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Archive for the ‘cheating’ Category

What A Man Might Do When His Woman Stops Laughing

September 23rd, 2010 24 comments

I don’t think all men cheat. I used to, as recently as a couple of months ago as a matter of fact, but then I woke up and realized all that was a belief. I had no actual proof all men cheated. Why would I believe such a thing? I could easily believe something different. So I did.

These days, I don’t put the act of cheating beyond any man, but I don’t automatically think a man will cheat. I do think men have it in them to do so. And if they ever do, I know exactly the type of woman with whom he’ll do it. Now before I reveal her, understand, this is a theory I have. Just a theory. I don’t know if this is true or not, but I do know a thing or two about cheating, seeing as I’ve done it once or twice in my life. I say that with no pride in my heart, just stating the facts.

But who knows? I could still have no idea whether or not any of this is true. Like I said, it’s just a theory, but I’ll give it a shot anyway.

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Let A Man Do What He Has To Do

September 15th, 2010 45 comments

In the years since I graduated from Howard University, I have only missed homecoming once. That was in 2007. Anytime I bring this up, a person (always a woman) ask me why, and I tell them I was in a relationship. They ask me why I let that stop me, I say, “Well, I wasn’t going to bring her and I for damn sure wasn’t going to go by myself because that would be trouble.” They ask me why would it be trouble.

Months prior to homecoming, that same year, one of my best friends was living in London and insisted all of us, my whole crew, come out to visit. I was, of course, in a relationship with my ex at the time and I told her about the invite but I told her I wasn’t going. She asked me why. I said it wouldn’t be good for me to go. She asked me why again. I said I have a thing for black women with English accents. She asked what’s that have to do with anything. I said well if I meet a black girl with an English accent, I’m going to get in trouble. She asked me why I would get in trouble.

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It’s A Facebook Relationship Status Update, Not A Baby

June 28th, 2010 49 comments

Okay folks, I know I’m a little behind today, and I’m sorry for the delay, but I’m a busy man over here. I have ESSENCE FESTIVAL coming up in three days, so office time is limited and therefore, extremely important.

Still, I have a lunch break today, so let me go in on this particular thing I’m starting to see people do on Facebook that is getting on my last nerve. It’s not so much the people who are doing it so much as it is the reaction to the people who are doing it. So yeah, those people, whoever you are, pay attention. I have something to tell you.

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900 Words On The Problem

June 7th, 2010 59 comments

Anyone who knows me in real life, knows the lists of turn-offs I come up with and the complaints I voice about women are not actual grounds for checking her off my list. I’m flexible. So what if a fine woman enjoys spitting hard core rap lyrics, eats a Chipotle burrito, or always puts LOL in her FB status messages? If I dig her, I dig her. She’s not coming off the list just because of something so trivial, I just like to discuss the little things because we don’t discuss details enough.

So what’s the problem? If I’m not as picky as it seems, why can’t I settle on one woman?

Today, I answer this question with a bold, sweeping theory that may or may not surprise some, but hopefully will clear things up for others. This is my line of logic as to why it’s hard for men to settle down. It goes with me to the grave.

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Divorce and Marriage, That Stuff Doesn’t Rub Off

May 6th, 2010 26 comments

I always joke that I come from a proud tradition of divorce. It’s kind of my way of laughing at what is honestly a very painful part of my personal history.

Even before I was born, members of my family were getting divorced. My grandparents are divorced. My mom and dad are divorced. My uncles got divorces.

For better or worse, the loving, broken home, is not an exception in my family, but the norm. So the question is, what’s that mean for me?

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Why I Can’t Stand Married Men Who Cheat

May 5th, 2010 33 comments

Before I jump into this subject, I want to make it perfectly clear that none of what I am about to write is for the ladies.

This is not for the females who have been hurt by a cheating boyfriend or husband. This is not about how I used to cheat, later realized it was wrong, and went on a journey in search of self discipline and the ability to make good decisions. Today’s post is about none of that and kind of, sort of, not for women, though I would never say they should not read. I just want it to be clear, today I’m not talking to them, and I’m not really talking about me, but since we are talking about cheating, let me get this much out of the way:

Yes, I have cheated before and yes I have been caught before, so I know a little something about the bad and ugly of infidelity (there is no good). But this isn’t about me. This is about the married men who cheat and why I have absolutely no respect for them.

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When I Tell Her I Have Cheated

April 27th, 2010 49 comments

Eventually, the question always comes up. Have I ever cheated? And I always give the same answer: Yes.

Then, from there, the follow-up questions breaks off into one of two directions. Either she wants to know more about the times I cheated or she wants to know why I cheated. To both questions, I try my best to answer without over-explaining, but rarely do I ever avoid falling into such a trap. Because I’m a natural talker, I always end up giving the who, what, where, when and whys of what happened. And usually that is when suspicion begins to creep into the mind of the woman who asked me the question.

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Shaky Relationship Advice Part 2

December 9th, 2009 23 comments

As I said in my first installment of “Shaky Relationship Advice“, I really don’t know if any of this stuff works. All I know is that it worked for me at some point or another.

That being said, I really, really have no idea whether or not the advice I’m about to give today has ever worked or will ever work. It’s in regards to cheating, specifically, how a woman can keep her man from cheating if she is ever worried about such a thing.

Already I can hear the dissenters commenting saying I’m an idiot. Already I can hear them saying, “A man’s going to cheat if he wants to, it doesn’t matter.” Already I can anticipate more than a few side eyes and “psssshhhh”‘s from my readers.

Oh well. All I’m doing is trying to offer up some friendly advice. Think of me as the friend who you ask for advice from and never end up taking anyway. That’s me. I’m that guy.  Let me also remind people, I’m no expert, but I am experienced.

So here it is, my advice, my not yet proven but worthwhile approach to how to get your man to not cheat:

EVERY TIME YOUR MAN GOES OUT YOU GO OUT TOO

Does everyone understand what I’m saying or do I need to paint a visual?

I’ll paint a visual.

I just lined up some face time with my woman on the side and at the 11th hour, I give my main woman a call to cancel some plans the two of us made a week or so ago. The conversation goes something like this.

Me: Hey baby, look here, umm, I have to [insert lame excuse here] tonight, so I’m going to have to cancel our plans.

Her: Oh, sweetie, I’m so happy you called cause I was just about to call you to do the same.

Me: Do what the same?

Her: Cancel the plans.

Me: Huh? What? Why?

Her: Oh my girl just called me up talking about her friend is in town with all his friends and they want us to go out with them.

Now note, my woman never had plans in the first place. She’s just acting like she did to keep me honest. But the key is, she didn’t hesitate when I originally canceled on her. Not only did she sound unfazed by my last-minute cancellation, she sounded relieved because she had “plans of her own.” Her composure is why I am now on my end of the phone, stunned in silence.

Her: Hello? Baby you there?

Me: Umm, yeah, I’m here. Wait, you’re about to go out right now?

Her: Well, in like an hour. I just laid out my dress and I’m about to hop in the shower.

Two key things here: She said “dress”, but she didn’t say which one because she wants me to ask which one. I won’t take the bait though. She also said “about to hop in the shower” and now I’m imagining her naked in the shower and all of a sudden a night with my woman on the side doesn’t sound appealing. But before I change plans, she adds a couple more extras.

She turns on getting-ready-to-go-out music in the background loud as hell and starts humming along, which means I have to raise my voice to be heard.

Me: HEY BABY! BABY!? CAN YOU TURN THAT DOWN?

Her: WHAT?! HOLD ON, I CAN’T HEAR YOU! LET ME TURN THIS DOWN!

She turns down the music.

Me: Baby, look, I just got an email from my co-worker saying we’re all done here. I can actually get out of here. Would you be down to stay in with me tonight?

Her: That’s kind of messed up, they have a limo and table reservations.

Me: Fuck. The. Limo. Put away your dress and keep the shower running. I’ll be there in ten minutes, so get in in five minutes and leave the door unlocked or a key under the mat, and I’ll be in the shower with you before you know it.

Her: [Sighs] Fine. But she’s going to be really disappointed and now we better do something fun cause I was looking forward.

Me: Whatever. I’ll make it up to you when I get there. Bye.

Her: Bye. See you soooon.

Nothing has ever kept me in check or on my Ps and Qs more than when my woman is about to go out with her girls without me around. Every time a situation like that has occurred, I always pray it isn’t going to be the night my bad karma gets the best of me. Even if a woman doesn’t have a life of her own, she better act like she does so her man stays on point. If every time a man says he’s going out to do his own thing his woman responds with a, “Good, so am I” there is a high probability the man will start curbing his own social life for the sake of curbing his woman’s. Fight fire with fire, even if the fire isn’t real, because sometimes men only respond to what they see in the mirror.

Any man who has ever cheated knows the first person he thinks about after he’s done doing whatever he did is his woman. Usually, he tries to call his woman and if she doesn’t pick up the phone on that first call, that man is tripping, wondering if his woman isn’t picking up the phone because she’s doing the same thing he just got finished doing. The above scenario is an extension of that.

Of course, at some point, such responses are not going to fly and either I’m going to call her bluff or I’m not going to care. But I hope it never gets to that point, because once we stop caring, well, there isn’t any relationship advice in the world that can help.

What ABOUT the Condom?

December 4th, 2009 12 comments

Whenever I hear or am a part of conversations about sex, I can always count on one person who feels the need to be the conversation’s Public Service Announcer.

Everyone knows this person: They always reveal themselves by chiming into the sex conversation or or any other conversation regarding relationships with an unnecessary reminder of STD rates or the importance of using condoms. On this blog here, I see such people frequently in the c-section, and I am taking no shots against my commenters, because I love and cherish everyone of them, but whenever someone wants to preach on how something like infidelity leads to STDs I start to tune out.

It’s not that I don’t care about the importance of safe sex or the STD rates. It’s not like I think I’m immune from anything or against protecting myself. It’s more like, we need to speak to each other about sex like adults who have some common sense, at least when we’re talking amongst friends. We need to talk about sex like we’ve all had some before and we’ve been through some things before.

The lengths people go to to insert a safe sex caveat are sometimes so ridiculous I have to laugh. Everyone is familiar with that friend who always wants to jump into sex conversations with something like, “I hope everyone here is protecting themselves.”  I always want to throw something at that friend.  If I’m having phone sex with my long distance girlfriend, and right when we’re about to get to the good part she says, “Put the condom on, baby,” I’m going to hang up on her. In movies*, when two people are about to go at it, and the scene doesn’t include a reach for some protection, the last thing I want to hear somebody in the audience say is, “Why didn’t they use a condom?”

Such questions, such details are all just unnecessary semantics. Not only that, but the putting on of a condom is the least sexiest part in any sex scene or story. Seriously, how does one even sound sexy when they say something like, “I take the wrapper and open it with my teeth.” What? I have fillings, if I open the condom wrapper with my teeth, that’s going to hurt.

But I digress…

We should be able to have fun, lighthearted conversations about sex without the preaching, unless, of course, Magic Johnson is involved. When I talk about cheating or I talk about a one-night stand or I talk about jump-offs and casual sex relations, I’m not trying to bog down the stories with lessons on the importance of safe sex. For one, I am telling these stories to an adult audience or my adult friends who are already educated about safe sex. If I were talking to children, than of course the condom would play a starring role, but in the R-Rated version of my tales and experiences, assume I’m exercising some common sense because I am. Let’s try to elevate the conversation about sexual relationships beyond the basics and talk about sex like, you know, people who are actually having sex and people who know right from wrong.

I care very much about protecting myself, of having sex the right way because even though I have experienced the joys of what I call organic sex, I also know the peace of mind that comes with protected sex is priceless, and I think it’s safe to say many of my peers are also familiar with the risks/rewards of both. But the next time one of them wants to tell me about a night of passionate lovemaking, I’m not going to even ask about the condom, and I hope nobody asks me the question either because asking me if I wore a condom is like asking me if I enjoyed myself. Of course I enjoyed myself. Of course I wore a condom.

* For anyone who does want to see a movie where safe sex is discussed honestly, I suggest Booty Call, if for no other reason, all the comic relief was tied into Tommy Davidson’s character trying to get all the necessary contraceptives.

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Women Should Just Cheat Too

December 2nd, 2009 28 comments

Today is a bad day for men. Today, women are mad at men for some improper transgressions a famous man committed behind his wife’s back. Today, I’m hearing all sorts of bad things about men from women.

But today, I have learned a valuable lesson: Women don’t cheat enough.

Don’t tell me they do and men just don’t know about it because women better at keeping it under wraps. Women don’t cheat enough and they need to start doing more of it, maybe this way we can actually start getting into some honest discussions about, you know, things like honesty, faithfulness. How are men supposed to have a conversation with women when they’re stuck up on their high horses? Come down from there, get in the dirt, and play with the big boys.

Now I believe it is messed up when men cheat on their wives, their girlfriends, their whatever she is. I believe it’s wrong for a man to partake in certain types of “transgressions”. I believe it’s a horrible thing to do, to cheat.

But I don’t believe things will change anytime soon and therefore, some women need to just get with the program and get their Connie Summer on.

In my post about Tiger Woods and Cheating I said cheating “sometimes, it’s a woman thing, although, men hate to hear that sort of thing.” Well, I hate to hear women complaining about how wrong men are all because, for better or for worse, a man stepped out on his woman. Will someone please sing me a new song? This one I keep hearing  about men doing what they shouldn’t be doing is getting old and tired and instead of waiting for men to sing a different one, women should just remix it. Flip the script.

To the women who have already started singing the song, bravo, but a little louder please? Let’s just throw away the idea of a fairer sex, because there is no fairer sex. The best we can do is treat each other fairly, and ladies, if that means seeing more than one guy at the same time, so be it.

I have completely resigned myself to the possibility that once in my life a woman  might cheat on me for whatever reason. Maybe I will have deserved it. Maybe it’s already happened. Who knows? What I  do know is if it does happen to me or it already did and I hear about it much later, I’d be able to handle it. And that is not to say I would know what to do, it’s just to say I know what I wouldn’t do, and that’s go completely crazy, which is more than I can say for a lot of other men.

No man ever wants to come to grips with the idea of a woman cheating on them, doesn’t even want to imagine such a thing. Unfortunately most men (not all, as I may have implied in the post I wrote  earlier this week) don’t treat a woman the way they would want their woman to treat them. Most men interact with some women who is not theirs in a way the woman who is theirs would frown upon and there is nothing we could do about it.

I know cheating is dead wrong. There’s no ifs ands or buts about it, no right way to spin it. But any woman who wants to get all up in arms over every act of infidelity they hear or read about should just go ahead and join the cheaters party too. Get it in and often. If for no other reason but to see why men do it. Then tell a few people about it, send out some text messages, and come back to the fidelity conversation. Us men will be waiting.

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