Until I Get Married

If there is one thing I believe every woman wants in a man, it’s an ability to make her feel safe.

We don’t have to be the most towering or hulking figure, nor do we have to be the most decorated martial artist or a former Navy seal. I mean, those things would definitely work in our favor and make our woman feels like she lucked up on some 2-for-1 deal with a boyfriend and a bodyguard, but what’s more important is perception. She just wants us to make her feel safer when we’re around.

As I get older, I’ve become more and more hip to this idea.

No one is more aware of the large presence I don’t impose on others than I. Here’s what I’m coming with.

Height: 6’0
Weight: 175
Complexion: Light
Default face: Happy
Occupation: Writer
Hobbies: Watching Top Chef
Secret Talent: Knows how to play “Endless Love” on the piano

Now tell me, does any of that sound like a wrestler?

I have a 1-0 record in street fights, but I’m pretty sure records from middle school were exempt when I turned 18. I mean, I did go to a public middle school, so maybe I get points for street cred, but still, who am I kidding?

I’m not a fighter, but women continue to date me because not being a fighter is not the same as being willing to fight. I place a high value on making a woman feel safe. I’m like Kevin Costner in The Bodyguard. My woman knows before I let anything happen to her, I will let something happen to me.

Women appreciate men who have this attitude, but I always tell them don’t mistake a man’s willingness to make his woman feel safe for his ability to do so; and if she can ever stop her man from fighting in front of her, she should do so at all cost.

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Most of you probably think this post is going to be about something wildly inappropriate. Too bad it’s not, you perverts.

This is about eating actual food in front of a woman, and how a man should go about doing such a thing. This is not a gentleman’s guide to eating a meal in front of a woman, this is my guide. Don’t get me wrong, I too am a gentleman, but when it comes to food, I am a savage.

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Yep, that’s me you see below in the pages of the brand new Essence Magazine, skinny tie and all.

I, along with five other relationship bloggers, are featured in an article entitled, “The Relationship Rules.” Since I want everyone to pick up a copy for themselves (it’s the one with Dwyane Wade and Gabrielle Union on the cover), I won’t get into what was discussed. Instead, some context about the discussion itself.

In the issue is a condensed version of what I remember being a two-hour discussion on relationships. Let me be the first to say, two hours is a long time to discuss anything. Presidential debates don’t even last two hours, and they’re actually talking about something important. If it wasn’t for the refreshments they had in steady rotation, I probably would have fallen asleep, not from boredom, but from exhaustion.

Few conversation topics are more mentally and emotionally demanding than ones about relationships, or as I like to say, matters of the heart. At the end of our discussion, my comrades and I did not want to say a word to anyone our vocal chords were so stretched. But I remember walking away, feeling like the conversation we just had, the one not everyone was going to see or hear, was indeed, important.

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In my dating history, there was only one woman who loved the Pittsburgh Steelers as much as I do. How great is her love for the team? She knows the names of offensive linemen.

Most other women I dated fall into one of two categories:

A) They love the NFL, but root passionately for another team.
B) They don’t care about the NFL at all.

Those wondering why there is no C category listed for women who love football, but hate the Steelers, please note I said women I dated. I would never date a woman who hated the Steelers, at least not while we were actually dating.

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A couple of weeks ago, a good friend of mine took to his Twitter to point out the lack of songs about men done wrong in a relationship. He said, in most breakup songs, the man is at fault.

I’m with him. Male and female artists always sing melodies about fouls committed by men, men apologizing for their mistakes, or regretting the loss of a woman once had but now only dreamt about. It’s gotten to the point where whenever I hear a song from the opposite point of view, my ears perk up. I even have a playlist called, “You Damn Right You’re Sorry, Now Say It Again.”

Even though my friend wasn’t necessarily asking for some song suggestions, I threw some of the songs I have on this playlist in his direction. There’s Trey Songz’s “Cheat On You,” Mark Morrison’s classic, “Return of the Mack,” and of course, “Next Girl” by the Black Keys. Not to be left off this playlist is Janet Jackson’s “Where Are You Now”. I love how she sounds apologetic and accountable for mistakes she made. For those who forgot exactly what that sounds like, here it is.

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If you were a young, fine woman living in the DC-MD-VA area back in 2001, interested in purchasing some new music, there was a good chance you went to Sam Goody Music, located on the ground floor of Pentagon City mall. If you went on the right day, there was a good chance you left with more than just the album you were looking for, you left with a date with one of the store clerks as well. Of course, that store clerk was me.

Who would’ve thought, right? Certainly not the few lovely ladies I met during my time at Sam Goody. Probably nor did the women who walked into the Tower Records by the George Washington University campus when I worked there in 2003. Back in those days, I always saw my job as a perfect opportunity for me to talk to women I perhaps wouldn’t speak to in other settings. To say I took advantage would be an understatement. I capitalized and did well.

I say this not to brag. The other night I went to a stand-up performance headlined by Aziz Ansari. He had an extended rant on the difficulty of meeting perfectly normal people to date. His two biggest gripes were with bars/clubs and dating websites, both of which he said were horrible places to meet people.

Now, I don’t agree with him on either front. Clubs and bars have always worked well for me. I met the girl I’m dating now at a club, and I met my last serious girlfriend at another club. As for online dating, it’s become so commonplace I don’t think it’s bad, I just don’t think it’s as effective as it used to be.

But there are a lot of people who agree with Ansari and find both bars/clubs and online dating websites lost causes, which begs the question, where’s a good place to meet our next date? Well, my suggestion is the store. What kind of store? Glad you asked. Here are five stores, along with which gender would benefit from going into them the most. You’re welcome.

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Before I begin, apologies for the hundreds of thousands of people who were refreshing my website every two minutes last night because I promised you the second part of Tuesday’s post was going to go up on Wednesday. I’m a guy, which means I can only promise a promise will be broken.

Now that you all forgive me, let’s move on and get to the good stuff. Part 2 of Jozen’s Incredibly Fun and Exciting Dating Strategy.

WAIT! One more thing…

It’s very important you all have followed the advice I mandated in the previous post. I really need you all to understand that nothing I tell you in this post will be effective if you just ignore step 1 and skip to step 2. When I first started getting into shape, I couldn’t build muscle from the fat I stored up, I had to lose the weight first and then build up. This is kind of like the same idea. You can’t prosper and live a wonderful 2012 full of fun until you’re willing to do what it takes to get there. So here’s the post one more time for those who may think they need a refresher. Remember, get your mind right first. For as long as this takes, do it, then you can get into what I’m laying out below

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With only a couple more weeks in 2011, everyone breathing is about to make some major life adjustments for what is supposedly Earth’s final year of existence (I believe none of that, by the way). Some guys are going to start hitting the gym to get in shape, others are going to purchase shirts in a smaller size so they can look like they’re going to the gym. Some women are going to start wearing nothing but matching bras and panties, while some women are not going to wear any bras or panties. Whatever the changes we make, they’re all going to be for what we hope is a better year than last year, even if it was the greatest year ever.

I would like to add my own helpful advice for how to make 2012 the best alleged last year of your life. But before I change your life with this strategy, I have to make sure you all are mentally ready to accept it, and open to executing it. This is not for skeptics or non-believers. I only want Charlies to follow this advice, word to Willy Wonka. You kids with your tons of questions and talk back can stop reading right now. Thank you for your click, have a nice day.

Now for those still reading, sit down.

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Folks, it’s that time of year again.

People in new relationships and some in old relationships are gearing up to visit at least one set of parents for Thanksgiving. Out of all the holidays, Thanksgiving is arguably the most communal, providing the perfect opportunity for many new couples to break bread (literately and figuratively) with the new person in our lives. Some of us will be making this more than just a day trip, spending nights at the parents home for a couple of days.

The sleeping arrangements behind this situation are either a judgement call or an established rule. Some of our parents establish a strict two bed, separate room policy if we’re not married. That’s the rule in my household.

Over the years, I have brought home several women to meet my mom. Since she lives in California and all these relationships began on the East Coast, all the visits involved a few nights stay at Casa De Ms. Rita’s. Under her roof, it is her rules. When it came to sharing a bed, hell, when it came to being in a room with the door closed, Ms. Rita has zero tolerance. I was 27-years-old the last time I brought a woman to my mom’s home, the rule was still in effect.

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On Sunday, The New York Times had a great article about how more and more online dating sites are extracting information from the profiles of members to study “attraction, trust, deception — even the role of race and politics in romance.”

For years, scientists have relied on U.S. Census Data to gauge how and why people come together, and fall in love, but in the study the Times cites, over 1 million dating profiles were researched, and overall, major dating sites like Match.com and OkCupid.com received more than 593 million visits in the United States last month. What this means is now more than ever online dating profiles are probably the best way to learn why and how we fall for one another. ““As more and more of life happens online, it’s less and less the case that online is a vacuum,” Andrew T. Fiore, a professor at Facebook told the Times. “It is life.”

So it is, Andrew. The rest of the article had some very interesting facts, which I couldn’t help but reassess here. Keep in mind, what all this data means is essentially in some form or another, the way we behave online is a lot similar to the way we engage each other in real life. Here are some of those numbers and my thoughts.

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