toy, one you never told me about.

You watch adult films on the Internet and none of those people look like me.

The first time I saw Gregory Porter was in 2010, at a sparsely attended show he put on at Drom. The sight of a young jazz vocalist in this day and age is about as common as seeing a unicorn, so even without hearing his debut, Water, which also came out in 2010 and was nominated for a Grammy for Best Jazz Vocal, I bought a ticket.

Overall, the show was impressive. Porter had not only the voice but the jazz IQ to make me an instant fan, but there was one song that hit me from the very first notes Porter sang and that song was “Be Good.” Months later, when I caught him live at The Blue Note, I prayed he perform the song again as it had not yet been recorded or released on record. Thankfully, he did.

“Be Good” is also the title of Porter’s new album, which came out this year on Valentine’s Day. Even after the countless listenings I still don’t know what the song is about. I’ve gathered that it speaks to the way some women have a hold on us, but I’d love to hear what interpretations you all my have about the song.

(When watching, try to focus on the song and not that peculiar tuxedo shirt Porter is wearing)

Also, for those interested, today I made my debut for one of my favorite sites, ThoughtCatalog.com. Click here to check out, “Quit Asking Me To Watch Your Computer.”

For the next four weeks, I will be writing three posts a week over at The Loop 21. Those not familiar with the site can go here.

My work will appear in their relationship column entitled, “bitterSweet,” usually authored by my friend Norelle Giancana. She along with my editor Ayana Byrd have asked me to do the thing I do here, over there, and I happily obliged.

Now that we have the formalities aside, some excerpts with links to my first two entries for The Loop 21. Enjoy and if you want to comment, I encourage you to do so there.

In the past, arguments like the ones we had would have led me straight to another woman’s arms. The uneasiness caused by the fight could be soothed by someone else. Now, after this argument, I found myself wanting to handle things a different way. I just wanted to go home and be by myself — From”Too Tired To Cheat”

…your fantasy became a reality, but you were so blind, so insatiable, you didn’t even realize you were being a ho and, what’s even more sad is that you didn’t realize how bad it made you look. — From “Don’t Be A Ho, Be A Man”

Consider yourself lucky if you ever get a chance to see them give you the look. It’s going to stay with you forever and whether or not you two stay together, it’s a look you’ll never forget.

Describing the look is difficult, like describing a view only we saw. When we’re describing it to others, we’re not really talking about what we saw so much as what we felt when we saw it. To call it beautiful is to do the look a disservice. It was more than beautiful, it was….well, let’s not even bother trying to describe it, because again, it isn’t possible to do so.

But what it’s like is p0rn, that is to say, you know the look when you see the look. You never seek it out, you’re never staring at the person you love in search of it. When you see it, it will be by accident. They won’t mean to show it to you, they won’t even mean to give it to you because it’s not a face they are trying to make. The mechanics to give the look come from these feelings we have within us. Those feelings get so overwhelming, they eventually surface, all over our face, and that’s when the look reveals itself.

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Right now, the number three most emailed article from the New York Times is a piece entitled “Why Black Women Are Fat” (stay classy, New York Times), written by a woman named Alice Randall who is a writer-in-residence at Vanderbilt University.

That last tidbit of information shocked me if only because I know people who went to Vanderbilt, and a lot of them are smart; it’s reputation is why some people have called it the “Ivy League of the South.” And yet, Randall’s article is one of the flimsiest pieces I have read about the obesity issue amongst black women and the way it relates to men.

As recently as last week, I discussed this issue. WPIX Morning News brought me on their show to talk about it, and I wrote a post to support my appearance and flesh out my thoughts on dating women with curves. My goal was to somewhat dispel of the myth that because I like black women I like big women or, to flip it, because I like thick women, I like black women. It’s true I prefer my women tall, and have a deep appreciation for tall women with curves. I have gone crazy over a size 12 and I’m not ashamed to admit it.

But as I said in last week’s post, no matter what size a woman is, what matters most is the way she carries her size.

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If there is one thing I believe every woman wants in a man, it’s an ability to make her feel safe.

We don’t have to be the most towering or hulking figure, nor do we have to be the most decorated martial artist or a former Navy seal. I mean, those things would definitely work in our favor and make our woman feels like she lucked up on some 2-for-1 deal with a boyfriend and a bodyguard, but what’s more important is perception. She just wants us to make her feel safer when we’re around.

As I get older, I’ve become more and more hip to this idea.

No one is more aware of the large presence I don’t impose on others than I. Here’s what I’m coming with.

Height: 6’0
Weight: 175
Complexion: Light
Default face: Happy
Occupation: Writer
Hobbies: Watching Top Chef
Secret Talent: Knows how to play “Endless Love” on the piano

Now tell me, does any of that sound like a wrestler?

I have a 1-0 record in street fights, but I’m pretty sure records from middle school were exempt when I turned 18. I mean, I did go to a public middle school, so maybe I get points for street cred, but still, who am I kidding?

I’m not a fighter, but women continue to date me because not being a fighter is not the same as being willing to fight. I place a high value on making a woman feel safe. I’m like Kevin Costner in The Bodyguard. My woman knows before I let anything happen to her, I will let something happen to me.

Women appreciate men who have this attitude, but I always tell them don’t mistake a man’s willingness to make his woman feel safe for his ability to do so; and if she can ever stop her man from fighting in front of her, she should do so at all cost.

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This morning, I had the privilege of appearing on WPIX Morning News, a New York City-based news show that airs on the NYC CW affiliate. I appeared alongside Steve Covino and Rich Davis, hosts of the popular Covino & Rich Show on SiriusXM Radio.

That's yours truly in the middle

Our purpose: To discuss if race plays a role men’s preference for women. Since the segment was a part of a week-long feature WPIX Morning News is doing on women and their body types, there was an attempt to connect a man’s racial preference with his preference in body type.

To put the question bluntly: Do black and Latino men like girls with curves, and do white men like women without curves?

Since the segment was live and extremely brief, I only was able to say a few words, so I wanted to expand on the topic here. But before you read on, here is a link to watch the segment yourself.

WATCH: Jozen on WPIX Morning News

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Remember when the past was the present and how we would talk about the future?

In those moments, we discussed everything: Me. You. Who would be invited to see me and you as we prepared to live life together as one.

We talked a lot about those times, with no hint of uncertainty. Somehow we knew, or rather, we felt like with the exception of the bare ring fingers we had at the moment, our future would look no different than our present.

To be fair, it was me who spoke the most of what we could be, of what I wanted us to be. You have to understand, at the moment I said anything to you, it was coming from a sincere place. I could have been strapped into a lie detector test, and the results would have showed, I never lied. I meant it when I said I could see us getting married. I meant it when I said I could live anywhere in the world with you. I meant it when I said my mother is going to love you when she meets you.

But we’re not together anymore, so getting married seems impossible. We never moved, and my mother only asks when is the last time I talked to you.

And now you think I lied to you back then; all those things I said were just things I said because they sounded good and were fun to say.

You could not be more wrong.

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Let’s unpack some myths and facts before we get into it.

MYTH: All women want to be in a relationship.

FACT: Not all women want to be in a relationship.

MYTH: Women who don’t want to be in a relationship are not worth dating.

FACT: The best woman to take out on a date is the woman who is not searching for a relationship.

I know it may seem like a backwards idea, dating a woman who doesn’t want to be in a relationship, who isn’t hoping for a boyfriend and thinks she has no room in her life for one. If you’re one of those guys who actually wants to be in a relationship, who feels ready for a girlfriend, this idea may seem even more nonsensical. Because if you’re looking for a serious relationship with a woman, why not go for the woman who is looking to be in a serious relationship with a man?

The answer is simple: The woman who is looking for a boyfriend has an agenda.

A woman who plans her love life like she plans her weekend is a scary thing, not because commitment is scary, but because she is allowing her head to captain a journey her heart should be steering. Should I get into a relationship with this type of woman, I’m not her man so much as I’m some character in this fairy tale life she is writing every single day.

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